Friends DD threw my daughter to the ground

[AmIInside]

Friends daughter is 9 (same age as my DD). My DD is very into dancing and dances constantly. She dances in the house, around the living room, in her bedroom, in the garden, in the shops, in the street - constantly. She loves it.
Friends DD does karate and often practices that too.
Yesterday we were walking home from school and DD was dancing. Friends DD told her to “stop it” saying she was annoying and said “even my mum thinks you’re annoying, don’t you mum?”. Friend went bright red and said she’d never said that and her DD said “yes you did! You said “why can’t she just walk normal, remember?” Friend quickly changed the subject but was clearly embarrassed. I felt really awkward. Didn’t know what to say. DD said “I don’t care that I annoy you, if I want to dance I will do” and started to exaggerate her dancing a little and was swirling around us all. I told her to walk properly before she ends up crashing into someone. She swirled in front of friends DD who grabbed her and threw her to the floor. She landed awkwardly in a muddy puddle and really hurt her arm. She cried like mad 😢 friend told her DD off and told her to apologise, she refused saying DD started it and should just walk normal (echoing what her mum had obviously said). In anger DD shouted that friend was too ugly to be a dancer and that’s why she’s jealous. I told her off for that remark obviously but friends did retorted that DD was an attention seeking idiot and everyone thought so, even the teachers.

Anyway it got horrible and nasty. I can’t stop thinking about it.

Did she deserve to be thrown on the floor? I don’t think so. AIBU to message the mum and tell her how upset I am about the fact she’s clearly been slagging DD off at home?

@AmIInside

This was on the way home, she’s practicing for a Christmas show

@AmIInside - It's not just about the show though is it? ....and by your own admission..... "into dancing and dances constantly. She dances in the house, around the living room, in her bedroom, in the garden, in the shops, in the street - constantly. She loves it."

That's pretty tedious, maybe not to you but to everyone else around her. One of my daughters friends is like this and I find it exhausting having her here or going out with her. I'm glad when she cannot make a get together.

You might look at her and think "oh my little talented precious and she's practicing for her Xmas show don't you know" but others clearly find her annoying. Sounds like teachers are also asking her to calm it down based on the comment the other girl made.

Time to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her and others are entitled to an opinion. Both girls didn't behave well didn't they?

TBH the comment … she was practicing for a Christmas show… I don’t think this DD can ever be wrong 🤣 I’m amazed anyone would walk down the road with her in the first place ! Your friend was being honest .

Perhaps your child needs to learn as part of normal growing up that other children find their dancing annoying...I mean that's just kid stuff isn't it.

If I was you I'd text the mum and say - bloody dds are so annoying (both of them) shall we take them for a hot chocolate tomorrow and get them to apologise to each other and be friends again.

Otherwise you will both fall out and your dds will be best friends again next week making it awkward.

Kids are annoying. Both your dds sound annoying. You need to speak to your dd and tell her she's old enough to walk nicely now and that is what you expect. She can practice her dancing in dance class and her room.

As a complete aside - if your daughter struggles with her attention and moods as she gets older please keep in mind Attention Deficit Disorder. Its not as obvious in girls but when they hit puberty and go to high school they can struggle with getting homework done etc.
My daughter skipped every where when younger - very happy kid - just diagnosed as ADD at 15. There is a famous dancer who danced all the time as a kid and was also diagnosed ADD as an adult.
Nothing wrong with her dancing but if its too the point other people find it annoying she must be doing it a lot so might be a sign of hyperactivity.

I think those comments your daughter made about her friend being ugly was a real insight to what she’s probably like to other children when there are no adults around.
Who knows what other comments she’s thrown at the other girl. It does seem like she was purposely provoking her.
I’d step away from the friendship to be honest.

@holidaynearlyover

Do not message the mum. Your daughter does sound annoying, tbh most children other than your own are annoying and she's allowed to say what she thinks at home.

Teach your daughter some manners. Your friend told her daughter off so that's the end of it

So if someone assaulted you would that just let it go?

I'm sorry, OP. But your DD sounds very annoying. Tell her there's a time and a place and the street after school is neither.

She shouldn't have been thrown to the floor but the other girl must have just had enough of her silliness.

Yes, you would bu to message the mum. You will just escalate it further. I’m sure many of us have made offhand comments about other people’s children that we would hate to have repeated (as children tend to do at the most inappropriate moment!!!) Your dd was being annoying and didn’t stop when she was told. The other girl shouldn’t have thrown her. It should really have stopped there though with an apology from them both. It was a bit mean for your friend to say that teacher’s etc think you’re dd is annoying. She may be feeling bad about that though and will probably be more likely to apologise to you if you don’t go in all guns blazing. Leave things to settle for a few days and see what happens.

The girls were being nasty and spiteful to each other and, as both you and her mom were there, it should never have been allowed to escalate.

If your daughter was dancing in front of her and stopping her from being able to walk home like she wanted to, she initiated the physicality.
The other girl wasn't right to throw her on the floor either.

Don't confront the other mother. I'm sure you'll have got home and slagged this girl off too.

Everyone sucks here.

Friend's DD shouldn't have thrown your DD to the ground.
Friend shouldn't be discussing your DD.
You were ineffectual.
Your DD was annoying.

