Friends DD threw my daughter to the ground

[AmIInside]

Friends daughter is 9 (same age as my DD). My DD is very into dancing and dances constantly. She dances in the house, around the living room, in her bedroom, in the garden, in the shops, in the street - constantly. She loves it.
Friends DD does karate and often practices that too.
Yesterday we were walking home from school and DD was dancing. Friends DD told her to “stop it” saying she was annoying and said “even my mum thinks you’re annoying, don’t you mum?”. Friend went bright red and said she’d never said that and her DD said “yes you did! You said “why can’t she just walk normal, remember?” Friend quickly changed the subject but was clearly embarrassed. I felt really awkward. Didn’t know what to say. DD said “I don’t care that I annoy you, if I want to dance I will do” and started to exaggerate her dancing a little and was swirling around us all. I told her to walk properly before she ends up crashing into someone. She swirled in front of friends DD who grabbed her and threw her to the floor. She landed awkwardly in a muddy puddle and really hurt her arm. She cried like mad 😢 friend told her DD off and told her to apologise, she refused saying DD started it and should just walk normal (echoing what her mum had obviously said). In anger DD shouted that friend was too ugly to be a dancer and that’s why she’s jealous. I told her off for that remark obviously but friends did retorted that DD was an attention seeking idiot and everyone thought so, even the teachers.

Anyway it got horrible and nasty. I can’t stop thinking about it.

Did she deserve to be thrown on the floor? I don’t think so. AIBU to message the mum and tell her how upset I am about the fact she’s clearly been slagging DD off at home?

No of course it wasn’t ok but the Mum did deal with it. It’s also not ok for your DD to call the other girl ugly. And you dealt with that.

I’d just leave it now. What do you want to do? Force them to be friends?

it ended with them both saying how much they hate each other.. So just take them at their word and stop socialising with DDs in tow, they clearly don’t like each other at all. Forcing them to spend time together will just make the situation worse.

They were both badly behaved and the insults were awful on both sides "too ugly to be a dancer" is not really less hurtful than "the teachers hate you"

Both parents corrected their children there and then so I don't see what point there is to text the mum to say upset. I expect she is upset at both children's behaviour too.

How is your dd now? Hopefully you have reassured her that the other child has no idea what the teachers think and she has always had nice comments at parents night and that will be the end of that.

@MindyStClaire

Everyone sucks here.

Friend's DD shouldn't have thrown your DD to the ground.
Friend shouldn't be discussing your DD.
You were ineffectual.
Your DD was annoying.

Her comments about her friend's looks were cruel and I'd be thinking about where that came from. Why does she think you have to be good looking to dance? Why does she place value on that? Does she see dancing as superior to karate and why? Why on earth does she think it is in any way acceptable to be cruel about her friend's appearance?

I know she was provoked, but that's the kind of comment that can linger and cause problems.

This. Everyone comes out of this badly, and whatever about the girls (who aren’t friends but are thrown together by their mothers’ friendship), their mothers don’t behave like actual friends do.

2 adults there and this is how children behave in front of you, I think you need to be firmer with your child so does your friend. If I asked my child to stop he stops or there is a consequence. Dancing around is fine in the garden/park or in her room but it’s annoying she was asked to stop. Both girls sound like they need firm boundaries judging by their behaviour, I don’t think either is any better than the other I’d be as angry with both girls the way they’ve behaved.

Also to add proper dance practice is focused and dedicated. Warm up, strategic practice of moves, cool down.

What she’s doing is moving not dancing. And the sign of someone who isn’t a polished dancer

Your dd shouldn't have pushed. The mum did tell her off for doing that and I'm sure had words at home so I don't see what contacting her would do.

Your dd is 9. You need to teach her that dancing everywhere isn't appropriate. It does come across as annoying and attention seeking. There is a time and a place for everything.

