To ask if you would visit a dying relative if they were unconscious on a ventilator?

[CovidLungsGiveMeHopePlease]

Sorry, I know IABU to ask the question but thought it would get more views here.

My DF is on a ventilator. His chances of survival are low. If he is still there in 10 days time he will be allowed visitors. Or if he's not going to make it we will be offered a goodbye visit .

I'm reluctant to visit as my last memory of him is him healthy, hugging and telling each other we loved each other. I'm really not sure if I want to replace this with an image of him on a ventilator 😭. I know he would HATE me going to visit and crying all over him, and I'm not sure I could see him and hold it together.

On the other hand, I don't want to feel guilty forever for not taking my last opportunity to see him.

AIBU not to go?

My daughters and I sat with my husband while he died. When I found out that he wanted to die at home, I honestly thought I couldn't do it. And I didn't want to remember him in that way. But I'm so glad I did. And though I do have clear memories of it all, I generally remember him alive and fit and well. I only remember him sick and dying when I choose to for some reason.

I also sat with a much loved relative when she was on a ventilator and not expected to survive. I'm not going to say that it wasn't really hard to see her that way. But I'm glad I went. Amazingly she lived,.But had she not, I'm glad someone she loved was there for her. And I know that it remains something that she is so happy that I did for her. She had no other relatives able to go, and the fact that I travelled to be there, even though she can't remember it, means so much to her. It also helps her that I can answer questions about that time. It bothers her that it's a huge hole in her memory.

Not sure if this will apply in your case, but I went to visit relative who was sedated on a ventilator - the staff were able to reduce the sedation during my visit, such that within 20 minutes, the patient could open their eyes, respond and acknowledge what I was saying. If that helps you decide?

I am generally in favour of going - you only get that one opportunity sometimes...

I was with my mother as she was dying in the care home, and with her when she died. I found I was able to hold her hand, stroke her face, talk softly to her; (she was unconscious). It just came naturally, and I was with her when she died. And then I stayed with her body for a while, until the undertakers came.
I also went and visited her at the undertakers, when she was prepared for the funeral.
Of course, she did not look the same, but I think more about when she was alive. There are many times during the week, when something she said comes back to me, so these are my memories, not the dying.
That said, you should do what you feel is best, and if you feel you will not be able to cope, then do not go.
In fact, I always remember her when it is her birthday, not the date of her death.

I would go OP. As other PP said you can't undo it if you don't. I believe it wouldn't sully the good memories.

I would worry you will regret it if you don’t go which you’d never be able to take back however I’d not feel guilty for not going as it can be very traumatic.

If he pulls through then you can speak to him when he’s better or if he does die then does it matter if you’re there or not? He might not hear your voice just before he dies but then he’ll die and it won’t matter, so you’ll have nothing to feel guilty about.
If you believe in the afterlife then you can talk to him once he’s passed.

You could try and think of a compromise.
Maybe see him but don’t stay and explain why you’re not staying.
Or if a family member goes you could ring him so he can hear your voice but you don’t need to see him.

The prominence of memories isn't fixed. My dad was horribly disabled with a progressive brain disease to the extent that he was even losing the ability to swallow.
For a while after he died my memories were of him when he was very ill, plus relief that we were no longer having to cope with a very stressful situation, plus of course sadness.
Now I more often remember him as he was before he got ill, his sense of humour etc.
If you do decide to go an see him (and I think that is a very individual decision) it doesn't mean that will be your strongest memory of him forever.

Go. I sat with my dad two weeks ago. I thought at the time I would never get the image out of my head but it hasn't stuck as much as I thought it would. He could definitely hear us. Maybe I'm subconsciously blocking it out. It was all very sudden and we were only with him a couple of hours but for me personally I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. Hugs and a handhold.

I've sat with both my parents as they died. For both it took a long time after to get the image of them out of my head. But it's been 8 years since my dad died and I can't remember much of those final days. I just remember him normally again and all the happy memories. My mum only died 3 years ago but already I can picture her healthy more than I could for the first couple of years. The image of her in hospital on those final days took a good 2 years to start fading. And occasionally I still dream about it. So yes it was very difficult at the time but I'm still glad I was there for both of them.

Your dad is the important one right now not you. You have a whole lifetime of living to do. It's the least we can do for our loved ones IMHO. well, in my situation it being about me would be for my family not to have To witness me on a ventilator and then dying in front of them.

OP said she and her dad have had the conversation and he wouldn’t want her to see him like that. I wouldn’t. If my family chose to be there it would be for them not for me.

This kind of guilt trip is unnecessary.

Do what is best for you. I suspect that is what your Dad would prefer.

Yes, and I can never understand this mind set of "my last memory of them was happy and healthy so I don't really want to ruin that". Sorry but I find that incredible selfish. A few of my cousins did this when my grandparents were dying and one even stopped visiting them as soon as they went into a care home. I was and still am really angry at them.

