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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want Dh to pick Dd up from uni for the xmas holidays?

600 replies

Thesandwichyears · 08/11/2021 18:19

Slightly heated debate between me and DH. Dd1 (20) expects DH to do a 7 hour round trip to pick her up from university for the holidays.
Dh thinks he should because apparently a small suitcase and a rucksack(not that she will want use one, too uncool) is not sufficient and she doesn't have a large case.

I feel it time she grew up, its 3 trains, I’ve done it, its fine and we will pay for the train.
Also, her attitude stinks quite frankly, she is pretty mean to me and others, Im not inclined to keep pandering to her. (Our fault, I know)

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen so feel its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

Thoughts please?

OP posts:
sqirrelfriends · 09/11/2021 16:17

Going against the grain here but I think they're both being ridiculous and she should get the train.

Shes an adult and the roads are likely to be really busy.

peaceanddove · 09/11/2021 16:19

Our DD is only 2 hours away by direct train. However if she was juggling lots of bags we would collect her if she was only 20 minutes or 6 hours away. Why on Earth would you want to let your child struggle?

We're going down to collect DD next month and we're making a nice day out of it. Take her out for lunch, a quick tour round the Xmas markets, then help her load up the car and head home. Really looking forward to it Smile

peaceanddove · 09/11/2021 16:29

Just musing here. Our DD has always felt very loved and valued, and knows we're really looking forward to her coming home where she is always incredibly welcome. Perhaps this is why she's a genuinely nice young woman who is a pleasure to be around? And why we're more than happy to travel whatever the distance if it helps her out?

OP You don't sound like you even particularly like your DD. I expect your DD knows this. And your DH (which is why he wants to collect her from university as an antidote to your coldness and meaness).

DottyHarmer · 09/11/2021 16:33

clearly the dh doesn't think this dd is so hideously awful...

It is one thing to think that she's been so horrid she doesn't deserve a lift, and quite another to withdraw the lift in practice. We all know that anyone over a certain age can travel round on public transport. But we all know that lugging heavy cases is a pain and a lift is much nicer!

Also mentioning being left alone for seven hours Confused . That comment just sounds weird. Additional needs is a red herring: surely the OP spends time with them normally, and wouldn't you want your dh and eldest to have a bit of "just us" time? Bil used to go to a sporting event with dn on a regular basis. Dsis really kicked off about it as she didn't want to go but didn't want to be left behind either... Basically she was jealous of the time they spent together.

peaceanddove · 09/11/2021 16:37

Agree.

Also, I would fully expect our DD to expect us to collect her (if that makes sense?). I wouldn't see it as rude or entitled, at all. She would expect it because she knows that, if at all feasible, we would always do our best to help her out.

I had the same relationship with my parents and it always gave me a lovely sense of security.

Anonymous48 · 09/11/2021 16:37

@peaceanddove

Just musing here. Our DD has always felt very loved and valued, and knows we're really looking forward to her coming home where she is always incredibly welcome. Perhaps this is why she's a genuinely nice young woman who is a pleasure to be around? And why we're more than happy to travel whatever the distance if it helps her out?

OP You don't sound like you even particularly like your DD. I expect your DD knows this. And your DH (which is why he wants to collect her from university as an antidote to your coldness and meaness).

You're absolutely right. And in fact the OP already admitted that she doesn't like her daughter. I think it's incredibly sad and it's no wonder she's acting out.
aSofaNearYou · 09/11/2021 16:41

It isnt the normal language used when referring to your DC and the OP stating him picking her up isnt fair as she is being left with the DC is odd. Stating she needs to grow up and get a train as that is what she did is odd too. Its like referring to someone elses DC and not your own.

By whose standards, though? My mum has spoken like this about my DSis, who she loves dearly, many times when frustrated by her more spoilt and entitled behaviour. And she (my sister) isn't even rude! It sounds like the DD in this case is pretty unpleasant to her mum and the rest of the family, I don't find any of OPs language shocking given that.

Hanab · 09/11/2021 16:48

You sound like my husband .. I would do it in a heartbeat.. however ai do get that she is a bit not so nice .. but maybe he can use this opportunity to ask her to stop .. you know during chit chat

ChalfontPark · 09/11/2021 16:59

I would want to pick mine up, to see her flat and her room, have lunch at her favourite cafe and give her a big hug!

PinkKecks · 09/11/2021 17:00

I used to get the train and agree it is part of growingup, but... maybe your DC and DH have more concerns around covid and people not using masks than they do about the logistics of train travel?

Benjispruce5 · 09/11/2021 17:22

Covid on a train is not a concern for students living in house shares, house partying, clubbing etc

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 09/11/2021 17:38

We also have 3 dcs younger than her, 2 with sen its really not fair on me to have ti hold the fort solo for this reason.

On the other hand it's not really fair that your DD has to miss out because she has 3 younger sibs, 2 with SEN. Maybe she wants to spend the time with her Dad and maybe he (not her!) needs to make it more fair by giving you a break some other time.

There's a big difference between "sorry I can't spare your dad because I don't have the energy to care for the kids all day without him" and "time for her to grow up". Those are two different things and if you keep mixing them up then she's only going to get meaner.

theremustonlybeone · 09/11/2021 17:41

aSofaNearYou my DH uses language i found shocking when referring to my eldest DS, using language you would use when referring to a shitty mate or someone you dont like. The OP tone here is all about the DC being rude and shitty, she needs to grow up, and sense of unfairness... all the same blurb i had with my eldest who isnt my DH. So it isnt a 'standard' it is my experience. Because my DH was like that I was over protective of my eldest and if he asked I would have picked him and I assure you my DH would have told me I am spoiling him.

