Friends DD threw my daughter to the ground

[AmIInside]

Friends daughter is 9 (same age as my DD). My DD is very into dancing and dances constantly. She dances in the house, around the living room, in her bedroom, in the garden, in the shops, in the street - constantly. She loves it.
Friends DD does karate and often practices that too.
Yesterday we were walking home from school and DD was dancing. Friends DD told her to “stop it” saying she was annoying and said “even my mum thinks you’re annoying, don’t you mum?”. Friend went bright red and said she’d never said that and her DD said “yes you did! You said “why can’t she just walk normal, remember?” Friend quickly changed the subject but was clearly embarrassed. I felt really awkward. Didn’t know what to say. DD said “I don’t care that I annoy you, if I want to dance I will do” and started to exaggerate her dancing a little and was swirling around us all. I told her to walk properly before she ends up crashing into someone. She swirled in front of friends DD who grabbed her and threw her to the floor. She landed awkwardly in a muddy puddle and really hurt her arm. She cried like mad 😢 friend told her DD off and told her to apologise, she refused saying DD started it and should just walk normal (echoing what her mum had obviously said). In anger DD shouted that friend was too ugly to be a dancer and that’s why she’s jealous. I told her off for that remark obviously but friends did retorted that DD was an attention seeking idiot and everyone thought so, even the teachers.

Anyway it got horrible and nasty. I can’t stop thinking about it.

Did she deserve to be thrown on the floor? I don’t think so. AIBU to message the mum and tell her how upset I am about the fact she’s clearly been slagging DD off at home?

It depends on whether you want to keep your DD's friend's mum as a friend. If you say anything it will damage the friendship between you.
I would just accept that the friend's mum has been talking about your DD at home, as many parents talk privately about their children's friends, and also accept that your DD has been irritating other people by dancing around constantly.

This was on the way home, she’s practicing for a Christmas show

And? Nobody else practices the Christmas show while walking down the street, deliberately provoking her friend and ignoring her mum who said to walk normally.

No, your daughter did not deserve that - aggression is always wrong. I hope her arm is better soon and that they resolve their argument and are friends again.

However, your daughter is 9 years old and needs to start considering other people - he behaviour annoys others, and is frankly going to single her out as being a bit 'odd'. At 9, she's not a pre-schooler and it's not all about her all the time.

As for your friend, I can understand that she has privately vented that she finds your DD annoying if she is constantly doing this - she just didn't consider that her daughter would let it slip!

I work with children and I would think your DD needs to mature emotionally, if I'm honest! Otherwise she'll be pushed out of her friendship groups by the others who are older than her, mentally!

She definitely did not deserve to be thrown to the ground...but at 9 she is a little too old to be dancing around the streets imo. I have 2 nieces around that age and if I was out with them and they were dancing around I'd find it annoying and attention seeking too and would probably tell them to stop! I doubt the mother meant any harm in calling her annoying she probably said it in a throw away comment and definitely didn't mean for her dd to tell you!!!

Think of it this way imagine your trying to talk to someone and they're dancing in front of you...its distracting and would be interpreted that they're more interested in themselves than the company they're in...its attention seeking "look at me" behaviour.

In fairness the mother did intervene and did her best to sort it and both girls said nasty things...did both girls apologise in the end?

@AmIInside

This was on the way home, she’s practicing for a Christmas show

She doesn't need to practice in the street. It does sound really annoying tbh and maybe she's showing off. Both girls behaved badly. I'd leave it at that and speak to your daughter about where it's appropriate to dance.

No, obviously she shouldn’t have been thrown on the ground.

It does sound annoying for her to constantly be dancing while you’re walking, especially as you had told her to stop. And you said she dances in shops? That sounds really irritating. And what she said to her friend about being ugly was really horrible.
Also when you say “slagging her off at home” you don’t know how that conversation happened. It could have been that her DD said something about how the constant dancing was annoying, and her mum just agreed that walking normally was better.

I think your daughter needs to learn how to rein it in a bit. Constant dancing sounds really irritating.

She also called the other girl ugly. Not very nice was it?

No apologies, it ended with them both saying how much they hate each other. Her DD told her that nobody likes her, not even the teachers.

Your daughter sounds really annoying, I’d have a chat with her otherwise she will likely alienate herself and end up friendless. Dancing around the street constantly is cute when you’re 3, strange when you’re 9.

Obviously her friend shouldn’t have assaulted her and there’s no excuse for it but I definitely wouldn’t contact the mum about it when she’s already told her daughter off and to apologise.

