To ask if you would visit a dying relative if they were unconscious on a ventilator?

[CovidLungsGiveMeHopePlease]

Sorry, I know IABU to ask the question but thought it would get more views here.

My DF is on a ventilator. His chances of survival are low. If he is still there in 10 days time he will be allowed visitors. Or if he's not going to make it we will be offered a goodbye visit .

I'm reluctant to visit as my last memory of him is him healthy, hugging and telling each other we loved each other. I'm really not sure if I want to replace this with an image of him on a ventilator 😭. I know he would HATE me going to visit and crying all over him, and I'm not sure I could see him and hold it together.

On the other hand, I don't want to feel guilty forever for not taking my last opportunity to see him.

AIBU not to go?

My DM sat with her own DM day in, day out, for over a week as she lay dying and unconscious. That's the example I would like to follow.

Yes I would

He doesn't want you there and you don't want to be there.
That's your answer.

Don't go. It doesn't matter what other people did or think. Their situations are different.

No. when my grandfather was in a coma and dying I decided to keep my last good memories of him. My DBro made the other decision and regrets it.

YANBU

You said he'd hate that scenario of people crying over him so there's no shame in doing what you think he'd prefer.

It's totally understandable if you want to preserve your memory of him.
I wish I hadn't seen my grandma just hours before she died. She didn't benefit from it and it made me feel awful to see her like that.

For all those reasons I wouldn't go now.

In a similar situation I sang to a relative

I didn't.

I made the decision not to travel to him (for various reasons. I had been to see him in hospital two weeks previously though) and now, several years later, I don't have any guilt over it.

You need to do what's right for you. Some people need that, some don't.

Having been there, I wish I hadn't seen my grandma like that. But I think I would have hated not having seen her one last time more, if you know what I mean? Like I'd rather have gone and regretted it (with the hope they knew I was there) than have wondered forever if I should have.

On the other hand, I last saw my grandad the last day he was conscious and talking. I knew when I left he was going to die soon (it was 2 days later), and I could have visited again in those 2 days he was unconscious, but he was an intensely private man and if he had been able to hear me there, he would have hated it. I was glad my last memory of him was him smiling and talking.

Which isn't helpful, I know! But I think you have to make a call, and be okay with it either way - neither is wrong.

Do what you want to do, don't be told by other people that you should do what was right for them or that you should do what they would do in your situation. I wouldn't go as I find hospitals really horrible, depressing brutal places, I still shudder remembering the few times I've visited people with my DH but that doesn't mean you shouldn't.

My mum recently died and we weren't allowed in due to covid restrictions. This means that the last time I saw her, I saw her dead body. This only happened a couple of months ago but I cannot remember that image of her. The last I remember, she was healthy and well. There is no right answer but now my mum is dead, I so wish I could have seen her and held her hand before she died. Sending you my thoughts.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. My father died earlier this year and I did not see him while he was in hospital. I am at peace with that as I made the right decision for me at that time. He understood too. I gave birth the day before he died and perhaps I could have done a bit more in hindsight but at the time I was at the limit of what I could cope with. I do wish I had visited during the preceding 3 weeks of his illness sometimes but I'm also kind enough to myself to recognise that I had reasons which I felt were good enough at the time not to travel and there's no point dwelling on it now. He knew I loved him and that's what matters. Give yourself permission to do whatever you think is best and be kind to yourself afterwards.

My nan passed recently and the last time i saw her she was lucid, we had a good conversation and in essence, said everything we wanted to say to each other. I had a further opportunity to see her once she had slipped into unconsciousness. I didn't go and see her. It sounds terrible, but i don't think she would have known i was there and i simply couldn't cope with that being the last image i had of her. She would have told me to do what i felt was right and like your dad, she wouldn't have wanted me to go if i would find it upsetting. I don't regret my choice.

I would go but visiting a dying relative is just as personal as people;'s birth choices or wedding choices. Ignore what other's would do - you know your relationship with your dad better than anyone - trust your instincts.

My mum was ventilated for nearly 3 months and I went most days. I couldn’t have stayed away, and do not really think about that time much now, just the happy memories. I’m glad I was there when she passed away, for me it was the right thing.

You can only do what feels right to you.
In July my Dad contracted Covid and ended up on a ventilator. We couldn't visit because of restrictions.
We were given time for a last visit and to turn off the ventilator. My son (early 20's), my brother, Mum and myself went. They didn't remove the tubing because of the risk of Covid - I am vunerable. Before we were taken in to see my Dad, my son decided he couldn't do this - and this was the right decision for him - he knew that none of us would be upset or anything if he didn't see his Grandad, and this was his choice and nobody elses.
I had to see my Dad - He'd been healthy before Covid, and to be honest I couldn't quite believe what was happening. There was no way I wasn't seeing him - and that's why all tubing was left in place whilst we were there.
To be honest, initially it was horrible to see him like that, but after a couple of minutes, I just didn't see the tubing. I fixed his hair, so it looked more like him, and held his hand. Me, Mum and my brother spoke to him, we told the nurses about him. Once they turned off the oxygen, he died in less than 1 minute. The next hardest part was leaving him.

I am so glad I had that last visit with my Dad - yes, I picture him on the ventilator, but that's not my overriding memory of him. I didn't want to see him at the funeral home - as I didn't want my last memory to be him lying in a coffin.

polarcub so sorry for your loss

And to everyone else who has lost a loved one.

My children yes, with it question.

My father, or anyone else (including my husband), no. If I could put my wishes down now, I would want no visits either in that situation.

Ultimately it’s your decision. You need to do what you feel best.

I truly believe people feel the presence of their loved ones. There are loads of examples of people ‘holding on’ until a family member get to the bed side. He needs your love to pass in piece. You will still have your memories of happier times.

Peace

I'm so sorry to read this - it's a very difficult time.
I agree about the hearing - when my dad was in his last few days and most of the time was in a morphine haze, we were sitting with him and on one occasion were doing a quiz. From nowhere, he piped up with "No, it's Embankment," after I'd said an answer incorrectly about an underground station.
The very last days were grim to witness, and for my mum, but they are not what I remember now. I remember the good days.

My dad died of cancer, in hospital. I really really didn't want my last memory of him to be in his last days and I really didn't want to go to the hospital to say goodbye.

In the end I did as I didn't want to regret not going, I sat with him and my mum all afternoon and listened to him breathe.

As I was leaving I kissed him and said "goodnight god bless" as he had every night my whole childhood and he said love you to me. First words he had said in days. He died the next day.

I know it won't be the same for you as he is on a ventilator but I know he knew I was there and now a year later i'm happy that I went.

I felt it fitting and quite comforting in a way that I witnessed my dad's last breath as he witnessed my first.