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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would visit a dying relative if they were unconscious on a ventilator?

172 replies

CovidLungsGiveMeHopePlease · 05/11/2021 19:29

Sorry, I know IABU to ask the question but thought it would get more views here.

My DF is on a ventilator. His chances of survival are low. If he is still there in 10 days time he will be allowed visitors. Or if he's not going to make it we will be offered a goodbye visit Sad.

I'm reluctant to visit as my last memory of him is him healthy, hugging and telling each other we loved each other. I'm really not sure if I want to replace this with an image of him on a ventilator 😭. I know he would HATE me going to visit and crying all over him, and I'm not sure I could see him and hold it together.

On the other hand, I don't want to feel guilty forever for not taking my last opportunity to see him.

AIBU not to go?

OP posts:
user1471543683 · 05/11/2021 20:40

My DF died in a hospice and was unconscious for days before. On the lead up to his death he had this horrendous snore and then the death rattle. I can't tell you how distressing the noises were but I would never have lived with myself if I hadn't been there at the end. It was like a closure for us all. Later family members went to the funeral home to see him but I chose not to and I'm still okay with that decision.

NoSquirrels · 05/11/2021 20:40

Please don’t let anyone else pressure you with “you’ll regret it” etc. Everyone is different; everyone’s relationship is different.

It's something we spoke about a while ago. He said he wouldn't want me to see him like that. After surgery a couple of years ago he wouldn't let us visit til he was conscious.

Seems like you have a very good idea of his opinions on it.

I think you’ll know if you are offered the opportunity of a final visit if you want to take it or not. Until then I wouldn’t second guess myself. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

There is no ‘right’ answer. There is only the right answer for you.

I hope in 10 days he’s pulling through, and you have the chance to see him happy and healthy once more. Take care of yourself. Flowers

AdoptedBumpkin · 05/11/2021 20:41

I probably would, I would regret it more if I wasn't there.

user1471543683 · 05/11/2021 20:42

Also my friend lost both her parents 6 years apart and wasn't there for either as they were sudden. I feel she is so upset that she wasn't there and is struggling to come to terms with it

DukeofEarlGrey · 05/11/2021 20:42

I would go OP. I was able to sit with my DGM when she died in hospital and have always been so grateful that I was there. She wasn't really conscious but I think she knew I was with her. It was hard to see her in pain but when I remember her I push those memories aside and focus on the many happy memories I have instead, because I know she would want me to do that.

At the same time, any decision you make is ok here - there's no right or wrong.

Just10moreminutesplease · 05/11/2021 20:43

I think I’d be upset if my loved ones didn’t sit with me so on that basis would go no matter how hard it felt.

But If you’re sure that your dad wouldn’t want you to see him then that’s different.

Sorry you’re having to make this choice Flowers.

Fink · 05/11/2021 20:43

I would definitely go, and I have gone in similar circumstances. I wanted the chance to say goodbye and I didn't like the thought of relatives dying alone. But it hasn't tainted my memories of them, I still remember all the good times and how they were previously, seeing them all hooked up to machines and weakened/unconcious is a much weaker memory since it was for a relatively short time compared to all the years of memories of them being healthy.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/11/2021 20:44

AdoptedBumpkin

I probably would, I would regret it more if I wasn't there.“

If they had specifically asked you not to?

TheFnozwhowasmirage · 05/11/2021 20:45

We were very nearly in this situation about 10 days ago. My dad was very unwell in hospital,and it was so serious that they allowed both my mother and I in. The Dr was very clear that he was unlikely to survive,as the illness is serious in a healthy person,and my dad is 83 and already ill with other conditions. We agreed a DNR as he was too frail to withstand it. The illness was 100% fatal without and operation to try and resolve it,but he was too weak to be operated on,so it was looking very unlikely that he'd survive.
It was incredibly distressing to see him so ill, he was throwing up every few minutes and struggling to breathe,but I'm so glad I went.
Miraculously,he recovered enough for his op,and is due home tomorrow,the medical staff were amazed as his prognosis was so very poor,but I pointed out that he was riding his bike to work every day and working on his farm before this,so was very fit.
Personally,I couldn't have lived with myself if I hadn't gone,and he'd died,but other people may feel differently. It isn't easy.

nevisbump · 05/11/2021 20:50

I've been with a few family members when they gave passed away. It's hard but I don't focus on that day and remember the person they were and the good times.

However that was my choice and you need to decide what is best for you. Hugs it's a hard time and be easy on yourself

Original poster
CovidLungsGiveMeHopePlease · 05/11/2021 20:50

To be fair, I think he was thinking of me, as he knows I'd find it very difficult to see him looking so poorly.

Thank you for your replies. Flowers to all who've lost loved ones x

OP posts:
OnTheBoardwalk · 05/11/2021 20:51

Your dad asked you not to be there. I would respect his opinion. Don’t make it about you not him like other people seem to think on this thread

I really would not want people I lovearound me in my final moments. It’s my choice.

My mum was at her mothers bed for weeks the minute she left for a break she died. I reckon it was planned like that

Saying that my mother has never forgiven me, after a routine op, me waking up seeing her and saying she was like a vulture hovering over me 😂

Do what to need to do

Ledition · 05/11/2021 20:51

I'm so sorry OP it's an incredibly difficult situation to be in Flowers personally with a family member as close as a parent I definitely would want to be there. I would hope it "could" possibly provide some element of comfort to the person just incase they had some level of awareness and would just want to be there with them at the end. It also might be slightly easier for you to accept as IME I've always found it surreal when loved ones have passed away when I haven't been there, it's quite a hard thing to accept but with other family memebers when I was there at the end there's an element of acceptance and a peacefulness that goes with knowing you were holding their hand until the end.

