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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would visit a dying relative if they were unconscious on a ventilator?

172 replies

CovidLungsGiveMeHopePlease · 05/11/2021 19:29

Sorry, I know IABU to ask the question but thought it would get more views here.

My DF is on a ventilator. His chances of survival are low. If he is still there in 10 days time he will be allowed visitors. Or if he's not going to make it we will be offered a goodbye visit Sad.

I'm reluctant to visit as my last memory of him is him healthy, hugging and telling each other we loved each other. I'm really not sure if I want to replace this with an image of him on a ventilator 😭. I know he would HATE me going to visit and crying all over him, and I'm not sure I could see him and hold it together.

On the other hand, I don't want to feel guilty forever for not taking my last opportunity to see him.

AIBU not to go?

OP posts:
endofagain · 05/11/2021 19:32

I would, because hearing is the last sense to go and I would talk to them.

Pumpkinsonparade · 05/11/2021 19:33

I went and sat with my dgm until she fell into unconsciousness.. She knew I had tickets to a concert that night and had made me promise I wouldn't miss it...
Felt rubbish but kept my promise..
I rang the ward when I got home and she had just died...
No regrets sitting a while and none for keeping my word either
.

TheCanyon · 05/11/2021 19:33

I know in that situation I would be so conflicted but no I don't think I would or even could. I'd rather remember the happy healthy times. BUT I can compartmentalise quite easily so I wouldn't beat myself up later.

Be easy on yourself Flowers

HBomberGal · 05/11/2021 19:35

As said above, hearing is the last sense to go. I'd go in and talk to him - doesn't matter whether I know he could hear or not. It's what would feel right to me.

StoneofDestiny · 05/11/2021 19:35

Yes I would - he may still hear you and you may regret not going. However if you are not up to it, don't be pressured. We are all different.

unnumber · 05/11/2021 19:35

I think I would, because you won't be able to undo not going. And you'll still have the happy memories too. Hope you may get good news Flowers

Surreyhillsbutnobike · 05/11/2021 19:36

I have seen my father on a ventilator and -whilst only you know what is right for you - I wouldn’t have wanted it to be my last memory, it was not as I had expected. Horrible situation for you, very sad

Willyoujustbequiet · 05/11/2021 19:37

Go.

They say hearing is one of the last senses to go. Both my parents were unconscious at the end and I'm convinced they knew I was there. I wouldn't want them to be alone.

Comedycook · 05/11/2021 19:37

I think you should go...you will regret it if you don't Flowers

mbosnz · 05/11/2021 19:37

Same as endofagain, I'd like to think he heard my voice, sensed my presence and felt my goodbye.

Hothammock · 05/11/2021 19:39

I would be glad I made the effort to say goodbye in person.
If you choose not to go I think you need to have real reasons and I not sure you have really given them in your post. Whether you actually see him on a ventilator or not and have that memory or not, doesn't change the reality that this is where he is and what he has experienced. You will know that so how does avoiding visiting help you cope with that knowledge. All it really means is you didn't go visit him, not that he wasn't in that state.

And you can't say he would hate for you to visit him. He is unable to tell you want he wants or needs at this point so how could you possibly know that. Whatever he said in the past he would not have have known the reality of this situation; no one can truly predict this.

Sorry if this seems harsh but better not to have regrets built on shaky reasons.

SturminsterNewton · 05/11/2021 19:39

Sometimes I remember my mum's death, wired up in hospital, more than strongly than her life. When my dad was dying in a similar state I didn't visit (my brother did though and that was a factor). My dad wouldn't have known I was there and I wanted to remember him as he was, a funny, kind, vibrant man.

Everyone's different though, I hope you find the right way for you OP.

Lbnc2021 · 05/11/2021 19:40

My dad died 2 months ago, I seen him the day before he died on a ventilator and the next day as he died. I would have had life long regret if I had f seen him. I’m 100% sure he knew I was there. He did look a bit different to what he usually looked like but that quickly passed and when I think of him I just remember my lovely dad. Please go. Sending loving thoughts to you xx

MauveMavis · 05/11/2021 19:41

My cousin's didn't go and visit my dying grandmother in a similar situation. They hadn't seen her for ages and she had been asking for them before she became quite so unwell.

Their rationale was that they wanted to remember her as she was.