Obviously the other girl shouldn’t have pushed your dd. You don’t seem to be able to acknowledge that your dd was being irritating and upped it to irritate the other girl when she was mean. Six if one, half a dozen of the other. Bet your friend was a bit embarrassed that her dd repeated what she said!
Maybe you find your dd’s passion for dance great, but clearly not everyone does.

No-one's coming out smelling of roses here, are they?! Friend's DD most certainly should not have thrown your DD to the ground, that is not okay. Both DD's should not have indulged in insulting each other. Your friend perhaps, ought to be aware that little pitchers have big ears, and if you say things like that to them, or around them, these are likely to come back and bite them on the bum at the most inopportune moment! Your daughter needs to learn to have awareness of the impact of her actions of those around her, and also that when Mum says it's time to stop, it's time to stop.

You seem to be downplaying your DDs role in this. The other girl behaved badly, yes - but honestly I would be absolutely mortified if my daughter constantly behaved in such a physically irritating way at the age of 9 and then made such a nasty statement about another child’s appearance when they (wrongly of course) snapped after your DD ignored requests to behave respectfully to other people’s personal space. I think your DD was at least equally in the wrong if not more as she was the one provoking the situation.

Let the other girl’s mum deal with her and perhaps reflect a bit on how your DDs constant dancing is being received. She’s 9, not a toddler, and is past the age where she should have basic understanding of how leaping around other people and under their feet affects them.

It’s not nice to think but perhaps there is a grain of truth in what this other child has said about teachers and others disliking her behaviour. She shouldn’t have said it of course but these things don’t come from nowhere and her mum clearly finds your DD very tiresome. She won’t be the only person.

It sounds like she is centre stage in her world and yours but perhaps both of you need to consider that she isn’t centre stage to everyone else before it’s too late to rescue her behaviour.

@Clementineapples would you be all sweetness and light to some one who just publicly told you how annoying you are and tried to get their mother, an adult , to gang up on you ? Then physically threw you into a muddy puddle where you hurt your arm badly and refused to apologize? Wouldn’t you be in shock and pain ?

Like yes, I get the OPs DD was being annoying and shouldn’t have doubled down by swirling more but the kid was just insulted by her friend and an adult ,
Everyone is piling in on the OPs DD for the ugly remark but the Karate Kid didn’t hold back or control her feelings either, why does she get a pass to be a violent bully and not apologize just because the OP was dancing?
Friends DD didn’t just shove out of frustration, she does martial arts and unless she only started that week and the OPs DD slipped at the same time then she’ll have known what she was doing. It takes a bit of force to knock a 9 year old down . She needs to learn to control her temper pronto because the next time she finds someone “annoying” she could really hurt them.

Now maybe the OPs DD berates Friends DD all the time for being ugly or whatever and Friends DD finally snapped but I can only go on what OP has written
Sounds like the resentment was brewing for a long time

Just leave it now or you will hurt your own friendship with the mum. Just leave it the weekend, and on Monday say to her, "Well that was pretty shit last week wasn't it? Shall we draw a line under it and move on?" or something.

You do need to have a chat with your DD about appropriate behaviour and understanding other peoples feelings though. If the other girl asked her to not dance next to her whilst walking home, there is a reason for that and your DD should actually respect that the other girl found it irritating or embarrassing and she should have stopped. But she carried on being antagonistic and show-offy. I'm actually not surprised she was pushed over.

they shouldnt be friends anymore. i wouldnt text your friend that i would text her that they obviously shouldnt be friends anymore.

your daughter sounds very annoying indeed and shouldnt be dancing on her way home constantly as yes that can be annoying, i also remember attention seeking children at school, dancers who wanted you to know they could dance, singers who wanted everyone to hear them sing all the time, horse riders needing everyone to know they owned a horse.

its frustrating but her friend isnt a good friend and should have just walked off and your friend is obviously slagging off your dd to her dd.

i would just ditch them both.

