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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Going out on my own AIBU?

252 replies

Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 09:09

In a relationship for just over a year and need opinions to solve a disagreement with DP. I could be in the wrong here.

If, during the week, your friend ask you to go out at the weekend or to come to theirs for drinks, would you stay at home if your DP said he didn't want you to go because he wanted to spend time with you?

For a context, we had some ups and downs over the last few months. A friend whom I haven't seen for well over a year invited me for a couple of drinks on a Sat. We didn't have any specific plans for the weekend and it was the weekend when DSD was over so I have agreed. We spend together all weekends and a one, two nights during the week. It was actually a first time when I wanted to go out on my own at the weekend since we started dating.

Now DP is cross with me because 'I am not a team player and I didn't prioritise us as a family' and the decisions we are making 'should be discussed and we both should find a compromise'. His compromise was that I stay in and we both see my friend in a few weeks time (it was an option too for him to come along to be introduced). He said he didn't want me to go on my own and wanted to spend some time with me instead, because we don't see each other every day.

But, really? Does that mean I can't decide for myself if I want to go out on a Sat night?

I wouldn't go if we had plans, I wouldn't go if it was weekend of just two of us.

He doesn't have a problem when I meet friends for a coffee during the week or when he is at work. I will be going on a holiday soon without him too and there was not a problem with that either.

Should I have stayed in? Can you not just decide you want to go for a drinks with a friend on a Sat night once in a blue moon if there is no other plans with DP?

Saying this he told me last night (3 days after the weekend) that he wanted us to go to see fireworks on a Sat night but never told me because on Thursday I have already made plans to see a friend.

AIBU?

OP posts:

bettybyebye · 09/11/2021 09:29

Oh god your last post makes my skin crawl. There is so much wrong with this 🚩 run! The hills are that way ➡️

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 09/11/2021 09:29

He has been sending me screenshoots of articles about making decisions in a relationship saying that it should always be joint decisions, compromise.

Massive red flag.

Trisolaris · 09/11/2021 09:29

That’s ridiculous and controlling of him! My dp is much more social than me so is out with his friends a lot. The only time I have got annoyed is when he has made so many plans with his friends that there is no space for us to do anything (and I have pointed out that where he has been the one to make plans with his friends, I have been the one organising things for the two of us to do and that makes me feel low priority to him). Even then I didn’t push him to cancel anything but it gave him a kick up the bum to make a bit more effort!

Rainbowqueeen · 09/11/2021 09:30

It’s a friend you haven’t seen in over a year. He should be excited and happy for you.

Putting it off until he can come is weird. It will completely change the dynamic.

You haven’t done anything wrong
He has.
I’d be reconsidering the whole relationship

tipOver · 09/11/2021 09:30

Those articles he's showing you are presumably supposed to be about significant life decisions, not about going out to see friends! The fact that he's still trying to convince you really worries me ): Please don't believe him, you absolutely don't have to ask him for permission for every decision you ever make, that would be insane and even more controlling

skippy67 · 09/11/2021 09:31

A year in and he's pulling this shit? Nah, get rid because he's only going to get worse.

Verfremdungseffekt · 09/11/2021 09:31

Now DP is cross with me because 'I am not a team player and I didn't prioritise us as a family'

Of course you're not 'prioritising you as a family', because you're not a family! He's your boyfriend of one year, who has a child from a previous relationship who is staying this weekend -- in many cases, you wouldn't even have met this child yet, far less be staying over every weekend when the child is visiting her father!

I would be very wary of defaulting to spending every weekend with this man, in any case, and having to consult him about your social life -- he seems to think he's slapped a behavioural code on you. Does he not realise you're still auditioning him (as he should be you) to see if you want to remain in the relationship, that it's not some kind of done deal. You're not in his family 'team'.

In your shoes, OP, I would not only be going out with my friend and making it very clear to your boyfriend that you will be doing so in future unless you have mutually-agreed alternative plans -- especially when his DD is with him. (Isn't she going to want time alone with him without her father's girlfriend present, even if you get on well?), I would also be rethinking at the very least the idea that you spend so much time with him, if not whether the relationship has legs.

tipOver · 09/11/2021 09:31

I just realised it was a friend you haven't seen in a long time too! That makes it so much worse too.

Universeandeverything · 09/11/2021 09:31

Ignore the stupid articles. Go and don’t think anything of it. He is being ridiculous. It is completely normal to go out with friends.

SquidGame4644 · 09/11/2021 09:31

Fuck that. I've been there, my ex didn't want me to go out with friends very often, everything had to be focused on him. He was incapable of entertaining himself.

Honestly couldn't be with someone like that. If I want to go out, I tell DH and he says 'have fun'.

Lalliella · 09/11/2021 09:32

Weird and controlling. Massive red flag. Sorry OP. This won’t get any better. You need to define boundaries with him or dump him. He doesn’t get to tell you how you spend your time.

Youdoyoutoday · 09/11/2021 09:33

@Onlyonemore

I was thinking I wasn't doing anything wrong especially that he could have spent some quality time with DSD. He has been sending me screenshoots of articles about making decisions in a relationship saying that it should always be joint decisions, compromise.

I like being independent and thought maybe I'm inconsiderate and really hurting him if that's what he says.

What?? He's a dick, lose this one before you lose yourself!!

I discuss going out with my friends with my DP, I don't ask his permission and I encourage my DP to go out without me too. You need time apart socially. You should start sending screen shots back of "is my partner a gaslighting, controlling dick?"

Skeumorph · 09/11/2021 09:33

Get rid.

