To wonder whether we should have kids

[moveblues]

DH and I are both in our mid/late 30s. We are quite lost about what to do about having kids.

I'm quite a driven person and I like to put a lot of my energy into work because I do something I'm passionate about. My mother always used to tell me never to have kids (lovely huh!) but I think it stuck and I really struggle to picture myself as a mum. I also have bad knees and worry about the toll of pregnancy, and I need to lose ideally 2 stone before if we do.
But then I do wonder how being a parent would change me, quite possibly for the better, and whether I would miss out on giving that level of love to another human!

DH is not really bothered. We both really like a life where we can pretty much do what we want when we want, don't have to pay nursery fees etc (which would etch a lot out of our income!)

Obviously no one can decide this for us but we are both really umming and ahhing and we need to do it soon if we are going to!
If you've been through this - what helped you?

@ED81

This thread is miserable as sin.

I don't think it's miserable. I think women need to shout from the roofs what motherhood is really about!

This conversation needs to be more spoken about IRL. There's no Shame.

Parenting is really, really hard. I’m so tired, my life is a permanent juggle and I really miss the wonderful life I had with my DH pre DS. I miss the freedom we had to do exactly what we want, when we want - I was naive about how much this mattered to me. I adore and love DS beyond words and I can’t imagine life without him. But, parenting is a dull, hard slog and selfishly, has made my life worse, not better. Can I recommend my DS? Yes, he’s the love of my life. Can I recommend parenting? Not really.

I found it interesting when we were deciding to get children or not EVERYONE told us we would regret it if we didn’t, that I was selfish for considering denying kids to my husband, that nothing in life is worth more than having children. I was made feel guilty for considering not having them.

I love my child to bits and he is the centre of my universe, I would happily give my life to save his but… it has not been an easy ride, nothing has been more heartbreaking in my life than trying to rise a happy child in the context of loss, disability, hardship and health issues… and yes, we had been married for years, were affluent and DS was a planned baby, life just took over in unforeseeable ways.

@AliceW89

Parenting is really, really hard. I’m so tired, my life is a permanent juggle and I really miss the wonderful life I had with my DH pre DS. I miss the freedom we had to do exactly what we want, when we want - I was naive about how much this mattered to me. I adore and love DS beyond words and I can’t imagine life without him. But, parenting is a dull, hard slog and selfishly, has made my life worse, not better. Can I recommend my DS? Yes, he’s the love of my life. Can I recommend parenting? Not really.

Yes I agree with this.

Today I've had the most horrendous headache...I just want to sleep but I have to drive my DC to their activity, do the food shop, make dinner, get uniforms ready, help with homework. It's exhausting. Most of the time you're doing stuff you don't want to do. If you're ambivalent about having kids and like your life, just don't bother...trust me!

@sarahandduck12

Def don’t unless you really want them - it’s fucking hard. We have all been poorly with various things for 2 months now. DH and I can’t recover as we can’t rest (DC are 1&3) and we do resent it at times like these.

This could be the ages. It's a close gap and they are not at school yet.

How selfless are you?

Are you happy putting the needs and wants of others before your own....or do you like to call the shots and direct how you use your time? Do you strong passions and interests that define you? If it’s the latter, you might struggle. If it’s the former, go for it!

@HotPeppasauce2.
It’s all I hear about! People only speak about the negatives and how difficult it is. I actually can’t remember the last time someone said something remotely positive or nice about parenthood.

I think you need to really want kids, I personally wouldn't if you're on the fence.
I love being a parent and wouldn't change anything, but I do miss things like sleeping until whenever I want at weekends, knowing I won't be woken however many times during the night because the baby has a cold, not having to spend an extra half hour getting 2 small humans ready before I can leave the house, etc.
It is the best thing I've ever done, but it is a huge commitment and not at all easy.

@Comedycook

We both really like a life where we can pretty much do what we want when we want

In that case, do not have kids.

I spend virtually all my life doing stuff I don't really want to because I have DC.

But that presumably reflects your children, your number of children, their ages, whether they’re disabled, neurodiverse etc, whether you work or not, whether you’re a single parent or not, whether you had these children with someone who is a fully-involved parent who takes their full share of parenting, and a whole lot of other variables, like income, health, job etc.

I have one nine year old, an absorbing job, a very hands-on DH, and I can’t say I’ve spent a great deal of time doing stuff I don’t want because I have a child— or not since the small baby stage (which I hated). He’s like a fabulous addition rather than a replacement of my previous childfree life. Which I recognise is in part because I chose to have one child, that I have the child I have with the DH I have, and that it never even occurred to me to be a SAHM.

There’s no ‘one size fits all’ version of parenthood.

The way I see it is thus: If you don't 100% want them, by that I mean desire them with some sort of overwhelming pull then don't do it.

I'm not sure I'd agree with that. I was never totally convinced I wanted children, was never broody and never had a primal "pull", always very much a take it or leave it person. Now I've had my DD I can't imagine life without her. She's far and away the most important that's ever been in my life. I'm not a natural parent and I don't always love parenting but I'm 100% sure she's enhanced my life. I don't think its as simple as it being a "calling".

But I do totally agree with this: don't have kids with a man who's apathetic about it because on those long nights when baby is screaming and those tired days when baby can't settle he'll smile in your direction and tell you "well this is what you wanted so you deal with it."

It does jump out from your OP that you're on the fence and hour DH is considerably less enthused than you are. I do think having kids with a man who is not keen is a recipe for disaster.

