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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband thinks I should get up earlier!

316 replies

AandWsMum · 06/11/2021 23:35

I am currently on maternity leave for DC2 who is 14 weeks old and EBF. We also have a DS who is three and goes to nursery two days a week, and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again with DC3, much to my surprise.

My husband works long-ish hours, leaving the house at 8am and getting home about 8pm. He gets up with DS about 5.45am. His job isn’t manual but involves a lot of travelling. In the morning he takes the dog for a walk, does breakfast for DS and gets ready.

I get up about 7am, but have normally been awake for longer feeding baby. He thinks I should get up earlier because he says he finds leaving in the morning stressful if I’m still getting ready, but usually everything is under control. He is never annoyed or moaning he just says it would

Apart from taking out the bins and gardening, I do literally everything else most of the time with him pitching in when he can - the shopping, cooking, cleaning, bath time, bedtime, taking kids to parties, organising bills, school run etc are all my responsibility. So if he’s about at bath time, he will do it while I clear up from dinner as an example but it’s not a given.

He struggles with being woken in the night so atm sleeps in the spare room while feed baby (I don’t mind tbh at least I get more space) but it also means I deal with the 3 y/o if he wakes up at any point too.

I go to bed around 11pm and feed baby usually from 1-2 and then again 3.30-5 ish.

I don’t mind doing everything I do and appreciate that the main reason he doesn’t is because he just not here, but I am also EXHAUSTED.

AIBU to stand my ground and stay in bed til 7am and leave him to do the early mornings?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 08/11/2021 16:10

The simple solution would be to microwave the porridge!

If he needs to leave earlier, he should do that.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/11/2021 16:12

Leave earlier that is.

And not worry about what state anyone else is in when he does. You can still sleep to 6.30am (and got to bed earlier)..

The dog thing isn't an issue, as it occupies time when the DH and DS are up and available anyway and gets a job done.

Squeezita · 08/11/2021 16:31

Overnight chocolate oats with raspberry compote is so delicious.

icedcoffees · 08/11/2021 16:34

The dog thing isn't an issue, as it occupies time when the DH and DS are up and available anyway and gets a job done.

Surely it is an issue if he's then running late as a result?

The dog doesn't need to be walked at 6am if it means he ends up rushing about and getting flustered. It can go out in the garden to do its' business. It's not like it's then left home alone all day - OP is around to give it a proper walk at a more reasonable time of day.

thenovice · 08/11/2021 17:35

I think it takes a bit longer for men to realise that their lives are going to be very different and much more tiring once kids come along.
Flowers for both of you

Retired65 · 08/11/2021 17:51

I would persuade your husband to get the 'snip'. Too late now but never a good idea to have sex without any type of conception.

Lisa46 · 08/11/2021 18:00

I think you're both amazing - getting up and doing all that so early, but I do think, just because he chooses to get up at that time, doesn't mean it's ok to pressurise you to get up at a certain time - you do more than your share and you need your sleep, don't let him make you feel otherwise.

TravelLost · 08/11/2021 18:01

You’ve made the news @AandWsMum

HERE

Original poster
AandWsMum · 08/11/2021 18:05

@TravelLost that’s hilarious - do they look on forums like this for news!? Must be a VERY slow news day… pmsl

OP posts:
caringcarer · 08/11/2021 18:10

Hope you don't get morning sickness or he will have to pitch in more.

Gilly12345 · 08/11/2021 18:11

You two are not happy with the situation at the moment and this is all before baby 3 arrives 🙄 good luck you both will need it.

Redwinestillfine · 08/11/2021 18:12

My first thought was why are you letting a 3 year old get up at 5.45? Get a gro clock and tell him it's still night time and he needs to stay in bed until the sun comes up (and set it to come up at 7 or whatever works for you). Leave him some toys for morning. He doesn't have to sleep, but he does have to stay in his room and not disturb the house.

