To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

[Thesandwichyears]

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

Believe me, I know what a rude and entitled teen looks like, but in the case of the OP, battening down in their own little group and leaving the dd to make her own way home is just horrible.

For the fifty billionth time IT’S NOT ABOUT THE ABILITY TO GET ON A TRAIN . Yeah, we all know you took the train alone as a foetus lugging six trunks, and I’m sure OP’s dd can do this journey.

But if a parent wants to fetch a child (of whatever age!) to save them the pain of a three-train journey and the other parent wants to stop them then that sounds to me like jealousy and more going on than simply being heavily pissed off with a rude and entitled dd.

@peaceanddove

The poor DD shouldn't have to feel pathetically grateful that her own parents will help her out if at all possible to do so. It should be a given.

Nobody should expect people to help them out if "at all possible" if they are rude and ungrateful about it, especially if it's not really needed. THAT is the point.

[quote Derbee]@aSofaNearYou OR, a lot of posters feel that a father and daughter having a good relationship is not something to be complained about. Just because OP doesn’t like her DD, it doesn’t mean her DH has to be hostile and unkind as well. But she’d prefer it that way[/quote]
If that's the case, why on earth was your argument all about OP being needy for not being able to "cope" without him? Totally different area of focus and you've glossed over what you said there.

She's not asking him to be hostile and unkind for shits and giggles. She's asking him to assist in teaching their child some manners.

Leaving aside the physical ability (or not) to catch a train, and the environmental factors:

How many of you would be happy to oblige a rude and entitled young adult child?

Do those of you with toddlers say yes to everything just because they scream and stamp their feet?

This is the bit I don't understand. It isn't a debate about whether a young adult can use public transport, or whether it's nice and friendly to spend 3 hours in a car with them. It's about whether someone who's unpleasant should learn at some point that she needs to be a bit more agreeable if she wants other people to do her favours.

I am quite sure the OP would have no problem with any of it if her DD were generally pleasant and had asked politely.

It’s hardly difficult for her to get the train

@DelphineDeneuve

Leaving aside the physical ability (or not) to catch a train, and the environmental factors:

How many of you would be happy to oblige a rude and entitled young adult child?

Do those of you with toddlers say yes to everything just because they scream and stamp their feet?

This is the bit I don't understand. It isn't a debate about whether a young adult can use public transport, or whether it's nice and friendly to spend 3 hours in a car with them. It's about whether someone who's unpleasant should learn at some point that she needs to be a bit more agreeable if she wants other people to do her favours.

I am quite sure the OP would have no problem with any of it if her DD were generally pleasant and had asked politely.

Completely agree, my thoughts exactly!

@aSofaNearYou it is needy to not allow another adult to leave the house because you can’t look after your children. There’s nothing to say the DD has bad manners, apart from the opinion of the OP who clearly doesn’t get in with her anyway.

Repeating myself here, but is Christmas really the best time for teaching someone a lesson ? Going into what should be a nice time with open hostilities seems like a mistake to me - for everyone. Surely best for the df to take the opportunity to have a bit of a heart to heart with the dd about how she’s upset mum and can this be a season of goodwill to all (wo)men.

Again, the OP sounds not just cheesed off with painful dd (normal) but resentful of Dh helping her (not normal) .

[quote Derbee]@aSofaNearYou it is needy to not allow another adult to leave the house because you can’t look after your children. There’s nothing to say the DD has bad manners, apart from the opinion of the OP who clearly doesn’t get in with her anyway.[/quote]
Again, it's not that she CAN'T cope, it's that she doesn't feel she should have to given how little DD has done to deserve help with this. Very different things. The former is a very patronising assumption.

I'm not really sure what the point of the second half about her not really being rude is, unless you just think the whole thread is a lie? I'm sure OP would rather like her daughter and think she was great, it's her child, why on Earth would you not just take it at face value when she says what her behaviour is like? Might as well just write the whole thread off if you're going to disregard and disbelief such a core part of the situation.

@aSofaNearYou

Bollocks. If the OP is genuinely incapable of looking after her other children alone, she must NEVER let her poor DH leave the bloody house. Everyone should stop having children before the point of not being able to look after all of them .

Classic MN competitive attitude about ever "needing" help from your partner with the kids. There are always people here to tell you how they juggled twelve kids by themselves and if you can't do that why are you even a parent.