Huge red flags with the going out thing. Nope, not ok - you do NOT have to 'run it past' him when you have plans. Especially not after a year. I take it you don't live together? Even less reason to have to check with him whether you are allowed to make a decision to go out!!!

Also - I don't like his use of 'family' here. So - he has a DD that he's got responsibility for some of the time? No, you AREN'T a 'family', not in the slightest, but it sounds like he's very much shaping up to draft you in as resident subordinate female who has to put his kid and his responsibilities The Family first in YOUR life. Um, no. You're a family? Ok, try telling him that next time his DD is with him, you'll take her for a haircut because you think she'd look good with a bob. You can, right? You're family, you get to decide and plan too? No? What's that, she's 'not your child?' Exactly, so don't tell me that when it suits you to have me on hand I'm somehow obliged to run my plans by you, or cook dinner for you both, or whatever. No. She is HIS responsibility.

I would throw this one back. Sounds like he was already busy planning for you to be around when he had his DD so that you could do some of the shitwork, or even just be another adult around to make it easier for him. Where you assumed he'd be fine as he would already be taken up with his DD and might even appreciate getting more one on one time with her - no, that clearly wasn't his plan, Wifey Woman had already been mentally drafted in as the help...

Nope to Mr Controlling and nope to being gifted a nice brand new Family that will soon translate to 'you're the woman/her stepmum/my partner, YOU should be willing to start taking on my child-related shitwork'.

Verfremdungseffekt · 09/11/2021 09:34

He has been sending me screenshoots of articles about making decisions in a relationship saying that it should always be joint decisions, compromise.

That might be appropriate in a marriage/longterm, committed relationship of many years standing, on a major issue like having a child or emigrating. You've only been going out with him for a year, and whether you go out with your friends is not a joint 'decision'.

In fact, it's not a decision at all!

GrandOld · 09/11/2021 09:34

He's a potential controlling arse.

Go out when you want to.

Xmassprout · 09/11/2021 09:36

You don't need his permission to go out. You going out is not a decision that needs to be made together.

Jabvribt · 09/11/2021 09:37

Ummm no! I’m married and if I want to make plans I’ll check with DH that he doesn’t have plans so he can be with the kids (he also checks this with me) but that’s about as far as I go in talking to him about it. Before we had kids I’d just tell him and he’d either be happy to have a night to himself or see his friends.

dottiedodah · 09/11/2021 09:40

I think he is being unreasonable here.You are perfectly entitled to see a friend if you want to! I would be wary of this RL as he could get worse and with any DC you may have it would be become difficult

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 09/11/2021 09:40

I would definitely go and see the friend.

He's with his daughter anyway and your seeing a friend who you haven't seen in over a year, I really don't see the issue. You had no plans to do something specific and you can see each other an extra night in the week if he wants to spend time with you.

Original poster

Onlyonemore · 09/11/2021 09:41

I offered to take him along as I knew my friends husband was going to be at home too, you know so I can introduce DP to them. (And then meet the friend separately) DP said we could do It in a few weeks time (obv not this weekend when DSD is over). I've said ok fine so I'll go and see the friend on my own this weekend and we can all 4 meet in few week's time. He didn't like it.

He is making it out as if my friend told me to jump and I'm asking how high, as if the friend asks to come over and I'm straight away available. But I was so happy to see her!

OP posts:

shakingmytambourineatyou · 09/11/2021 09:41

I had a friend in this situation years ago. Turned out he just wanted her there as childcare when his daughter was round. He actually started using her as a babysitter while he had nights out and eventually an affair. As an onlooker, it is sometimes unbelievable how much some people will take.

MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny · 09/11/2021 09:44

OP:

You have been together for a year. Things have been up and down for several of these months.

This is a short relationship which already has problems. You are not family: you are two adults who are dating. His daughter is not your "DSD": she is your boyfriend's daughter. How can he possibly think that you are family?

I have been with my DP for about 7 years and he still hasn't met all of my friends (this is at the opposite end of the spectrum, I realise). He doesn't feel the need to. I haven't met all of his. There isn't any need to have constant overlap (not that you're asking this question - but I'm responding to his suggestion that you meet your friend together in a few weeks' time).

She's your friend, not his, and you can see her whenever you want - and particularly without asking permission from someone else.

As for the screenshots: that alone would make me think this relationship is more bother than it's worth. I would refuse to engage with them.

Thethreecs · 09/11/2021 09:44

What he's doing is not normal. Anyone who has been in a controlling relationship will tell you that this is how it starts. 'wants to know your plans', 'let's you meet certain friends during the day', 'tells you that his way of thinking is normal'. Then it slowly builds to, 'needs to know your every move', 'won't let you see friends unless he's there', until you get to the point where you have no friends, or those who are left he'll never agree to you seeing them day or night alone.

6 years I was in a controlling relationship, this was 30 years ago. I'm still getting counselling for it. He destroyed me. It gets so bad that you are practically brain washed and you hang on his every word and you end up not knowing what's right and wrong.

My one piece of advice is, don't stay in this relationship, not if you value your mental health.

PurpleDaisies · 09/11/2021 09:47

I can’t imagine dh ever suggesting he comes along when I’m meeting a friend of mine alone. This is so weird. Why don’t you think he trusts you to go on your own? Why is he guilt tripping you about making your own decision with those articles?

Seriously, this is really bad. Have a really good think about if that’s the type of person you want to be with.

RockinHorseShit · 09/11/2021 09:48

YADNBU

He needs to either grow up, or feck off

Sounds way more like he's worried he's going to actually have to parent his own DD on his own than anything else, which is his responsibility not yours anyway so he's a cheeky fecker to expect you to stay in too

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