Friends DD threw my daughter to the ground

[AmIInside]

Friends daughter is 9 (same age as my DD). My DD is very into dancing and dances constantly. She dances in the house, around the living room, in her bedroom, in the garden, in the shops, in the street - constantly. She loves it.
Friends DD does karate and often practices that too.
Yesterday we were walking home from school and DD was dancing. Friends DD told her to “stop it” saying she was annoying and said “even my mum thinks you’re annoying, don’t you mum?”. Friend went bright red and said she’d never said that and her DD said “yes you did! You said “why can’t she just walk normal, remember?” Friend quickly changed the subject but was clearly embarrassed. I felt really awkward. Didn’t know what to say. DD said “I don’t care that I annoy you, if I want to dance I will do” and started to exaggerate her dancing a little and was swirling around us all. I told her to walk properly before she ends up crashing into someone. She swirled in front of friends DD who grabbed her and threw her to the floor. She landed awkwardly in a muddy puddle and really hurt her arm. She cried like mad 😢 friend told her DD off and told her to apologise, she refused saying DD started it and should just walk normal (echoing what her mum had obviously said). In anger DD shouted that friend was too ugly to be a dancer and that’s why she’s jealous. I told her off for that remark obviously but friends did retorted that DD was an attention seeking idiot and everyone thought so, even the teachers.

Anyway it got horrible and nasty. I can’t stop thinking about it.

Did she deserve to be thrown on the floor? I don’t think so. AIBU to message the mum and tell her how upset I am about the fact she’s clearly been slagging DD off at home?

Kids should not karate drop each other to the ground, that is not acceptable

Oh please it’s a 9 year old child who has pushed her annoying friend over into a puddle, not Bruce lee drop kicking a toddler, get some perspective.

I think there are 2 issues, her friend shouldn’t have physically assaulted her, no matter how annoying she was being but your DD on being asked to stop doing something, ramped up the dancing which the friend had already said was annoying her, so they are both in the wrong.

Also just because your DD loves dancing that’s irrelevant. Substitute it with any other activity that a child loved doing, eg if her friend practised karate moves all the way home and your DD asked her to stop but she kept on doing it all the more your DD would be annoyed and also not really appropriate to do it whilst walking. I wouldn’t mention it again to the DDs mum if I’m honest, unless you acknowledge your DD was in the wrong too.

I would say that this accident is your fault.

It sounds like you approve and even encourage the behaviour that you as an adult should realise could be really annoying. Your daughter could practise her dancing anywhere she likes as long as it is not in the way of other people.

would you be all sweetness and light to some one who just publicly told you how annoying you are and tried to get their mother, an adult , to gang up on you ? Then physically threw you into a muddy puddle where you hurt your arm badly and refused to apologize? Wouldn’t you be in shock and pain ?

bollocks.

OP what was it exactly that your daughter was doing? swirling around but not getting in anyone's way, but really getting close waving her arms in the other girl's face?

No, it wasn't wrong to throw her to the ground (it's not the other girl's fault, really, where or how your DD landed, that is her inexperience at Karate as your daughter's swirling and faffing about is her inexperience at dancing)

The girl's mum told her off. That is good. You didn't really tell your dd off, and she didn't stop. It would be victim-blamey to say she deserved to be hurt, but she should probably hear a few home-truths about how annoying the constant prancing about is.

And yes, your friend probably agreed with her dd saying "god the dancing around is annoying". I would. I loathe that kind of disregard for other people's comfort.

The absolute worst thing here though is how your daughter immediately escalated it to the "you're ugly" insult. That is really nasty and you need to get her to control that side of her temper.

Maybe you could ask the teachers if they have any issues around your DDs behaviour at school, without mentioning the dancing, just keep it general? maybe they're bursting to talk to you about it? Maybe not.

Tbh it sounds like a bit of a forced friendship between your daughters? perhaps give it a rest for a while?

71% saying yabu!! .

Yanby op. 9yr olds often skip or dance when walking home. No,the other kid should not have pushed her to the ground. I'd avoid her and her horrible mother if I were you.

@BoredZelda

There's a big difference between throwing someone to the ground out of nowhere and reacting to extreme annoyance.

Perhaps you could provide a list of things people should be expected to be physically thrown to the ground for? Might be useful when I'm trying to avoid being thrown to the floor by my work colleagues or my husband?

Don't be ridiculous.

@NotQuiteHere

I would say that this accident is your fault.

It sounds like you approve and even encourage the behaviour that you as an adult should realise could be really annoying. Your daughter could practise her dancing anywhere she likes as long as it is not in the way of other people.

Deliberately pushing someone isnt an accident

Maybe a lesson learned to be aware of others and not be so entitled to do what she feels like

Excellent. Now a 9 year old girl being thrown to the ground is teaching her a lesson.

Is this mumsnet or have I entered some alternative universe?

@cheninblanc

No she shouldn't have been pushed to the ground but she should have stopped twirling around, the other young girl had already said how annoying she was being. I think your daughter could do with learning that when people say stop it's a stop but the child do with apologising too

Other people need to learn that you don't physically assault someone because they are annoying. If she was a bit older that wouldn't work in court.

@PleasantBirthday fair point I didn’t think of it like that , I suppose I see it as the OP DD made that remark I. Reaction to have just been publicly attacked rather than a way she normally behaves because a lot of these posts come across as “well yeah she shouldn’t have pushed her but your DD is horrible too ”

Your dd was behaving like a pain in the arse and had been asked to stop, so instead she continues to be even more annoying on purpose. Actions have consequences. The other kid shouldn't have pushed her but if you're not going to make your child simmer down then is it a surprise the other girl lost her temper?

