To wonder whether we should have kids

[moveblues]

DH and I are both in our mid/late 30s. We are quite lost about what to do about having kids.

I'm quite a driven person and I like to put a lot of my energy into work because I do something I'm passionate about. My mother always used to tell me never to have kids (lovely huh!) but I think it stuck and I really struggle to picture myself as a mum. I also have bad knees and worry about the toll of pregnancy, and I need to lose ideally 2 stone before if we do.
But then I do wonder how being a parent would change me, quite possibly for the better, and whether I would miss out on giving that level of love to another human!

DH is not really bothered. We both really like a life where we can pretty much do what we want when we want, don't have to pay nursery fees etc (which would etch a lot out of our income!)

Obviously no one can decide this for us but we are both really umming and ahhing and we need to do it soon if we are going to!
If you've been through this - what helped you?

@AlexaShutUp Yes, I agree I’ve haven’t found motherhood particularly difficult and my career has advanced at a faster rate since becoming a mum.

*hate their lives

Kids are like being in the Mafia = once you’re in, you’re in.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I love that - so true!

I never really thought too much about having children, I enjoyed having money and no responsibilities. Wasn't maternal at all. I had an unplanned pregnancy - totally changed my life for the better. Never known a love like it.
After many years of trying I'm pregnant again
Do you think your mums views have impacted yours at all?

I'm 52 and don't have children, I've never regretted my choice. I've never felt broody or wondered if I should just in case. I like my life as it is, it's peaceful and I can do what I want when I want. I'm not unfulfilled or lonely.
If you're considering having children because you think you might be missing out on something then I'd say don't do it because you're not.

I’m in my 30s and won’t be having kids. My DH and I talked about it a few years ago and it just didn’t feel right at all. We are happy with our lives and don’t want to take the risk of jeopardising our happiness.

I have a 1 year old DD and the best advice I can give you is that if you aren’t sure - DON’T. I hadn’t quite appreciated the way in which having a baby completely takes over your life. I love her (obviously) but it’s had a negative impact on my relationship, my social life, my mental and physical health, and my career. Suffice to say, we’re sticking at one! You’ve really really got to want to do it.

I was always ambivalent about kids but DH really wanted them.

My DCs are great and I love having them around for the benefits they give to me. However, I really worry about the world I've brought them into and what they might have to live through in the coming decades. This makes me feel guilty and that I should have considered this more before having them.

If I didn't have DCs already, I wouldn't have them now.

I wouldn’t bother. I love being a mum but many don’t! Only do it if you really enjoy children and family life and don’t do it because you want adult children in the future or you feels it’s expected. Adult children may well dump you when you need them most and society is ok with people being ‘ child free’ these days.

I wouldn't in your position to be honest

Hi OP, was quite similar to you just a year or two ago. Currently 38 weeks pregnant in my late 30s. What swung it for me, was realising that it didn't have to be "kids", plural or none.

My anecdotal experience was that friends and acquaintances who completely lost their former hobbies, massively scaled back their careers, were stressed and frazzled, etc. had more than one kid.

I have many friends with just one DC who, while finding the first couple of years tough, then got a lot of their former lives back, as they only had to do the baby and toddler stage once and only have to organise childcare, activities, etc. for one child going forward.

In my view, it's worth thinking about the ”one and done" option.

I wouldn't. I love my children but its exhausting and no one tells you how much you worry. Knowing everything I know now I would not chose to bring my children into this world at all. I hope my children decide they don't want children and can live their lives just for themselves!

@tulippa I think you put it better! I should have considered the future more. I don't think you worry about it in the same way before children though.

@tulippa

I was always ambivalent about kids but DH really wanted them.

My DCs are great and I love having them around for the benefits they give to me. However, I really worry about the world I've brought them into and what they might have to live through in the coming decades. This makes me feel guilty and that I should have considered this more before having them.

If I didn't have DCs already, I wouldn't have them now.

I definitely didn’t give enough consideration to the kind of world I was bringing her into. Environmental catastrophe is just around the corner and, let’s be honest, not enough is going to be done to stop it. The beginning of the end.

I was umming and ahhing. I always thought I wanted them and then I was enjoying life, career sleep so much I became unsure.

