To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

[Thesandwichyears]

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

I always went.
Being mean is another issue-this needs tackling.

My parents always drove for me at the start and end of the year and I generally did the train for any other visits so she could quite easily do the Christmas trip by train. But, if your husband is willing, I often found the Christmas trains a fairly hideous experience

Same with me - start end of year they got me and my stuff there and back and I did trains rest of the time. Also agree that trains with large cases at christmas not so fun.

What about a compromise?

Discuss it with him. She gets one journey not both ways.

He will either collect her and she makes her own way back or vice versa.

It almost sounds like you're jealous of your husband wanting to spend time with your daughter rather than helping you with your other kids.
Is the real reason you don't want him to pick her up that you want her to be more independent, or that you don't like her?
Maybe she realises that and that's why she's rude?

I always pick up the DC if we can schedule it in.... they make a big effort to be accommodating in that respect! One 12 hour round trip plus stops. Two 6 hour round trips.
I enjoy it as it's a chance to really catch up with them. Could you go and leave DH home with the kids?

My parents always took me and collected me for the beginning/end of uni terms. They did the same for my brother who was a lot further away too with an awful cross country trip. They used to make a weekend of it and both were still full time working too.

He probably wants the break

I always got the train. Would be lovely to have the kind of relationship with your parents where they would do this for you. I’ll be offering to do it for mine, when the time comes.

I sympathise with you being stuck on your own for the day though

@MissyB1

Bloody hell I must be evil mum! I have two adult dc who have been through Uni. Never drove either of them, they caught trains and coped perfectly well! Ds1 had to catch 3 trains. It’s part of growing up. OP is your Dh part of the problem with her?

Yup, I think so

If he wants to get her let him get her. I had lots of meaningful conversations with my parents when they picked me up from uni.

Why are you so bitter? Why do you hate your Dd so much, Mrs Scrooge? Let dh pick up his Dd. They’ll have time to catch up and enjoy the ride. No need for for him to take other dc.

My brother used to come and get me, it was ace. He'd come up early and we'd make a day of it, drive home chatting all the way and stopping for McDonald's breaks etc. I'm more than 20 years out and I still have great memories of those road trips!

Does your husband not work at all in the school holidays, OP? Surely 7 hours is a short working days worth of time. 3.5 hours driving straight is probably the whole day across three trains.

Mine are now 23 and 25 and I have spent many many journeys taking them to from uni at Christmas, Easter and summer - both approx a 7 hour round trip. I am sure she could “manage” on the train but it’s nice to pick her up - and it’s Christmas! If she’s not very nice to you well that’s a different problem entirely and needs addressing but probably as a separate issue.

Don’t be so mean

Just let him pick her up, they can spend quality time together, sounds like she won’t get much at home

As to her attitude stinking, perhaps you need fo look at yours towards her if your post is anything to go by

Just tell her to stay at uni. In fact if you do that often enough she will decide to stay away permanently. There you go. Job done.

I'm with you, OP. I find it really strange that an adult would even ask this, or would have a train ticket paid for. Its just odd to me, but maybe I'm in the minority.

Why does it have to be extremes? If your DD has to get 3 trains, could your DH meet her part way rather than do the whole 7hr round trip?

When I was at Uni in the Midlands and had to get home to the Lake District I would have to get a minimum of 2 trains (Midlands-Manchester; Manchester-Home) but usually at least three or 4 as the Manchester-Home leg would usually require at least one change at either Preston or Lancaster, if not both, depending on the train schedules.

I was always happy to get the train home as I would sometimes stop off in Manchester for the day, or even overnight, so I could see friends but if the train connections were not great or it was bad weather (so likely that the lines would be too cold/wet/dry/hot so the train would be cancelled) then my dad would usually offer to pick me up at Preston/Lancaster to save me the last leg or two of the journey. If he'd have picked me up from uni it would have been about a 9/10hr round trip but picking me up from the last connection was a 2/2.5 hr round trip.

Or he could pick her up from the end of the 2nd train journey or something so he's not gone as long.

When I was 23 - 30 I did similar journeys twice a year with 2 children, from newborn upwards. YANBU.

I'm surprised by all of the responses. She's 20 years old, she can find her own way home 😂 my goodness, she's not 12. She's an adult who's fully capable of getting on a train.

@Chloemol

Don’t be so mean

Just let him pick her up, they can spend quality time together, sounds like she won’t get much at home

As to her attitude stinking, perhaps you need fo look at yours towards her if your post is anything to go by

Of course she could get the train and I'm sure she's perfectly capable of doing so. But that doesn't mean she has to get the train. It will be nice for both her and your husband for him to pick her up.

Don't you miss her at all? My daughter is away at university, somewhere that would be a 17 hour drive for us (not in the UK). Driving to pick her up really isn't an option so she'll be flying home. But we miss her and if it wasn't quite so far I would be thrilled to go pick her up, as I'm sure her father would be too.

I understand where you're coming from.
But it's entirely up to your DH. If he wants to do it then there shouldn't be any debate. And you should bear a grudge at him for doing it. Don't let it become a situation where he has to choose to please his wife or his daughter.

Sounds like you're more pissed off at your girl's entitled attitude? It won't change as long as her daddy keeps running after her.