Would you let a 12 year old have their nose pierced?

[SpongebobNoPants]

Just that really.
We’re being harassed and being subjected to awful tantrums and rudeness because DP has said no, it’s not happening.

My dd20 had hers done at 16 when she could go with her friend and not need parental permission at a reputable studio. She had her first tattoo there at 18 too.

Not my vibe, but her body, her choice... when she was old enough to make those choices.

I let my DD at 14, nearly 15. Had it done right at the beginning of the summer so it had time to heal before returning to school in September, as she had to wear a clear retainer bar at school.
She's 17 now and had quite a few piercings but then it's difficult to refuse when I have them myself. It's her body after all.
I do think 12 is too young, though.

No. Earlobes only until old enough to consent for herself.

And just like with toddlers, never give in to a tantrum

@SpongebobNoPants being over sexualised pre puberty, if this has been going on since age 9, is a massive red flag for child sexual abuse. Has her dad talked to the safeguarding lead at school? This and tantrums and rudeness from a child not yet in their teens sounds like an abused child tbh.

Is her older sister responsible? Do they get on well? Just wondering whether it would be worth her having a word with her. Often older siblings, even ones that have pushed boundaries themselves when younger, will be quite protective of their younger siblings. Maybe she’d listen to her.

Her mum was willing to give consent.

Do you think this should have been discussed with DP beforehand? He only found out by chance that her mum was planning to take her, otherwise she’d have ended up having it done even though it’s against dad’s wishes.

Posted too soon.

Maybe she’d listen to her about waiting till she’s older to wear certain clothes, make up etc.

No. Not until she's 16, 12 is far too young for lots of reasons.

Im 42, got mine done start of May. Had a few complications with getting it healed, snagged it very badly a couple of times early on....hurt soooo much more than the piercing itself. Still haven't attempted to change the jewellery. It's been more of a commitment than I anticipated and I'm very conscious of it being a facial piercing when it comes to aftercare.

She doesn't sound anywhere near mature enough to have it done.

God no. And as a Tattooist and body piercer I would turn her away until she is 16. So there you go, blame the piercer.

I wouldn't listen to tantrums but I would probably let her when behaviour improves. Alternatively I'd buy her a load of fakes to wear and try to sell the appeal of being able to change jewellery quickly and not needing to wait for it to heal.

My parents were strict on body mods and said no to everything except ear lobes. So I went behind their backs and got all kinds of piercings and tattoos and just hid them.

@DeepaBeesKit

Cripes at 12? No way.

Honestly I dont care if I'm laughed at for my choice of words but a 12 year old with a pierced nose would look plain old tarty to me.

That says more about you than a 12 year old child.

Clear cut no. Absolutely not.

But, I agree, she should wait until she’s older.

I would consider letting a mature and sensible 12/13 year old have their nose pierced as long as it was during the summer holidays so it could be replaced by a clear retainer for school starting.

I wouldn’t be giving a stroppy tantrum throwing 12 year old so much as a happy meal. At that age she should know better and she’s showed that she’s not mature enough to make a big decision like this.

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme thank you for your concern and it is something I’ve brought to DP’s attention before.

To be clear, when I say over sexualised I mean

• dressing in a deliberately provocative way, knowing that is what she is doing and actively choosing to look “sexy” (sorry, I know it’s foul but I have no way of describing it other than that. I know kids can’t be sexy… but the same outfit on an adult would be considered as such)

• same with make up as above.

• dancing provocatively. I know kids copy music videos etc but it’s a bit much at times.

• the way she talks about boys, even from a young age she’s always been very interested in having a boyfriend and talking about who she likes / doesn’t like at school or on tv. I mean from 7/8 years old onwards.

• I’ll get flamed for this I’m sure… mum is very very over sexualised in the way she dresses and acts, so I think it’s more learnt behaviour and emulation rather than as the result of abuse. This also makes it very difficult for DP to tackle because the kids say “well this is mum’s top / lipstick / shoes / shorts” and there’s no easy way to get around that without causing offence.

However having read the full thread it sounds like there’s bigger issues. The child’s parents are not on the same wave length and she is allowed to dress inappropriately. Her mother also initially said she could do it then her father said no and the mother changed her mind. It just all sounds a bit messy really.

No & neither will school

@Kanaloa yes this is just another small thing in a mountain of other issues.

Yeah if I was you I’d try to look at it as an overall parenting and communication issue. The nose piercing really seems like the very tip of the iceberg to be honest.

No of course not. She is 12

@SpongebobNoPants I hope its just a little girl wanting to be like mummy and nothing more sinister. It all sounds very messy and inconsistent because her parents are clearly not a united front, so not really having the certainty of solid, consistent, loving boundaries and therefore not knowing quite wear she stands could be the reason for the tantrums, rudeness and general boundary pushing.

I'm glad you have your eye on it anyway. The nose piercing, is really just a minor symptom of a little girl trying to find out where her parents' boundaries are and crying out for some consistency.

Tbh her dad's very hard line authoritarian "no because I don't like how it looks, and thats a no even to clip on jewellery, end of discussion" and her mum's weak, laissez-faire giving in to absolutely anything for an easy life are both not ideal. They could really do with a bit of a crisis meeting to agree a middle way to parent their 12 year old as a united front before things get any worse.

*where not wear

I had mine pierced at 19 and really regret it - it's left a scar! It was also a horrible healing process.

The mum needs to parent her daughter, sounds like it’s anything for a quiet life though.

Not your problem though, you can only support your dp as he’s right to object.

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme DP is trying to give consistent boundaries but the problem is her mum will agree with him, then do the total opposite.
She even admits she gives them whatever they want “for an easy life” which ironically is giving her the exact opposite because the constant boundary pushing is being rewarded, therefore they know the boundaries mean nothing.

DP won’t just roll over and agree because he thinks her parenting style is problematic and he’s trying his best to instil his values.

I don’t think they will ever agree so the best we can hope for is that they understand certain behaviours are not acceptable in this home. DP makes them use manners and they have curfews for example (not as much for the 16yo obviously) but he genuinely seems to be concerned about their safety.

Mum is very much more laissez faire which is causing problems because the girls now clearly prefer to be at mum’s where “anything goes”, rather than with dad who wants to know where and who they’re with, or insisting that 12yo isn’t going out in summer clothing in November.

DP is by no means strict, in my opinion these are the basics of parenting.