Her DD told her that nobody likes her, not even the teachers.

And your dd said horrible things as well. Why can’t see you see that your dd was wrong?

Lots of issues here. Your DD did not deserve being pushed to the ground and hurt. Completely unacceptable. Your dd's comment to the other girl was also completely unacceptable.

But are you really not aware of how the constant dancing will be really irritating for many, many people? Surely she doesn't do this when moving around the school when she is meant to be walking sensibly. Dancing constantly at home or in the garden is perfectly fine. In the shops and on the streets is not. You must know this.

Your DD chooses to dance all the time when walking is more appropriate. You indulge this choice. And yes, it is attention seeking. And quite dangerous to be swirling around other people with no regard for their personal space.

It sounds like some home truths were dished out. Of course, it will be hurtful to hear them. Doubt the friendship will recover. But use this situation to help your DD to learn about more appropriate behaviour. This constant dancing and twirling will not be tolerated at secondary school.

I wouldn’t message the other mum. Purely because it’s awkward. I’m sure all adults have opinions on other people’s kids, this is a lesson for her not to share those thoughts with her DD in future.

Whether your DD’s dancing is annoying or not (sounds it, sorry!), no the other child should not have pushed her, that was cruel no matter how it started. The friend asked her DD to apologise and it seems like it all just got a bit nasty (what your DD said in retaliation wasn’t nice either, in fact it was quite spiteful although I know she was upset).

Put it down to a (bad) experience and move on.

Let the girls deal with it, they are 9, not 4. Yes, your daughter does sound attention seeking and annoying, but obviously nobody should push anyone on the ground. No need for any forced apologies, they are just not friends anymore.

I think it's clear that the friendship is over. I wouldn't contact the other girls mother as both girls behaved badly and clearly your child does annoy them both.
I'd speak to your daughter about it's absolutely never ok for anyone to put their hands on her. Ever and show her that you support her.

Friend absolutely shouldn't have thrown her to the ground.

DD shouldn't be annoying.

They both sound like they were being nasty too each other in quite a typical kid way. Sometimes 9 year olds are pains in the bum and horrible to their friends.

I would try not to get too emotionally invested in their friendships and fallings out. They will probably be besties again by Monday.

Both were in the wrong. You have no reason at all to message your friend, she also hasn't done wrong by mentioning at home how she finds your dd annoying by being unable to walk properly down the street. That shit is irritating.

@AmIInside

No apologies, it ended with them both saying how much they hate each other. Her DD told her that nobody likes her, not even the teachers.

It sounds like the teachers are probably getting irritated by her constant dancing too. It's really not appropriate.

The pushing over was totally wrong but I would also be very concerned if my daughter said something so awful to her friend about being ugly, that’s not on.

Everybody sounds in the wrong here

Obviously the other girl should not have hurt your DD

But equally when someone has told you something you are doing is irritating them then you should stop, not do it more just to provoke them - my child would have been told off for that
Plus she resorted to calling someone ugly!! This is pretty shocking, I have a hard line with my children that we never ever talk about someone’s appearance (unless it’s something like you have food on your chin or a leaf in your hair) but I would’ve been mortified at this

If your DD is acting like this at school it’s entirely likely that her friend was right and nobody does like her, kids don’t have very much patience for things like this
Why haven’t you spoken to her about how to behave appropriately in public? She can’t just dance wherever and whenever she wants!

@AmIInside

No apologies, it ended with them both saying how much they hate each other. Her DD told her that nobody likes her, not even the teachers.

Children of that age are still learning about self-control and social etiquette. I would take all the stuff that was said with a huge pinch of salt as children are apt to say cruel things when provoked, just for the sake of it. Let's face it, adults can be unpleasant enough at times, especially on social media. A bit of space/cooling off between them would probably be a great idea and they can decide whether to rekindle their friendship down the road.

She should not have been thrown to the ground, but that said I once got hit in the face by a kid “dancing” in the supermarket, you should make her walk properly.

@AmIInside

No apologies, it ended with them both saying how much they hate each other. Her DD told her that nobody likes her, not even the teachers.

And your child called her ugly, kids are cruel and there was 2 of them in it.

Op in the nicest possible way I'm sure you love to see your talented child dance ...nobody else does, to everyone else seeing a 9 yo dancing in the street is attention seeking and slightly embarrassing tbh.

I would leave it be by the sounds of it the 2 girls don't get on

I’d say six of one, half a dozen of the other here - although the other girl really shouldn’t have used violence (so maybe that takes it to 7:5!). The other mother told her child off and said she should apologise - which was the correct response. