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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going out on my own AIBU?

252 replies

Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 09:09

In a relationship for just over a year and need opinions to solve a disagreement with DP. I could be in the wrong here.

If, during the week, your friend ask you to go out at the weekend or to come to theirs for drinks, would you stay at home if your DP said he didn't want you to go because he wanted to spend time with you?

For a context, we had some ups and downs over the last few months. A friend whom I haven't seen for well over a year invited me for a couple of drinks on a Sat. We didn't have any specific plans for the weekend and it was the weekend when DSD was over so I have agreed. We spend together all weekends and a one, two nights during the week. It was actually a first time when I wanted to go out on my own at the weekend since we started dating.

Now DP is cross with me because 'I am not a team player and I didn't prioritise us as a family' and the decisions we are making 'should be discussed and we both should find a compromise'. His compromise was that I stay in and we both see my friend in a few weeks time (it was an option too for him to come along to be introduced). He said he didn't want me to go on my own and wanted to spend some time with me instead, because we don't see each other every day.

But, really? Does that mean I can't decide for myself if I want to go out on a Sat night?

I wouldn't go if we had plans, I wouldn't go if it was weekend of just two of us.

He doesn't have a problem when I meet friends for a coffee during the week or when he is at work. I will be going on a holiday soon without him too and there was not a problem with that either.

Should I have stayed in? Can you not just decide you want to go for a drinks with a friend on a Sat night once in a blue moon if there is no other plans with DP?

Saying this he told me last night (3 days after the weekend) that he wanted us to go to see fireworks on a Sat night but never told me because on Thursday I have already made plans to see a friend.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 09/11/2021 11:27

Ah wait. Bless. @Shouldershrugger did you not understand that bold text represents a quote?

Ledition · 09/11/2021 11:27

He has been sending me screenshoots of articles about making decisions in a relationship saying that it should always be joint decisions, compromise.

Yuck, yuck, yuck. All the red flags with this one. A year is nothing in the grand scheme of life - throw this one back in. He's trying to control you. Of course you can decide to out with a friend without consulting your partner - you shouldn't even need to ask this question OP - the fact you are doubting yourself is worrying. He's making you doubt yourself to get his way. Sounds like a weirdo.

missymousey · 09/11/2021 11:29

Nip this in the bud! Of course YANBU to make plans with a friend without consulting him.

FinallyHere · 09/11/2021 11:35

Spending time with someone under duress ad an adult is such a bad sign.

He is making it out as if my friend told me to jump and I'm asking how high

He is projecting a bit here. He wants you to ask how high when he tells you to jump.

Throw this one back.

Tal45 · 09/11/2021 11:35

I guess because you don't spend the week together (as I understand it) he sees it as you already have plans because weekend time is yours and his time and you have every night of the week to see other friends. I don't think it's a biggie to skip out on that every now and then of course if something comes up but I'd probably run it past my OH first just out of politeness, I'd expect him to say it was ok though.
To me it wouldn't feel hugely controlling it would just feel like he'd assumed weekends were our time together.

notacooldad · 09/11/2021 11:36

the decisions we are making 'should be discussed and we both should find a compromise'

Actually I’d agree with that sorry

As a family, it’s pretty normal to check of the other partner is ok with that or has plans or whatever

But you missed a massive point. OP and her boyfriend are not a family. He is a dad that's been dating for about a year that has his kids eow by the look of it.
On this particular weekend OP went out with her friend and he had his kids. She is free to meet up. He hadnt put any plans out there. All he did was try to guilt trip.

The other alarming thing is that it would appear he doesnt want op to meet her friend without him being there.

His compromise was that I stay in and we both see my friend in a few weeks time
That would seriously have me running scared.
So op is expected to turn down a night with a friend she wants to catch up with because she has seen for ages. A lot of the convo will the irrelevant to the bf as he has only been around a year so immediately the dynamic wont flow. OP is expected to be with someone elses kids on a Saturday night and turn down a night out! In a couple of weeks bf rocks up on a night out with gf and her friend.

Hmmm🤔

supremelybaffled · 09/11/2021 11:37

As a family, it's pretty normal to check of the other partner is ok with that or has plans or whatever

As a family yes, you would need to run it by the other one to confirm that there isn't another arrangement already made or to make sure that the other one can be at home with the kids. But the OP and her dp are not a family. They do not live together, and have only been in a relationship for a year.

Etinoxaurus · 09/11/2021 11:37

RUN A MILE!!
It's good that you don't live together. Please don't get pregnant and ditch him asap.

NewlyGranny · 09/11/2021 11:39

The trouble with "compromise" when there's only the two of you involved is that it can be operated as a veto by either party if they want to control their partner.

If you want to go out but he wants you to stay in, and you discuss it, and he just says no, he isn't happy, the "compromise" is you giving in because you don't have his permission.

Does he tell you his plans and get your agreement?

Right now, he is "letting" you go on holiday without him, but I think the net is tightening. It will be gradual, so that by the time you realise what's going on you will have been trained into submission.

Why did his relationship with DSD's mother end? I wonder if she got tired of being "compromised" out of her social life?

1forAll74 · 09/11/2021 11:40

My late Husband would not have had any objections with me going out alone to do my own thing. I can't get my head around men,or women, who have this attitude about such things, I had some neighbours years ago, a youngish couple, and the man almost had to have his wife super glued to him at all times, and didn't let his wife go out on her own.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/11/2021 11:41

So I'd challenge him with 'if all plans need to be made together, what about your 'plan' that we go to see fireworks? I don't remember any discussion about that?'.

I bet he'll pull out the self-pity card and claim he was trying to do something nice for you, surprise you. Or that 'you didn't give him a chance to mention it' because you made your plan without telling him.

