To think that *some* men need to just STOP doing this?!

[perplexedandvexed]

Ok firstly I'll start by saying I know that this is not ALL men. However I myself have experienced it on numerous occasions and now my 12 year old daughter has too.

Please, men of the internet, STOP SENDING YOUR DICK TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOT ASKED FOR IT

My daughter is 12 and after much deliberation we allowed her to have an Instagram account on the proviso that I have full access to it at any point. Before anyone has a go for letting her have one, the majority of her friends have them and the ones that aren't allowed them still have them just without their parents knowing.
We're very close and open about most things so she's happy to let me have full access and always shows me if anyone messages her.
She mainly uses it for looking at pictures of dogs and following her favourite music artists etc.
She started getting messages off a guy she did not know, he had no pictures of himself on his profile but all fairly innocent posts - scenic views/ some pumpkins at Halloween/ a couple of dog pics.
His messages just said 'hi' and 'I like your dog'
She did not reply and then gets sent a picture of his rather unimpressive penis in an excitable state. From the photo he sent, he looks no older than 16/17
She immediately replied with 'eww that's grim, I'm only 12 and I'm telling my Mum' which she did. The account immediately got deleted after that so I'm assuming the little wet wipe panicked but JUST WHY? I have reported but doubt anything will get done.

I too have had several sent to me on various platforms, all seemingly normal men and then all of a sudden - HERE, have a picture of a random part of my anatomy that you didn't ask to see.

What can we do to educate boys/ men that this is the biggest turn off and that no self respecting woman gives a shit about seeing some random strangers worm dick?

Sorry, I don't really know what I'm hoping to get from this post I just wanted to vent.

Sadly not, @Porcupineintherough

There is plenty of aggression in how some men use their penises. Let’s not pretend otherwise.

Trying to frame it as submissive and needy might help you to be able to dismiss it, as you quite rightly should because in one way it absolutely is completely pathetic, and it might indeed be accurate in some cases. But in many other cases it is an aggressive act. Certainly if it’s been sent to a vulnerable girl or woman.

It’s the digital form of flashing.

I was about to post the same, @HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule - it most certainly is an aggressive act. Not needy at all.

If your children have phones, they can and will, see porn/dick pics at some point.

you are not protecting your daughter enough.

I work with young people and at a recent training day we were told of a psychologist who was asked the question ''At what age is it appropriate to give my child a phone/ access to social media?
The answer was ''Whenever you are comfortable with them seeing porn''.

Sadly this is the truth.

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

There is plenty of aggression in how some men use their penises. Let’s not pretend otherwise.

Trying to frame it as submissive and needy might help you to be able to dismiss it, as you quite rightly should because in one way it absolutely is completely pathetic, and it might indeed be accurate in some cases. But in many other cases it is an aggressive act. Certainly if it’s been sent to a vulnerable girl or woman.

I'm not dismissing anything, but surely a man putting himself in such a vulnerable position and asking for approval of his genitals IS weak and needy? I just don't find it aggressive. In my experience they always want you to compliment it, or be impressed by it somehow or tell them it looks massive and they all seem mightily upset when they get laughed at. I don't think most of these men would even know what do do with their penis if a woman went near it.

I am in no way saying there aren't men out there who try to use their penis aggressively, but in my experience these morons online are fishing for compliments and they certainly make me feel like the stronger sex.

@BashfulClam

I am always confused by dick pics. I got sent several whilst online dating. One guy had exchanged a few messages about music etc then he asked what I was doing. I replied I was wrapping Christmas presents-BAM-dick pic wtaf! I used to say ‘what’s that? It looks like a penis but much smaller’ then block them!

Since you were wrapping pressies, you could have said, "Oh, is that one of those mini joke cocks? It's not very good."

i think you minimising the potential harm in and from all this.
i see no ships, comes to mind.
they were still there though.
you want to believe it is ok, the men are weak etc, your daughter is strong, mature, unaffected etc.
but what if not ?
i think you need to read up on all this from people who know.

I don’t think they’re looking for approval I think it turns them, it’s more for a sexual thrill.

The internet has turned too many men into flashers.

@alexdgr8

you are not protecting your daughter enough.

Explain? I'll just get the cotton wool out and go wrap her in it shall I? She's FINE So, she saw some creeps dick. She cleans her horses penis on a regular basis, she's seen one before. She knows HE'S the one with the issue. It's just a body part. She knows it's function. She has no interest in it whatsoever.

12 is way too young for instagram, as a previous poster said you need to protect your daughter more, isn't the minimum age 13 anyways, but you didn't put up a vote for aibu, you just wanted to dicuss the perpetrators behaviour, so I doubt you will take this into account, but ensuring a child ( which is what she is) is not left vulnerable to such actions would be my biggest concern.

