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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

600 replies

Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 18:19

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:
Missey85 · 09/11/2021 06:48

What's the problem? Your husbands fine with it meanwhile you just sound mean I bet your a joy to be around

EishetChayil · 09/11/2021 07:02

You sound pretty mean, to be perfectly frank.

Bluntness100 · 09/11/2021 07:03

This is a really horrible thread, it smacks of the op wanting to punish her daughter. Frankly I can understand why her behaviour is bad if her mothers is like this.

Benjispruce5 · 09/11/2021 07:13

Tod don’t sound mean. You sound a bit worn out and sad about your DD’s behaviour. As I said upthread, my DD will be getting the train home, no problem. It’s 7-8 hrs round trip and awfully tiring for us. We explained this when she chose her uni and she accepted it. We take her back at the start and collect in summer as she has all her bedding etc to bring.
I hope your relationship improves, they can be so self centred at times despite your best efforts. Awful to read a thread of women bashing another woman/mother and blaming her for her daughter’s attitude. Flowers

Evesgarden · 09/11/2021 07:16

@Bluntness100

This is a really horrible thread, it smacks of the op wanting to punish her daughter. Frankly I can understand why her behaviour is bad if her mothers is like this.
OR @Bluntness100 just a mother absolutely fed up with her DDs entitled and rude behaviour.

I have been there there. It happens and it passes.

JustDanceAddict · 09/11/2021 07:19

Usually dd gets the train - it’s a 2-hour journey and we pick her up from the station. She uses a big suitcase and then smaller rucksack/tote. Can’t bring too much back. It’s a long way to pick up/take back but dh has done it a couple of times.
Plenty of parents do take theyr dcs to and from uni, but others are expected to do it themselves. I think it depends on a few factors.

JumperandJacket · 09/11/2021 07:32

My first thought on reading the thread was about the dynamic between OP and her partner rather than her DD. It feels odd that he wants to pick DD up and she wants to stop him. Is there generally tension between them in their approach to parenting? Do they score points against each other by siding with a DC against the other parent? No idea if this is the case here obviously but it is a dynamic you see occasionally, and it seems odd that OP and her partner can’t just agree on a united front, whatever that is.It’s not a great idea to use your children as a battleground for fighting with your DP and it’s unsurprising that it leads to DC playing one parent off against the other.

ProcrastinationIsMySuperPower · 09/11/2021 07:35

I'm a bit conflicted on this.
On the one hand, I never got picked up for the holidays by my parents when I was at university; they took me at the start of each year, and picked me up at the end but for Christmas/Easter I got the train. I was about 4.5hrs away from home by car and about 8 by train. Your DD is old enough to navigate the journey alone.
On the other hand, if your DH wants to pick her up, I think YABU to say he can't or shouldn't, it's up to him.

ancientgran · 09/11/2021 07:53

@campion

It's not really about the practicalities of the journey. It's about rudeness, thoughtlessness, entitlement and taking others for granted ie her parents. A bit of that occasionally is one thing; as a regular habit, quite another.

I guess OP would like a bit of a reset on the balance of power.

We don't know why though do we. Her mother admits she doesn't like her, she has 3 younger siblings 2 with special needs, I wonder how much time mum has had for her over the years? It is hard to cut yourself in 4, I know I have 4 as well, and it must be so much harder when you add in special needs but she didn't choose to have 3 younger siblings. Maybe she's had a hard term, maybe she's struggling but why should the OP care? She's got other priorities, thankfully dad is there to pick her up.
ancientgran · 09/11/2021 07:56

@Bluntness100

This is a really horrible thread, it smacks of the op wanting to punish her daughter. Frankly I can understand why her behaviour is bad if her mothers is like this.
Yes it just sounds like spite.
3scape · 09/11/2021 07:56

I'd have been mortified at her age to still be dependent on lifts from others. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. She chose her uni, presumably she realised the details of the journey too?

ThePoisonousMushroom · 09/11/2021 08:04

@3scape

I'd have been mortified at her age to still be dependent on lifts from others. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. She chose her uni, presumably she realised the details of the journey too?
Who has said she’s ‘dependent’ on lifts? Just because she’d rather get a lift home, doesn’t mean she’s incapable of using the train. I’m 38 and sometimes ask DH for a lift somewhere rather than get the bus (we only have one car), that doesn’t mean I’m ‘dependent’ on lifts!
ImInStealthMode · 09/11/2021 08:06

It's not about OP's DH being willing to do it though, it's about the DD expecting her parents to pick her up, when she's actually perfectly capable of making her own way there without impacting on anyone else.