CheesyWeez · 08/11/2021 18:24

I wouldn't be able to cope OP.
May I suggest that you go to bed earlier? I would go to bed as soon as DH gets in. When DC3 comes it would help you get more sleep overall.

You can't expect or be expected to go to bed late, get up twice in the night, and get up early!

notoldjustpastyoung · 08/11/2021 18:51

You have to sleep/rest when you can with little ones ike that. If it suits you and the little ones it's OK>

Anonymous48 · 08/11/2021 18:55

I'm confused about why you are still getting ready when he needs to leave at 8am if you have been up since 7am. Do you really need more than an hour? If so then you should get up earlier. But if you are ready for him to leave at 8, then I don't see what the issue is.

fetchacloth · 08/11/2021 18:57

YANBU!!
I think your DH needs to spend a day, all 24 hours of it, in your shoes. He might rethink then.😉

Nearly47 · 08/11/2021 19:03

Buy him a microwave oven for Christmas

Whydidimarryhim · 08/11/2021 19:05

You’ve not answered why your husband is controlling of time - why is he so fixated on getting to work so early when he could have some flexibility. Isn’t this partly why people have their own business.
He’s out of the house 12 hours a day. He makes a choice.
You seem to fit around him.
Yes to why is the child getting up at 5.45?
Let him have the kids for a day on a Saturday and you get a day off.
I

Jewel52 · 08/11/2021 20:06

Think you’ve both got a lot going on so these kind of niggles are inevitable. Neither of you are the problem, it’s a life stage thing that will improve as long as you’re a tag team

maybloss2 · 08/11/2021 20:27

Hiya op, I’m not sure he’s actually asking you to change. He wants to have a conversation maybe to off load some early morning angst? Perhaps you could have a commiserating convo where you both say how tiring it is doing a,b,c -z with not enough sleep.
Also, I wonder given his self employed status whether he needs some encouragement to delegate to other workers? Is that at all possible? Is it possible to off load the 3 yr old for a couple of hours a week so you, either of you or both of you, can get some space? Any nearby rellies or friends?
Good luck with it and no I don’t think you should get up earlier.

HelloBambinos · 08/11/2021 20:29

I may be getting this wrong but from what you've said it seems like it's the waiting for you to be ready for him to leave on time which stresses him. As you described him he seems like a decent guy and works long hours and has to be organised with work so likes to leave at a certain time. I'm like that and if I know I need to leave at a certain time and someone is taking a long time or faffing or something holds me up I get stressed and anxious about it. So It seems like he doesn't begrudge you sleep or that he's complaining about giving dd breakfast it's just that he feels on edge whilst you're getting ready as you stated sometimes you aren't ready by the time he needs to leave. So I'd say he's not unreasonable for wishing you would get up earlier as the sole purpose seems to be that it would stress him less knowing you'll definitely be sorted in time but also you're not unreasonable for grabbing much needed sleep. Nobody seems like the bad guy here
There are a million things I would like my husband to do to make my life easier and same the other way but doesn't mean it's going to happen. It's not like he's calling you names demanding things and throwing his weight around.

HelloBambinos · 08/11/2021 20:31

Ds not dd

cherish123 · 08/11/2021 21:08

No. 7am is fine. Why does DS need to get up at 5.45 for breakfast? If he left you to DS's breakfast, it would make mornings less stressful for him. Presumably, it doesn't matter if DS has breakfast a bit later.

AnAverageMum · 08/11/2021 21:23

@AandWsMum
You complete deserve that little bit of time in the morning & I can really relate to it being the difference between you functioning or being a walking zombie! Just tell your husband that, he sounds like a nice man Smile
& Congratulations on your pregnancy. I also have an accidental third I know I’m a disgrace & the 1-2 transition was much harder than 2-3. Best of luck! Smile

nymum · 08/11/2021 21:38

Stand your ground and look after your needs. It’s much too easy to start feeling you need to bear all of the discomfort when you’re not working. Keep it as equal as possible. Your relationship and family routine will be better for it- now and later.