Their relationship with my siblings and I is now non-existent (we were previously close). We all went and did our bedside stint. It isn't great but it is what you do.

cptartapp · 05/11/2021 19:41

I wouldn't go.
You say he'd hate you to go. There's your answer. I wouldn't want my Dc to see me like that either.
I never saw either of my DP after death (one very sudden) and I'd seen many bodies and have worked in ICU as a nurse. No regrets many years on.

Notonthestairs · 05/11/2021 19:42

I think it might be a good idea to talk to the nurses first and ask what it will be like. If you go make sure you are prepared as you can be.

I went to see my mother after she died. It wasn't great. BUT that's not how I remember her. I think of her laughing, reading, cooking etc etc. Those are the memories I cherish and they sort of override the difficult ones.

Original poster
CovidLungsGiveMeHopePlease · 05/11/2021 19:43

@Hothammock

I would be glad I made the effort to say goodbye in person. If you choose not to go I think you need to have real reasons and I not sure you have really given them in your post. Whether you actually see him on a ventilator or not and have that memory or not, doesn't change the reality that this is where he is and what he has experienced. You will know that so how does avoiding visiting help you cope with that knowledge. All it really means is you didn't go visit him, not that he wasn't in that state.

And you can't say he would hate for you to visit him. He is unable to tell you want he wants or needs at this point so how could you possibly know that. Whatever he said in the past he would not have have known the reality of this situation; no one can truly predict this.

Sorry if this seems harsh but better not to have regrets built on shaky reasons.

It's something we spoke about a while ago. He said he wouldn't want me to see him like that. After surgery a couple of years ago he wouldn't let us visit til he was conscious. But I appreciate what you're saying- he fully expected to wake up that time. You've given me pause for thought, thank you.
OP posts:
MissTrip82 · 05/11/2021 19:43

I was with my father when he died. Afterwards I was surprised by how many people (much older than me) hadn’t been with their parents as they died because they found it upsetting or didn’t want that to be their lasting memory. His death isn’t my lasting memory - it was for about six months, then that faded.

Now I work with people who are ventilated and around 15% die. I talk to them in case they can hear me, as do most staff. However it is very common for family members to feel that they can’t be there and that’s ok. If it’s not something you can do there are other ways to honour and commemorate your dad.

MatildaTheCat · 05/11/2021 19:43

I would because he may be able to hear and have enough awareness to know a loved one is there. He may have some sense of having his hand held, to hear some favourite music or memories.

It’s painful to do but can be a profound connection.

I’d take advice from the staff as well. I visited a relative who had suffered a major brain injury and had no sense that she knew I was there.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Watchingyou2sleezes · 05/11/2021 19:44

We're all different. I'd say go and say good bye. Your"better" memories will always be stronger. Maybe he would feel your touch.

I wasn't a great fan of my dad, received news of a rapid decline, got a plane but got there 2 hours too late. I wish I'd been told the day before.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 05/11/2021 19:45

I would go.

I was with a relative while they died, unconscious, covered in tubes but they were eventually taken off. I’ve no idea if they heard me. I’m not going to lie, seeing him was shocking.

However it was very significant and has stayed with me. I feel like I honoured his death. I feel like I was there to ease his passing.

I nearly didn’t go. My memories are mostly of the good times now. I’m so pleased I did go.

HollowTalk · 05/11/2021 19:45

I would definitely go but I wouldn't want to see it as saying goodbye. I think that would be devastating.

I would go and hold his hand and talk to him and try to make myself believe that I would see him again.

HazelandChacha · 05/11/2021 19:46

I’ve seen a loved on on a ventilator. My loved one is still with us, if I’d been told it would be the last time I’d see them I would still want to have the opportunity to hold their hand, kiss their cheek and tell them how much I loved them -even though I was told by the horrible male nurse that they couldn’t hear me. I’m a sentimental softie and I would feel guilt forevermore if I didn’t go.

If you are reluctant to go then don’t, and don’t feel guilty. Keep the happy memories you have of how they were and save upsetting yourself Flowers

MenoMom · 05/11/2021 19:47

I held my dads hand as he passed away, I doubt he knew I was there but it meant so much to me that I could be there for him. It was very peaceful. I think you should go, you could regret it if you don’t. You’ll still have all your good memories.

Evesgarden · 05/11/2021 19:48

I nearly lost my lovely nan just before the covid outbreak to pneumonia and she was heavily sedated. They thought she wouldn't pull through and I visited nearly every day. She didn't have her teeth in and didn't look like my lovely nan at all.

She pulled though and was adamant she could hear the doctor discussing DNR with another nurse Shock

She is still going strong smoking her vape looking out the window (89)

Go and see him OP