Keep calm and point out that the moment you mentioned your drinks was the moment for him to say 'oh I'd thought we might go to see fireworks together' (if he hadn't managed to mention the idea earlier). At which point you could have had a discussion.

Which might have resulted in you saying 'I'd rather stick with my drinks, why don't you take your DD to the fireworks?' What would he have done then? Tried to tell you that you like fireworks more than you like to see friends? That he can't enjoy seeing his own dd without you?

Plainly you don't want the same joined at the hip life that he does. He needs to recognise that. If you're not suited, you're not.

austenwildfell · 09/11/2021 11:44

Are you both from same culture or is there a differentness involved?
It might need more explanation not negotiation, but explaining.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 09/11/2021 11:44

He has been sending me screenshoots of articles about making decisions in a relationship saying that it should always be joint decisions, compromise.

No! Nope. Red flags. Goodbye, bloke.

Foldedsheets · 09/11/2021 11:47

Is it possible he didn't want to look after his DC on his own? Massive red flag if so, he's setting you up to be the nanny so he doesn't have to parent them himself.

blacksax · 09/11/2021 11:47

@Tal45

I guess because you don't spend the week together (as I understand it) he sees it as you already have plans because weekend time is yours and his time and you have every night of the week to see other friends. I don't think it's a biggie to skip out on that every now and then of course if something comes up but I'd probably run it past my OH first just out of politeness, I'd expect him to say it was ok though. To me it wouldn't feel hugely controlling it would just feel like he'd assumed weekends were our time together.
I'd run it past my DH too. As in: "Oh, by the way, I'm out on Thursday evening, I'm going to see X so you might want to get your own dinner".

When the dc were small I rarely went out, and he used to actively encourage me to do so.

Pascal80 · 09/11/2021 11:48

If you are so fiercely independent OP and like to so what you want when you want, why on earth did you move in with a man within a year of knowing him - a man with a kid in tow and a failed relationship behind him? You don't sound compatible at all. Sounds like you should be in your own place tbh.

LittleMysSister · 09/11/2021 11:48

Sorry OP but this isn't normal. It's very controlling that he expects you not to go out and to only see your friend with him.

Practicebeingpatient · 09/11/2021 11:48

I'm actually tempted to show him this post and let him read all the answers. Not sure if this is a good idea

That is a TERRIBLE idea. You don't need any back up or proof for disagreeing with him about this. It's a relationship between two adults and your opinion is as valid as his. You don't need to prove that a bunch of strangers on the internet agree with you. After all, he could go onto another site and find a bunch of strangers who agree with him!

What matter here is that he has one idea of how a relationship looks and you have a different one. Is he willing to compromise and live with your view? It seems unlikely but if you really like him it's work a try. Are you willing to go along with his ways? IMHO You'd be mad to do that but it's your choice.

A forum like this can be great in helping you get some perspective but at the end of the day you make your own decisions. You don't need to justify them to a BF of 12 months or anyone else.

bubblebath62636 · 09/11/2021 11:48

Absolutely not I would go out and have a bloody good time.

For context we have 2 children, one is autistic and the other 5 months old. Therefore we both need to let our hair down now and again 😂.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 09/11/2021 11:50

@Pascal80

If you are so fiercely independent OP and like to so what you want when you want, why on earth did you move in with a man within a year of knowing him - a man with a kid in tow and a failed relationship behind him? You don't sound compatible at all. Sounds like you should be in your own place tbh.
She didn't.

We don't live together and we spend time at his when his DD is around. Other times is like a half half

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/11/2021 11:52

That's far too controlling for me.

I'd be telling him to piss off but I am know as 'resting scary face' in my house.

Madickenxx · 09/11/2021 11:52

Up until he sent you links to articles on compromise and joint decision I was on the fence. DP and I spend weekends together in the main. When he has his DSD we usually spend Saturday midday to Sunday midday together but not Friday night. I try to avoid booking a night out on the Saturday as it's our night and I know both DP and DSD would be disappointed. We live quite a distance apart so it's not easy to be spontaneous when it comes to seeing each other. Having said that, DP would never get annoyed or tell me not to go but he would be disappointed as he looks forward to our time together. The links to articles is taking it way too far though and does sound controlling. You've also only been together for a year - DP and I have been together longer and our weekend routine has been set for a year or so now so he would be surprised if I booked something without checking in with him first (and vice versa).

I would go and closely monitor his reaction to you going and if he sulks or kicks off then you know there's an issue that's not just based in disappointment that he doesn't get to see you.

BeardieWeirdie · 09/11/2021 12:01

You need to get this controlling arsehole out of your life now - do not wait until you are tied with pregnancy/mortgage. The only appropriate response to you saying you were having a girls night out was “have a lovely time”. Do NOT show him this thread.

skippy67 · 09/11/2021 12:04

@TravelLost

the decisions we are making 'should be discussed and we both should find a compromise'.

Actually I’d agree with that sorry.

As a family, it’s pretty normal to check of the other partner is ok with that or has plans or whatever.

I have an H who is very much like ‘I’m making my own plans and will just let you know what they are’ and it’s a real pain in the arse. It’s always assuming I will be there to pick up the pieces with the dcs. It’s assuming I don’t have anything else planned and that my views are never as important as his.

Now his ‘compromise’ was shit I have to say. But partnership includes talking to the other person and checking with them, out of politeness, rather than stating stuff as a ‘fait acoompli’

That might be your experience, but the OP has been with this twat a year, they don't live together, so not really comparable to your set up.
Grabmygran · 09/11/2021 12:15

Nope nope nope. Imagine if you had kids with him? When you have children you genuinely do need to get the OK from your partner as they have to stay in and look after the children (or agree together on a babysitter). My husband would always say great - go and have a good time. Doesn’t sound like your partner would want that. You would be very trapped.

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