Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

600 replies

Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 18:19

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:
PollyWobbles · 09/11/2021 11:18

I'd have no issues with collecting a pleasant and considerate daughter for Christmas. I'd have several issues with collecting one who was rude and behaved badly once at home

When my DD was at uni it was a 6 hour round trip. Before she went, I told her I would take her at the beginning of the term and collect her at the end of term. Popping back mid term/ half term type times/ Easter etc - she had to get the train. It was 3 changes and I'd collect her at the station near home

It seems very simple to me - you're less inclined to do things to make her life easier whilst she is treating you with utter disdain and why the bloody hell should you? Her attitude improves and I'm sure you'll be more favourable to helping her out

I think you paying for the train and collecting at the station is perfectly acceptable. However of your husband wants to get her, then that's down to him

Going forward, I'd be clamping down on her poor attitude towards you. I've got a 23 year old and a 15 year old so I'm well aware of just how trying they can be

PRsecrets · 09/11/2021 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Medievalist · 09/11/2021 11:33

@DottyHarmer

AncientGran was being ironic.

Really? Strange form of irony as there was nothing in my post to suggest entitlement or hardship. 🤷‍♀️

Tevion28 · 09/11/2021 11:34

Sorry you sound awful

leafygarden42 · 09/11/2021 11:45

Sorry you sound awful

Don't be ridiculous! The OP sounds perfectly sensible, her DD on the other hand, sounds like a brat and is behaving poorly. The DH is encouraging that behaviour by pandering to her.

MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny · 09/11/2021 11:49

@nickyschof

I wonder if the daughter is actually a SD?
?!
Ledition · 09/11/2021 11:51

If he wants to it's up to him but babying an already bratty 21 year old is doing her no favours. I went to uni in a different country and always managed fine flying home alone with suitcases/bags etc. it contributes to a sense of self-reliance and confidence - i.e. growing up!

Although considering things sound so tense between you and her then it could be a good idea for you to pick her up - long car journeys are often the best time to have honest chats/bonding with DC. You could try to resolve things before she lands home and resentments start to buildup. The journey might save christmas!

Poetrypatty · 09/11/2021 11:52

If your DH is willing why not. She’ll be safer getting a lift

Statistically speaking surely it's safer taking the train than going by car?

On MN everyone seems to get on marvellously with their teenagers and young adults at all times. I think the OP is getting too hard a time. No reason why the dd can't get the train.

randomsabreuse · 09/11/2021 12:15

My parents picked me up with the BIG car if I had to move out for the holidays (1st year halls). Otherwise it was train. Got train home from rural France and despite getting my wallet stolen in the Paris Metro and running into delays it was fine (and I'm still less sloppy about putting my wallet away properly rather than shoving it in my coat pocket for the barrier...)

beachtosunset · 09/11/2021 14:43

@nickyschof

I wonder if the daughter is actually a SD?
@nickyschof

aha! i wondered that too....

theremustonlybeone · 09/11/2021 15:03

I do wonder if this is a SD as the line stating its not fair to be left with 3 DC whilst DH goes to pick her up is odd language to use about ones own adult DC. I would assume your DH goes out to work and your at home all day with the kids so i cant see the difference tbh.

saraclara · 09/11/2021 15:10

Is this still going on?

Good grief. MNers in general love to complain about people acting entitled. But when a parent actively tries to teach her daughter that acting in a rude and entitled manner will not not result in getting what she wants, she's accused of being spiteful!

As for the suggestion that she must actually be the step mum. Words fail me. Peak Mumsnet there.

theremustonlybeone · 09/11/2021 15:13

saraclara doesnt seem she is trying to teacher her a lesson.

OP made reference to her DD being rude at times but used her own background as the reason for not giving her a lift. Stating it is time she grew up and take the train just like she did when she was young.

Eltonsglasses · 09/11/2021 15:15

This is such an attitude towards your own child.

'It's time she grew up' is a bit of a strange thing to say just because her dad is collecting her. Yes we can all catch a train but equally there is nothing that makes anyone less of an adult if they get a lift.

beachtosunset · 09/11/2021 15:16

@saraclara

Is this still going on?

Good grief. MNers in general love to complain about people acting entitled. But when a parent actively tries to teach her daughter that acting in a rude and entitled manner will not not result in getting what she wants, she's accused of being spiteful!

As for the suggestion that she must actually be the step mum. Words fail me. Peak Mumsnet there.

@saraclara for me it was the age gap 20year old and three small children.

I don't blame mum and yes the daughter/step daughter could at least buy a large suitcase and get the train for part way and collected from a station. (I did years ago from Cambridge and was only 40miles from home! not 7 hour round trip from home but would still not expect a whole journey from parents working and hoping to avoid crazy city centre).

It is a possibility that daughter is a child from a previous relationship.

saraclara · 09/11/2021 15:48

@beachtosunset OP said " three children younger than her" not three young children

beachtosunset · 09/11/2021 15:53

@saraclara oh thank you. i still think there could be some practical middle ground here. Part lift part train.

campion · 09/11/2021 15:56

@beachtosunset

At no point did the OP say she has much younger children. If the 20 yr old daughter is the oldest then, by default, the other 3 are younger. 2 have sen.

Also, there is absolutely no suggestion that this is not her daughter. She refers to her as such. Why would you suggest otherwise? It's not Cinderella; just a rude and - probably - rather disruptive member of the family about to descend for the season of goodwill.

As I said earlier; it's not really about the details of the journey!

beachtosunset · 09/11/2021 16:04

@campion

it may be due to the fact that a lot of attention goes to the 2 SEN children and the 20year old feels pushed out. Mum is not expected to do the journey. OP did choose 4 children. Dad is happy to collect. Dad and daughter could have time to themselves. OP had said part of the issue was being left for so many hours with 3 kids 2 of which have SEN.

I can see why mum is angry at the attitude but there must be a reason why.

aSofaNearYou · 09/11/2021 16:08

[quote beachtosunset]@campion

it may be due to the fact that a lot of attention goes to the 2 SEN children and the 20year old feels pushed out. Mum is not expected to do the journey. OP did choose 4 children. Dad is happy to collect. Dad and daughter could have time to themselves. OP had said part of the issue was being left for so many hours with 3 kids 2 of which have SEN.

I can see why mum is angry at the attitude but there must be a reason why.[/quote]
Must there? Some people just have a bad attitude without having a valid excuse.

beachtosunset · 09/11/2021 16:11

@aSofaNearYou

ok leave her there. How festive...

aSofaNearYou · 09/11/2021 16:11

[quote beachtosunset]@aSofaNearYou

ok leave her there. How festive...[/quote]
Or she gets the train like most other people her age do?

Making rude demands of your parents isn't very festive either, the very opposite in fact.

beachtosunset · 09/11/2021 16:14

but i have already suggested many times to get the train and dad pick her up from the station but that was challenged by a previous poster because it was not about the practicalities of the journey apparently. And yet it is really...

theremustonlybeone · 09/11/2021 16:14

The reason I am suggesting she is SD as the language used is the kind of thing my DH would say about my eldest DS.

He needs to grow up, what you going to do that for him for and getting cross that I would want to go and pick him up, stating things werent fair. Getting jealous if I did things and left him with the younger DC.

It isnt the normal language used when referring to your DC and the OP stating him picking her up isnt fair as she is being left with the DC is odd. Stating she needs to grow up and get a train as that is what she did is odd too. Its like referring to someone elses DC and not your own.

beachtosunset · 09/11/2021 16:17

@campion sorry that was my reply to you. I had already suggestef the train many posts ago but it was rebuffed.