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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

600 replies

Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 18:19

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:
MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny · 09/11/2021 09:36

@Evesgarden Agree with you 100%.

irregularegular · 09/11/2021 09:37

The environmental point is a good one and would give me pause. I'm also a bit influenced by the fact that my daughter has to clear all her stuff out at the end of each term so the train really isn't an option. For me it does rather hinge on just how much longer the train journey is than the car journey as to whether going by car is at all reasonable. But that wasn't how you presented it - you just seemed really anti the whole idea regardless!

ancientgran · 09/11/2021 09:39

@Medievalist

I went 300 miles away at 18 and went up on the coach with my trunk sent seperately.

Only 200 miles for me but I also had my trunk sent on ahead and travelled to uni on my own. The only time my parents ever drove me home was after graduation as they were going that way anyway!

You didn't walk with your trunk on your back. Honestly you are so entitled.
ancientgran · 09/11/2021 09:41

@irregularegular

The environmental point is a good one and would give me pause. I'm also a bit influenced by the fact that my daughter has to clear all her stuff out at the end of each term so the train really isn't an option. For me it does rather hinge on just how much longer the train journey is than the car journey as to whether going by car is at all reasonable. But that wasn't how you presented it - you just seemed really anti the whole idea regardless!
My DD and one of my sons was the same, there was some storage space but they were expected to leave that for overseas students so everything had to be moved.
HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss · 09/11/2021 09:42

I've always driven DCs at the start and end of year (especially if they're moving accommodation), but any other visit home they get the train/coach!

Of course she may be weighed down with Xmas presents for you all Grin

irregularegular · 09/11/2021 09:44

*Although I used to take and pick up DD at the beginning and end of term, she used to come home for a weekend on the train. One time, she was made to feel uncomfortable by the attentions of a male passenger.

Another time, there was a suicide and they closed the line. They told everybody to get off the train about 11 pm at a rural station, which was just a platform in the dark - no station. She had no idea where she was, or how to get to the nearest city - there was no civilisation in sight. Hotels in the city were pretty full anyway. I was just about to drive there to pick her up, at least an hour and a half drive from home; but luckily the last train they were letting through to the next city came along and she got on it. She was then able to get another train from the city to London.*

And both times she was just fine. I once spent the night at a station as a penniless student as I missed the connection (not my fault, train service and info were messed up). And my daughter recently caught a 30 min train home after a night out at 3am, fell asleep twice, and didn't make it home until 7am. Neither were the best nights, but certainly wouldn't stop me or anyone close to me using evening trains again.

Travelling by car you could be in an accident. Stuff happens, occasionally, whatever you do. Travelling by train is NOT fundamentally dangerous. And certainly a daytime trip (as opposed to a 3am one) is highly unlikely to lead to an significant problems.

MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny · 09/11/2021 09:57

Some of us actually like our children and look forward to seeing them at the end of term and shock horror some of them actually like us

@ancientgran

Did you read what I said about my fabulous, brilliant, funny, delightful 20 yr old son? Evidently not, if you are addressing this comment to me. Perhaps read everything before targeting individuals directly.

Theline · 09/11/2021 09:58

I came on to say YANBU - I never got lifts from parents (Dad and Step-mum. Mum dead) to or from uni and took multiple bags on the train. The only time they came to my uni town was for my graduation. I wouldn't have even considered asking. I thought I was super-independent...The reality was I had no choice - and the option of even going 'home' was taken away in second year as they moved to a house with no bedroom for me - I was told I could visit them for Christmas (4 hrs away) any time apart from 24th-26th (they had plans that excluded me) and stay on the sofa bed in the lounge.

Now I have DC this age I definitely won't be taking this route. Yes, my DC are way more entitled than I was at that age but that's ok. I like that they feel they can ask and most of the time the answer will be yes, and when it is no - that's ok too. I do things for them that they don't really need me to and at other times they make their own way. If your DH want to go and it is feasible I would definitely support this.

Theline · 09/11/2021 10:00

Sorry forgot to add - that whilst thinking about it more (above) I changed my mind to YABU.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 09/11/2021 10:05

Wow, this is why the younger generation are turning into a load of saps. She can get the train, it's a good experience for her. I note you say "she expects", and I expect that's what's rattling you - her entitlement.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 09/11/2021 10:11

My dh would have gone, no question, and I wouldn’t have objected at all, but then our dds didn’t have attitude problems. I might well have felt differently if so.

Looking at it from a practical POV, won’t it possibly make the atmosphere at home more difficult, if either he doesn’t go, or he does go, but she finds out or realises that you actively didn’t want him to?

So for the sake of P and Q….

DottyHarmer · 09/11/2021 10:13

This thread is extraordinary. So many posts sound as if they are written by my fil: “I never had that in my day.” “We never had computers.” “I didn’t get to go to university.” Once I responded, “Did your father take five Saga holidays a year?” He just glared belligerently.

It’s not about the fact that the dd could take the train. Of course a 20-year-old can take a train. It’s about the OP seriously wanting to prevent her Dh from collecting the dd when he is quite willing to go.

And the stuff about being left to hold the fort - piffle! That must happen all the time unless the Dh is the main carer. If the OP doesn’t fancy being left at home then she could go and fetch the dd.

