To wonder whether we should have kids

[moveblues]

DH and I are both in our mid/late 30s. We are quite lost about what to do about having kids.

I'm quite a driven person and I like to put a lot of my energy into work because I do something I'm passionate about. My mother always used to tell me never to have kids (lovely huh!) but I think it stuck and I really struggle to picture myself as a mum. I also have bad knees and worry about the toll of pregnancy, and I need to lose ideally 2 stone before if we do.
But then I do wonder how being a parent would change me, quite possibly for the better, and whether I would miss out on giving that level of love to another human!

DH is not really bothered. We both really like a life where we can pretty much do what we want when we want, don't have to pay nursery fees etc (which would etch a lot out of our income!)

Obviously no one can decide this for us but we are both really umming and ahhing and we need to do it soon if we are going to!
If you've been through this - what helped you?

I was rather ambivalent about having them, and ended up having 1 DD aged nearly 40.

She's great. I don't regret her for a second. We have loads of fun together and she's wonderful.

But.

I would never have known had I never had her, but I realise now I'd have been fine having none. What swung it for me was that old cliche, the imperative of the body clock ticking away which all of a sudden made it really important.

If you don't feel that - don't do it.

@moveblues

For those of you with kids did you always know you wanted them?

Yes

I have a 3 year old. He is lovely at times but has ruined my life. Do not have children if you aren't sure. Either way , I feel even worse about having a child that will grow up within a dying planet and the chaos of climate change. I absolutely was swindled by my hormones and biological clocks as for a time. You will never have a moments peace unless you have access to a family network that can help out. I mean... childcare costs are crippling. I would love to turn back time. I'd love to sleep through and wake up at 8 instead of half bloody 5. I'd love to eat meals with my husband without dealing with toddler meltdowns over eating. I'm on antidepressants now in order to cope with my new life.

Tricky one. We were in exactly the same position as you are now and for the first 2-3 years we almost regretted it. Thanks to PND, sleep deprivation and the constant slog that is raising a toddler it wasn't an enjoyable experience. Our lives as they once were, no longer existed. My career was shot - noone will hire a new mum, No matter how illegal it is.

But then.. they turn 3-4, start school and turn into lovely amusing and fun little individuals who you're so glad you went through all the stress for.

It's not for everyone. Those first few years will make or break your relationship, so you need to be sure your partner will pull his weight. If not, then it's a big NO.

Noone can tell you what to do. But if you like a social life, value a career, spare cash, your figure and sleeping... Then it might not be for you.

Don’t think too hard. It never makes sense to have children. We ummmed into our mid 30s . It was DH who had a lightbulb moment and actually positively wanted a baby. As 1 of 4, I couldn’t imagine the first being an only and I really wanted the second, but I don’t think I would have pushed for the first.

Basically... do you want to be an unpaid carer for small, illogical and temperamental human being? In sole charge of them? You literally cannot take it back or dump it with the social services.

Don’t do it!!!

I say this to anyone wavering: you need an ache you want a child so much because it’s a lot of hard work and that’s the only way you’re going to enjoy sacrificing so much.

I’ve absolutely loved being a mum but I knew I really wanted to do it.

If in doubt, don't.

I never wanted children. We got married agreeing not to have children. After being married 10 years my husband had some kind of mid-life wobble and decided he would like them after all. I compromised on having just the one, but I was genuinely indifferent.

It is the hardest thing I've ever done and the first few months nearly broke our marriage (severe PND, traumatic birth, unsettled baby etc). However, I don't regret the decision. I'd never want to repeat the baby stage, but now she's a lovely little person and I can't imagine our lives without her.

Maybe this is a bit taboo, but I really did have a baby because of FOMO and it turned out ok. Yes, our lives are different, but we both pull our weight so that we can still have hobbies, a career, down time etc. It only works because we are genuinely equal partners.

From what you've said it's a big NO

Sounds like you are scared, because your mother didn't encourage you, you don't feel that safe backing and support. It's not only us that want our children in to this world. Eager grandparents can give peace of mind that your child is a little miracle and blessing. Is it worth to burry your maternity just because of your mothers shortcomings? If in doubt, I would have one child. One child won't "ruin your life".

