Would you let a 12 year old have their nose pierced?

[SpongebobNoPants]

Just that really.
We’re being harassed and being subjected to awful tantrums and rudeness because DP has said no, it’s not happening.

Haven't read the other comments but 12 really is too young. Also I'm surprised her school would allow it.

When I was around 18 I was really tempted to have my nose pierced until a friend told me not too. She'd had hers done and as a result now had a hole in her nose that wouldn't go away.

Why not just buy her a fake one from Amazon?

[quote KurtWilde]**@BowledOverly* oh the horror. It's a piercing. Not a swastika tattoo. And anyone who sees a belly button piercing on a 12yo girl as sexual, well the problem is with THEM* not the girl, her parent, or the piercing. [/quote]
I wasn’t seeing it as sexual. I was seeing it as putting an unnecessary larger than an ear piercing hole through their stomach area which will grow and expand through puberty and ultimately leave a scar or if they’re lucky just a hole. Depending on how long it’s in or how deep their piercing is it likely won’t ever disappear. But 12yo fashion wishes overrides this to some parents.

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@Rachie1973 no I don’t think we’re out of touch at all. She looks like a very young child and acts like one also, but consistently dresses quite inappropriately for her age which is exacerbated by the fact she looks even younger.[/quote]
Why are you allowing this to happen ? She is your child, she does what she's told at the end of the day.

No it would not have been allowed here
I wouldnt have given in to rudeness and tantrums either

Not 12 - it's young to be looking after it carefully/not ripping it out on jumpers (I speak from painful experience - I got mine done at 15 without telling my mum and had to wear a stupid piece of plaster over my nose for a whole school year.)

It's a cartilage piercing, there are more risks than something going just through flesh (like a lobe or bellybutton). Noses tend to heal easily and quickly but they're also far too easy to catch or mess with and I wouldn't expect a 12 year old to remember not to fiddle with it with dirty hands etc.

Haven't rft but no and double no if any tantrums etc result from no.

This also makes it very difficult for DP to tackle because the kids say “well this is mum’s top / lipstick / shoes / shorts” and there’s no easy way to get around that without causing offence.

How is that hard to explain?

"Mums an adult and can dress and wear make up as she chooses, she also has the capability to deal with the response. You are a child you don't get to choose without any limitations"

Where is the parenting here?!

The mum needs to grow the fuck up herself and take an authoritative stance and actually PARENT her kids, the dad seems to be doing some parenting but dodging some elements due to "awkwardness"

These kids are being let down

Like hell would my dd have got away with such behaviour!

She would have known better than to ask for such a thing at that age in the 1st place and if she had and been told no, she certainly would have known better than to harass and tantrum about it because if she had she'd have been grounded!

You're absolutely right op that being soft as a parent doesn't actually create the "easy life" that parent is aiming for

not as much for the 16yo obviously. Why obviously ? A later curfew but they're still a child

Yes I would
It's their face

12???

I'm as relaxed as they come when it comes to personal style/self-expression but no fucking way would my 12 year old be getting her nose pierced.

@DaphneDeloresMoorhead please read the thread. She is not my child.

@Graphista it’s hard to explain without causing offence because it’s their mum who is buying their clothes, dresses similarly and thinks it’s fine.
When DP says “I want you to get changed” and they naturally tackle it with “why?”, the honest answer is that they’re dressed really sexually.
“But mum bought us this, what’s wrong with it”

And so on. That’s what makes it difficult.

not as much for the 16yo obviously
Why obviously ? A later curfew but they're still a child

Obviously because she’s at college, works etc and we don’t monitor exactly who she’s with 24/7 because she’s old enough to have more trust and freedom. She also doesn’t have a strict curfew, it’s fluid and depends on what the situation is. She’s also allowed more freedom to decide if she’s staying out at friends houses etc.

I don’t feel comfortable with dads reasoning . You are saying he doesn’t like the ‘ image’ and I read some posts where you mention her acting older and being over sexualised in how she dresses and acts. However I don’t see how a nose piercing is the same , I know many Asian girls who get it done and they look very presentable and nice . Not trashy or sexualised in any way. Maybe dad needs to change his perspective.

I understand YOU are in a difficult position but I disagree that HE is.

