Husband thinks I should get up earlier!

[AandWsMum]

I am currently on maternity leave for DC2 who is 14 weeks old and EBF. We also have a DS who is three and goes to nursery two days a week, and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again with DC3, much to my surprise.

My husband works long-ish hours, leaving the house at 8am and getting home about 8pm. He gets up with DS about 5.45am. His job isn’t manual but involves a lot of travelling. In the morning he takes the dog for a walk, does breakfast for DS and gets ready.

I get up about 7am, but have normally been awake for longer feeding baby. He thinks I should get up earlier because he says he finds leaving in the morning stressful if I’m still getting ready, but usually everything is under control. He is never annoyed or moaning he just says it would

Apart from taking out the bins and gardening, I do literally everything else most of the time with him pitching in when he can - the shopping, cooking, cleaning, bath time, bedtime, taking kids to parties, organising bills, school run etc are all my responsibility. So if he’s about at bath time, he will do it while I clear up from dinner as an example but it’s not a given.

He struggles with being woken in the night so atm sleeps in the spare room while feed baby (I don’t mind tbh at least I get more space) but it also means I deal with the 3 y/o if he wakes up at any point too.

I go to bed around 11pm and feed baby usually from 1-2 and then again 3.30-5 ish.

I don’t mind doing everything I do and appreciate that the main reason he doesn’t is because he just not here, but I am also EXHAUSTED.

AIBU to stand my ground and stay in bed til 7am and leave him to do the early mornings?

I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again with DC3, much to my surprise.

Ahem. Breastfeeding is NOT a contraception. As my mother reminded me ALL the time - (there are 13 months between my sister and me, the oops baby 😆😆) Congratulations!

Just remind your husband you do get up earlier. At 3.30. You’re just having the first nap of the day at 5am, and if he wants to get up at 3.30 he is welcome to join you.

I would be trying to sort out the 5.45 waking of your son though. That’s too early,

Just stop with the judgements about the pregnancy, FFS. Most especially stop blaming only ONE of the people who created this baby and decided to continue with the pregnancy.

*Further to the point, OP has stated that she is a nurse who a) is fully educated about conception and contraception (Even while breastfeeding) She would have also known that she did not have to continue with the pregnancy if she didn’t want to.

OP and her DH have obviously made the decision together that continuing was best for them both, and this is why moralistic comments and opinions about the fact that OP fell pregnant with DC3 when DC2 was still little are entirely unhelpful and probably very upsetting for OP.

This baby was obviously a surprise, but you are assuming that he or she is unwelcome.

He says it’s just the fact that I’m not 100% supervising the kids and he feels like he’s a bit rushed, especially if DS has been slow having breakfast. He doesn’t like the idea that the toddler is upset while he’s leaving but that happens most of the time anyway. And yeah the travelling stresses him out so he’s angst if he even is close to time and I’m not ready or it’s cold and he’s got to defrost the car etc.

@AandWsMum
This along with all the rest of his peculiar habits you have mentioned says he is using micromanaging as a way to address underlying anxiety.

It's very unhealthy, and if you don't put your foot down at home you will find yourself pandering to his anxiety all your life.

If he doesn't address his bad habit at work he won't have a career because nobody will want to work with him/for him on his projects more than once. Plus he will have a heart attack before he is 50.

It's all maladaptive.

I have read over this thread again and your first post imparticular. I think the whole post is odd.

It's like your so blaise about your DH ways. Your house hold is too structured everyone seems to be up at the crack of dawn!

Personally I let my 3 year old sleep till whenever as long as we didn't have to be any where important (I worked nights back then).
Even your weekends sound like you all get up early but I do understand the Saturday is for the rugby.

My DS had a good bedtime routine but in the mornings.. I've never known a chiod to be always up at a set time.

Honestly it's all sounds too much. The microwave thing I would just buy one.... I mean faffing with heating milk in a pan just for breakfast.

It sounds terrible.

@lottiegarbanzo

After so many pages, you still haven't explained what it is that bothers your DH, about you not being perfectly ready for the day, at the point he leaves the house.

Does he think the children are unsupervised and in danger?

Or is he just trying to micromanage you?

Exactly. I do not understand the urgency for OP to be "ready". It's non of her DH business if OP stays in her PJ'S till midday it happens!

