To wonder whether we should have kids

[moveblues]

DH and I are both in our mid/late 30s. We are quite lost about what to do about having kids.

I'm quite a driven person and I like to put a lot of my energy into work because I do something I'm passionate about. My mother always used to tell me never to have kids (lovely huh!) but I think it stuck and I really struggle to picture myself as a mum. I also have bad knees and worry about the toll of pregnancy, and I need to lose ideally 2 stone before if we do.
But then I do wonder how being a parent would change me, quite possibly for the better, and whether I would miss out on giving that level of love to another human!

DH is not really bothered. We both really like a life where we can pretty much do what we want when we want, don't have to pay nursery fees etc (which would etch a lot out of our income!)

Obviously no one can decide this for us but we are both really umming and ahhing and we need to do it soon if we are going to!
If you've been through this - what helped you?

As someone who desperately wanted kids and absolutely adores motherhood, I have so much respect for people who decide not to have them. I agree with a previous poster that there is nothing selfish about staying childless.

Think of all the threads on here about people witnessing shitty parenting in public; all the threads about people who regret having their DC.

It’s not a good idea to sign yourself up for something so utterly all consuming if you’re not all in.

I have one child. Got pregnant by accident and I hate every minute of it. I love my child dearly and would do anything for her but the mothering part was awful.

You have no idea how utterly and completely your life is transformed. It’s 24/7/365 and it never stops. It was monotonous, boring, relentless and I resented losing my freedoms and career progress.

DD is 21 now and off at Uni. I only feel like I’m getting back to my life now after 20 years. We’ve never had another one and went to great lengths (tubal ligation and vasectomy) to make sure it didn’t happen again.

If you are unsure don’t do it. Chances of resenting it (the decision not the child) are high.

I’ve worked with children since I was 16 in some capacity. Assumed I would have them. However I got into my thirties and realised I don’t have the broody feeling for wanting my own. It’s just not there. I don’t miss what I’ve never had. I love being around kids but I don’t regret not having them.

I’m early 40s now. We have a lovely life without them. I don’t have the worries parent friends and family have, we just worry about us two. We aren’t lonely. I have a big family regardless and both of us really good friends. We have a relaxed but full life.

I hate the argument that you’ll be lonely in old age. That is not a reason to bring children into a broken planet is it? No guarantee your children will stick around. Plenty move abroad or a distance away or there are fall outs too.

I agree that you should really want them and understand how tough it is being a parent not just because we can.

@ED81

I’m glad there is some other messages on here that aren’t all doom re parenthood.

Way to go putting the @moveblues off forever. That is not fair.

It’s not fair to try to persuade people they want children when they aren’t sure they want them either.

I agree, @CounsellorTroi, but I think the ‘if you’re not on fire to have a child and/or are at all ambivalent, it’s obviously not for you’ argument is fundamentally off, too. Absolutely no one should be ‘persuaded’ to have a child, or, conversely, have it suggested that they need to be ‘selfless’ to be good parents, but I don’t think ‘broodiness’ is any indication at all of how easy or hard or fulfilling you will find parenthood.

I actually don’t think ambivalence is a bad place from which to come at parenthood. It means you’ve considered what appear to be the downsides for you in advance, and aren’t expecting a ‘rush of love’ translating into instant total personality transformation.

Until I was about 28 I wasn't sure if I wanted kids, then it's like a switch flipped and I just knew.

I love my kids to bits but one has ASN and it's not easy. If you aren't sure, don't do it.

@moveblues

For those of you with kids did you always know you wanted them?

Yes, always. I had fertility problems and I was obsessed with having kids. I would say if you’re not sure then don’t. What got me through the tough early years was my happiness in finally having what I’d always wanted. If you don’t feel something of that I think it would be more difficult. Kids change your life beyond measure. For me that was a wonderful thing but I get that’s not the same for everyone.

It's so positive to see honest answers and perspectives on this - I was undecided for a long time, then DH and I decided to try.

It didn't happen for us, and we didn't want a baby 'enough' to go through IVF etc.

Because I was on the fence and was never obsessed with having children or had that huge urge, I think accepting my infertility has been easier. It hasn't been an easy road but overall I can see the huge positives in my life as I do love my peace and quiet, and spontaneity.

I have no doubt if we had managed to have DC I would adore them and not be able to imagine my life without them - but there is a part of me that feels relieved that I haven't had to experience regretting having them, if that makes sense.

I do still feel a huge urge towards nurturing/taking care of kids though- and I'm looking into fostering sibling groups to see if it would be positive to help channel that. Lots of kids already here that are in desperate need of love and stability.

@WilsonMilson

I’m quite surprised by these responses. I think having children is the single most meaningful and fulfilling thing you can do in your life. It’s not easy at times, but it’s absolutely worth it. My regret is not having another, bit too old now. It’s a potentially lonely old age without children and grandchildren.

Oh please 🙄.

I always wanted kids. It's all I saw myself doing. I couldn't imagine putting up with all the shit that comes with it if I didn't really want them.