I so desperately wanted to be a mum. Even as a teenager I would worry about being infertile. I couldn't have imagined a life without children. I love my children more than words can describe and I have nearly died for them and would again in a heartbeat. I love being a mum..

But, it has been so much harder than I could have ever imagined. It impacts all other areas of your life so negatively. I now have no career, no social life, no free time, no energy or time for hobbies, I am so exhausted every day that I feel ill, when I am ill can't rest and get better, it can be such a lonely existence, you are more likely to end up stuck if your relationship turns horrible, it's financial suicide..

In other words unless you desperately want them just don't do it to yourself.

I'm going to put the case forward for yes as there are so many no's!

I was ambivalent about kids. I saw the effect kids had on my parents and worried greatly about how they would impact my life and relationship.

At 35, I knew I had to decide. However, I sort of left it to fate abc came off the pill thinking it would take ages and I'd have time to go back in it if I changed my mind. 4 weeks later I was pregnant. From the minute I found out I knew I wanted that baby more than anything. All the doubts evaporated. It was like the yes part of my mind had switched on.

What I didn't realise before pregnancy and having my son was how much joy a new baby brings to so many people. Our parents had given up on us and were ecstatic. Feeling a baby grow inside you, giving birth to it and watch it form into this little individual is honestly the most rewarding and joyful experience. I honestly would have rolled my eyes at that comment pre having kids but now I totally believe it.

It is hard. The first wee while f eels like a bomb had gone off under you but it gets better and better. I had my second 6 months ago and she's just made things even better. Kids have strengthened my marriage and my relationship with my family. They've also made me question what really matters in life to me and moved away slightly from a very job orientated world.

I wouldn't have regretted not having kids as life can be something different and meaning can of course come in different forms. However, all I can say is that I'm very pleased we did and that their presence has been far more positive and joyful than I could ever have imagined. It's very easy to see all the hard bits before you have them but it's not so easy to imagine the positives. Just bear this in mind.

Good luck. Whatever you decide will be the right decision for you.

@moveblues

I am in a similar state of mind as you but about whether to have a second child.

I yearned deeply to be a mother and from my late twenties to mid thirties I was desperate for a baby and scared of possible infertility like other posters have mentioned. I could not have been more certain I wanted DC1. She is here now and fantastic.

Now I am so torn about a possible DC2, a phrase I read on Mumsnet years ago keeps coming back to me.. "Every child deserved to be yearned for". This is why I think I am deciding no to a second. It's a thought process with pros and cons not a yearning like before.

Also, I can't find the exact quote but Jane Austen wrote that if one finds oneself considering a proposal (of marriage), the answer must be no. I feel this applies here too.

As someone who was in no way 100% bought into the idea of having children, but now am so pleased we did, I normally come into threads like this talking people into it.

But from what you’ve said I’d say no, you shouldn’t have kids.

For me what pushed me towards was that if I envisaged myself as an 80 year old woman, I always imagined I would have grown up children. But I was expecting a broodiness and strong desire to have children to kick in at some point and it never did. I didn’t find the idea of having a baby particularly appealing. But I knew it was something I’d have to do otherwise one day I would be an 80 year old woman with no family, and that wasn’t what I wanted for my life.

@IJoinedJustForThisThread

I don’t have children. When people have said “you’ll regret not having children” my reply is “I’d rather regret not having them than regret having them”

Me too. I once made a 'for and against' list and the only thing I could put in 'For' was that my then husband wanted children.

My mother didn't really want children but her life foisted us upon her - she wasn't a very good mother and that very much affected my view of this.

I wasn't sure and through carelessness got pregnant and have never looked back. Couldn't imagine my life without them and love being a Mum so much. But that's just me, like you say you don't know if you would regret it, I'm just saying that I didn't

We have literally just come out the other side of this situation and ended up concluding that we wouldn’t. We’ve been thinking about it for at least three years and for a while definitely thought we would. I think if you’re really on the fence don’t do it - when I look at all my friends, having children is insanely hard work. I can’t get my head around how exhausting it looks. One thing I read that was helpful said both options, life with children and without children, come with loss, whether freedom or the love of a child, neither is the right choice.