Being on maternity leave is not a full time job. What are you ladies doing if it is?
I'm on maternity leave with my fourth child and it's a damn site easier than a stressful job. Especially one that's such long hours.
OP, would you consider letting your baby have a bottle for the first night feed. If DP gave that feed you'd be able to have a longer period of unbroken sleep which will help you feel better. Would DP have the children on a weekend, so you can have a lie in to catch up on sleep.
Slow cooked meals are the way forward. You could eat earlier and leave your DP to be alone, when he's eating tea have a soak in the bath to relax and unwind or do something for yourself, read a book or something that interests you. Just so you have some time to be yourself. Not just a mum.
Could you get a baby monitor for your toddlers room so DP can do his wake ups?
Can you afford a cleaner a few hours a week? That way on your toddlers nursery days, you can take those as sofa days and just spend t relaxing with your little one and do the bare minimum around the house.
Do you get anytime alone at the weekend? Maybe meet a friend for a coffee. Just so you have some time not being attached to your baby.
Would your toddler eat different things for breakfast? Toast, fruit and yogurt, brioche. So a couple of days a week breakfast doesn't take as long? Your DP is ridiculous about the microwave though.
A dog walker is a good idea too, as others have said it will take the pressure off both of you. Although on nice days, it may be nice to get out and about.
Do you have any friends or family who are local? Just somebody who could call round as your pregnancy progresses, to maybe give you an hour to nap.
I'm just thinking of ways that will help you.

Being on maternity leave is not a full time job. What are you ladies doing if it is?
I'm on maternity leave with my fourth child and it's a damn site easier than a stressful job. Especially one that's such long hours.

LOL, in other words, "Why are other people not like me?"

Huge congratulations on your pregnancy OP and fingers crossed. I had a similar history to you and was judged by some other women in the same way. Very, very bizarre.
Tbh, you sound hellish busy but it all sounds functional and that you still love and support each other. This amount of sheer hard work will pass, so hang in there. I do think DC3 might be your tipping point though, and something will have to give. If you can afford it, and it sounds like you might, I'd get some help in with either dogwalking or nursery drop off or pick ups/making tea while you put the younger DC to bed etc. It wasn't something we could stretch to but I've watched other families do this and it just seems to take the edge off.
Hope all goes well.

Being on maternity leave is not a full time job. What are you ladies doing if it is?

It depends - on the baby, how long recovery from birth takes, what you were doing before, how responsibilities are split between the couple, probably a couple of other factors.

The OP will save a lot of time by not reading this thread 😂

@kateg27

Being on maternity leave is not a full time job. What are you ladies doing if it is? I'm on maternity leave with my fourth child and it's a damn site easier than a stressful job. Especially one that's such long hours. OP, would you consider letting your baby have a bottle for the first night feed. If DP gave that feed you'd be able to have a longer period of unbroken sleep which will help you feel better. Would DP have the children on a weekend, so you can have a lie in to catch up on sleep. Slow cooked meals are the way forward. You could eat earlier and leave your DP to be alone, when he's eating tea have a soak in the bath to relax and unwind or do something for yourself, read a book or something that interests you. Just so you have some time to be yourself. Not just a mum. Could you get a baby monitor for your toddlers room so DP can do his wake ups? Can you afford a cleaner a few hours a week? That way on your toddlers nursery days, you can take those as sofa days and just spend t relaxing with your little one and do the bare minimum around the house. Do you get anytime alone at the weekend? Maybe meet a friend for a coffee. Just so you have some time not being attached to your baby. Would your toddler eat different things for breakfast? Toast, fruit and yogurt, brioche. So a couple of days a week breakfast doesn't take as long? Your DP is ridiculous about the microwave though. A dog walker is a good idea too, as others have said it will take the pressure off both of you. Although on nice days, it may be nice to get out and about. Do you have any friends or family who are local? Just somebody who could call round as your pregnancy progresses, to maybe give you an hour to nap. I'm just thinking of ways that will help you.

I just don’t know why everyone isn’t as amazing as you, could you tell us how you do it? Or maybe you just need to give us your babies. That might do it- I know mine make maternity leave twice as hard as my busy full time long hours job.

Maternity leave was a breeze for me. I had a straight forward birth I came out of unscathed, a unicorn baby, so chilled out and content, who slept beautifully from the start, no major health concerns at all, a husband who did his share of night feeds despite his penis. There was a lot of Netflix and chill and I am a lucky woman.
But I am not so small minded that I can't possibly imagine a world where people are not as lucky as me.
Fucking hell.

[quote AandWsMum]@HollowTalk Porridge, usually 😂 I like to point out he shot himself in the foot when he wouldn’t have a microwave “because of the rays” haha[/quote]
Ffs... Get a microwave....

Porridge takes 90 seconds in it... From scratch... Just finished my bowl (at the disgustingly late time of 930am)

@kateg27 I always saw it as a full time job I the same way that I would see a childminder, even with one child, is doing a dull time job.