It doesn't sound like any of you particularly like each other, and id be coming down extremely hard on my child calling anyone ugly with the effect that can have on mental health and a girls perception of herself. Your daughter was acting pretty viciously to say that to her.

Your friend is allowed to think your kid is annoying. Particularly as her behaviour dancing around while people are trying to walk sounds incredibly annoying. So i wouldn't confront her at all. Just phase out the friendship if you can't handle other people having an opinion of your child's behaviour.

Many of my coworkers are annoying but I never throw anyone on the ground

I would cool the friendship to be honest. Your daughter’s behaviour does sound a little annoying, and the friends sound like they don’t really enjoy the friendship that much. That’s all pretty normal I think in friendships - they ebb and flow. The real issue is I think a completely disproportionate response which includes physical violence, which is NOT OK.

Don't be ridiculous.

Exactly. A ridiculous suggestion that there could be a set of behaviours that warranted being thrown to the ground.

Nobody deserves to be thrown to the ground, that was definitely out of order.

Unless the other mum has the sensitivity of a plank, she will be aware that you will be upset she has been rude about your DD behind her back, no need to drag it out by message.

If you want to keep associating with them, you all need to talk this through, if not (and I don't see why you would, doesn't sound like the girls are friends) then just distance yourselves from now on.

@AmIInside

This was on the way home, she’s practicing for a Christmas show

There's a time and place. The highways and byways aren't the place, especially when it's a busy time as children are going home. Your DD should be taught that urgently. The other child should not have pushed your daughter over but I can understand her frustration with such nuisance behaviour. But your DD responded with an extremely spiteful remark which will linger long after the sore arm is healed. So call it quits right there.

No, it wasn't wrong to throw her to the ground
GAH! it was wrong to throw her to the ground! nobody has come out of this looking good, tbh.

if i was going to award it on points I'd say your daughter is slightly worse because of the ugly jibe.

It's not acceptable to push someone to the ground. However, if this had been nipped in the bud when it became clear it was aggrevating the other person, ie your DD had listened and stopped, or you'd had a gentle word, then the other girl might not have been provoked. Your DD sounds like she's a happy girl with a lovely spirit, but I have to say it'd certainly annoy me if anyone was constantly dancing around me.

Don't be absurd. Nobody "deserves" to be thrown to the ground. Your daughter sounds irritating as does her friend. Childhood spats are childhood spats and parents should stay out of them. Both mothers should have a stern word with their respective daughters and teach them socially acceptable behaviour. It's not difficult.

@BoredZelda

Don't be ridiculous.

Exactly. A ridiculous suggestion that there could be a set of behaviours that warranted being thrown to the ground.

No, ridiculous that your reading ability is so poor.

@Clementineapples

Her DD told her that nobody likes her, not even the teachers.

And your dd said horrible things as well. Why can’t see you see that your dd was wrong?

Child is assaulted and hurt but its her own fault. Nice bit of victim blaming.

If she was a bit older that wouldn't work in court.

Some of you must live in very naice areas where the kids behave impeccably. In the real world kids shove and push and are physical with one another. They’re NINE so stop trying to act like it’s criminal assault or putting adult responsibility on their actions. Should dd be swirling about in front of someone who is trying to walk and said it’s annoying? No. Should the SAME AGE child have retaliated and pushed her? No. Difference is, other child’s mum told her off and asked her to apologise. Dd ignored her mum/friend/everyone, did what she wanted and cried when she pushed it too far.

Of course the girl shouldn't have thrown your daughter, and needs to learn that it is never an appropriate response. I wonder what her karate teacher would say about her using her skills that way.

But really this is simply a case of kids, being kids, behaving immaturely, because they can't quite control their impulses yet. They don't yet fully understand the rules and etiquette of the adult world.

You absolutely shouldn't fall out with your friend over this. So what if she made some comment about your daughter - it sounds like she is a bit annoying sometimes and so what? Lovely kids can be, if they are energetic and a bit full on. It doesn't mean anything. Try not to be overly sensitive about that, she said it in private and it doesn't even sound that bad.

Your friend obviously needs to teach her daughter why what she did was wrong, and why physical violence is not a suitable reaction to somebody annoying you. You can talk to her about whether that is happening, but that's all.

Actually, on rereading, it seems clear that your friend’s remark about your dd being annoying and even teachers thinking so, was in response to what your dd had said to her daughter which was very cruel, as others have said. I’m not surprised your friend lashed out verbally after that.

there is a reason there is a criminal age of responsibility, so saying this wouldn't fly in court is ridiculous.

There's a child at my kids school who does this exact thing! (I'm not the other parent btw - I don't have any karate kid children!)

Despite other parents and children quite often asking her to pack it in, said child who's 7/8 gets under everyone's feet, has been known to randomly smack other children whilst pirouetting and refuses point blank to pack it in even when asked to.

Indulgent mother smiles, does that tinkly laugh thing and occasionally says "Oh you do love your dancing so much don't you" Indulgent mother doesn't have any playground mum friends, no one stands near her or starts up conversations with her any more. Her child's a PITA and her mother is oblivious to everyone being annoyed around her.

Violence isn't ok, but it sounds like your child is annoying, and when told how annoying she is, she continues and you indulge her so they are better off apart from each other. I certainly wouldn't message the child's mum, its done now.