Although it shouldn’t and doesn’t for everyone, I think it does impact the careers of the majority of women (not just discrimination, I mean people positively choosing fewer hours or a better work life balance).

But I get it, it’s SO hard when literally everyone else is doing it, and it won’t be a choice soon-ish, I found it’s been hard mentally to go against the tide.

Another major factor for me was climate change - we are on a terrifying trajectory and I’m pretty sure if we did I would spend a lot of time thinking about my child’s adult future and what it might look like.

Who does the 'default' chores in your house? Cleaning the loo, removing dead mice, unclogging the drains etc. Things like that.

In your shoes, I wouldn't have kids with a man who didn't really want to have them unless they had a very, very strong sense of duty and were absolutely dedicated to pulling their weight. If you're ambivalent about kids, I can't imagine anything worse than ending up doing 100% of the shit stuff and making 100% of the sacrifices while your partner walzes in and out, their life barely changed.

@Goldbar

Who does the 'default' chores in your house? Cleaning the loo, removing dead mice, unclogging the drains etc. Things like that.

In your shoes, I wouldn't have kids with a man who didn't really want to have them unless they had a very, very strong sense of duty and were absolutely dedicated to pulling their weight. If you're ambivalent about kids, I can't imagine anything worse than ending up doing 100% of the shit stuff and making 100% of the sacrifices while your partner walzes in and out, their life barely changed.

He does it all. Literally all because I've devoted myself to a course for a few years and he picked up cooking washing shopping etc. He is great in that way. The balance will soon be restored and I anticipate sharing these chores but he will carry on doing the harder stuff like DIY (my job is also much more weighted in terms of responsibility and (often) unpaid overtime etc. Hugely strong sense of duty!

I think as you have got to your mid to late 30s without knowing and still umming and awing, then the answer is no. I suspect that maybe you feel yous should because it is the norm more than anything else.

I think having children is the single most meaningful and fulfilling thing I can do in MY life

There I've corrected that for you. I'm pleased motherhood has been so meaningful and fulfilling for you. But other women (and men) can find meaning and fulfilment on different life paths. You can't speak for all of them.

I have children and I love them dearly. I'm not the most maternal and my career, marriage and friends are also important and fulfilling to me so I've not dedicated myself to them as completely as many mothers do. They seem to have turned out OK though!

I will say to the OP though that I always knew I did want children so it has been PART of my life fulfillment. I think if I'd never really wanted children it would have been a huge gamble to have them out of FOMO. It's cheering to hear of people who did and that it worked out, but I wouldn't have wanted to take the risk personally.

I felt exactly like you, but I was early 30s when we went for it. I wasn’t sure about it until they were born. But it’s totally worth it now. My life would be empty without them.

How selfish and set in your ways are you? I mean that in the nicest way. My husband is naturally quite selfish (he does override it and is lovely) so he finds it really, really difficult. I’m much more relaxed, easygoing and don’t mind missing out on things.

Example, this weekend I was booked into see friends I haven’t seen for ages. But son is very unwell and we have another child, so I’ve had to cancel.

For the sake of balance, I would add that I have not found parenting particularly difficult at all, so that side of it isn't inevitable. The trouble is, you can't possibly know how hard you'll find it until you do it.

My career has progressed well in spite of being a mum as well. Yes, it did affect some of the choices that I have made, but it didn't really stop me from having a great career overall.

Not trying to persuade the OP either way - it doesn't sound like she really wants dc anyway. But I think it's important to say that it isn't necessarily all hard work and drudgery. I have really enjoyed every stage so far and have never really considered it hard. I only have one dc though, so that might make a big difference.

This is a major choice and I’d say not one for Mumsnet (ironically). I’ve also found this site full of people who seem to have their lives. I suppose that’s what forums etc are generally for…..people with issues going on.

I’d speak to your close friends, even a counsellor in an attempt to figure out what is going on for you and your husband.xx