So unless you are saying that CM don’t do a full time job and their job isn’t stressful or hard, then you also can’t say that being on ML with a baby is easy and you actually have little to do (if said mum is s organised as you are that is…)

I'd ltb on the microwave issue alone.

I feel like I've solved a puzzle here @AandWsMum

It's this: He works for himself so likes to be there super early/make sure all is shut up properly and visits various sites through the day so he does need to give himself time to ravel. He takes a lot of pride/responsibility in overseeing everything and obviously wants to set a good example to his employees.

That's what he's doing to you.

Your household is a 'site' which he is uncomfortable leaving in an 'unfinished' condition. Your house is site no. 1 of his busy day and having to leave while it looks messy, you seem distracted and disorderly (failing to follow the boss man's orderly example) and the 3yo seems unhappy (usual momentary 'goodbye tears' by the sound of it) feels stressful and frustrating for him.

He wants the house shipshape and you and the DC dressed, ready for your day and waving him off with a smile. (Job no.1 happily ticked off his list).

Your position is that everyone's safe, you are supervising the DC (and can dry your hair, or dress while doing that, if necessary) so why doesn't he just leave when he needs to?

Fundamentally, he does not respect you as having equal authority and competence to him, in your own home, with your own children.

He has not accepted that you run things differently at home, from the way he runs things at work.

And just look at the way he's structured your lives, both weekday and weekend. It is all about structure, order, adult satisfaction and public displays of the same.

The problem is, that with multiple small DC, the chaos, mess and endless demands upon your time and attention are multiplying. The amount of disorder that he has to tolerate, or sweep under the carpet of 'home', physically and mentally, is increasing. At some point that's going to overwhelm him, or someone's going to 'embarrass' him in public and he's going to blow up.

That, or he needs to recognise his over-dependence on order, understand that that isn't compatible with small children, or with providing older ones with a healthy, happy home and accept that you know what you're doing and have your priorities straight as a parent.

@TravelLost that's a ridiculous comparison. The last time I looked, there was no paperwork involved in being a mum, no risk assessments to complete, no planning to do, no development assessments to do. Etc. I certainly never had to prepare for any OFSTED visits or do they visit some mums.
It's not a full time job. Parents at work are still parents and still have to cook, clean and look after their children. I've not had easy babies but I've never been able to watch television at work, or sit and take an hour for lunch, or cook myself nice food rather than a meal deal from Tesco, certainly never been allowed to have a baby sleep on me or feed from me for several hours a day at work.
Parenting is hard, it can be relentless but it's not the same as a stressful full time job or one with ridiculous hours.
I love how none of you are focusing on any of my suggestions on how to help the OP, just my first paragraph. 🙄

kateg27 Your suggestions are good. Most had already been made but it's a good summary list.

Just easier for your readers to digest without you priming us with a put-down!

@AandWsMum

I'm still confused, and so far you have refused to clarify this.

You currently get up at 7am and your husband leaves for work at 8am, right? So why are you still getting ready after already being up for an hour? Even if you do feel like you need to dry your hair, surely it doesn't take you more than an hour to shower and get dressed. If it really does take you longer than an hour then maybe you should get up earlier.

But what does she need to be ready for ? She's not going out at 8am.

OP has made it really clear that she'd rather have the sleep than the perfect hair.

If she's not perfectly 'ready' by the time he leaves, it may take her longer to complete her 'getting ready process, or she may go through the day with imperfect hair. So...?

Her choice, surely?

@lottiegarbanzo

But what does she need to be ready for ? She's not going out at 8am.

Ready to have sole responsibility for the kids, I assume. But why isn't she ready for that after being up for an hour? I don't understand that.

She is ready to take on sole responsibility for the kids and happily does so. She has been abundantly clear about that.

@lottiegarbanzo

She is ready to take on sole responsibility for the kids and happily does so. She has been abundantly clear about that.

Then what is the problem?

It takes me
About 20/25 minutes to get ready - showering, drying hair, teeth, contact lenses, getting dressed etc

I’m not always ready bang on 8am because babies aren’t robots and sometimes want to feed for longer, toddler wants me for something, husband wants to defrost the car…

But like @lottiegarbanzo has said, what does it matter as long as he can get out of the door while I’m still doing these things.

I’m my first post it says “usually everything is under control” - just not his idea of eberything being under control.

We’ve spoken about this last night and he’s going to try and “tune out” what’s going on when he’s leaving as long as I say I’m ready to take over, and see if that helps.

Tonight I’m going to discuss whether he feels that he needs to see someone to explore whether he needs formal help with anxiety or something similar.