To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

[Thesandwichyears]

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

@Evesgarden

Ah OP, I went though this with my dd1 between the ages 19-21. I hear you.

Its not about being picked up really, its about that she is probably quite ungrateful and entitled about it.

If he wants to pick her up, let him get her.

And honestly this time will pass, my dd1 is 25 now and we get on amazingly.

Its wonderful to hear this! Right now shes such hard work.

He is going to and shes going to get the train back. I think posters who said, its a nice tine for them may be right.

Posters who have said I’m mean and nasty, quite frankly don’t know me.

I love my daughter but Shes not very likeable right now.

All 3 of ours make their own way, two now have cars but my sen dd can't drive so it's train for her, I drive to the station 25 mins away rather than making her take the bus

Also, its the fact she demands a lift and expects it.

Leave your DH with the younger children and go get her yourself; you can catch up.

@Mojoj

Sounds like you're more pissed off at your girl's entitled attitude? It won't change as long as her daddy keeps running after her.

Yes!!

@Ineedapuppy

Why do you get to dictate to your husband how he wants to parent his daughter?

You could equally ask why does he get to dictate that OP has to parent their other younger children (2 with additional needs) alone for 7 hours.

I always pick mine up and really enjoy doing so

I think the replies here are weird.

She's 20 years old and coming home from the Christmas holidays not moving house.

TWENTY!!

It's also bad for the environment to do a round trip when she can manage on public transport.

@itsallgoingpearshaped

Leave your DH with the younger children and go get her yourself; you can catch up.

I went bu train!!! Not long ago, day 1 she was lovely, 2 two from the get go, she was foul. I’ve vowed not do it again until she is kinder.

Thank you Minervas

They really are great memories.
I am the middle child and my mum was always busy with my "baby brother"
It was good to have dad to myself. He worked long hours when I was a child as he was the only wage earner so didn't see him until 7pm most nights.

Can you imagine the replies if a woman came on here and said she wanted to go and pick her daughter up from university but her husband had said no because he didn't want to "hold the fort" with the three younger children because 2 are SEN?! He'd be called all the names under the sun and she'd be told she had "a DH problem" and to tell him to be packed before she got home and be asked "Is he always so useless?" and "They're his kids too!", "LTB", etc etc... Not sure this is different just because the roles are reversed.

This, its a two way street. I’m just expected to do it. My ds is wonderful mostly but can be very intense, asd.

I got a train, tube and a train regularly when I was 17 on my own, some dark evenings too. Over 50 years ago mind you but my parents wouldn’t have even thought of offering and I wouldn’t have asked. They drove me when I had a car load of stuff at the beginning and the end.

I don’t get all of the it’s up to him, nothing to do with you replies either. Of course it’s something to do with you, is he going to sort child care for your other DC’s if you don’t want to be left all day.

Could they compromise and he meet her half way?

And if she has been awful to you he should be supporting you not undermining you.

I used to love my DM picking me up from uni (my DDad died before I went), we’d chat about everything and grab some food on the way back.

@user1487194234

I always pick mine up and really enjoy doing so

Thats nice

You offer to go do the trip. Your H can manage the younger DC.

See what he thinks of that plan.

I don't think yabu at all. I never expected to be picked up for holidays and just jumped on the bus/train. It didn't scar me for life! And if your DD is not being very pleasant right now, then maybe giving her that responsibility would be a good thing

If he wants to what's the issue unless the fuel cost would cause a longer term issue.

@Thesandwichyears

I went bu train!!! Not long ago, day 1 she was lovely, 2 two from the get go, she was foul. I’ve vowed not do it again until she is kinder.

Can you please clarify what on earth this means?

@Fernando072020

I don't think yabu at all. I never expected to be picked up for holidays and just jumped on the bus/train. It didn't scar me for life! And if your DD is not being very pleasant right now, then maybe giving her that responsibility would be a good thing

This is wear Im coming from.

[quote Anonymous48]@Thesandwichyears

I went bu train!!! Not long ago, day 1 she was lovely, 2 two from the get go, she was foul. I’ve vowed not do it again until she is kinder.

Can you please clarify what on earth this means?[/quote]
Which bit?

Over 40 years ago ffs I just aged a decade 👵

She makes her own way home, then if she's not a dick over Christmas your DH can drive her back. If her attitude stinks then she can go back on her own too.

She's not made of glass! She will be fine, tonnes of travellers use a pull along suitcase and a backpack and just get on.

People mentioning covid, such a red herring. She living in halls, clubbing in packed venues most nights.

My parents don't and have never driven, maybe that was the difference, I had little choice but to get on with it.

I also did two hospital placements in London and one on the south coast, (stopping in accommodation) no option but to be self sufficient.