It sounds like an episode of Angelina Ballerina
Everyone was in the wrong. You should have taught your DD that dancing everywhere isn't appropriate - it's dangerous and annoying. Friend's DD shouldn't have pushed. Friend should have been brave enough to tell you that your DD is annoying. You should have been adult enough to realise that a child dancing everywhere is an attention-seeking hazard.

What she’s doing is moving not dancing. And the sign of someone who isn’t a polished dancer

She's a 9yo kid 😂😂😂

Her DD told her that nobody likes her, not even the teachers.

Yes, but that was after your dd called her ‘ugly*.
You sound like quite an indulgent parent, who is (somewhat understandably) basking in your dd’s undoubted talent. I, on the other hand, have quite a low ‘embarrassment in public’ threshold, even with my own dc, and would probably have been telling my dd myself that she was being annoying, and to stop it.

Everyone is piling in on the OPs DD for the ugly remark but the Karate Kid didn’t hold back or control her feelings either, why does she get a pass to be a violent bully and not apologize just because the OP was dancing?

Well, nobody's saying that it's OK to be throwing other children on the ground, but it's not the Karate Kid's mum here asking what to do now, so what would be the point in making that the focus? She won't know, she's not here as far as we're aware but the person asking the question can reflect on some things since she is here asking.

Cool all the 'friendships' involved.

I did Karate and ballet as a child. Of course my parents completely insisted I only practice in the appropriate place. Both girls clearly need a lesson in that.

You can't be dancing or attempting throws just anywhere, not warmed up etc.

It was nobody's finest moment, all of you need space from each other so just chalk it up and keep it moving.

It's lovely your DD is so passionate about her dancing but you need to be more mindful of where she is performing, walking along and in shops isn't fair on other people trying to go about their business.

Also I wouldn't assume your friend has been slagging people off. My dd complains about others annoying her and I will say "yes that can be annoying but thing of the good things she does" or "that might be annoying to you or me but she is enjoying herself just stay out her way when dancing if it's not your thing"

I would never slag of another child to my child as it is modelling very poor behaviour and I wouldn't trust them not to mention it at some point. I would vent to my dh, sister or another adult privately, and even then it is unlikely unless something very extreme had happened.

be a violent bully

A bully is someone who is consistently nasty to a child over a period of time. Not someone who loses their temper and pushes a friend.

If my son was prancing around like a tit getting in peoples way and I told him to stop. And his friend said he was annoying. And he not only continued but purposely exaggerated it in front of the friend who would likely trip up. I wouldn’t give a toss about him being pushed over. He’s 11, I walk him to and from school. Kids are always pushing, arguing, being kids.

I would tell son not to be an annoying tit while out and about and he wouldn’t get pushed over. I would also appreciate that the friends mum told her off and asked her to apologise.

Why are you getting involved in childrens squabbles, let them sort it out themselves. No one is in the right in this situation. If they want to be friends again, they will. If this is the end of their friendship, so be it. But let her solve her own problems.

No the other girl shouldn't have knocked her, but equally your daughter was being annoying and deliberately antagonising. They are both 9 and these children need to manage their own friendships at this age.

No matter how annoying your daughter may or may not have been, this would have been a criminal assault had it been committed by an older child.

And both girls sound like they need to learn how to be kind.

It's never ok to respond with physical aggression. I don't like how either of them spoke to each other and I think it would be quite important for me to address that. Sounds like they rub each other up the wrong way. I would suggest it is a good thing to learn that if something is really bothering someone it is polite to listen to their request and stop, but that can be really difficult if you feel like what they are asking you to do is stop being yourself. While its good to notice if what you do negatively impacts on other people, why shouldn't you swirl down the street and take up space if you want to? Sounds like the other child is worried about fitting in and that should definitely be questioned, especially if it comes to dimming your child's spark. I think your friends kid needs to know that the things she learns in karate should never be used on another person without their consent or unless its in self defence.