Hi op,so sorry about your dad.
If you don't believe in life after passing don't read on.
My dear,lovely,fil was in hospital unable to respond or communicate in any way.
He passed away.
In a sitting with a medium he came through and said thank you for sitting and talking to him,the sound of our voices,which he knew so well,brought him great comfort and made him feel safe .
This came with much proof it was indeed him.
So I would say,yes,go.🌈

I'd go but would definitely not judge you if you didn't. We all have to decide for ourselves

Yes, and I can never understand this mind set of "my last memory of them was happy and healthy so I don't really want to ruin that". Sorry but I find that incredible selfish. why? Without sounding too crass, it’s the person who is left behind who is going to be left with the memory of having to see their loved one connected to tubes and monitors and let’s be honest,not really there because they’re so deeply sedated that they have no knowledge of the world around them.

The person they are going to visit is going to die, far beyond their own memories. They’re not going to remember in death that their family weren’t there at the moment the ventilator was switched off. But the people left behind are.

@RhubarbCustardy

If someone said that you weren't allowed to see him (for instance when the pandemic was at its worse, which I know its getting like that now anyway again) how would you feel? That might tell you what you need to do for you. After all, you're going to be left to deal with this once he has gone. I'm sorry that you're Dad is unwell.Take care.

That’s a good point.

A very close family member died this week and it was much harder not been able to go and see them (there still a no visit allowed at their hospital ) than being able to be there with them in that last day.

I hope I have many more years of my parents being around, however if and when the time comes if necessary I will be there. They 100% have been there through thick and thin for me. For me this means it doesn't matter how awful it would be for me I know the other way round they would never leave me alone.

My sister may be the opposite. When our grandparents were admitted to hospital/hospice she chose to not visit before or after they passed away.

For me again, I did it for them and also my own parents who needed support.

My sister's and I nursed my Mum through pancreatic cancer until she died. I hated seeing her like that but when I think of Mum my thoughts are often of when I was a child and she was much younger. I tend to remember nice occasions. It's weird but I struggle to remember what she looked like at very end. Do what you feel most comfortable with.

I would not be able to live with myself if I didn't go. As plenty of pp have said, they say the hearing is the last sense to go and if all he can hear is the beeping of the machine and the nurses scuttling around doing checks every now and then it would play on my mind and I'd think how lonely they must feel in the last moments, and it must be so scary 😥 I would want to talk and give them as much comfort as possible before they pass

I’d go because I’d want closure. I’d want to cuddle him and tell him he could go and be with his parents/family etc. Jut allowing them to go can apparently help ppl. Not sure I believe it, but it definitely did help my dm to leave this reality. I’m sorry you’re in this situation as it’s not at all nice for you

I sat next to my Grandad's body for ages on the floor (died at home eating breakfast) with my Gran, Mum and Aunty after he'd had a massive heart attack. We felt like, even though he'd just been declared dead, it was so soon after the fact that he might have been a tiny bit alive and we wanted to keep him company. We hugged him and cried and laughed that he had spilled his boiled egg on his cardigan. He always had a bit of gravy or egg or paint or something on his cardigan

Honestly, it was so helpful with dealing with the grief. I felt so much better that I'd been there in the transition between life and death. It wasn't sad, I mean it was, but I'm so glad I was called that he'd had a turn so I could race there and be there with him and my family. Sorry you are facing this, OP. Its much worse, IME, to be told of a death than to be there. That's just my opinion though x

If your Dad 'could' survive this go and see him and tell him how much you love him and that you're supporting him.

It could help and even if it doesn't, I'm
Sure you'll never regret stroking his hand and talking to him.

It's so tough and rubbish. I'm going through something similar right now so can really empathise.

It may be one of those things that you should go for his sake, so he can hear your voice and feel.comfort if he has any consciousness, rather than you own sake. However, it seems unusually like you've already discussed this exact scenario, in which case I think you would be absolutely right not to go. Could you ask a close family friend to go instead and either pass on your words via them, or they can let you know if it seems like a good idea for you to go? My condolences either way

Don't go.

I have lost both my parents, one to cancer and one far more suddenly.

I have horrible memories of my mum in her last days when she was terribly ill. It has taken years to have those memories sink and be replaced with the happier ones but they are still there. This couldn't have been avoided though - my mum was still with it and I couldn't have not seen her while she still recognised me and we could communicate.

My dad however has a sudden massive stroke and was technically brain dead. I could have gone to see him on a ventilator etc like you but I didn't feel there was any point. He was already dead to all intents and purposes. My last memories of him are like yours, of him hugging me and he was just like his old self. Those memories of him are very precious, I have never had to go through trying to forget seeing him ill.

It made no difference to him and I don't love him any less for not having seen him at the end.

Don't let everyone guilt trip you into seeing things you can't unsee.

I am very sorry for your loss, losing a parent is horrible.

I wouldn’t go because I know without a shadow of a doubt that my mum and stepdad would not want to be remembered that way.

I would. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my dear DH when he passed away suddenly in hospital. It was an accident, he was in a different country traveling for work at the time. I couldn't make it in time, it will always haunt me.