It really is up to you though and what you feel comfortabke with. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Best wishes x

Sorrynotsorry2 · 05/11/2021 20:52

No one can you what to do . Its totally your decision.

My dad died last year of covid . We were not giving the chance to say goodbye. If I could of. I would of been there in a second . At least I would of known he wouldn't have been alone without his family by his side .
Go with your gut feeling. If you want to remember him the last way you saw him then that's ok too.

longtompot · 05/11/2021 20:54

My dad has said he regretted being with his mum when she died. I think it was traumatic and that is the last image he has been left of her. This is why when his youngest sister died he didn't go and see her when she passed away.
Ultimately the choice is yours op. I think if the hearing is the last to go and it were me on the bed I would live to hear the voices of my loved ones as I pass, but I am not here afterwards to deal with anything, so would leave it up to them.

Original poster
CovidLungsGiveMeHopePlease · 05/11/2021 20:54

@TheFnozwhowasmirage

We were very nearly in this situation about 10 days ago. My dad was very unwell in hospital,and it was so serious that they allowed both my mother and I in. The Dr was very clear that he was unlikely to survive,as the illness is serious in a healthy person,and my dad is 83 and already ill with other conditions. We agreed a DNR as he was too frail to withstand it. The illness was 100% fatal without and operation to try and resolve it,but he was too weak to be operated on,so it was looking very unlikely that he'd survive. It was incredibly distressing to see him so ill, he was throwing up every few minutes and struggling to breathe,but I'm so glad I went. Miraculously,he recovered enough for his op,and is due home tomorrow,the medical staff were amazed as his prognosis was so very poor,but I pointed out that he was riding his bike to work every day and working on his farm before this,so was very fit. Personally,I couldn't have lived with myself if I hadn't gone,and he'd died,but other people may feel differently. It isn't easy.
Wow! I'm so glad to hear your dad pulled through despite the odds, that's amazing. While there is life there is hope...
OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 05/11/2021 20:58

why? Without sounding too crass, it’s the person who is left behind who is going to be left with the memory of having to see their loved one connected to tubes and monitors and let’s be honest,not really there because they’re so deeply sedated that they have no knowledge of the world around them.

I agree.
There is no need to guilt trip.

The reason people go to see people on their deathbed/funeral is to ease their own conscience but if you are not comfortable doing that then that is absolutely fine. He will know you loved him because you were there for him when he was alive.

Poppop4 · 05/11/2021 20:58

My dad was on a ventilator, I went to be with him at the first opportunity I could. I talked to him, told him I loved him and held his hand. I explained to him that he was on a ventilator and promised him that once I’d heard all the relevant medical information I would make sure I made the right decision based on what he’d want. We turned his ventilator off an hour later and he died within 7 minutes.
I have no regrets.
I talked to him, told him don’t worry it’s ok he can go sleep. I told him I’d look after my grandmother and my brother and that I just wanted him to sleep now.
It’s was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever done but it was without a doubt the right thing.
I’m so glad I got to see him one more time

CountTessa · 05/11/2021 20:58

Yanbu for not wanting to go. You are not unreasonable for changing your mind. As the time draws closer you may want to connect with him. Keep a flexible approach but don't feel guilty about what your choice is. Hope his last days are peaceful.

MereDintofPandiculation · 05/11/2021 21:00

My mother died after a long illness and was in a pretty dire state. As the years have gone by, I find most of my memories were of her younger and healthy self. Your last view of someone doesn't push everything else out.

shinynewapple21 · 05/11/2021 21:00

I would go. Definitely.

Original poster
CovidLungsGiveMeHopePlease · 05/11/2021 21:01

Poppop4 Flowers
That must have been heartbreaking. What a wonderful daughter you were x

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 05/11/2021 21:03

I've seen two relatives on ventilators but some of my other relations didn't come to see them but did turn up to support their closest love ones as soon as they were dead.

I was worried for the mental health of a couple of them if they had turned up. This is because the person on the ventilator was long gone and also I knew they wouldn't have wanted people to suffer because they suffered.

So don't be guilted into seeing him, especially if he is the type of person who you know wants the best for you.

FOJN · 05/11/2021 21:03

Please do what is right for you.

I'm reluctant to visit as my last memory of him is him healthy, hugging and telling each other we loved each other. I'm really not sure if I want to replace this with an image of him on a ventilator

I don't blame you for feeling this way at all. If you don't visit you MAY regret it but if you do you will never be able to erase the image of your dad on a ventilator. I was with my mum when she died (not ventilated), she was a strong and feisty woman but I will never be able to forget how vulnerable and diminished she was by her illness. Nearly six years later the manner of her death haunts me and I struggle to find the memories of her full of life. I was glad to be there holding her hand so she wasn't alone but that does not change how much it affected me then and now.

I worked in ICU for many years so I have cared for many people who could not survive their illness or injuries, the staff will do all they can to accommodate you. If you wanted to record a good bye message then the nurses will make sure your dad hears it (or they certainly would have done in the units I worked in) or you could write a letter for a family member to read. Most nurses would feel privileged to do that for you if that's what you wanted.

Whatever decision you make will be the right one. Flowers

uncomfortablydumb53 · 05/11/2021 21:06

I would and did.In time the memories of her on the ventilator were replaced by happy memories of her
As pp said I was told hearing is the last sense to go, and I did sense she was " there" if that makes sense.