I may not be articulating what I mean here as it is difficult on a keyboard.

Intercity225 · 09/11/2021 17:46

Travelling by car you could be in an accident. Stuff happens, occasionally, whatever you do. Travelling by train is NOT fundamentally dangerous. And certainly a daytime trip (as opposed to a 3am one) is highly unlikely to lead to an significant problems.

I never said it was - a pp asked what can go wrong on a train, and I gave a couple of examples. However, DH and I have been commuting for 35 years plus and here are a few examples of what goes wrong regularly (according to the time of year)

  1. Leaves on the line
  2. Wrong kind of snow
  3. Tree has fallen down and pulled the electric cables with it
  4. Lorry has hit the railway bridge and they have to close the line to check its safe
  5. Suicide
  6. Signalling problems

Any of those, and we could get to the station in the evening to find all trains on our line cancelled and they tell us to find any way home we can.....Which means catching another line altogether, standing packed in like sardines, on a train which was already crowded before our train load of people got on it; and hoping the train company puts on buses from a town on that line to our home town....

Travelling in a car is infinitely more reliable than a train on our line!

Anybody who can ask what can go wrong on a train

frazzledasarock · 09/11/2021 17:55

Blimey some posters will do anything to kick an OP.

The DD won’t miss out on anything if she took the train down to her parents house.

The OP doesn’t sound like she dislikes her daughter she sounds like any parent of a young stroppy adult.

I love the post suggesting that DD is being rude and stroppy because she thinks her parents won’t go pick her up. I have a very close loving relationship with my late teen, but she can be pretty rude at times and only to me. Because she knows I’m someone who will always be there no matter how bratty she is. She’s also aware that her actions will carry consequences.

I’d be thoroughly annoyed if I were left alone for a couple of days to fend for myself with two children with additional needs whilst sorting out Christmas prep.
I’ve got two younger NT DC and need DH around to do his share otherwise I’m on my knees with exhaustion.

But then DH doesn’t pander to our DC if they’re being horrible leaving me to be the bad cop to his good cop. It’s not conducive to a happy household.

aSofaNearYou · 09/11/2021 17:57

@theremustonlybeone

aSofaNearYou my DH uses language i found shocking when referring to my eldest DS, using language you would use when referring to a shitty mate or someone you dont like. The OP tone here is all about the DC being rude and shitty, she needs to grow up, and sense of unfairness... all the same blurb i had with my eldest who isnt my DH. So it isnt a 'standard' it is my experience. Because my DH was like that I was over protective of my eldest and if he asked I would have picked him and I assure you my DH would have told me I am spoiling him.

I may not be articulating what I mean here as it is difficult on a keyboard.

With respect, you are projecting here.

Saying she is mean to her family and could do with growing up a bit is not shocking language. Your DH may have said worse things than that but OP has not.

As for the unfairness, I found it quite clear that what OP meant was helping with three younger SEN children seems a more worthy use of DHs time than helping one ungrateful adult child with something they shouldn't actually need help with. It's not an illogical train of thought.

Fogormist · 09/11/2021 18:28

There's a climate emergency, and driving is a big part of that. A 7 hour drive when DD could get a train?!

Tulipomania · 09/11/2021 18:35

Completely agree with Fogormist.

Anonymous48 · 09/11/2021 18:56

@frazzledasarock

The OP doesn’t sound like she dislikes her daughter

The OP doesn't only sound like she dislikes her daughter, she actually said on this thread that she doesn't like her! I can't imagine ever feeling that way about one of my children!

tallduckandhandsome · 09/11/2021 19:01

@Anonymous48

OP said ‘I love her but right now I don’t like her very much Sad’.

If you can’t see the difference between that and what you said ‘she dislikes her daughter’ - then Lord help you.

Anonymous48 · 09/11/2021 19:07

[quote tallduckandhandsome]@Anonymous48

OP said ‘I love her but right now I don’t like her very much Sad’.

If you can’t see the difference between that and what you said ‘she dislikes her daughter’ - then Lord help you.[/quote]
And she also said to another poster who commented that it sounded like she didn't like her "I don’t right now". So I stand by my statement that the OP has stated she doesn't like her daughter.

Hmmmm2018 · 09/11/2021 19:52

My parents had no car so I always had to haul everything home from university, was always envious of those with parents who could collect them, especially the day I had to take a year's worth of belongings on 4 different trains and a bus!

irregularegular · 09/11/2021 20:28

Travelling in a car is infinitely more reliable than a train on our line!

More reliable, maybe. More dangerous, no. The questions about what could go wrong was in response to comments that going on a train was too dangerous and the daughter should be picked up for safety.

beautifullymad · 09/11/2021 20:37

@ThePoisonousMushroom

My stepdad came to get me for the Christmas holidays in my first year, he’s dead now and I remember that long trip fondly as we got to chat in a way we didn’t usually have time for! If he’s happy to get her then let him get her. You’ll only be ‘holding the fort’ for a day.
I agree.
tttigress · 09/11/2021 20:39

"only" 3 trains!

I think he should pick her up.