Her comments about her friend's looks were cruel and I'd be thinking about where that came from. Why does she think you have to be good looking to dance? Why does she place value on that? Does she see dancing as superior to karate and why? Why on earth does she think it is in any way acceptable to be cruel about her friend's appearance?

I know she was provoked, but that's the kind of comment that can linger and cause problems.

Teachers*

Well this post isn’t about the violence - your friend told her daughter off so nobody is condoning that.

What it is about is your daughter being slagged off. YANBU. Constant dancing is dangerous, annoying and not cute. I don’t even know how you’d swirl around while walking and I dance.

She’s not wrong, correct your daughter.

Violence is not ok. But kids do thump one another when annoyed. They each need to apologise one another and move on. don't make a big deal out of it.

Your daughter shouldnt have been pushed to the ground and I hope the other parent punished her DD for that and has a serious conversation with her as it's totally unacceptable behaviour.

However your DD does sound like she would be annoying. She was told it was annoying the other child and carried on regardless. Yes she loves dancing and that's wonderful but very people like people dancing around them constantly as quite honestly it's irritating and a trip hazard so maybe it's time to start explaining to her she shouldn't be doing that and why not. If she wants friends she can't deliberately annoy them. I am quite laid back but this would irritate me.

Both girls behaved badly though the other DD went to far but had your DD listened to her friend and stopped when told it wouldn't have escalated. Let the other mum deal with her DDs behaviour and you deal with yours.

Both girls were horrible and out of order. Both got told off. Not the other mum’s fault, just like it’s not your fault what your daughter said. Other mum clearly does find the dancing annoying but she’s entitled to her opinion; she didn’t say it to your daughter and was clearly embarrassed. I think YABU to message her as if you are the offended party. You could message to say how unpleasant the whole thing was and see if there is anything that can be done when things have cooled down, to restore the relationship.

So if someone assaulted you would that just let it go?

Oh give me strength, kids pushing each other isn’t assault or a new thing. At least the kid was told off for it unlike ops daughter who apparently can dance wherever she wants regardless of other people.

Your DD sounds an annoying pain in the neck. You should have stepped when she was misbehaving.

Was she really "thrown to the floor" by a 9 year old girl? Anway - violence is not the answer. However, your daughter sounds like a nightmare and if three people had told/intimated that her dancing around was inappropriate and she continued, then she needs to give herself a shake and stop being to self absorbed. I assume she was pushed and caught off balance (which would not have happened if she had been walking normally)

You parent your own DD. Let other mum parent hers.

Both of the DDs didn't handle this well.They:re 9, they're going to get things wrong. Talk to DD about her actions and how she responded, was it it kind, was it helpful? ...I'm hoping you think obviously not, she escalated the situation and was deliberately hurtful. Also it was not ok for other child to assault her, both are at fault.
.

If your DD reflects on the situation and would like to chat with the other girl then facilitate that. If she doesn't then just let each other have some space.

I would be well and truly fucked off with your DD prancing all over the place all the fucking time! She sounds like a pain in the arse. If her friend has said teachers are annoyed with her, she must be disruptive in class too. That's so annoying!
I think your DD provoked her friend and paid the price for that, then turned nasty calling her friend ugly!!

Can't you see that your daughter is in the wrong here and people talk about others behind closed doors, that's natural. Your friend saying "God I wish that girl would just stop prancing about, it's annoying!" is not really that worst thing that could be said.

You need to tell your daughter that she needs to calm it down and leave the dance practise for when it's appropriate, not when walking home from school and doing it just annoy others.

No one deserves to be thrown to the floor - friend's DD was over the top doing that.

However, if your DD knew she was annoying people, why did she keep doing it?

I live with 2 people who like to wind up others. It's fucking wearing. I can't stop either of them from doing it (DH and DS2), despite trying all different ways.

DS2 does it to DS1, and ends up getting hurt. Both of them end up getting pissed off because they both get told off - DS2 for being a fucking wind-up merchant, and DS1 for reacting to it and hurting him. And then usually DS2 again for going after DS1 to "repay" him, and then DS1 again for responding in kind to the repayment.

Fucking WEARING.

And it could all be avoided if the annoyance was just STOPPED.

If only this would happen:
"DS2/DH, that's really annoying, could you please stop?"
"Oh sorry mum/wife, yes of course, I didn't realise. I'll stop now"

End of drama.
NEVER fucking happens though. [DOOM]

To help your daughter with friendships and all relationships it’s important for her to practice putting herself in the shoes of others.

She’s walking along and sharing a public space with others, she has no more right over that space than her friend, so if she’s dancing and moving about everyone else has to accommodate her. That isn’t fair.

She might be practising for a show, but she can do that at home in her own space like everyone else needs to. Dancing in the street is silly and unnecessary and risks (as you point out yourself) causing an accident.

If I were you, I would be teaching my daughter that lesson. Not focussing on someone else and their family.

I don’t think this has gone as the Op hoped

Sounds like your dd is a spoilt show off. Nobody likes that. At 9 your dd does not need to practise the show in the street, I'm pretty sure most 9 year olds don't walk home practising martial arts,sports, music instruments for any competitions or
recitals coming up.