Husband thinks I should get up earlier!

[AandWsMum]

I am currently on maternity leave for DC2 who is 14 weeks old and EBF. We also have a DS who is three and goes to nursery two days a week, and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again with DC3, much to my surprise.

My husband works long-ish hours, leaving the house at 8am and getting home about 8pm. He gets up with DS about 5.45am. His job isn’t manual but involves a lot of travelling. In the morning he takes the dog for a walk, does breakfast for DS and gets ready.

I get up about 7am, but have normally been awake for longer feeding baby. He thinks I should get up earlier because he says he finds leaving in the morning stressful if I’m still getting ready, but usually everything is under control. He is never annoyed or moaning he just says it would

Apart from taking out the bins and gardening, I do literally everything else most of the time with him pitching in when he can - the shopping, cooking, cleaning, bath time, bedtime, taking kids to parties, organising bills, school run etc are all my responsibility. So if he’s about at bath time, he will do it while I clear up from dinner as an example but it’s not a given.

He struggles with being woken in the night so atm sleeps in the spare room while feed baby (I don’t mind tbh at least I get more space) but it also means I deal with the 3 y/o if he wakes up at any point too.

I go to bed around 11pm and feed baby usually from 1-2 and then again 3.30-5 ish.

I don’t mind doing everything I do and appreciate that the main reason he doesn’t is because he just not here, but I am also EXHAUSTED.

AIBU to stand my ground and stay in bed til 7am and leave him to do the early mornings?

I don’t think getting up a half hour earlier is too much for him to ask. Especially if you are regularly blow drying/finishing up your shower while he is anxiously wanting to get out the house to not be late for his 8am start.

You do go to bed pretty late at 11pm. I don’t see why you could not go to bed at 10:30pm and get up at 6:30am. He’s not asking you to miss out on sleep or rest.

@Alicesweewonders

I question whether he really needs to work until 8pm.

A man I used to work for did this & openly joked it was to avoid sorting out the kids of the evening.

Your DP is own boss, he has the control.

He’s an architect and so I presume working until 8pm isn’t all shits and giggles and gym visits after 5 like it is some management jobs & considering he’s the one with the toddler for 2-3 hours every single morning including weekends I don’t think he is avoiding anything at all.

@PlanDeRaccordement

I don’t think getting up a half hour earlier is too much for him to ask. Especially if you are regularly blow drying/finishing up your shower while he is anxiously wanting to get out the house to not be late for his 8am start.

You do go to bed pretty late at 11pm. I don’t see why you could not go to bed at 10:30pm and get up at 6:30am. He’s not asking you to miss out on sleep or rest.

Exactly

@Justilou1

God men can be so self-inulgent and self-important. Absolutely unable to see past their own noses and able to empathise. Yes, he's tired and he works. You have not yet recovered from your last baby and you're growing another one. Your body is literally sacrificing nutrients in favour of two other babies right now. He needs to really understand what is happening biologically and psychologically right now.

OP chose to have a baby within 14 weeks of giving birth to her second. This is something they either planned or failed to plan for & if she can’t manage to wake up before 7 with 2 kids how will she manage it with 3 next year?

@Ozanj
The sperm guy will have to do his share. Penis or no penis.

Fuuck - nobody chooses to have a baby within three months of having the last one. Sometimes contraception fails. Sometimes people miss the early signs of pregnancy - especially when they're breastfeeding and even if they don't want to continue with the pregnancy, it's too late. Sometimes they may not wish to continue with the pregnancy, but their partner does - they have to make the choice to continue with an unwanted pregnancy or break up their family. There are sooooo many, many more reasons.... I could go on. It's not always a "choice" as simple as "I want a hamburger for lunch."

OP chose to have a baby within 14 weeks of giving birth to her second

No she chose or agreed to have sex and had a contraceptive failure. Loving the way the responsibility for contraception and its failings is once again the woman's, with DH who doesn't like mornings apparently absolved from responsibility.

Quite frankly, you are perfectly entitled to your opinions as to whether I should be pregnant again or not, but I didn’t ask for them, only about the sleep thing in the context of childcare, pregnancy etc.

If you must know, I was on the waiting list for a coil fitting but they couldn’t give me an appointment until January at the earliest. We didn’t stress too much as it took me dropping breastfeeding completely when DS was 20 months to get pregnant again and never used contraception in that time period. It didn’t work out like that but there you go.

I accept it’s not the ideal scenario but we don’t even know that this pregnancy will work out yet, although I hope it will. Considering our significant losses it didn’t feel right to not try and continue with this pregnancy, regardless of timing.

The poisonous narrative that a woman is irresponsible or somehow negligent by not getting pregnant on purpose is one I will never understand.

And we’ve had sex probably four times since baby was born so forgive me for being surprised about being pregnant again so quickly 😂

Not getting pregnant on purpose -

I mean getting pregnant by accident

Omg a 3 year old, 14 week old and pregnant and sounds like you do everything at home… how on Earth do you function?!

Only having sex 4 times doesn’t mean you’re less likely to conceive. One egg and one sperm. That’s all it takes! And breastfeeding does not guarantee you won’t get pregnant - it’s such a myth- but you already know that now. And yes not the point of the thread. I think people are just concerned that you’ll end up in this situation again, with another baby in the mix if you don’t acknowledge your mistakes in this regard. It’s not insensitive to point that out in light of your losses, I can understand that a baby can feel like a blessing in those circumstances.

The pregnancy comments really aren't necessary.

OP Do you have any friends that you see?

I have to wonder if the weekend activities are things YOU actually want to do every weekend?
Maybe you are the type of person that wants to be on the go a lot.

