To think that *some* men need to just STOP doing this?!

[perplexedandvexed]

Ok firstly I'll start by saying I know that this is not ALL men. However I myself have experienced it on numerous occasions and now my 12 year old daughter has too.

Please, men of the internet, STOP SENDING YOUR DICK TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOT ASKED FOR IT

My daughter is 12 and after much deliberation we allowed her to have an Instagram account on the proviso that I have full access to it at any point. Before anyone has a go for letting her have one, the majority of her friends have them and the ones that aren't allowed them still have them just without their parents knowing.
We're very close and open about most things so she's happy to let me have full access and always shows me if anyone messages her.
She mainly uses it for looking at pictures of dogs and following her favourite music artists etc.
She started getting messages off a guy she did not know, he had no pictures of himself on his profile but all fairly innocent posts - scenic views/ some pumpkins at Halloween/ a couple of dog pics.
His messages just said 'hi' and 'I like your dog'
She did not reply and then gets sent a picture of his rather unimpressive penis in an excitable state. From the photo he sent, he looks no older than 16/17
She immediately replied with 'eww that's grim, I'm only 12 and I'm telling my Mum' which she did. The account immediately got deleted after that so I'm assuming the little wet wipe panicked but JUST WHY? I have reported but doubt anything will get done.

I too have had several sent to me on various platforms, all seemingly normal men and then all of a sudden - HERE, have a picture of a random part of my anatomy that you didn't ask to see.

What can we do to educate boys/ men that this is the biggest turn off and that no self respecting woman gives a shit about seeing some random strangers worm dick?

Sorry, I don't really know what I'm hoping to get from this post I just wanted to vent.

@Tuirseach

12 is way too young for instagram, as a previous poster said you need to protect your daughter more, isn't the minimum age 13 anyways, but you didn't put up a vote for aibu, you just wanted to dicuss the perpetrators behaviour, so I doubt you will take this into account, but ensuring a child ( which is what she is) is not left vulnerable to such actions would be my biggest concern.

So what magically happens at 13 then? Surely it's down to the parent to decide?

[quote Reptar]I just posted on the Petitions board, that a petition has been started to give women a specific way to report this kind of harassment.

''Social media sites to provide a way for women to report sexual harassment''
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/petitions_noticeboard[/quote]
Thanks Reptar !

What an utter Prick

I agree 100% with @PlanDeRaccordement
@Comedycook, sorry but you come across as victim blaming.
We all choose our own way of helping our children mature and learn to navigate the world. Personally, I think the OP sounds like she's doing really well, and a 12 year old (sadly, very sadly) needs to learn this stuff because it's going to happen whenever she starts SM. And at 12, she's probably more likely to still be happy to share stuff with her mum than at 16, ime.

Not read beyond page two but I’m 48 - so am I too young for social media? Because I’ve been sent a dick pic too

Why are some people directing their anger at the mum for letting her daughter use social media rather than the sickening little men that are exposing themselves uninvited? Surely that’s where Our anger should lie? If these shitheads didn’t exist then we wouldn’t have to worry about our kids being vulnerable to them would we?

It’s like saying why did you go out in a short skirt and then get drunk - you clearly deserved the attention

Let’s direct our anger where it should go shall we? Clearly this mum is aware of what her daughter is doing and the daughter has a good relationship with her. Get mad at the perpetrators not the victims for Christ’s sake.

@BiscuitLover09876

But why do they do? It's so odd. I find it bizarre to think these people have mums who probably have no idea. shudders

As a mum of a boy, I find this kind of thing very freaky.

You have to talk to them about it all the same.

OP I'm with you completely and I despair at the number of posters basically saying "if you let girls use public spaces you're asking for it." The internet is a public space and your daughter has every right to be in it. Pervy fuckers can stay offline.

And this comment above, my god Can’t wait till this children’s version of Instagram is ready. Because pedos and freaks will definitely stay away from it like they did with the cesspit that is YouTube Kids

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

I agree with you that it’s pathetic. That doesn’t mean it’s not also an aggressive act. Misogyny isn’t always about thinking you’re stronger or better - many times, in fact, it’s borne of weakness not strength and a hatred of what you perceive as more powerful than yourself.

I mean dismissive as in dismissing it, which you are, and in one way, rightly so. On a personal level I dismiss it too - it doesn’t bother me, it doesn’t frighten me, I am entirely indifferent and I, too, wouldn’t find it particularly aggressive toward me. But it is still in many cases an aggressive act.

Letting men off the hook by attempting to disempower them doesn’t really work unfortunately - those men will still be driven, by whatever motivation, to commit aggressive acts, because it’s their own twisted perception that matters.

This.

If you read any incel, MRA or Red Pill type sites - those men see themselves as the biggest victims in society. But Elliot Rodgers and others were no less dangerous for it.

I used to deliver training on cyber abuse and grooming. Everyone getting their knickers in a twist about the age for getting a social media account seem to have forgeotten this isn't the only way men contact children on the internet - plenty of online games / consoles etc have chat functions as do fan sites. Are girls not to use these either?

On our training course we would go to one of these chat rooms at the start of the course and post a message, mentioning that we were a 12 year old girl. Our original plan was to check back in a hour to see what responses we had got. There was no need. The longest time it took for very explicit sexual content to arrive was 38 seconds.

Women and girls should not have to restrict their use of technology because of sexual predators. Flashing in real life is a crime - it should be the same online.

Until it becomes a crime, here are some ways to respond: www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/a22785757/dick-pic-responses/

@BadNomad

I work with young people and at a recent training day we were told of a psychologist who was asked the question ''At what age is it appropriate to give my child a phone/ access to social media? The answer was ''Whenever you are comfortable with them seeing porn''.

Sadly this is the truth.