It's totally missing the point. It's not about the fact that OP CAN'T cope, it's just that the perfectly capable 20 year old has not been polite or grateful enough to justify dedicating the day to her, it would be better spent with the rest of the family. This is a perfectly normal, parenting judgment, and yet the smug people on here would rather everyone martyr themselves to proving they can cope with anything and everything than recognise that.

The OP can cope but doesn't want to. The daughter can catch the train but doesn't want to. Both want the husband/father to facilitate them. He wants to facilitate his daughter. You and the OP might think the day is better spent with his family (of which his older daughter is a member too) but he clearly doesn't, so the argument OP has is with him, not her daughter, who is only looking to her own interests, just like the OP is. The OP indicates that her daughter is the way she is due to bring indulged. She didn't indulge herself, and there's been 20 years to work on that. The OP is deciding it needs a firm stance now because its inconvenient to her, not as part of a parenting strategy.

@DottyHarmer

Repeating myself here, but is Christmas really the best time for teaching someone a lesson ? Going into what should be a nice time with open hostilities seems like a mistake to me - for everyone. Surely best for the df to take the opportunity to have a bit of a heart to heart with the dd about how she’s upset mum and can this be a season of goodwill to all (wo)men.

Again, the OP sounds not just cheesed off with painful dd (normal) but resentful of Dh helping her (not normal) .

I actually think the first bit of what you've said here is a valid point and way of looking at things, but for the love of god what is the obsession on this thread with it being "not normal" for OP to resent her DH doing the opposite of the parenting approach she wants them to take with their DD? That is a completely normal and standard reaction between two parents that aren't on the same page.

MrsElijjahMikaelson1 The student in question is not a child

@DelphineDeneuve

Leaving aside the physical ability (or not) to catch a train, and the environmental factors:

How many of you would be happy to oblige a rude and entitled young adult child?

Do those of you with toddlers say yes to everything just because they scream and stamp their feet?

This is the bit I don't understand. It isn't a debate about whether a young adult can use public transport, or whether it's nice and friendly to spend 3 hours in a car with them. It's about whether someone who's unpleasant should learn at some point that she needs to be a bit more agreeable if she wants other people to do her favours.

I am quite sure the OP would have no problem with any of it if her DD were generally pleasant and had asked politely.

I wouldn't be at all surprised, given OP's attitude towards her daughter, that the rude behavior is a direct result of feeling uncared for and pushed out by her own mother who doesn't even like her. The daughter may technically be an adult, but she's still very young and I'm sure still craves her parents' love and attention.

I wouldn't be at all surprised, given OP's attitude towards her daughter, that the rude behavior is a direct result of feeling uncared for and pushed out by her own mother who doesn't even like her. The daughter may technically be an adult, but she's still very young and I'm sure still craves her parents' love and attention.

You may not be surprised, but that is absolutely no more likely than that the girl's behaviour came first, and OPs feelings towards her came as a result of it. There are plenty of rude, entitled young adults whose parents were perfectly good to them.

I think things have changed somewhat. Aeons ago, in university accommodation, I used to be able to leave things in storage or even in my room between terms. I just took home a suitcase and back pack. Of course we didn't have laptops etc it was so long ago. So I could travel by train or later on my motorbike. Nowadays especially over long holidays the university/college could rent those rooms out. Different of course if you rent privately and can leave whatever you want.

I wouldn't be entirely sure about this, @Anonymous48

I know plenty of lovely parents who have entitled and unpleasant children. Sometimes they have a couple of very nice and pleasant children, and still manage to have one who acts like an entitled PITA.

Obviously nobody knows what the background is in this particular case, but I can say with absolute certainty that bad, demanding, entitled behaviour on the part of children/young adults is not always their parents' fault. Some young people do take a lot longer to mature and become more reasonable than others, and still need a metaphorical kick up the backside every now and then.

I am more than happy to help my children out so long as they are reasonably civil and don't either make unreasonable demands or expect me to drop everything to oblige them.

@DelphineDeneuve

I wouldn't be entirely sure about this, *@Anonymous48*

I know plenty of lovely parents who have entitled and unpleasant children. Sometimes they have a couple of very nice and pleasant children, and still manage to have one who acts like an entitled PITA.

