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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would visit a dying relative if they were unconscious on a ventilator?

172 replies

CovidLungsGiveMeHopePlease · 05/11/2021 19:29

Sorry, I know IABU to ask the question but thought it would get more views here.

My DF is on a ventilator. His chances of survival are low. If he is still there in 10 days time he will be allowed visitors. Or if he's not going to make it we will be offered a goodbye visit Sad.

I'm reluctant to visit as my last memory of him is him healthy, hugging and telling each other we loved each other. I'm really not sure if I want to replace this with an image of him on a ventilator 😭. I know he would HATE me going to visit and crying all over him, and I'm not sure I could see him and hold it together.

On the other hand, I don't want to feel guilty forever for not taking my last opportunity to see him.

AIBU not to go?

OP posts:
RockinHorseShit · 05/11/2021 21:06

I did & despite being called to her bedside to say our goodbyes, she somehow pulled through & was sat up talking for a few days & that time put a lot of bad stuff with her to rest. She knew I was there the whole time when my DB who was her golden boy wasn't. Sadly she caught a hospital acquired infection that took her quickly in her sleep a few days later, but those few days when we could talk, were very precious.

Even if your DF doesn't pull through, he will be able to hear you & know you are there. It's a tough thing to do, but you will find the strength & as hard as it is, it's a beautiful time too, one that you'll appreciate years down the line.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, it's never easy & I wish you much strength

Iamanicepersonreally · 05/11/2021 21:08

I would go, but you need to do what's right for you and him

PinkBuffalo · 05/11/2021 21:08

Op you need to do what is right for you Flowers
Like pps I visited my dad (not ventilated but heavily sedated and right near the end) this was at the end of a long drawn out process made 100% worse by a neglectful hospital
I have been left traumatised by it and cannot think of my dad at all even these years later without getting upset
I had to go to adovocate for him because of the neglect etc
But I really wish I had not witnessed all that
Your experience would probably be very different to mine, but I would never judge you if you did not feel you could go. Your dad loves you regardless from what you have told us ❤️

Furrydog7 · 05/11/2021 21:12

Do what feels right. I nearly lost my granddad to neumonia just before covid hit and i had nightmares about him been wired up to machines for weeks. Personally i wouldn't go the hospital if i ended up in the same situation again

Cosyblankets · 05/11/2021 21:13

I sat with both parents and my husband as they passed away.
I'll never forget any of those situations but it's not in any way my strongest memory and I'm glad I was there for each of them

HTH1 · 05/11/2021 21:17

Speaking as someone who has lost both parents to cancer (and was with them when they died), I think you should definitely be there for him.

A wise friend once said to me that, in these types of situations, you need to do the right thing so that you don’t have regrets (which make the grieving process a lot harder).

maddiemookins16mum · 05/11/2021 21:18

I would go.

Dishwashersaurous · 05/11/2021 21:21

I would, as horrendous as it will be, it will help you start to accept the process that he has actually gone.

My father died unexpectedly and I had to identify the body. More than a decade later the absolute shock of a completely healthy person to a mere body still makes me cry and shake.

Having even the slightest chance to help process it may help with your grief

Poppinjay · 05/11/2021 21:24

I visited my DDad in intensive care when he was unconsious and on a ventilator a week before he died. He came off the ventilator the next day and told me that he'd been able to hear me talking to him.

When he deteriorated again, I stayed with him, talking to him and holding his hand until the very end because I knew there was a chance that it would help him.

I would always be there so they could hear a familiar voice if I could.

losingthemind · 05/11/2021 21:25

My DF passed away recently, and by the time I got to the hospital he was not responsive at all. However when he first heard my voice his eyes opened wide briefly (I believe that he was scared as he knew that if I was there it was the end). And during his last breaths his eyes again opened wide and he was briefly with us. As distressing as it was I would absolutely make the same decision again, as I would have hated for him to be on his own at the end. It has not affected how I remember him at all.

RacketeerRalph · 05/11/2021 21:28

No. I chose to remember people as they were, not as the dying shell. I'd only do it if they were awake and it would be comfort to them.

MadeOfStarStuff · 05/11/2021 21:42

Sorry you’re going through this OP Flowers

I travelled to see my father a few years ago when he was in ICU on a ventilator and it was touch and go. Thankfully he pulled through and obviously covid wasn’t a complicating factor at the time either.

It was horrible seeing him like that, but I’m really glad I went. He doesn’t remember any of it but I know it means a lot to him that I went.

But it’s personal and if it’s not what you want or what your dad would’ve wanted, that’s completely okay. Whatever you decide, try to be kind to yourself over your decision.

glittereyelash · 05/11/2021 21:45

I know it's a very scary prospect. I was by my mother's side for the six weeks of her illness. She told me she wouldn't pass until all the people she wanted were by her side. She went into a coma four days before she died and gave many signs she wasn't ready to pass. When she did pass it was sorrounded by her family saying the rosary with a smile on her face. Go see your dad the end won't taint a lifetime of love and memories ♥️

whitehorsesdonotlie · 05/11/2021 21:45

Imagine you're on a ventilator. Would you want all your family to stay away, I for them to visit you?!

