To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

[Thesandwichyears]

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

@Ailsa2021

I'm surprised by all of the responses. She's 20 years old, she can find her own way home 😂 my goodness, she's not 12. She's an adult who's fully capable of getting on a train.

One would also hope that she's an adult whose parents have missed her a lot during the term and would actually like to do something nice for her and spend more time with her.

Doje

"Could you do the journey, and let DH take the kids? It could be quite nice - radio on for the way there and a catch up on the way home."

This is why the DH is so keen to dodge out of the weekend drudgery whilst earning 'Marvellous Dad' points. My ex used to do this on Boxing Day. Make out it was such a chore to drive to collect his mother from 40 minutes away, and another 40 back. I did offer to make the journey so he could tidy up and cook a 2nd Xmas dinner in my absence, but oddly enough, he didn't accept

Why do you get to dictate to your husband how he wants to parent his daughter?

Do it...

Most parents with kids at uno do a round trip 3 times annually... They all have v good close r/s with their kids..

When I was at uni - the nice and grim students at least had the chance to have 'deep and meaningful' with their parents in the trip'.

Teach her lessons on gratitude in other ways....

Could she come home by train and have a family weekend trip back after Xmas to drop her back?

DD2 is 7 hours away from us and will be training it, meeting up with DD1 and DS along the way.

It's different at the beginning and end of the year when they have all their stuff to be moved, that's when you need cars.

@Anonymous48

Of course she could get the train and I'm sure she's perfectly capable of doing so. But that doesn't mean she has to get the train. It will be nice for both her and your husband for him to pick her up.

Don't you miss her at all? My daughter is away at university, somewhere that would be a 17 hour drive for us (not in the UK). Driving to pick her up really isn't an option so she'll be flying home. But we miss her and if it wasn't quite so far I would be thrilled to go pick her up, as I'm sure her father would be too.

I get pangs of missing her and then I speak to her on the phone….

I lost my dad this January and one of the things I look back on is all of the times he picked me up from whatever party/festival/random location I was on simply because he wanted to as he is my dad.
We used to talk about all sorts, stop for food, discuss the bad drivers/lazy Jeff at work who's not pulling his weight....
I never demanded dads taxi but he always offered or was quick to say yes if I had the cheek to ask.

They are some of my most precious times just me and him. Him doing the dad thing of looking after adult me and me enjoying his company with his full attention. Just me and my dad.

I think calling the OP nasty is over the top without any context of her past/recent behaviour. Picking her up would be nice but it certainly shouldn't be an expectation. We only got dropped off/picked up when we were moving in or out of somewhere and I didn't feel hard done by, it was part of the transition to adulthood.

@pointythings

DD2 is 7 hours away from us and will be training it, meeting up with DD1 and DS along the way.

It's different at the beginning and end of the year when they have all their stuff to be moved, that's when you need cars.

Yes totally different at start and end of year.

Why does she need to catch the train to "show her independence"? I've never understood that train (ha!) of thought myself.

I studied abroad at university and managed to travel all over France on my own, but it was still nice to get picked up from the airport by my mum at the end of term instead of having a longer, more tiring journey by train.

Parents can do nice things for their adult children if they want to - it doesn't make the children any less capable or independent or mature.

I used to love it when my mum collected me from university at the end of term - we talked the whole journey home, stopped for coffee/lunch halfway...it was really nice.

MN is weird. Normally threads on here are full of 'your 17 year old is basically an adult. By their age I had a mortgage and 3 children' and yet here OP is evil for suggesting a 20 year old woman could get on a train?

Maybe she's not nice to you because she doesn't feel like she's a priority to you and it really hurts her. No one is a grown up in the uni years, they are difficult in between years when you quite often feel lost and alone and are trying to be grown up but really aren't. I needed my parents then as much as ever and often felt like I didn't belong anywhere. Saying to her she can just get the train might feel to her like saying you can't be bothered to pick her up because she's not that important to you.

Could your DH use the journey time to lay down some ground rules about respectful behaviour during the holidays - might bear fruit and you'd possibly feel a bit more that he had your back

We also don’t know why op hates Dd and why Dd shows “attitude” towards op. Maybe OP focused on her younger dc and didn’t give 20yo much attention growing up. Maybe dd resents op for not being attentive.

Does the dh not work? 7 hours is like a day at work. If he wants to spend the day with his Dd then what’s the issue? Is op jealous?

Ah OP, I went though this with my dd1 between the ages 19-21. I hear you.

Its not about being picked up really, its about that she is probably quite ungrateful and entitled about it.

If he wants to pick her up, let him get her.

And honestly this time will pass, my dd1 is 25 now and we get on amazingly.

@Pedalpushers

MN is weird. Normally threads on here are full of 'your 17 year old is basically an adult. By their age I had a mortgage and 3 children' and yet here OP is evil for suggesting a 20 year old woman could get on a train?

Ain’t this the truth!!

@NeedsCharging

I lost my dad this January and one of the things I look back on is all of the times he picked me up from whatever party/festival/random location I was on simply because he wanted to as he is my dad. We used to talk about all sorts, stop for food, discuss the bad drivers/lazy Jeff at work who's not pulling his weight.... I never demanded dads taxi but he always offered or was quick to say yes if I had the cheek to ask.

They are some of my most precious times just me and him. Him doing the dad thing of looking after adult me and me enjoying his company with his full attention. Just me and my dad.

I have really similar memories of my lovely dad sorry for your loss

If he wants to, let him.

@Thesandwichyears

I get pangs of missing her and then I speak to her on the phone….

Wow. That's incredibly sad. Your poor daughter.

Perhaps your DH wants to show your daughter that he cares about her. It sounds like things might not be easy when she gets home and perhaps he wants to start things off on a positive note with her.

Are you OK? You sound like you're at the end or your tether with your kids with SEN. How about he stays with them and you go get her and have a travelodge night before you pick her up.

@MangoIce

We also don’t know why op hates Dd and why Dd shows “attitude” towards op. Maybe OP focused on her younger dc and didn’t give 20yo much attention growing up. Maybe dd resents op for not being attentive.

Does the dh not work? 7 hours is like a day at work. If he wants to spend the day with his Dd then what’s the issue? Is op jealous?

OP has never said she hates her. Why have you just made that up?

I have been through this with my eldest, she was spoilt and entitled. It passes. Nothing to do with leaving her out blah blah ...

If your dh wants to do it then whatever we say doesn’t really make any difference does it?

For the record if it was me I’d expect her to get the train. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a long train journey. In fact we have dd (18) home from university for a reading week now and she got the train home and will get the train back - 3 hours each way. Obviously I drove her to university to see her off and take all her stuff but she knows I’m not going to do that journey again in a hurry- I hate driving long distances, suffer with lupus so I have joint pain and have a disabled Ds to consider. She actually said she quite enjoyed the train journey. I picked her up from the station this end.

@Ailsa2021

I'm surprised by all of the responses. She's 20 years old, she can find her own way home 😂 my goodness, she's not 12. She's an adult who's fully capable of getting on a train.

She might be capable, but maybe her dad wants to make her life a little bit easier if he can?

It's much nicer to be able to get in a car and get driven home than it is to faff around with multiple train journeys, waits at stations, potential delays etc.

If her dad is happy to make her journey easier, what's the problem? I swear on MN if you do anything at all to help your adult DC you're ruining them for life