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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would visit a dying relative if they were unconscious on a ventilator?

172 replies

CovidLungsGiveMeHopePlease · 05/11/2021 19:29

Sorry, I know IABU to ask the question but thought it would get more views here.

My DF is on a ventilator. His chances of survival are low. If he is still there in 10 days time he will be allowed visitors. Or if he's not going to make it we will be offered a goodbye visit Sad.

I'm reluctant to visit as my last memory of him is him healthy, hugging and telling each other we loved each other. I'm really not sure if I want to replace this with an image of him on a ventilator 😭. I know he would HATE me going to visit and crying all over him, and I'm not sure I could see him and hold it together.

On the other hand, I don't want to feel guilty forever for not taking my last opportunity to see him.

AIBU not to go?

OP posts:
reesewithoutaspoon · 05/11/2021 19:49

Do what's right for you. Being on a ventilator isn't pleasant, its why heavy duty pain relief and sedation are given.
Only you know whether you could handle seeing your dad like that, and whether that memory would be something you could live with.
What matters is that you spent a life together. he loves you and he knows that you love him.

MrsFoxyplease · 05/11/2021 19:49

Quite honestly, I'm not sure I could.
I wouldn't want my children to see me like that.

trumpisagit · 05/11/2021 19:49

I am sorry to hear about your Dad.

My Dad and I went to see my Mum for a urgent goodbye. She was on a ventilator and her organs were failing. It was horrendous.

On the other hand I couldn't have not have gone, and have her die alone.

Will your other relatives be there?

I felt it was the only thing I could do for her, but do expect it to be a bit traumatising.

Lulu1919 · 05/11/2021 19:51

For a child or parent or grandparent I would...even just to whisper I loved them
Anyone else would depend on how close we were ...
I'd visit my close friends in this situation too ...but possibly not a work colleague

Paranoidandroidmarvin · 05/11/2021 19:51

I held my granddad hand while he died. I have no idea if he could hear me or not I just couldn’t bear the thought of him dying alone. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done but I don’t regret it. I hope he could hear me.
I was talking to him about his family , children his workshop etc. I wanted his last words that he could /maybe hear to be if things he loved.

HappyDays40 · 05/11/2021 19:53

Your dad is the important one right now not you. You have a whole lifetime of living to do. It's the least we can do for our loved ones IMHO.

Shmithecat2 · 05/11/2021 19:54

I would go. My dad and I took shifts day and night to sit with his mother, my beloved nan, when she was dying. We didn't know how aware she was of anything, but the thought of her possibly knowing she was alone was in itself unbearable. It was peaceful and she just looked asleep. I'd do it again. I wouldn't however go and see a someone in the chapel of rest again. I did that once nearly 5 years ago and it still haunts me, I regret it massively. It was an unexpected and untimely death though, so that may be influencing my feelings about that. I hope you make the right decision for you. Flowers

WakeUpLockie · 05/11/2021 19:54

My grandma recently died, she was more or less unconscious for 20 days and on palliative care for 10. Relatives said she wouldn’t know who I was, so any visit would be for me. So I didn’t go, as you say, I’d rather not have that memory of her.

thatonehasalittlecar · 05/11/2021 19:54

I would - and have - gone in similar circumstances. Although I remember seeing my loved one in the hospital ICU, it’s not my overriding or strongest memory.

I’m glad I had the opportunity to speak to them, and tell them how much they meant to me.

Although your father may have not wanted you to see him like that before he’s in that situation, I bet most dads would give anything to see their kids one last time before they die, so his mind may be different now.

Apparently a lot of people wait and hold on until they’re given ‘permission’ to go; it was certainly my experience.

Verfremdungseffekt · 05/11/2021 19:56

Yes, I would.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 05/11/2021 19:57

My last, and over-riding memory of my lovely grandma is of her unconscious, wired up to machines and ventilated.

In life she was a vibrant, energetic and very able lady. It makes me desperately sad that whilst I have decades of memories of her, this is the one I automatically go back to.

Don't go op. Life is for the living. He knows you love him, and you know he loves you. Remember him well, and alive.

colouringindoors · 05/11/2021 19:57

I would definitely go. Couldn't bear the thought of him being alone. It will only be one memory of many.