Obviously nobody knows what the background is in this particular case, but I can say with absolute certainty that bad, demanding, entitled behaviour on the part of children/young adults is not always their parents' fault. Some young people do take a lot longer to mature and become more reasonable than others, and still need a metaphorical kick up the backside every now and then.

I am more than happy to help my children out so long as they are reasonably civil and don't either make unreasonable demands or expect me to drop everything to oblige them.

Still, I can't imagine there ever being a situation in which I would say that I don't like my child.

We only had our son so no others to contend with. On Xmas eve we drove from Newcastle to Colchester (where he was working) picked him up, brought him home and then did the repeat journey boxing day night, as he was at work on the 27th. We stayed at a hotel an d leisurely drove home the following day.

Would never not have collected him from uni or work (although he was more than capable of getting train from Hull uni to Liverpool as his girlfriend was there!)

@safclass

We only had our son so no others to contend with. On Xmas eve we drove from Newcastle to Colchester (where he was working) picked him up, brought him home and then did the repeat journey boxing day night, as he was at work on the 27th. We stayed at a hotel an d leisurely drove home the following day.

Would never not have collected him from uni or work (although he was more than capable of getting train from Hull uni to Liverpool as his girlfriend was there!)

What if he had acted like an entitled pain in the arse and had expected you to do it, just because he said so? What if he were rude and obnoxious when at home?

I would do this for my DC, so long as they ask politely (or if it's a joint family decision), I could well imagine myself saying to one of mine "Well, if you're finishing on Christmas Eve, I don't mind picking you up because the trains are going to be pretty crap and expensive, and then we could do blah blah blah"

But if one of mine behaved in a rude and dismissive manner when at home, and then said "I expect you to collect me because my suitcase is too small", I would say "here's the money for a train and a bigger suitcase".

Dad never bothered with uni pick ups / drop offs but he was the only one even back in the late 90s. Everyone else’s parents drove them and my friends thought it was quite sad mine didn’t despite having the capability to do it. It was a symptom of how shit my parents were - often I’d be wheeling a huge suitcase home from the station too (2 miles away so taxis rarely accepted the fair) because it was too cold or wet for him to come out - but obvs fine for me to walk home in the dark. I always resented it especially since he treated my siblings much, much better. I imagine, like me, she might be upset that her siblings get more time and attention and is trying to claim some of it back; feelings like that never entirely go away as you get older.

There's no need for him to collect. The only time I had a lift was when we had to clear our rooms, otherwise everyone got the train/coach back home.

7 hours is not long to be left with your own children. Let your DH pick DD up, it'll be good for them to have a catch up in the car.

@Ozanj

Dad never bothered with uni pick ups / drop offs but he was the only one even back in the late 90s. Everyone else’s parents drove them and my friends thought it was quite sad mine didn’t despite having the capability to do it. It was a symptom of how shit my parents were - often I’d be wheeling a huge suitcase home from the station too (2 miles away so taxis rarely accepted the fair) because it was too cold or wet for him to come out - but obvs fine for me to walk home in the dark. I always resented it especially since he treated my siblings much, much better. I imagine, like me, she might be upset that her siblings get more time and attention and is trying to claim some of it back; feelings like that never entirely go away as you get older.

Being stingy about a 10 minute drive to the station is very different from not driving 7 hours to save someone from getting a train.

@aSofaNearYou

I wouldn't be at all surprised, given OP's attitude towards her daughter, that the rude behavior is a direct result of feeling uncared for and pushed out by her own mother who doesn't even like her. The daughter may technically be an adult, but she's still very young and I'm sure still craves her parents' love and attention.

You may not be surprised, but that is absolutely no more likely than that the girl's behaviour came first, and OPs feelings towards her came as a result of it. There are plenty of rude, entitled young adults whose parents were perfectly good to them.

I think have siblings with SEN can be hard on other children, particularly the eldest. They can be expected to "get on with it" as they are more able but they are still children and I think as much as having siblings with SEN can make you empathetic and kind it can also make you resentful. Maybe even a mixture.

I was occasionally picked up by my DF and I loved it! We really talked on the journey. I would always pick up and drop off my DS. I think it would be good for your DD to have one on one time with your DH prior to getting home.

I don't get the "holding the fort" comment. It's only for a day at most.