Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 23 24

Original poster

To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

600 replies

Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 18:19

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:

icedcoffees · 08/11/2021 18:33

I feel its time she grew up

You can be grown up and still accept a lift from your dad. If your DH is happy to drive, why is it such a problem?

Northofsomewhere · 08/11/2021 18:34

When I was a student (graduated undergrad in 2016) I lived a ferry and an 8 hour train journey away, it was often 3 changes, sometimes 4 plus the ferry (often an 18 hour journey door to door). I only ever took a bag and a small suitcase as gifts could be posted home if bought online. Someone coming to pick me up from the ferry wasn't an option but even if it was I wouldn't expect it. It was probably cheaper for me to catch the train that for someone to drive there and back. I was very grateful to just be home when I got there but I certainly made the most of those infrequent visits. I was also an adult who chose to move 500 miles away and therefore should be able to make my own way to and from as needed or wanted.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 08/11/2021 18:35

@ThePoisonousMushroom Not in my area we're not!

Icecreamsprinkles · 08/11/2021 18:35

If your DH is happy to do it let him . It’s a nice thing to do and 3 trains sounds like a lot of hassle with a risk she might miss a connection and end up stranded anyway particularly in winter. If it had been a direct train I would have been more likely to agree with you

Bunnycat101 · 08/11/2021 18:35

My parents always drove for me at the start and end of the year and I generally did the train for any other visits so she could quite easily do the Christmas trip by train. But, if your husband is willing, I often found the Christmas trains a fairly hideous experience. Trains out of London on the Friday before the holidays are often vile so I suspect other cities have similar effects if not quite as bad.

Tulipomania · 08/11/2021 18:35

@Derbee

I think you sound really nasty. Your DH sounds normal, and wants to help your DD. You’re not even being expected to do the drive or anything. Mean. My parents always came to get me when I didn’t have a car. I would always go and get my DC from uni (although it’s years away)

What a ridiculous post. Of course the OP isn't mean or nasty. She rightly wants her daughter to show some independence. I would be the same.

gemandjule · 08/11/2021 18:35

My 20 year old is traveling from uni in another country for Christmas. This year she can fly to our local airport so it’s not too bad. Last year there were no flights to our local (small) airport due to covid so she had to fly to another city and get a 3.5 hour bus to us and obviously get herself to the airport. She managed 😊

Fifthtimelucky · 08/11/2021 18:36

I had to pick up one daughter at the end of every term because she had to empty her room over the holidays.

The other didn't have to clear her room and was a 7 hour round trip away, but I usually picked her up and delivered her back. I considered it a good opportunity to see round the city, perhaps meet some of her friends, take her out to lunch and have a nice chat in the car on the way home.

I suppose it depends on just how difficult it would be for you to be on your own for 7 hours with the younger children and that will depend on their ages and the extent of their special needs. Would you find it easier to be the one who does the driving, leaving your husband to look after the younger children ?

Presumably he - or you - took her at the beginning of term? I think I would be guided by that experience.

HeadNorth · 08/11/2021 18:36

Maybe your DH wants some quiet time in the car to catch up with his daughter? He wants to do it, she wants him to do it. You do sound unnecessarily mean and controlling.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 08/11/2021 18:36

I started off thinking you were BU but if she’s got a bad attitude then let her get the train.

museumum · 08/11/2021 18:36

Three trains is a pita.
I always got myself to and from uni but I’m not a great example to follow. My parents were big on “independence” and as a result we just weren’t close at all from my late teens right up till I had my own baby. Even now we’re not as close as many families.

Idrinklotsofcoffee · 08/11/2021 18:36

I also have a teen who’s not very nice most of the time and treats the house like a hotel when she’s here so I sympathise. I feel the same as you.

Original poster

Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 18:37

@gemandjule

Most 20 years can manage perfectly!

OP posts:

nokidshere · 08/11/2021 18:37

I roll my eyes at DH driving our boys to and from uni but he loves it. He enjoys spending time with them on the longer journeys, gives them a chance to really chat and they normally stop and have food on the way.

If it were up to me they'd get the train.

Original poster

Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 18:38

@Idrinklotsofcoffee

I also have a teen who’s not very nice most of the time and treats the house like a hotel when she’s here so I sympathise. I feel the same as you.

Thank you, it means alot to have someone who understands.

Sorry your teen is going through it too.

OP posts:

JemimaPiddleDick · 08/11/2021 18:38

12 hour round trip for us to collect our DD our daughter and we do it gladly

minervas1 · 08/11/2021 18:38

this is really mean :( And also kind of not your business - if your husband is happy to travel, what’s the problem?

Surely you don’t want to start the Christmas holidays on a sour note, particularly if it sounds like things can be fraught. I know trains at Christmas put me in an awful mood if I have lots of luggage too, and they’re always delayed. Why make your daughter’s life more miserable if you can help it?

Hollyhead · 08/11/2021 18:39

Is there a halfway house where she gets 1 or 2 of the trains and then he picks her up for the last stint?

RampantIvy · 08/11/2021 18:39

This is turning into another Four Yorkshiremen thread.

When I was a student I had to walk 100 miles to the station and catch 5 trains, each journey lasting several hours, I then had another 50 miles to walk at the other end

treesandweeds · 08/11/2021 18:39

You haven't said why you are finding it an issue really. Reading between the lines it sounds like she's annoyed you and you are taking this stance to teach her a lesson and get back at her a bit.
Try to be more patient and generous or she won't want to come hone.

CailleachO · 08/11/2021 18:40

That's the Christmas spirit! Christmas is perhaps not the best time to make a point and start getting tough. It will just breed resentment. Perhaps she's had less of both you than us ideal given the two younger SEN siblings? I'd address her behavior as separate issue to whether or not DH offers her a ride.

Whitefire · 08/11/2021 18:40

Gracious me I used to have to train into London, tube across, another train out of London and then either catch the bus or walk from the station.

A 7 HR round trip is ridiculous, I had a rucksack as it was much easier on the tube.

Doveyouknow · 08/11/2021 18:40

I always got the train home in the holidays and have quite fond memories of those trips home. It didn't occur to me to ask to be collected. In the summer hols though my parents came and got me as I had too much stuff for the train.

MissyB1 · 08/11/2021 18:41

Bloody hell I must be evil mum! I have two adult dc who have been through Uni. Never drove either of them, they caught trains and coped perfectly well! Ds1 had to catch 3 trains. It’s part of growing up.
OP is your Dh part of the problem with her?

Hoppinggreen · 08/11/2021 18:41

If DH told me I couldn’t get one of our DC from somewhere I would not be happy. I would also collect her assuming I could due to work commitments and cost

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 23 24