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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I did not break his fucking arrows?

209 replies

ShoveThatArrowUpYerArse · 05/11/2021 12:55

OK, so we both work F-T. I take the our eldest to his hobbies after school, as H does not get home in time. This means I have stopped the two hobbies I have as they clash with DS1's hobbies. Its also a pain as they are 20mins drive away which means I end up in some crappy cafe for an hour trying to entertain ds2 whilst DS1 is in his classes.

H worked from home this week so I asked him to take DS1 to his class on Thurs. H said 'but I do archery then', 'yes' said I ' but you can also do that on Sat instead' 'That could be quite good' said H ' I can do it in daylight then.'

However, H has just decided to fire his arrows in the garden.

And they all broke. Some how he has reframed this as 'my fault (if you had 'let' me go on Thurs I wouldn't have 'had' to practice in the garden and they would not have broke Hmm

He is now huffing and puffing and trying to claim this means I am not supporting him to do his hobbies. Confused

OP posts:
logsonlogsoff · 05/11/2021 14:57

What a twit. Time you got something you enjoy doing and have him run around more after the kids.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/11/2021 15:00

Google Brene Brown Blame Steve, and see why he does this.

Oblomov21 · 05/11/2021 15:00

Why are you such a martyr and people pleaser? Why did you agree to a ds hobby that doesn't fit. Find a place that does your hobby and start going.

SeasonFinale · 05/11/2021 15:02

As my Dad used to say - and if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle!

KittenKong · 05/11/2021 15:03

He broke his arrows? How the hell did he break an arrow? And what is he firing at?

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 05/11/2021 15:03

@PenguindreamsofDraco

Have you shown him a Kevin the Teenager sketch and he inadvertently took it to be a manual for life?
Thought exactly the same! 😆😆
pointythings · 05/11/2021 15:06

Suzi I do field archery and as I said my arrows are aluminium (I shoot a modern recurve, no sights or release aids (so Barebow) and I used to hit a lot of tree-mendous shots when I was just starting out. I ended up with a lot of interestingly bent arrows. But not so much these days, so I'm a bit amazed by how someone can break all their arrows in a single practice session.

I haven't treed anything in ages, these days if I miss I do it no-impact.

Original poster
ShoveThatArrowUpYerArse · 05/11/2021 15:08

@Oblomov21

Why are you such a martyr and people pleaser? Why did you agree to a ds hobby that doesn't fit. Find a place that does your hobby and start going.
Because he's doing really badly at school but is good at the stuff he does as his hobbies. Because I want him to have self worth rather than be ground down and think he is shit by the time he is 10. Because I don't respect the opinion of people who think that makes me a martyr.
OP posts:
KittenKong · 05/11/2021 15:09

@pointythings

Suzi I do field archery and as I said my arrows are aluminium (I shoot a modern recurve, no sights or release aids (so Barebow) and I used to hit a lot of tree-mendous shots when I was just starting out. I ended up with a lot of interestingly bent arrows. But not so much these days, so I'm a bit amazed by how someone can break all their arrows in a single practice session.

I haven't treed anything in ages, these days if I miss I do it no-impact.

I used to do it way back - at targets though. The worst I ever did was lose a few tips
Original poster
ShoveThatArrowUpYerArse · 05/11/2021 15:15

@MrsTerryPratchett

Google Brene Brown Blame Steve, and see why he does this.
Yes, he has no accountability at all. He definitely cannot psychologically cope with being responsible for anything but the most minor thing, and even then rarely.
OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 05/11/2021 15:24

@JesusInTheCabbageVan - you forgot to suggest to the OP that she should sit in this evening with a big bowl of popcorn and a drink and watch the action packed movie called (of all things) "Broken Arrow" with Christian Slater and John Travolta in it!

Sorry, no help to you OP.

Djifunrsn · 05/11/2021 15:28

Did he fire them all at the same time, or is he so thick that he did not notice them breaking one by one?

girlmom21 · 05/11/2021 15:30

He definitely cannot psychologically cope with being responsible for anything but the most minor thing, and even then rarely.

What's he like at work? Is he in quite a low-level role?

Original poster
ShoveThatArrowUpYerArse · 05/11/2021 15:40

@girlmom21

He definitely cannot psychologically cope with being responsible for anything but the most minor thing, and even then rarely.

What's he like at work? Is he in quite a low-level role?

Oh I didn't mean like that. I mean he can't be responsible for things that go wrong, like our marriage Grin

He has a good job. In a field where emotional intelligence is not required.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 05/11/2021 15:42

@ShoveThatArrowUpYerArse I had a feeling he'd have a good job! He's just a massive twat at home. Sounds about right!

KaycePollard · 05/11/2021 15:44

But you've had to stop doing your hobbies?

Sometimes the childish self-centredness of men is unbelievable.

cabingirl · 05/11/2021 16:02

Make him sit down and watch this

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/11/2021 16:05

[quote cabingirl]Make him sit down and watch this

[/quote] That's the one I was suggesting! Thanks for the linky.

We still shoot "damn you Steve" in this house when someone is blaming.

BluebellsGreenbells · 05/11/2021 16:05

I think you need to embrace this as practice for three teenagers - good training

Original poster
ShoveThatArrowUpYerArse · 05/11/2021 16:06

[quote cabingirl]Make him sit down and watch this

[/quote] Thanks, someone else posted that.

Reflecting on it, its made me realise I am now in that frame of mind too.
She talks about blame being a discharge of pain and anger. WIth H, I can never get to the 'holding accountable' stage as there is no point. He won't have conversations about what went wrong and how we can avoid that in future'. He just jumps straight to ' it wasnae me, I dinnae do it. Its all your fault' So that video made me realise that I now jump to blame stage too, because discharging pain is all I have left.

God this is all so fucked up.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/11/2021 16:10

Is there a reason? My DH has a narc dad who blames but never apologises. Ever. So avoiding blame and not apologising are a defence for him. He sees apologising as weakness and it was dangerous as a child to admit things. Also Scottish if I'm guessing right!

We've worked on it and he's improved and DD won't share that because we parent her differently.

He could just be a wanker of course.

thenightsky · 05/11/2021 16:11

[quote cabingirl]Make him sit down and watch this

[/quote] I wish that had been around many years ago when I was with my very blamey ex.
Skeumorph · 05/11/2021 16:13

You sound as if you dislike him so much - I sympathise - he sounds horrible.

You can't stay in this - you talk about your DS being good at this and that - none of that matters more than having a peaceful home, right?

Therealjudgejudy · 05/11/2021 16:16

Your husband is a bellend.

He is also rubbish at his hobby

Hugoslavia · 05/11/2021 16:21

Replace them with some with suckers on the end. Then take up Archery yourself at home. With him as the target.