To ask if you would visit a dying relative if they were unconscious on a ventilator?

[CovidLungsGiveMeHopePlease]

Sorry, I know IABU to ask the question but thought it would get more views here.

My DF is on a ventilator. His chances of survival are low. If he is still there in 10 days time he will be allowed visitors. Or if he's not going to make it we will be offered a goodbye visit .

I'm reluctant to visit as my last memory of him is him healthy, hugging and telling each other we loved each other. I'm really not sure if I want to replace this with an image of him on a ventilator 😭. I know he would HATE me going to visit and crying all over him, and I'm not sure I could see him and hold it together.

On the other hand, I don't want to feel guilty forever for not taking my last opportunity to see him.

AIBU not to go?

I feel privileged to have been with my close relatives when they died. While they weren't responsive I still talked and played music to them. We made sure between family that they weren't left alone in the final days, taking it in turns to sit up at night and throughout the day. I would hate to have missed that time with them. My memories of them are not in the hospital. I have lovely photos of them around the house so those happier times are the memories I treasure.

While it is hard to see your loved ones dying, I think it's important to spend time with them. Even if we never know whether or not they can hear us, I'd hate to think of them being afraid on their own.

I would go.
My mum died after being on a ventilator for 11 days. I was there when she died, it will never leave me but In the last 2 years without her I’d say that’s the memory I think of least.

My dad only has a few days left.

He's at home with hospice care. Not on a ventilator but very unwell and in and out of consciousness.

I'm visiting every day. It's not easy some days but I don't want to look back and have regrets.

I thought yesterday was his last day so I was able to say everything I knew I'd regret if I didn't. And it has really brought me a lot of peace.

He can't talk anymore but he can move his hands and hear us. And I know it meant lots to him too. I played songs that mean things to us both. It was very special.

He's not the man he once was. But he's still him and I'll treasure this time. As tragic as it is for him to die so young and leave me without a father and my daughter without such a loving grandad this is the way his life is ending and I want it to be as positive as possible for us all.

Definitely would visit hold his hand, comfort him, tell him how much you love him. Hearing is the last thing to go.x

Me, my DM and my DB were with my dad when he passed away in ICU in June this year. We are all glad we were there to say what we wanted, tell him all we needed to and say goodbye. It is still very raw, it's not easy but I know he left hearing what we said and it helped us too as his passing was very peaceful.

It's totally up to you OP and I'm sending you hugs xx

Yes. My father died recently it was sudden I was there and before he was taking away we got to rub his hand, his hair and talk even more comfortable than we ever did before.
There was a strange feeling of peace.

I'm sorry.

My dad died during the first covid lockdown and we weren't allowed to visit he was unresponsive for over a week. The hospital gave us the number of the ward mobile phone and we were able to ring and they took the phone to him for us to say goodbye while they held the phone to his ear. It was a bit uncomfortable with the nurse listening but might that be worth asking the ward about?

You would then be fulfilling his request that you don't see him in that situation but you do get to say goodbye.

Take care.

Yes I would, i was a nurse for a long time and i'm pretty sure a lot of unconscious patients still have some awareness and hearing.

It's such a hard one. I was there when my DM died, and it haunts me. In many respects my memories of that scene are more powerful than the ones I have of her alive. However, she was just about conscious when I got there, and I can console myself that my personal misery over the stress of witnessing that is worth it - because she knew I was there.

I would avoid that situation again unless there was a strong reason to put myself through it. Obviously if the person was able to know I was there, or if some other family member was there who needed me. To be honest, the potential that "they can still hear you" would not be reason enough for me, but everyone is different.

Don't feel guilty whichever way you decide - its not like you just can't be arsed, the fact you deliberating over this so much shows that you care hugely.

I’ve already commented but will add, my mum was unconscious but the Dr said she was a 3 on the GCS (coma scale?). I knew she was close to the end, I got on the bed with her, held her, stroked her hair and said ‘it’s ok Mum, go if you need to, rest easy, love you’, 10 mins later she went. It was the saddest day of my life. But I am so, so relieved I was there, it has given me huge comfort over the last 8 years. I truly believe she heard me and knew I was there.

Absolutely i would

One of my parents died last year. They were ventilated. I am not at all haunted by the memories, I remember them as they were. So glad I was able to be with them as they died.

I had to do this on Tuesday,my mother was unconscious after a 3 week stay in hospital due to her cancer returning,I went in and spoke to her,held her hand gave her a final kiss and hug,told her my son's loved her and that we would look after each other,she passed away Wednesday night & I'm so glad I got to say my goodbyes I'd have been devastated if I didn't go honestly

I would. You could hold his hand and talk to him.

Thanks again for replies

It's not something any of us can judge actually as selfish as that may seem
It's probably different for an ill relative calling out for people who choose not to go but no one can judge really.
I was with dying relative for weeks and before that years earlier had visited in intense care which is bloody scary and traumatic.

I did and I'm glad I did. It meant that he didn't just disappear from my life, which although it was still so desperately sad, I found it 'easier' to accept and adjust to because I'd been there until the last moment.

My half sister was there whilst we watched them perform the second set of tests for brain function and she said she found it easier to accept that he was 'gone' than when she just never saw her own father again.

But whatever is right for you is what you should do. If you want to but are scared, I believe that the bravery in going will help you. But if you are certain that you don't want to see anything except him in full health and you're questioning whether what you actually know you want is wrong, then I think that you should go with that.

Yes I definitely would. Honestly, I think the most important thing is that the dying person isn't alone as he goes. I would want to hold his hand and talk to him, tell him how much I love him. Even though I know he knows! My feelings of discomfort wouldn't even come into it.

I think the most pertinent thing here is that you have had a conversation about this and he has expressed his wish.

For me, I couldn’t stay away in the last days of my dad’s life, difficult though it was for me. He’d give everything for us, being with him was a small thing in comparison and one that I think that he would have appreciated. But I had never had the conversation that you had had.

Agree with PPs that the memories of the last days - for me at least - fade and become a tiny part of a joyful life together.

I wish you all the peace and courage in the world. It’s a terrible thing to go through, and whatever opinions you seek, it’s a decision that only you can make and live with.

DD was unconscious on a ventilator for 8 days.

It was simultaneously so so hard to see her like that, but also unbearable for the times I had to leave her, I would never have forgiven myself if I wasnt there holding her hand if the worst had happened.

She came through it. I still struggle a bit with the memories of it, it sends shivers down my spine.

It's such a moving thread to hear people's experiences. I interpret a dad saying 'I wouldn't want you to see me like that' not as 'I don't want you there when I am ill/die' but more as 'you are my child and it makes me sad to imagine you seeing me like that and I want to protect you.' Which is natural. So, for me, I would still go. When close relatives have been in their last days I had a very strong urge to physically be there. Despite the intense emotion of it , I am profoundly glad I was. Experiencing the fear, love, intensity and also raw truth of death, is, I have come to feel, an essential and profound life experience. I think it is a mistake to hide from it because I think the living have a very important role to play in the process of their loved one's deaths. As someone upthread wrote, it is something akin to honouring their death, being witness to it, even if it is hard for us.

I would go.

I have been with my grandfather, mother and stepfather when they slipped away - all 3 were unconscious. I found it comforting and would hate to think my loved ones could have sensed my presence while on their deathbed and I didn’t offer that comfort to them. For me it’s the right thing to do but I wouldn’t judge those who can’t face it.

My father? I'd go, no question.
I didn't get to say goodbye but the last thing we said to one another was that we loved each other and not many get to say that when the other person dies suddenly.