to think I did not break his fucking arrows?

[ShoveThatArrowUpYerArse]

OK, so we both work F-T. I take the our eldest to his hobbies after school, as H does not get home in time. This means I have stopped the two hobbies I have as they clash with DS1's hobbies. Its also a pain as they are 20mins drive away which means I end up in some crappy cafe for an hour trying to entertain ds2 whilst DS1 is in his classes.

H worked from home this week so I asked him to take DS1 to his class on Thurs. H said 'but I do archery then', 'yes' said I ' but you can also do that on Sat instead' 'That could be quite good' said H ' I can do it in daylight then.'

However, H has just decided to fire his arrows in the garden.

And they all broke. Some how he has reframed this as 'my fault (if you had 'let' me go on Thurs I wouldn't have 'had' to practice in the garden and they would not have broke

He is now huffing and puffing and trying to claim this means I am not supporting him to do his hobbies.

He's grinding you down, be aware. You are doing EVERYTHING! He's behaving like a child and treats you like a mother. Not attractive at all and also not what someone wants in a spouse.

I'd print this up and stick it on a stick. You can raise it in response trying to stop him from doing 'anything' and I'm ' 'unbelievable' and 'so unfair

Whoops

The petulance emanating off him has to be a death-knell to your sex life surely?

I couldn't shag anyone so utterly childish, it would just feel inherently wrong.

My DH has blame tendencies - even where it has nothing to do with me, he'll try to somehow make me responsible. He has got a bit better over time when I have pointed it out to him.

He didn't really like it when if something went wrong (no matter what, a banged thumb with a hammer, you name it), I started saying 'quick, think of a reason why it was my fault!' Because we both knew that was exactly the thought process going through his head, and we both knew how completely unreasonable it was.

My reply would have been "didums"

Crikey he reminds me of my adhd relative pre meds. Seriously remember having argument like -
me - this leaf is green (me holding a green leaf)
relative - no its purple
me - (holding up the leaf) no its definitely green, you can see its green.
relative - its purple
no amount logic or reason would make him change his mind. Iv been told its an adhd trait with a refusal to admit being wrong, but omg it was draining.

In what way does he support you to do your hobbies?

XDH dropped by to show off his new car, sorry, have an amicable cup of tea. When leaving he reversed into the very large bright yellow skip on my drive and scratched his flash new motor. . And came storming in to tell me it was my fault and I’d better look into my insurance.

I’ll send you his phone number so he can commiserate with your DH.

@NigellaAwesome
Me too. I could have written that word for word. Still happens occasionally but me jumping in using humorous ways in which it could be my fault have more or less stopped it. I never get an apology though even now.

@ShoveThatArrowUpYerArse you'll need to work out whether you can put up with this behaviour for years to come. I doubt his attitude will change much

Did he go out and shoot the arrows just to blame you? he sounds ridiculous! is leaving an option for you?

Does he support you and your kids in any way at all apart from money?

@MrsTerryPratchett

Is there a reason? My DH has a narc dad who blames but never apologises. Ever. So avoiding blame and not apologising are a defence for him. He sees apologising as weakness and it was dangerous as a child to admit things. Also Scottish if I'm guessing right!

We've worked on it and he's improved and DD won't share that because we parent her differently.

He could just be a wanker of course.

I spoke to a counsellor who suggested it might be due to his upbringing. She said that might be why his responses are so much like a child's - because he is thrown straight back into those situations from his childhood.

His mum was absolutely lovely and adored her kids. I can imagine his Dad was difficult. I actually like his Dad who has been very good to me, but he is not an attuned man and DH has said he was hit more times that he can remember as a child. I think his Dad was awful to his sister as a teenager, he has said this but refuses to talk more about it and I have certainly seen his sister look at her father with utter contempt.

His sister and brother seem normal and functional though.

I think there is a reason, whether learnt behaviour or some undiagnosed condition as his behaviour is far from normal. But if he won't admit to having a problem, and he won't, then he'll never work on it to change things.

Tell him he's being an entitled twat and it's not attractive.

he chose to have children with you; they come first. Why is it only reasonable for you to sacrifice your hobbies so they can go to theirs, but it's outrageous and wrong for him to have to do so when they clash?

He's being an arse, and I'd pull him up on it.

I like @SameToo response!!!

All the arrows broken? Great, can you restart one of the hobbies OP?

He’s behaviour is appalling (but you already know that).

Do you have any time for yourself at all?

This make so angry on your behalf I can feel the blood pounding in my ears.

Whether it’s learned behaviour or condition it’s still not on to behave in such wave.
Lots of people have difficult childhood and they work on the issues instead of treating their nearest and dearest like crap.
Piss poor excuse from the counsellor.

This behaviour would have me shut off from him in every respect.

Would you not be happier cutting this level of shit out of your life OP? It will never improve. What if you get ill and need him to help you? He's utterly useless in every respect. Is he like this at work?

@TruJay

I second *@SameToo* suggestion

I third it.

@Hankunamatata

Crikey he reminds me of my adhd relative pre meds. Seriously remember having argument like - me - this leaf is green (me holding a green leaf) relative - no its purple me - (holding up the leaf) no its definitely green, you can see its green. relative - its purple no amount logic or reason would make him change his mind. Iv been told its an adhd trait with a refusal to admit being wrong, but omg it was draining.

I wonder if it could be something like this. He is on a waiting list now for autism assessment but maybe it could be this. He really is like this. There have been times when he does exactly this. Like he bought a stupid vintage sports car without telling me (we had a brief discussion of buying a car for weekends away), and I was saying 'but it has no rear seats or boot for luggage, it's completely useless for what we need a car for' And he was like ' yes it does have a boot, we can get all our luggage in there' And the 'boot' was a very small space for the spare tyre, no room for even a very small bag. And he was insisting we could fit all our walking gear and weekend away stuff in it (we carried a lot of stuff going away, full evening wear too!). And the physical evidence was in front of our eyes. He has done this again and again, like with things that can be proved wrong with simple maths and I'll prove what he is saying is wrong with simple maths, but he will still insist he is right. It's weird. Maybe I should look into that. I actually have an adult friend who has filled in a form to get assessed for adhd, I might ask him about it.

@lottiegarbanzo

In what way does he support you to do your hobbies?

He does actually. Before I stopped those two because of the kids hobbies, he would always support me to go out. He would come home a bit earlier so I could get out if I needed him too. Its one of the things he is ok about.

Do you see your marriage lasting?
Do you want it to?

@Drinkingallthewine

The petulance emanating off him has to be a death-knell to your sex life surely?

I couldn't shag anyone so utterly childish, it would just feel inherently wrong.

Yes it has been.