There was a thread a while ago about flashing...I agree with a pp that these pics are the digital equivalent. Anyway, I read a post on the thread on flashing which said that men who flash and actually very dangerous and that they shouldn't be viewed as just pathetic loser types but as dangerous predators. It is an aggressive act

*are

It's just a new form of flashing. No more complicated than that.

@alexdgr8

i think you minimising the potential harm in and from all this. i see no ships, comes to mind. they were still there though. you want to believe it is ok, the men are weak etc, your daughter is strong, mature, unaffected etc. but what if not ? i think you need to read up on all this from people who know.

Please enlighten me.

It's really not about trying to get positive attention from women or thinking it'll get them laid.

They do it for the same reason a flasher does it.
No flasher in existence has ever thought "this'll get me laid".
It's about shock value, not trying to be sexy.

It’s grim obviously but seemingly very common? BARF!!! But it was happening way before the advent of social media…years ago a woman I worked with got an utterly revolting video sent to her work mobile from a customer. He was…..pleasuring himself but, with the angle of the video you could see his disgusting curly toenails and filthy carpet….made me gag!!!! As to WHY they do it……power, dominance, control? It’s digital flashing and you are quite right, the dirty feckers need to STOP IT. it’s weird AF and the police need to take it more seriously.

@Comedycook

There was a thread a while ago about flashing...I agree with a pp that these pics are the digital equivalent. Anyway, I read a post on the thread on flashing which said that men who flash and actually very dangerous and that they shouldn't be viewed as just pathetic loser types but as dangerous predators. It is an aggressive act

Yep.

We had self defence lectures at school from a lovely retired policeman who drummed it into us always to report flashing as it is proven to be a gateway to more serious sex offences. Cf Wayne Couzens.

@perplexedandvexed my dd has always and continues to come to me and talk to me about anything and everything. When her friends visited our home they were mostly quite surprised about how open I am with her. There is and never has been anything she cannot ask me or talk to me about and she's come out with some crackers!

I came from an abusive and closed family myself, I was determined that wouldn't be the case for her. I was also a victim of csa so from a fairly young age I have discussed such things with her (in an age appropriate way) also drugs, alcohol (my father an alcoholic, I've lost people I loved dearly to addiction), politics, social causes, current affairs, celeb culture, rape culture...

All sorts

There's of course been times we disagreed too and as a child/teen she naturally pushed boundaries.

That was her job as a developing young woman, my job was to ensure she could do this and remain safe and healthy

@RantyAunty exactly!

@hellcatspangle because there's a big difference between 12 and 14 in maturity, resilience, confidence etc but even at 14 parents still need to be controlling and monitoring their child's online presence, exposure and behaviour

Leaving the house is necessary in order to function and maintain a normal life.. having a sm account isn't

Precisely

Having her off sm may not completely eradicate the risk of her being flashed but it will significantly reduce it

"At what age is it appropriate to give my child a phone/ access to social media?"
The answer was ''Whenever you are comfortable with them seeing porn''.

That seems a fair response to me

Not read the full thread but I think we need to have a zero tolerance approach to this. Call it out as inappropriate every single time.

Consider reporting the offence to whomever may be appropriate - police, person's employer etc. If it's happened to a school child, report it to the school as something that is happening, regardless of who sent the picture.

But why do they do? It's so odd. I find it bizarre to think these people have mums who probably have no idea. shudders

As a mum of a boy, I find this kind of thing very freaky.

I agree with you that it’s pathetic. That doesn’t mean it’s not also an aggressive act. Misogyny isn’t always about thinking you’re stronger or better - many times, in fact, it’s borne of weakness not strength and a hatred of what you perceive as more powerful than yourself.

I mean dismissive as in dismissing it, which you are, and in one way, rightly so. On a personal level I dismiss it too - it doesn’t bother me, it doesn’t frighten me, I am entirely indifferent and I, too, wouldn’t find it particularly aggressive toward me. But it is still in many cases an aggressive act.

Letting men off the hook by attempting to disempower them doesn’t really work unfortunately - those men will still be driven, by whatever motivation, to commit aggressive acts, because it’s their own twisted perception that matters.

The only way to reduce (it won't stop) is for Facebook, Instagram etc to require actual proof of ID, address etc to sign up so that true anonymity is lost (unless fraud is at play). Many of the men who do not have the confidence to flash women in person, which is all about power rather than thinking women will be attracted to them, are able to effectively flash online by remaining anonymous with no consequences. They have to make it so they can't hide, it should also reduce bullying and online hate crime too by making the keyboard warriors traceable unless they are of the smaller percent of the offenders who have the skills to effectively hide their ID or commit fraud.