Having kids is really hard work, even when you really, really want them.

If you are on the fence, I wouldn't do it. There's no rule you have to have kids.

@Nomoreporridge totally agree. I find parenting much easier and better than us anticipated. I honestly think going into it with realistic expectations helped. I was ambivalent because I expected it to be hard. However, it turns out that for me the positives outweigh the negatives. Yes, there are days when I'm ill , tired , done in with threenage tantrums and desperate for some space. But then there are days when the simple presence of my kids playing fills me with absolute joy.

Having bad days / doubts about parenting doesn't mean it's not for you necessarily.

I think you are onto something about some folk that really regret it being the ones that are most desperate to have kids. I know a few people like that who totally idealised kids without really contemplating the lows. They were the hardest hit by the reality of it.

Me and my partner were both of the opinion that we didn't want kids, and then kid happened anyway.

She's now 14, and we're a good family unit. She's happy, and I think we've been good parents. I certainly wouldn't change things now if I could, as I love my daughter very much, and can't imagine a life where she isn't in it.

But I still wouldn't recommend you have kids unless you're 100% certain you want kids. It changes your life completely. Luckily, we were able to adjust to those changes, but that's not a certainty. You may end up resenting your child, you may end up splitting from your partner.

Aside from that, god knows what the planet is going to end up like in our lifetime, let alone our childrens. I worry a lot about how difficult our childrens lives are going to be in the not too distant future.

I’m glad there is some other messages on here that aren’t all doom re parenthood.

Way to go putting the @moveblues off forever. That is not fair.

If you don't really really really want them then no I wouldn't recomend that you have them.

If you're happy with your life and don't feel like anything is missing, then definitely don't do it

@Buttonsluna also has made a very simple but insightful (and correct) post.

@ED81

I’m glad there is some other messages on here that aren’t all doom re parenthood.

Way to go putting the @moveblues off forever. That is not fair.

Oh give over 🙄

Not everyone has to have the same opinion as you on motherhood.

I don't really agree with most of the responses. I was ambivalent about having kids, would swing between really wanting them and at other times thinking "no way". We went ahead and had DD. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been all easy and plain sailing but it's a lot better than I expected.

She slept 7pm-7am from about six weeks old, plus loads of naps. I'd heard so many horror stories of being severely sleep deprived but in reality I got more sleep on mat leave than when childfree and working/commuting. I managed to complete a professional qualification while on mat leave too, then returned to work no problem, in a better role and with flexible working. I still do all the things I did pre kids, like my hobby and the odd meal out/theatre trip. I don't really feel like my life has changed that much, it's the same life I had before but with a child in it. I am a lot busier, more tired and do need to be more organised to keep on top of everything though.

This isn't a boast, just showing the other side, that parenthood doesn't necessarily have to be a slog and all doom and gloom. It does massively help if your DH is supportive and pulls his weight, so make sure you're both on the same page.

Also, if I have another child they could be totally different and a lot more difficult, so I'm not going to get too comfortable.

But don't listen to people saying "don't have kids", I don't think you have to have 100% wanted them all your life in order to enjoy parenthood.

Women tend to scrafice more when they have children and carry out most of the responsibilities.

Will bring great moments of joy into your life but also a lifetime of worry.

@Cosmos123

Women tend to scrafice more when they have children and carry out most of the responsibilities.

Will bring great moments of joy into your life but also a lifetime of worry.

Only if they have children with a total prick who’s uninterested in his own offspring.

@FlickerBeat.
I don’t have children. And it’ is partly the moan fest that’ parents have that has put me off.

I’m childfree, don’t want kids ever & pushing 40 so no am not “changing my mind”

I adore my neices & nephews. I dote on my dogs & devote my time to trying to make their lives awesome

This doesn’t mean I should have kids! It’s so tiring when people assume childfree folk all hate kids & animals

The issue you may need to detangle here is that your mum drilled into you her beliefs about having kids being a negative thing.

It’s never good for a parent to instill the life decisions they missed out on onto their kids.

You sound ambivalent about kids but also sound like the type to just do it to give it a shot. Either choice is ok as long as it feels right for you

Just remember many people don’t think too deeply about wanting to have kids. It’s a given, something you just do as part of being a grown up.

You sound intelligent & thoughtful, when you really think about it it’s a hard decision to make!

It sounds like you have a happy fulfilled life either way & that this decision won’t define you, which is important.

You don’t sound like you want kids so I wouldn’t have them. You can’t do what you want when you want really ever when you’re a parents.

@babybrain77

I think if you're ummming and aaahing, don't!! We have this conversation in our nct group all the time. Having kids is really really tough (amazing too) - and everyone in our circle REALLY wanted them. I can't imagine getting through all the crap bits if I hasn't been 100% sure I wanted it.

People always say this and it’s a fair point but my son was completely unplanned (I was also in my thirties and erring on the side of remaining childless) and he has been the absolute best thing to ever happen to me. I LOVE being a mum. It’s hard but it’s so much fun as well! He’s 5yo and he’s just the most hilarious, gorgeous, clever wee guy and such good company.

In fact I’ve enjoyed it so much I’m now due to have my second any day. And for the Op - my first pregnancy was a breeze, this second one has been a fucking misery!!! You never know what you’re going to get

I adore my kids but honestly the stress of what goes with having kids now days is a nightmare - one thing that has aged me rapidly is the shit show that is trying to get a decent schooling what with finding a school place, then the time school takes up with travel, events, plays, volunteering, exams, tutoring. In my day school was simpler.