He is dad and has as much say on how they are dressed as mum does. Certainly when they are at his he is within his rights to say how he expects them to dress and behave.

My ex and I didn't have this particular issue we're generally similar parenting wise but on a few issues we differed and I backed him up and he backed me up. Dd was perfectly capable of understanding there were different rules at the different houses

Eg she had an earlier "bedtime" at his for a number of reasons. She wasn't expected to go to sleep earlier but to give him and stepmum
more time of an evening child free which as they have a brood I totally understood. Different houses different rules. Your stepdaughter is old enough to understand that

But I get that his ex does sound awkward (and irresponsible frankly!) but we're also not getting her side.

But I have come across the type before.

The type that will say they and their child are "best friends"

Dd and I are friendly don't get me wrong we have a lovely close relationship, same sense of humour and some likes in common, but I am NOT her friend.

I'm the one she comes to when she needs a sense check, or a kick up the behind, or reassurance that actually she CAN achieve what she wants to but I'm not the one she gossips to or discusses what a crazy night out she had etc that's for friends.

Too many parents now want to be friends with their kids, too few actually parent.

Re 16 year old ok so it's not that there aren't boundaries in place for her at all it's that they're adjusted for her age and stage - that makes sense

I EXPLAINED to her why I had certain rules

She had strict rules but she knew the reasons behind them

I also enforced those rules/boundaries there was no wheedling out of things or throwing a tantrum and me giving in that NEVER happened.

I never said a no unless I absolutely meant it and once said it was NEVER changed.

@Graphista I’m not sure what you’re point is? I haven’t said my DP doesn’t tackle how they dress or behave, in fact several times I have said that he does and continually speaks to their mum about his concerns.
Of course it’s awkward for him, there’s no nice way of saying to 2 non-resident teenage girls that dressing the way their mum allows them to is inappropriate or trashy. Surely you understand the sensitivities involved here?
It doesn’t mean he doesn’t parent them but we I’ve said upthread, due to their mum’s “anything goes” parenting style my DP risks alienating them by being too strict.
The girls are already showing a preference for being at their mum’s at weekends because they can do whatever they wish with very little monitoring.

@Motherofking wearing a nose ring for religious or cultural reasons is quite obviously not the same as wearing one for “fashion”.
Trust me, on this particular 12yo child in the context of everything else, will look trashy.

@DeepaBeesKit

Cripes at 12? No way.

Honestly I dont care if I'm laughed at for my choice of words but a 12 year old with a pierced nose would look plain old tarty to me.

Not laughing at you but that you think a nose piercing would make a 12 year old look like a sex worker. What do nose piercings have to do with sex work? Why would you consider a child in that context? Just Bizarre

You had to be 14 in the piercer that we knew was good, but from 13 1/5 he'd do it with a parent present, so I went with my DDs. Nose/Tongue and later nipples were done. Only one of my DDs still has her nipples done. I wouldn't have allowed them at 12, there's no harm in waiting.
It's a tough situation because you should be counteracting the over sexualisation, but she will just see you as stuffy and rebel against you and your DP. I think getting as many messages about respect, boundaries, positive relationships, what coersion is and feminism to her, is the way to go.

Nope. Too young. I love that our school had a strict policy on piercings, makeup, hair colour etc otherwise DD would be wanting to get the new next thing done all the time. Once she’s 16 that’s different

@Ponoka7

You had to be 14 in the piercer that we knew was good, but from 13 1/5 he'd do it with a parent present, so I went with my DDs. Nose/Tongue and later nipples were done. Only one of my DDs still has her nipples done. I wouldn't have allowed them at 12, there's no harm in waiting. It's a tough situation because you should be counteracting the over sexualisation, but she will just see you as stuffy and rebel against you and your DP. I think getting as many messages about respect, boundaries, positive relationships, what coersion is and feminism to her, is the way to go.

A nipple? At 13?!

No because it wouldn’t be allowed in school.

No and school will make her take it out so wait until beginning of summer hols if she must but I think 12 is too young

Yes, I allowed my daughter to have her pierced, I had mine done and she knows this, so I said yes, think it lasted 2 months, now she doesn’t bother with it, hole has closed,and it’s been forgotten about, same as her belly bar.

Sorry I misread the age, very tired, my daughter was 15, at 12 no way!