I'd go. You'll regret it if you don't. take care 💐

Mickarooni · 05/11/2021 21:48

@RacketeerRalph

No. I chose to remember people as they were, not as the dying shell. I'd only do it if they were awake and it would be comfort to them.
The thing is - and I’m not trying to guilt the OP - but people in that state often are aware on some level.

@CovidLungsGiveMeHopePlease I’m so sorry you’re facing this. Please go with what feels right for you. Flowers You know your dad and your relationship the best. Be kind to yourself.

NCForNosies · 05/11/2021 21:52

It was really horrible seeing my DM who had passed away by the time I got to the hospital, I'll never get that out of my head.

However, I think if I could change the circumstances and be there whilst she passed away or before, just to give her the assurance that I was there, I would. Just so she knew she was loved, that I appreciated her, that she did her best and that I'd be fine and she needn't worry about me, I'd give her that.

Despite how horrible it would be to remember that moment myself, I wouldn't think twice about it. Try and think about it from the perspective as if it were you where your DF is.

NoSquirrels · 05/11/2021 22:03

@whitehorsesdonotlie

Imagine you're on a ventilator. Would you want all your family to stay away, I for them to visit you?!

I'd go. You'll regret it if you don't. take care 💐

Her dad already imagined it, and told his family NOT to visit.

It’s not OK to tell people they will regret something.

They might, they might not.

It’s OK to say you personally might regret it if you didn’t. But you cannot generalise.

If I was the OP this thread would be upsetting me, because so many people are being so black and white. It’s a nuanced situation.

sassafras123 · 05/11/2021 22:04

I just wished I had been able to get a flight home in time to my darling sister but no flights till next day by then too late .

Mantlemoose · 05/11/2021 22:06

There's no right or wrong. Do whatever is right for you.

CactusLemonSpice · 05/11/2021 22:11

As gently as I can put it, because I have been through this myself, you can't avoid the pain of losing your dad if he passes. It might be scary and uncomfortable, the idea of losing emotional control while visiting. But ultimately that emotion will find its way out somehow. It has to.

Before he died, my dad was on a ventilator, then removed from it (long story) and woken up. He told me he could hear us when he was sedated and on the ventilator. It seems to be like being in a dream.

It is a personal decision whether you want to see him in hospital or not. But if you are trying not to feel all those painful emotions, and think you may regret not going, I would consider it further and consider visiting. It is completely natural and normal to get upset and cry in these situations, actually it might be healthy, even though it feels awful at the time.

Regarding the last memories of your dad, I can only speak from my own experience. Mine died 5 years ago now. For the first year or two I was in a lot of pain and thought about the end of his life a lot. But now, I miss him, but my memories of him are mainly the fun ones I always had. The happy memories did come back.

Lastly, I just want to say I'm really sorry for what you're going through. It is so, so hard. And so hard to know the best way to cope.

I just want to say that whatever you feel, that is okay. I hope you are able to be kind and generous with yourself and your feelings. For as long as you need to be.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/11/2021 22:17

@Hothammock

I would be glad I made the effort to say goodbye in person. If you choose not to go I think you need to have real reasons and I not sure you have really given them in your post. Whether you actually see him on a ventilator or not and have that memory or not, doesn't change the reality that this is where he is and what he has experienced. You will know that so how does avoiding visiting help you cope with that knowledge. All it really means is you didn't go visit him, not that he wasn't in that state.

And you can't say he would hate for you to visit him. He is unable to tell you want he wants or needs at this point so how could you possibly know that. Whatever he said in the past he would not have have known the reality of this situation; no one can truly predict this.

Sorry if this seems harsh but better not to have regrets built on shaky reasons.

This^
BogRollBOGOF · 05/11/2021 22:45

I didn't realise when I saw my relative in ICU that it would be the final time and that he'd die a week later.

It's actually a comforting memory, but the previous time I'd seen him he was locked into an isolated, depressed state, and actually seeing him sedated, he looked more at peace than I'd seen him in a long time.

I'd travelled a hundred miles so did the two sittings in ICU and spent a couple of hours between wandering around my home town for the first time in many years, and that helped me to monologue at him.

I'm glad I went. He had family come (others travelled too) and it did help lessen the shock of his unanticipated death.

JocastaElastic · 05/11/2021 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/11/2021 23:33

JocastaElastic

I would urge you to go to be with them. As previous posters have said, your DF might know you are there even though apparently he's unconscious. The nature of memory being what it is, probably your memories of him in happier times will eventually supersede your memories of him dying, and in the long run it will probably be best for you to have both“

Depends entirely on what the loved one would want, surely?
My dear mum wants to “fly until I die”. At 84, she is vibrant, competent and strong willed. She absolutely would not want to be remembered as
a shadow of herself on a ventilator.
I love her very much so will respect that wish if that circumstance arises, I will stay away.

MountainDweller · 05/11/2021 23:51

I would go, because he might be able to hear you, and you might feel worse if you don't go. I got on a plane to see my Dad, who was taken ill suddenly. He was unconscious but not ventilated by the time I got there. My whole family had gathered, which was comforting. We left at about 10, and just my stepmum stayed overnight. He died during the night. I was glad I went, though the journey and the last-minute decision to go were incredibly difficult. All the best whatever you decide Thanks