To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

[Thesandwichyears]

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

Why can't a 20 year old woman make her own way home ? It is not hard. I was 21 with 2 children (1 and 3) i had to get a bus to the station with the children, pushchair and large suitcase. Had to collapse the buggy to get on the bus and trains, then i had 4 trains to get on and off, at one station i had to use the bridge to get across the track, i had to leave the toddler at the top with the suitcase, carry the buggy down then go back up for the toddler and case then leave the toddler and case at the top of the stair carry the buggy down leave it there and go back for the toddler. If this 20 year old can manage a case and a rucksack on 3 trains then she obviously isn't ready to be out on her own.

A report from Cop26 climate conference predicts that temperatures will go up by 2.7 degrees this century. Which is catastrophic. And almost everyone on this thread thinks that OP's husband should drive for 7 HOURS so that his daughter can avoid a slightly inconvenient train journey / doesn't need to buy a new suitcase? WTF?

@LowlandLucky Exactly! I managed a 5 hour train journey with two stops when I was 12 and a 24 hour plane journey with a change at Bangkok just before my 16th birthday. I know children and young people are very much treated differently now...but still.

@Fogormist

A report from Cop26 climate conference predicts that temperatures will go up by 2.7 degrees this century. Which is catastrophic. And almost everyone on this thread thinks that OP's husband should drive for 7 HOURS so that his daughter can avoid a slightly inconvenient train journey / doesn't need to buy a new suitcase? WTF?

Agree. I'm hardly an evironmentalist, but even I think it's an unnecessary journey, when there's a perfectly straightforward alternative (leaving aside the DD's entitled attitude).

Why are people posting about their own experiences of catching a train? It's completely irrelevant. The DD can catch a train, her dad however is going to collect her. What people did and how many bags/kids they had with them means nothing.

I would never have dreamed of asking my mum to pick me up. I was never dropped off either, and no one came to visit with me. It would never have occurred to me to ask. Most holidays I stayed at uni and worked. I'd left home at 16 though, and didn't go to uni until almost 20, so had been self-sufficient and independent for ages.

However, as your husband wants to go that's his choice.

The COP26 argument is so null when you think where all the hypocrites flew from to get there! Same as G7 in Cornwall earlier this year.. massive carbon footprint. Bo’Jo and all
His cronies having a jolly and fuck the environment. Living near the summit the amount of planes.. helicopters.. boats and motorcades.. completely invalidates everything. Why couldn’t they zoom call it??

*to visit unis (open days)

@Eltonsglasses- the point is that she is am adult, not a child. Unless the dad would do that for his wife and other adult relatives.

[quote Opalfeet]@Eltonsglasses- the point is that she is am adult, not a child. Unless the dad would do that for his wife and other adult relatives.[/quote]

Well we don't know who he would give a life to, but adults getting lifts is completely normal. Your life experiences don't negate that.

@SleighBells21

If your DH is up for it then I don't see the problem?

OP lists at least three problems in OP.

*LowlandLucky

Why can't a 20 year old woman make her own way home ?*

Has anyone said she can't?

Its nothing to do with whether a 20 year old can catch 3 trains. Of course she's capable of it. But it won't be a great experience, and would be much nicer in the car. You just don't want to be saddled with the younger ones by yourself, and to put it bluntly, would rather she had the unpleasant day than you did. Fine, we can all be selfish. Just own that for what it is what and don't try to justify it with how nasty she is, and whether its better for her not to be pandered to, when of course its better for her to get a lift. Your H will just keep breaking down your false opposition so you should just tell him you want your wishes to come first and see what he says.

While it's hard that she's not being they nice, not that this excuses anything but she's presumably started uni either this year, so maybe the adjustment is hard for her, or last year which would have been a nightmare in the middle of a pandemic.

I also took great comfort from still being able to maintain a modicum of being a child when with my parents/home from university. No matter how stressed I was at uni or in life, I was still "looked after" by my parents.

To be honest, this Mumsnet attitude of acting like they're fully developed adults the second the cross over the threshold is pretty cold

it’s not about the fact that the dd could take the train. Of course a 20-year-old can take a train. It’s about the OP seriously wanting to prevent her Dh from collecting the dd when he is quite willing to go

No its about pandering to the demands of an adult who is only considering themselves at the cost of yet another difficult day for the rest of her family.

She is 20. If she was an hour away and there were no other impacts then it wouldn't be a post here. This is as much about an adult who seems to have failed to throw off the selfish teen phase as about providing a family taxi service.

I would pick her up personally without hesitation. It’s Christmas ffs trains are awful - plus covid. BUT it’s your kid. And you could just buy her a proper suitcase instead and send her on the train if you want. Pretty mean though. And you really can’t look after kids for 7 hours on your own!? Isn’t he allowed out?

It’d be different if neither of you wanted to go but he does or is it reluctant? . I actually think she should get the train I wouldn’t be willing to do a 7 hour round trip at Christmas. It’s not mean at all as some said she’s a adult she choose to go to this uni she can get a train that your willing to pay for .

Ok FluffyBooBoo you are right , what i should have said is "why won't this entitled womanchild not get on the train"

Opalfeet Not so much treated differently more pampered and spoiled.

No its about pandering to the demands of an adult who is only considering themselves at the cost of yet another difficult day for the rest of her family

Bollocks. If the OP is genuinely incapable of looking after her other children alone, she must NEVER let her poor DH leave the bloody house. Everyone should stop having children before the point of not being able to look after all of them .

@5128gap

Its nothing to do with whether a 20 year old can catch 3 trains. Of course she's capable of it. But it won't be a great experience, and would be much nicer in the car. You just don't want to be saddled with the younger ones by yourself, and to put it bluntly, would rather she had the unpleasant day than you did. Fine, we can all be selfish. Just own that for what it is what and don't try to justify it with how nasty she is, and whether its better for her not to be pandered to, when of course its better for her to get a lift. Your H will just keep breaking down your false opposition so you should just tell him you want your wishes to come first and see what he says.

God so much gaslighting. There's nothing false about her opposition. It's perfectly valid to say that a rude, capable 20 year old does not really deserve the help and should be aware of that reality so they can learn to stop behaving the way they are.

Bollocks. If the OP is genuinely incapable of looking after her other children alone, she must NEVER let her poor DH leave the bloody house. Everyone should stop having children before the point of not being able to look after all of them .

Classic MN competitive attitude about ever "needing" help from your partner with the kids. There are always people here to tell you how they juggled twelve kids by themselves and if you can't do that why are you even a parent.

It's totally missing the point. It's not about the fact that OP CAN'T cope, it's just that the perfectly capable 20 year old has not been polite or grateful enough to justify dedicating the day to her, it would be better spent with the rest of the family. This is a perfectly normal, parenting judgment, and yet the smug people on here would rather everyone martyr themselves to proving they can cope with anything and everything than recognise that.

The poor DD shouldn't have to feel pathetically grateful that her own parents will help her out if at all possible to do so. It should be a given.

@aSofaNearYou OR, a lot of posters feel that a father and daughter having a good relationship is not something to be complained about. Just because OP doesn’t like her DD, it doesn’t mean her DH has to be hostile and unkind as well. But she’d prefer it that way

I’d be fetching my child and enjoying some 1:1 time with them.