To wonder whether we should have kids

[moveblues]

DH and I are both in our mid/late 30s. We are quite lost about what to do about having kids.

I'm quite a driven person and I like to put a lot of my energy into work because I do something I'm passionate about. My mother always used to tell me never to have kids (lovely huh!) but I think it stuck and I really struggle to picture myself as a mum. I also have bad knees and worry about the toll of pregnancy, and I need to lose ideally 2 stone before if we do.
But then I do wonder how being a parent would change me, quite possibly for the better, and whether I would miss out on giving that level of love to another human!

DH is not really bothered. We both really like a life where we can pretty much do what we want when we want, don't have to pay nursery fees etc (which would etch a lot out of our income!)

Obviously no one can decide this for us but we are both really umming and ahhing and we need to do it soon if we are going to!
If you've been through this - what helped you?

I think if you're ummming and aaahing, don't!! We have this conversation in our nct group all the time. Having kids is really really tough (amazing too) - and everyone in our circle REALLY wanted them. I can't imagine getting through all the crap bits if I hasn't been 100% sure I wanted it.

I’d say no. He doesn’t sound remotely like he wants to and you sound like you’re trying to decide whether you should chance a trip to Egypt for once or carry on to your usual holiday destination. Kids are like being in the Mafia = once you’re in, you’re in.

Tbh I would also think twice about bringing children into the world with the way things are. Maybe that's doom-mongery but the world feels very fucked up. And yes, they are incredibly hard work etc too.

If you're not sure, then don't.

Based on what you've said, I wouldn't. I have one and it's very hard work, even if you really, really want them.

It's difficult to understand how much having a child changes your life and I think the better your life is pre-child, the harder it hits. I would be cautious in your shoes. Speaking from experience here. It is possible to love your children but hate parenting and it's a 24/7 kind of job. My DH really wanted children and does a lot more than many men but with an ambivalent partner not a chance in hell.

You don't sound bothered and neither does he - you seem to be focused on all the negatives. So I wouldn't bother if I were you.

I think the fact that you've both got the age you have without having strong feelings about it, and are "umming and ahhing" suggests that neither of you do desperately want children. Its not as if one is pressuring the other.

The way I see it is thus: If you don't 100% want them, by that I mean desire them with some sort of overwhelming pull then don't do it. It's much better to forgo children and potentially have regrets about 'could have beens' later than to 'hope for the best' and do it - the latter case results in many people unnecessarily suffering. It's an irreversible choice and one which should not be made lightly. If everyone were to make a list of pros and cons of having children virtually nobody would have them which is why I've always thought only do it if you have a such a strong primal urge it nearly overwhelms you.

On another note don't have kids with a man who's apathetic about it because on those long nights when baby is screaming and those tired days when baby can't settle he'll smile in your direction and tell you "well this is what you wanted so you deal with it."

To be honest I have stronger feelings against than for. I think DH does too but we always do wonder and hold in mind what it could be like
I am quite 'maternal' toward other people's kids who I know well, and my dogs ;)
When we talk about kids it's with an 'if' not a 'when'....

Don’t have kids.

I absolutely love having my dc, it's the best thing I've ever done... and I've done a fair bit, including lots of travelling, living abroad, great career etc. However, I was always 100% sure that I wanted to be a mum. Never the slightest doubt.

You don't really sound like you're bothered about having children at all. More just a vague fomo. That isn't a great reason to have them tbh. Perhaps you're better off as you are?

Don't have kids.

For those of you with kids did you always know you wanted them?

We didn’t, I like me time and sleep but in all seriousness I didn’t have that yearning for kids.

@moveblues

For those of you with kids did you always know you wanted them?

Yes, absolutely.

I don’t have children. When people have said “you’ll regret not having children” my reply is “I’d rather regret not having them than regret having them”

I'm mid 30s now and pregnant for the first time. Been with my partner for 12 years and we weren't sure about having kids until about 3/4 years ago. It was more of a gradual thing, we went from probably never having them to maybe we could one day to knowing we really wanted to be parents!

If one of us had been unsure we wouldn't have done it, we agreed before we started trying that it had to be both of us 100% or nothing.

Yup wanted kids. I said no more after my 1st and then I was ready 4 years later. Currently have a near 12 year old dd and my youngest dd has just turned 7. Currently having some peace and quiet in the play centre with a hot chocolate and mumsnet . Who needs friends when you have 2 daughters lol. 😀.

I’m quite surprised by these responses. I think having children is the single most meaningful and fulfilling thing you can do in your life. It’s not easy at times, but it’s absolutely worth it. My regret is not having another, bit too old now.
It’s a potentially lonely old age without children and grandchildren.

@moveblues

Did I always know I wanted them? Yes. I literally could not picture a future for myself without them and would sometimes panic a bit, even in my early 20’s, about being infertile…etc.

I have 2 under 2 now and I’d like to offer my advice. The idea of having children is very different to the reality. It’s HARD, draining and thankless quite a bit of the time. It consumes your identity and overhauls your priorities, even when you don’t want it to, you can’t control it.
My quality of life is MUCH lower now than it was before and my life feels like a LOT of obligations for minimal reward. But you’re trapped by it because you Absolutely adore them.

I just had to carry my screaming, kicking, slapping and soggy (it was raining) 19mo home and I’d be lying if I didn’t spend half that walk thinking ‘FFS why did I do this to myself?’

But I love him

if you have to ask random internet strangers, and your partner isn't that bothered - probably not.

It’s a very personal decision and what’s right for you is what’s right for you and all that.

But honestly I’m not reading your OP and thinking ‘god, these people long to be parents’.

@WilsonMilson

I’m quite surprised by these responses. I think having children is the single most meaningful and fulfilling thing you can do in your life. It’s not easy at times, but it’s absolutely worth it. My regret is not having another, bit too old now. It’s a potentially lonely old age without children and grandchildren.

I don't disagree with you because that has been my experience - it has been immensely fulfilling and I would not change my experience of being a mum for anything. However, I also know that many women do regret having kids. 🤷‍♀️

The OP doesn't really sound like she wants to be a parent - she is a bit scared of missing out on something big, but she is ambivalent about parenthood at best. I don't think it's particularly fair on any future children to bring them into the world in those circumstances.

@WilsonMilson

I’m quite surprised by these responses. I think having children is the single most meaningful and fulfilling thing you can do in your life. It’s not easy at times, but it’s absolutely worth it. My regret is not having another, bit too old now. It’s a potentially lonely old age without children and grandchildren.

I love having children, I always knew I wanted to be a mother and I feel fulfilled by it.

Op doesn't sound like she wants children. I don't think it's fair to have children in the hopes that you might enjoy it.