If she was grateful and appreciative it might be a different story from the OP's point of view.

If she's entitled and demanding now then pandering to it won't do anything to improve the situation, and she'll continue to grow into an entitled and spoilt adult.

Maybe a happy compromise would be for her to get 1 or 2 trains and then DH pick her up closer to home? She might even realise the train's not so bad, and learn a bit about compromise along the way.

BashfulClam · 09/11/2021 08:15

If your DH is willing why not. She’ll be safer getting a lift.

gamerchick · 09/11/2021 08:21

Meh I'd compromise. She makes half the journey by train and pick up then. No way I'd do a 7 hour round trip for anything other than an emergency.

JumperandJacket · 09/11/2021 08:23

It's not about OP's DH being willing to do it though, it's about the DD expecting her parents to pick her up, when she's actually perfectly capable of making her own way there without impacting on anyone else.*

To be fair, it seems the reason she expects to be picked up is that her father told her he was going to pick her up.

C8H10N4O2 · 09/11/2021 08:43

@Samedaysame

I would fear for her safety travelling alone. Let DH pick her up please better for her to be safe
Oh for pity's sake.

This is a 20 yr old adult on public transport in day time. Not a five year old trekking the Himalayas to get to school.

Do people just not bother to read OP posts any more or is there a massive comprehension problem?

Intercity225 · 09/11/2021 08:52

It is if OP is expected to look after the 3 kids, two of which have SEN.

I used to pick DS up from uni, a seven hour round trip, leaving DH to look after the other two, so I could have a break for that very reason!

I never get all this about teenagers/young adults learning "life skills". Catching trains is not rocket science! DH was a trainspotter and catching trains round the country from the age of 11 with a friend. DS is just as good as him at catching trains (both commute into Central London), even though I always took DS to and from university at the beginning and end of term?

ImInStealthMode · 09/11/2021 08:54

@JumperandJacket The OP which I'm basing my response on says that she expects a lift, and DH thinks he should. Not that he has offered.

Medievalist · 09/11/2021 09:03

We took ours at the start of uni and picked them up at the end because they had so much stuff to shift on those occasions. In between they got public transport home (bus, 2 trains and a tube). No expectation from them that we would pick them up. One would have been a 7-8 hour round trip by car; the other would have been 6.

Wilkolampshade · 09/11/2021 09:03

I don't think you sound nasty OP. At 20 she's hardly a wide eyed first year student and anyway, I went 300 miles away at 18 and went up on the coach with my trunk sent seperately. Came home for hols on the overnight coach.... ahhh, such memories... Grin I 've been softer on my DD and we drove her to Edi from the South West when she went up but after that she's looked after herself. Got a little car, used shopping trolleys etc. All part of growing up. We' re not alone either. Although most of her peer group arrived with a parent they've always sorted subsequent journeys home themselves.

Intercity225 · 09/11/2021 09:04

Why would she be unsafe on trains??

Although I used to take and pick up DD at the beginning and end of term, she used to come home for a weekend on the train. One time, she was made to feel uncomfortable by the attentions of a male passenger.

Another time, there was a suicide and they closed the line. They told everybody to get off the train about 11 pm at a rural station, which was just a platform in the dark - no station. She had no idea where she was, or how to get to the nearest city - there was no civilisation in sight. Hotels in the city were pretty full anyway. I was just about to drive there to pick her up, at least an hour and a half drive from home; but luckily the last train they were letting through to the next city came along and she got on it. She was then able to get another train from the city to London.

Medievalist · 09/11/2021 09:10

I went 300 miles away at 18 and went up on the coach with my trunk sent seperately.

Only 200 miles for me but I also had my trunk sent on ahead and travelled to uni on my own. The only time my parents ever drove me home was after graduation as they were going that way anyway!

MsAnnFrope · 09/11/2021 09:16

@medievalist I'm so off topic but I love that you had a trunk! I had a huge suitcase that we used to see if I could fit into (I could)

aSofaNearYou · 09/11/2021 09:29

YANBU, I think it's quite ridiculous to drive that far to pick her up and definitely a lesson she needs to learn, by the sound of things.

The only thing that would give me pause this year is wanting to avoid getting Covid on the train, but on balance I'd probably take that risk.