Ispini · 05/11/2021 19:57

Absolutely go. Nothing is more important than doing this, you would always wonder if you had done the right thing.

I bet you will be OK, it will comfort him and you’ll find strength you didn’t know you had.
So sorry for what you are going through. 💐

Firsttimemummy33 · 05/11/2021 19:58

I would but understand it’s a personal choice and would never judge anyone who didn’t. So sorry for your situation

Knitwit101 · 05/11/2021 19:59

I would. And have for other family members. I just didn't want them to be on their own.

But it's not about us op it's about you and what feels right for you.

Take care

AlternativePerspective · 05/11/2021 19:59

And you can't say he would hate for you to visit him. He is unable to tell you want he wants or needs at this point so how could you possibly know that. Whatever he said in the past he would not have have known the reality of this situation; no one can truly predict this. I’ve been on a ventilator and I can say 100% that I wouldn’t want anyone to feel that they had to be there.

It’s not for anyone to judge. ICU is not for the faint-hearted and seeing someone on a ventilator is a shocking experience.

My mum still has flashbacks to me being on one 5 years ago, and my DS has essentially obliterated it from his memory, and I’m still here to tell the tale.

Also, if you’re going to say goodbye does that mean that you would be there while the ventilation is withdrawn? My DP was with his brother while his life support was removed and it was a deeply upsetting experience for him and for his brother’s partner.

You have to do what is right for you, but regardless of what other people say there is no right or wrong answer.

steff13 · 05/11/2021 20:01

I couldn't not give him one last hug. My mom was unconscious for a couple of days before she passed away, and I was holding her hand when she did.

seven201 · 05/11/2021 20:03

Don't feel obliged to go, but I'd go. I watched my early 60s mum die from brain cancer. It's not a nice thing to see, but personally I'm glad I was there. It's such a personal decision. I liked talking to her even though she couldn't respond.

Member984815 · 05/11/2021 20:03

Yes, I would but I'd understand if someone didn't it's a very personal choice

Original poster
CovidLungsGiveMeHopePlease · 05/11/2021 20:03

@steff13

I couldn't not give him one last hug. My mom was unconscious for a couple of days before she passed away, and I was holding her hand when she did.
I doubt very much I'd be able to hug him due to all the wires and tubes Sad
OP posts:
Pascal80 · 05/11/2021 20:04

I would go and just talk to him about good things that happened recently, and good memories from the past, and tell him you love him. A lot of doctors and neurologists believe a patient in such a situation can hear and understand. I wouldn't go if it was to cry over him because he may well hear, be distressed but unable to communicate it. Sorry for what you are going through.

Dailywalk · 05/11/2021 20:04

I would go. I don’t think you will regret going but what if you regret not going?
I’m sorry. It’s an awful position to be in.

Mommybunny · 05/11/2021 20:04

I’m from a big immediate and extended family, and when my father was taken off a ventilator and we knew he wasn’t coming back we were lucky enough to be able to put him in his own reasonably large room in the hospital where family and friends came in and out all day. Some brought sandwiches and snacks and drinks. No alcohol though - it was the only thing otherwise lacking from a normal family party!

A few of the friends and relatives in the room had some medical training and together they all moved him to make him more comfortable. There were sporting matches on the TV in the background and lots of laughs and tears. Cousins came from hundreds of miles away to sit with us and say goodbye. Most of those cousins weren’t his direct relations - they were related through my mother - but he’d been in their lives so long he was as family as could be. He passed away that night with my mother and sister in the room.

It was exactly what he would have wanted, and a huge comfort to my mom and the rest of my immediate family. Gives me a lump in my throat just remembering it all, from almost six years ago.

OP, you need to do what’s best for you and your relationship, and of course now you won’t be able to have lots of people around like we did, but I think you’re more likely to regret not saying goodbye than doing it.

So sorry you’re going through this. It’s really shit.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/11/2021 20:05

I would. I never saw my Mam before she died in hospital and its hard to cope with. I wasn't allowed to because of Covid restrictions

RhubarbCustardy · 05/11/2021 20:06

If someone said that you weren't allowed to see him (for instance when the pandemic was at its worse, which I know its getting like that now anyway again) how would you feel? That might tell you what you need to do for you. After all, you're going to be left to deal with this once he has gone. I'm sorry that you're Dad is unwell.Take care.