To wonder whether we should have kids

[moveblues]

DH and I are both in our mid/late 30s. We are quite lost about what to do about having kids.

I'm quite a driven person and I like to put a lot of my energy into work because I do something I'm passionate about. My mother always used to tell me never to have kids (lovely huh!) but I think it stuck and I really struggle to picture myself as a mum. I also have bad knees and worry about the toll of pregnancy, and I need to lose ideally 2 stone before if we do.
But then I do wonder how being a parent would change me, quite possibly for the better, and whether I would miss out on giving that level of love to another human!

DH is not really bothered. We both really like a life where we can pretty much do what we want when we want, don't have to pay nursery fees etc (which would etch a lot out of our income!)

Obviously no one can decide this for us but we are both really umming and ahhing and we need to do it soon if we are going to!
If you've been through this - what helped you?

I think if people had hindsight lots wouldn't have had children but we love them more than anything !!!

@WilsonMilson Terrible reason to have children. Because you don’t want to be lonely in your old age?! How selfish.

Quite often those of us without children are labelled as selfish. I chose not to have children because I have a great life and the things I love and appreciate in life, the things that make me feel like my life is fulfilling and joyful would be lost, or I wouldn’t be able to do them in the same way. Therefore, I probably wouldn’t be the best parent as I may have resented this and I’d hate a child to pick up on that. I also considered the fact I live quite an ethical and sustainable life (this is important to my DP too), which would be more difficult with children. Plus, the world definitely doesn’t need more people!

Most people have children just because: “I want kids”.

I know which one of those stances is more selfish!

Don’t have kids, not in this horrific world. Don’t do it, enjoy your life because honestly life isn’t enjoyable with kids. I’m am anxious wreck since having my DD.

The impending environmental doom is absolutely top of my list of reasons not to bring a small person into this world.
We have thought about this quite a lot. Together.
I've been so busy with study though we haven't really had time to properly decide til now, hence the question.

Don't do it. The future for the planet is utterly bleak.

@sarahandduck12

Def don’t unless you really want them - it’s fucking hard. We have all been poorly with various things for 2 months now. DH and I can’t recover as we can’t rest (DC are 1&3) and we do resent it at times like these.

This comment, in spades. Also consider how you'll share the load when it comes to the inevitable days off when your child can't attend nursery or school..... only so many times employers will be happy for repeated absences.

This thread is miserable as sin.

@ED81

This thread is miserable as sin.

I think reality needs pointing out. When you're in a biological clock fog, it can be difficult to contemplate the mundane practicalities of having a child and its impact on your life.

I have a few female friends who weren't sure and now love them and say they don't know what they'd do without them.

Honestly, in your shoes, I wouldn’t do it.

It is life-changing and I think, to do a good job, you should really, really want them.

The other thing is, you have no idea who/what the stork’s going to deliver.

We have two delightful, easy kids - but there’s really no guarantees in life. My BF’s son has autism and their life has changed beyond all recognition.

Our friends’ kids (and kids’ friends) are just hitting their teens, and the number who’ve had serious mental health issues to deal with at this young age is, I have to admit, surprising. Some truly heart-breaking issues to deal with.

It’s all this side of things that you can’t predict or control.

@WilsonMilson

I’m quite surprised by these responses. I think having children is the single most meaningful and fulfilling thing you can do in your life. It’s not easy at times, but it’s absolutely worth it. My regret is not having another, bit too old now. It’s a potentially lonely old age without children and grandchildren.

It’s really not. I think that demeans the lives of those that chose not to have, or can’t have. Life can be fulfilling and meaningful without having a child. I have one, one is more than enough, god knows I love her, but equally if I had never had children my life would still have been great.

I think reality needs pointing out.

Yes, but with the caveat that everyone's experiences are different. Some people's experience of parenting is miserable. For others, it's a joy.

I didn’t want kids as my Mum said it would ruin my life. My ex and I weren’t going to ever have them and I was happy with that.
My now Dh really wanted them so I agreed. Best thing I ever did. I adore being a Mum.

@AlexaShutUp

I think reality needs pointing out.

Yes, but with the caveat that everyone's experiences are different. Some people's experience of parenting is miserable. For others, it's a joy.

Absolutely. It's different for everybody but I do think the logistical aspects need more talking about. Paying just shy of a grand a month towards nursery.. for example.

Don't do it. It's fucking miserable.

Having kids is wonderful and exhausting. If you’re not sure, don’t. There are plenty ways to be fulfilled and contribute.

@ED81

This thread is miserable as sin.

It really is isn't it

As miserable as waking repeatedly in the night.... never getting a lie in... dealing with behaviour.... yep.

I always wanted kids. Then I had one with someone 18 years older than me, it was bound to end in disaster (and it did).
Then I had 2 more with my current partner. I spend an awful lot of my time thinking I wish I'd done x, y & z and not had kids. Then I realise the everyday stress of having young children is the reason why I wish I'd lived life differently.
Don't get me wrong, I love them, but it is incredibly hard and you cannot take it back at all. I know as they get older it'll get better (until puberty, god help us all) but until then it's one huge chaotic mess.

Lol what is this meme about ‘if you’re not 100% sure then don’t’

I wasn’t maternal and wasn’t too bothered about kids ended up with one and then another and love it.

Know ppl who 100% wanted kids and are absolutely miserable and wish they hadn’t

You can’t know until you do it. Unhelpful but there it is

Maybe do a weekend of babysitting? It is all consuming

I always wanted kids, from a young age they were always part of my 'plan'. Thought I'd have a house full (come from a big family). Have one dc due to fertility issues. Having my daughter is the best thing I've ever done. A million times more rewarding (for me) than my career and academic achievements. I know I am very lucky, but my dc has been so easy to parent. She's just a joy, every day (and I mean that). We haven't quite reached teenage years though so I'm not holding my breath....

Having one has meant (for us) that my career or lifestyle hasn't suffered. I am still 'me' but I just have the added bonus of the love of a little person which is incredible.

Everyone's circumstances and lives are different so you need to weigh up what you're willing to adjust to (in a worse case scenario), and be realistic about how hard parenting CAN be. I grew up with lots of young babies and had nieces and nephews (very hands on auntie) before I had one, and whilst it's obviously not the same thing as being a parent, it does give you an insight into the joy but also the drudgery.

Please don't have children if you don't actively want them and will want to do what it takes to raise well adjusted, healthy, interested in everything children. Please, just don't.

I work in a primary school. Some of what I see makes me so sad, so many people who clearly don't understand what it means to bring children into the world and willingly put them first.

I have always wanted children.

Had our first child this year. Love him more than words can say.

But there are also no words to describe how utterly relentlessly and seamlessly overwhelmingly tough it is.

It’s different for everyone. But oh my god, personally... nothing could have prepared me.

My life is unrecognisable.

But I still love it.

Maybe it’s tough because I’m determined to do the best I can... and it’s tough doing the best you can when you’re chronically sleep deprived and have no life.

Every day I try to make sure he feels how loved, wanted and brilliant he is to me/ us.

Whatever you do, if you decide to have them, make sure you do anything you want to do/ that’s important to you (that you won’t be able to do with kids) before going ahead! The list is long!!

Good luck :)

Do not have them unless you are sure you want them.

You have to want them enough to give up lots of things you love for them, and feel at the end of the day that you absolutely wouldnt have it any other way