That is harsh but as an answer cuts through

@LifesABotch

Is it not illegal? Especially when sent to a minor?! I'd be reporting it, it's same as flashing, and not an insignificant action.

Well she could report it... But then did he know he was sending it to a 12 year old... Given 12 year olds shouldn't have accounts?

So what magically happens at 13 then? Surely it's down to the parent to decide?

Well quite. I was flashed when I was 12 - I got a real eyeful as he kept walking past with his dick out. A couple of my friends were flashed when they were 11.

12 is when our self defence classes started at school. You need to learn this stuff at that age because that’s when it starts.

DD was allowed a heavily policed Instagram account when she was 13. It’s mainly horses. But I had to contact a couple of her friends’ parents who were posting totally inappropriate pics of themselves - parents clearly unaware.

Their parents are well educated professionals not un-tech savvy - no idea what they were thinking not keeping a close eye their DDs’ accounts.

I don’t think 12 is too young...by 12 they’ve had the sex education and seen what a penis is/looks like. So it’s not like they’ve never seen a penis and think it’s some sort of third leg.

SM is a universal space, not an adult space. At some point you have to teach them and guide them in the ways of online safety and how to handle things like dick pics. The 12yr old was doing everything right, the OP has handled is exceedingly well. And now the 12yr old is less vulnerable.

It’s a virtual version of street smarts. You can’t really learn online SM smarts without actually going out there and using SM.

I’m really sorry as I haven’t RTFT but I did want to signpost for lots of worried parents The Two John’s if you haven’t come across them before.

I’ll try and add a link. They are two ex police officers who come to schools for E-safety talks but also do online stuff now, and SM stuff too.

They talk about the cliff edge, and how some parents drop their kids off it at for eg age 13 when they’re allowed SM accounts. And how it’s better to go with your child and lower them slowly.

esafetytraining.org/

How sad that so many are victim blaming you and your daughter. The simple fact is that if men stopped doing this, we wouldn’t need to protect t our daughters from it.

I have two teenaged sons. I do not for one moment believe they would do something like this, but I have still sat them both down and had a very specific discussion about it, literally using the words “don’t send dick pics” and discussing why. And discussing how they need to call out other boys who might do it. It’s something that should be done with all boys (and men).

@iwishiwasafish

How sad that so many are victim blaming you and your daughter. The simple fact is that if men stopped doing this, we wouldn’t need to protect t our daughters from it.

I have two teenaged sons. I do not for one moment believe they would do something like this, but I have still sat them both down and had a very specific discussion about it, literally using the words “don’t send dick pics” and discussing why. And discussing how they need to call out other boys who might do it. It’s something that should be done with all boys (and men).

Absolutely. Mine 15 and 17, highly unlikely but we’ve discussed it all the same.

@TatianaBis @PlanDeRaccordement
Thank you! She never takes her phone up to her bedroom, anything done online is done in the presence of us. She occasionally plays online games with chat functions which I again monitor and she has never once engaged in conversation with anyone on there.
I check her Insta/ WhatsApp and texts regularly and there's very little usually.

@MissNothing1991 her bio on her private profile says '11 years old, love dogs and horses' so yeah....

Even if she was a hundred and eleven though, sending your dick is not ok

*12

Kids need education about social media not to be kept off it. It's a reality of life. It's unfortunate men send unsolicited dick pics, but we all know they do it and they get a kick out of it.

I've explained ''dick pics' to my 12 year old. She rolled her eyes and said ''eeeewwww why would anyone do that??'' my reply: because they can and it's easy from behind a screen. I then explained to her that this was why we had to be thoughtful about our online presence and how it differs from real life; how people's behaviour changes because of this. For this reason we have to think about who who we interact with, how we interact with them and to always report any weird stuff.

She recently got an expletive laden message from a teenage boy she used to go to school with in response to a ''hi how are you'' that she replied: ''wow that's not very nice'' and blocked him. She told me after she'd done it.

Yep, men should stop doing this regardless of whether or not your daughter should be on social media.

@Comedycook

I remember getting flashed by a guy when I was about 13 .... should my mum have not let me leave the house?

Leaving the house is necessary in order to function and maintain a normal life.. having a sm account isn't.

Lol.

Do you have a teen? Any idea about how they in touch with each other?

It will never stop until all men straight up shame and shun the men who do it. And they should all be telling boys right from the beginning that it absolutely is not an acceptable thing to do.

(Will never happen, sadly)

It’s the same thing all over again isn’t it?

Women’s are getting attacked and killed in the street? Well they should never be alone, be careful when it’s dark, call 999 even if it’s a police officer who talks to them etc…
But never men should stop attaching and killing women.

And here we have young girls should not be on SM. You should have your account restricted and private etc…
But not men should stop sending dick pictures to random women.

Again and again. It’s either women fault or it’s up to them to handle the situation and engineer something that is safer for them. God for if we actually hold men into account for their disgusting behaviour.

It is very concerning that anyone would describe absolutely vital rules as victim blaming. The 12 year old is not to blame in any way for the man's behaviour but it is absolutely integral to protecting minors on the Internet that they never ever interact with strangers.

She should not have an Instagram account at an age where she is letting random men online follow her and thus could have been far far worse if he had slowly groomed her.

You must report him to the police he may be grooming other children.

We need to hold men to account and we need to ensure children don't interact in dangerous ways on the Internet. Around 900 men a month are arrested fir online child sex abuse crimes in England and Wales. The police have said publicly they are overwhelmed just trying to keep up with the thousands and thousands of men who are doing this online or watching child sex abuse.

Protecting children from harm is not the same as victim blaming and it is ludicrous to suggest it is. Of course men need to be stopped first and foremost but the Internet is a very dangerous place for children sadly.