Then DS came along by surprise and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Don't do it 😂😂😂

@soniaFouler that cracked me up!!!

Bear in mind if it all goes pear shaped men seem able to up and off and statistically you'll be the one left with them. Always think worse case scenario.

I'm another one who would say only have them if you are really sure. My Dad (not saying he was right by the way) always used to say that it was biological and that something would click in. I didn't believe this at the time but my nephew was born when I was 28 and that shifted something for me. I got more and more broody, DH was a bit more indifferent tbh. I was temping but nevertheless got pregnant (planned ) when I was 30. I had an early miscarriage and it took me nearly a year to fall pregnant again. I remember that being quite a sad time and was probably quite irrational about the whole thing. When I did get pregnant again, my pregnancy was good on the whole, labour was a bit fast and furious which temporarily put me off having a second. On the whole I enjoyed having a baby, although I was a bit astonished by how low down in the pecking order I came as a brand new Mum. I remember people just turning up to visit and I found all that quite overwhelming. I decided to have another one and found going from 1 to 2 really hard, DH worked shifts so it was just me a lot, no real family help, MIL could help out occasionally but was very limited. I was lucky that I had plenty of groups to go to and made friends, if I had been stuck at home it would have killed me. Generally I feel that the Mum does get the worse deal and we get a lot taken off us. I ended up working for myself, which has worked on the whole, but financially I've hardly got any pension and I dont earn well. My boys are now 11 and 14 and I'm at the sandwich stage. Elderly Father at the other end of the country who needs support, DH and I are prioritising working on our marriage at the moment, feel that I should be working full time but due to other factors not practical. On the whole I am enjoying the pre-teen/teen years better. Youngest DS has just started secondary and tbh I'm loving no longer having any school runs to do etc. I'm enjoying getting some freedom back to socialise, spend time with my DH etc. Sorry for essay/brain dump. I dont regret my kids but think you have to be so sure cause unfortunately even in today's society, the Mother usually ends up having to give up a lot more.

@moveblues

To be honest I have stronger feelings against than for. I think DH does too but we always do wonder and hold in mind what it could be like I am quite 'maternal' toward other people's kids who I know well, and my dogs ;) When we talk about kids it's with an 'if' not a 'when'....

Don’t, don’t. I adore my children. One has SEN and both require more from me than I ever thought I could possibly have taken from me and survive. I would give my life for them, and I have. I always, always wanted children and no regrets, but it was still a huge shock. In your situation you are better off being an awesome auntie figure. Most families would embrace a friend who loved their kids and wanted to spend time with them but don’t have their own. We are lucky enough to have people like that and they are precious and deeply loved by our kids. When they are adults I have no doubt they will be people who our kids go to for advice. Some of the “good bits” of parenting are possible without the sacrifice of become mum and dad (and I say that as someone with no regrets).

I have 2 DC and constantly worry about what the world will be like in 30 or 40 years time for them. It feels like everything has gone very extreme in the last 10 years, political, environmental, scary stuff that I don't know how we will get out of. I fear for their futures and knowing that now I might have chosen differently 10 years ago.

@moveblues

For those of you with kids did you always know you wanted them?

I didn't, i was sort of ambivalent but kind of assumed we would. Then had a period of properly considering it and decided we did want them after all, why not? I was very naive as to what it entails, it's the relentlessness and inability to escape. The early years are exhausting. However, I have 2 and don't regret it for a minute. Much easier when you get a bit of yourself back.

You definitely both need to be on the same page though if you have them. Babies want to break up their parents...

Noone can answer this for someone else. Life felt empty to me before kids. I had lots of money, travelled abroad, did all the festival's, meals out, socialising but it just never satisfied me and I felt quite depressed actually.
Having kids totally changed that for me, life is hard but I am so much happier.
I also recently watched my grandmother pass away, surrounded by her legacy, 2 daughters 4 grandchildren, 4 great grandchildren. We all adored her and we all fussed over her, she was queen bee, the head of the family and she loved family time so much. Personally I wanted all that, but I know some people are perfectly happy without.

Don't do it. Get more dogs!

Def don’t unless you really want them - it’s fucking hard. We have all been poorly with various things for 2 months now. DH and I can’t recover as we can’t rest (DC are 1&3) and we do resent it at times like these.