To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

[Thesandwichyears]

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

You don’t seem to like your daughter very much!

Of course she should get the train. And it's very nice of you to offer to pay for it too.

Young people nowadays expect their parents to do everything for them ...

I’d let him go. It’s not her fault you had 3 more children after her.

We picked our daughter up from uni and it was probably further than your trip op. We also drove to help with moving every year. I don't think it crossed our minds not to. Uni was in a nice place though, so not really a hardship.

Surely you knew that sometimes you would be left holding the fort looking after some or all of your children at some point?

I collect DD at holiday time because she always has loads to carry, the main reason being that her room is like a garden centre and she can't leave her plants for three weeks without water.

Plus, we have a good chat in the car on the way home

Could you do the journey, and let DH take the kids? It could be quite nice - radio on for the way there and a catch up on the way home.

However, I don't think you need to go. I always made my way back for Christmas.

Neither of my parents could drive so I caught the train every time with multiple suitcases/bags. Independence is good for teenagers.

Although so is having quiet time with a parent.

When I was university on the south coast, many many years ago, I had friends from Edinburgh and Belfast who got themselves home for the holidays on public transport. Presumably she knew how far it was when she went. She's got the time to travel. I would say she does it by public transport. Possibly collect her from a mainline station?

If he is happy to do the pickup I think it's nice. She will remember it fondly one day. It's definitely a long journey though so I wouldn't want to do it personally. Is he taken her back too.

@Arabelladrinkstea

You don’t seem to like your daughter very much!

I love her but right now I don’t like her very much

I think if he wants to do it, fine - although I’m with you. Mine are only an hour and two hours away and they come back on the train.

But I do insist on a more adult expectation of dc once they have “left home” and are returning. I expect more equal behaviour and not just mummy running around after them.

If he is willing to go I can’t see the problem.

YABU and surely it's up to your him anyway.

I went to uni 4 hours away from home and the rare occasions I got picked up were amazing. It's so rotten travelling on the busy trains and buses at Christmas time, especially when there's an alternative.

@Spanglemum

When I was university on the south coast, many many years ago, I had friends from Edinburgh and Belfast who got themselves home for the holidays on public transport. Presumably she knew how far it was when she went. She's got the time to travel. I would say she does it by public transport. Possibly collect her from a mainline station?

Yes we would collect her from station

@LiquidSodaCrystal

I think if he wants to do it, fine - although I’m with you. Mine are only an hour and two hours away and they come back on the train.

But I do insist on a more adult expectation of dc once they have “left home” and are returning. I expect more equal behaviour and not just mummy running around after them.

Yep! As I said above, I feel its time she grew up

I was only taken/collected at the start and end of term. It’s part of being a grown up. It’s perfectly fine.

I'm surprised you're getting so many posts telling me you're mean.

She can take however long it takes by public transport or your poor DH can do a 7 hour trip. It's a no brainer IMO and I'm always offering to pick up my own young adult DC from things.

Apart from any other considerations, it's more environmentally friendly to take public transport than use 7 hours worth of petrol for one person.

We go and get my daughter which is a ten hour round trip, and will stay overnight I expect. I used to travel to and from university on the train though 30!odd years ago. Trains are really expensive now, return trip to my dd’s uni is £140 with a railcard.

Telling you. Not telling me 😳

I would make her get the train, she needs to learn to be independent, she is 20 . You are not doing her any long term favours by pandering to her. When my 16DS was away at college, he got the train into London then back out again as it was 6 hour round trip by car.

@Derbee

I think you sound really nasty. Your DH sounds normal, and wants to help your DD. You’re not even being expected to do the drive or anything. Mean. My parents always came to get me when I didn’t have a car. I would always go and get my DC from uni (although it’s years away)

You have young children, you may feel differently when they are adults. I’m far from nasty.

A seven hour round trip is quite a lot but if your DH is up for doing it for his child it’s not really your place to tell him he can’t.

DD is perfectly capable of getting the train home. I choose to pick her up BTW.

I was perfectly grown up at uni, but it was still nice for someone to pick me up for holidays . I’m not sure how the two are related.
I’m 38 with 3 kids now but DH still gives me lifts to places sometimes when I could get the bus.