But all in all the OP is very unreasonable. Not for being annoyed with an entitled or rude dd, but for seeking to stop her Dh fetching her, and for entertaining creating more hostility.

I note OP has now “allowed” Dh to do the trip one-way, which is fair. I hope OP finds it in her heart to “love bomb” the dd, even if it’s a huge effort. It sounds as if the dd knows her dm doesn’t much like her.

ThatCampWitch · 09/11/2021 10:29

You are coming across really nastily OP. You need to have a look at yourself before you damage your relationship with your daughter irreparably. Maybe ask yourself why you feel so bitter and resentful about your H doing a nice thing to help her out, and ask yourself why you can’t cope with your other children for 7 hours, because that frankly is laughable.

ancientgran · 09/11/2021 10:29

@MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny

Some of us actually like our children and look forward to seeing them at the end of term and shock horror some of them actually like us

@ancientgran

Did you read what I said about my fabulous, brilliant, funny, delightful 20 yr old son? Evidently not, if you are addressing this comment to me. Perhaps read everything before targeting individuals directly.

Well lets say I like my children enough to be happy to pick them up and enjoy the journey with them. Obviously other people don't.
Kiitos · 09/11/2021 10:33

I was a lot further away than that and mostly I got the train, though sometimes my mum came and picked me up. She would stay in a b&b overnight and really enjoyed the trip. I have a lot of nice memories from the dinners and journeys I had with her.

MrTulkingIsFeelingHorny · 09/11/2021 10:37

Apology accepted, @ancientgran (as I'm assuming that your toned-down vague generalisation is the nearest to an apology that you would be likely to issue. It's fine just to say you were wrong, you know).

tallduckandhandsome · 09/11/2021 10:42

@DottyHarmer

*This thread is extraordinary. So many posts sound as if they are written by my fil: “I never had that in my day.” “We never had computers.” “I didn’t get to go to university’”

Surely it’s just the other side of everyone telling by OP she is ending spiteful/selfish/nasty?

Medievalist · 09/11/2021 10:43

@ancientgran

You didn't walk with your trunk on your back. Honestly you are so entitled.

Excuse me?!!! No - I didn't carry my trunk on my back. My df and I took it to the station and sent it on ahead of me. I then got a train and bus to my hall of residence. Care to explain how that makes me entitled?!Confused

aSofaNearYou · 09/11/2021 10:59

@DottyHarmer

This thread is extraordinary. So many posts sound as if they are written by my fil: “I never had that in my day.” “We never had computers.” “I didn’t get to go to university.” Once I responded, “Did your father take five Saga holidays a year?” He just glared belligerently.

It’s not about the fact that the dd could take the train. Of course a 20-year-old can take a train. It’s about the OP seriously wanting to prevent her Dh from collecting the dd when he is quite willing to go.

And the stuff about being left to hold the fort - piffle! That must happen all the time unless the Dh is the main carer. If the OP doesn’t fancy being left at home then she could go and fetch the dd.

But all in all the OP is very unreasonable. Not for being annoyed with an entitled or rude dd, but for seeking to stop her Dh fetching her, and for entertaining creating more hostility.

I note OP has now “allowed” Dh to do the trip one-way, which is fair. I hope OP finds it in her heart to “love bomb” the dd, even if it’s a huge effort. It sounds as if the dd knows her dm doesn’t much like her.

I really don't understand why people keep saying things like this about the DH.

OP has been very clear about the fact that the main reason she wants her to fend for herself in this instance is because she thinks it is important to her upbringing, so of course she wants DH to not go. As parents they rely on each other to put forward the same message, if he goes then it completely defeats the object of what OP wanted her to learn.

DottyHarmer · 09/11/2021 11:09

Who wants to teach their dc coming home for Christmas a lesson?!

I agree with @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER , that if the Dh has already told the dd he is coming and the OP put her foot down and said no…. Well, that would really help relations moving forward - not.

Fomomofo · 09/11/2021 11:11

I think it's definitely coddling the molly, but each to their own I guess

nickyschof · 09/11/2021 11:11

I wonder if the daughter is actually a SD?

DottyHarmer · 09/11/2021 11:13

@Medievalist - AncientGran was being ironic. Ie, “you didn’t chop down a tree and carve the wood to make your own trunk? You lightweight ! I only had a stick with a bundle tied to the end and I walked 150 miles in a force 10 gale with no shoes and it didn’t do me any harm.”

tallduckandhandsome · 09/11/2021 11:16

@nickyschof

I wonder if the daughter is actually a SD?
Biscuit
frazzledasarock · 09/11/2021 11:18

@nickyschof

I wonder if the daughter is actually a SD?
God what a reach!

Is there not a single parent on here who finds their darling young adult child utterly obnoxious and self centred at times?

I love my DC to bits, but god sometimes it takes an effort to like her. She can be rude and self centred and pretty horrible in the way she speaks to me because she knows everything. She's off to uni next year and I'm definitely not schlepping four hours to go and pick her up during holidays, she can catch the train.

Dh on the other hand has been planning on taking his annual leave to go get her during term breaks... DH is her stepdad, she's my biological child!