With 2 LO and one on the way, I'd be concerned about health.
You aren't a machine that can go endlessly.

I don't think you getting up earlier is the answer.

Have you asked DH if he could leave later or come home earlier a couple of days a week?

If he is unwilling to do that, I'd say a nanny and a housekeeper would be a better answer. You'd have some time for yourself by hire out a lot of the household chores. Maybe a night nurse for when the new LO arrives.

@Coronawireless

And of course your dog needs to be walked and your DH is right to do that with DS.

Of course the dog needs to be walked at some point, but not necessarily at 6am with a toddler in tow.

It seems like they've created a routine where the dog now expects to go out at that time, which is utter madness imo. No dog needs to be walked at 6am when there's someone home with him/her all day long.

The toddler might like the time with his dad but it's creating an unnecessary extra workload for the DH.

@AandWsMum

But obviously sometimes I’m still drying my hair etc when he’s leaving because I’ve had to stop and deal with baby again/help them with something. Usually baby goes in his cot for a few minutes and toddler comes and sits with me but can cry when his dad is leaving

Is what's needed, then, a distraction for DS at that point? Favourite song to dance to, audio book, small amount of Cbeebies?

After so many pages, you still haven't explained what it is that bothers your DH, about you not being perfectly ready for the day, at the point he leaves the house.

Does he think the children are unsupervised and in danger?

Or is he just trying to micromanage you?

He says it’s just the fact that I’m not 100% supervising the kids and he feels like he’s a bit rushed, especially if DS has been slow having breakfast. He doesn’t like the idea that the toddler is upset while he’s leaving but that happens most of the time anyway. And yeah the travelling stresses him out so he’s angst if he even is close to time and I’m not ready or it’s cold and he’s got to defrost the car etc.

Sounds a bit like he's conflating two things; him not being ready in time (hasn't allowed time to defrost car) and you not being 'ready' in time, which only matters in as far as the DC are adequately supervised.

But because you're there, drying your hair, it's very easy to pin the responsibility for it all on you.

He needs to allow himself as much time as he needs and just do that, without fretting (or ideally noticing) what anyone else (who he isn't responsible for supervising) is doing.

Sounds like someone getting stressy and snappy. Many of us have done it! It's not great behaviour though.

I completely understand about the different value of sleeping until 7am, versus going to bed an hour earlier and getting up at 6am btw. We all have our own diurnal rhythms. Everyone gains a lot from being able to sleep until our natural waking time.

You should go to bed much earlier anyway though. Stop worrying about making, or at least sitting down and eating, a 'second dinner for grown-ups'. Eat earlier with the DC, have something ready or available for DH to eat. You can be getting on with other stuff and still chatting, if you like, while he eats.

@AandWsMum

He says it’s just the fact that I’m not 100% supervising the kids and he feels like he’s a bit rushed, especially if DS has been slow having breakfast. He doesn’t like the idea that the toddler is upset while he’s leaving but that happens most of the time anyway. And yeah the travelling stresses him out so he’s angst if he even is close to time and I’m not ready or it’s cold and he’s got to defrost the car etc.

He feels he's a bit rushed - but that's life with children, no?

Have you pointed out to him he is still getting more sleep than you are, and that your time in bed in the morning is to make up for doing all of the night wakings so that he can sleep undisturbed?

How about getting some help in the mornings, with a nanny? Or a dog walker.

@Bagelsandbrie

Only having sex 4 times doesn’t mean you’re less likely to conceive. One egg and one sperm. That’s all it takes! And breastfeeding does not guarantee you won’t get pregnant - it’s such a myth- but you already know that now. And yes not the point of the thread. I think people are just concerned that you’ll end up in this situation again, with another baby in the mix if you don’t acknowledge your mistakes in this regard. It’s not insensitive to point that out in light of your losses, I can understand that a baby can feel like a blessing in those circumstances.

As you say in your own post before banging on about it "and yes not the point of the thread."

The point is that DH doesn't do nightfeeds, gets more sleep than the OP, does sod all by way of home responsibilities and is still getting a litany of "more little man" because he feels rushed in the morning when he does his "shift" of parenting.

Feeling rushed in the morning is life with kids.

And yeah the travelling stresses him out so he’s angst if he even is close to time and I’m not ready or it’s cold and he’s got to defrost the car etc.

The simple solution to this would be to free up the 20 or so minutes he spends walking the dog (plus the time he spends getting the 3yo dressed), surely?

The dog can go to the toilet in the garden and you can walk him mid-morning instead, or you could hire a dog walker to help out.

It makes no sense to me that he spends probably close to 30+ minutes of his morning faffing about walking the dog when it's really not necessary for the dog to be walked at 6am at all.

And yeah the travelling stresses him out so he’s angst if he even is close to time and I’m not ready or it’s cold and he’s got to defrost the car etc.

The simple solution to this would be to free up the 20 or so minutes he spends walking the dog (plus the time he spends getting the 3yo dressed), surely?

The dog can go to the toilet in the garden and you can walk him mid-morning instead, or you could hire a dog walker to help out.

It makes no sense to me that he spends probably close to 30+ minutes of his morning faffing about walking the dog when it's really not necessary for the dog to be walked at 6am at all.

What I really wonder, is what happens when you put your foot down about how something is going to be done, in a way that works better for the household but is not his preference.

So, you're going to eat with the DC rather than with him. You're going to buy and use a microwave, because it will make your life easier. You're going to batch cook and heat up dinner for him, rather than cook fresh specifically for him every day. You're going to express milk / use formula for one feed and ask him to give a bottle before going to bed.

Are you 'allowed' to make decisions like those? Household decisions, that ought to be within the remit of the person who runs the household?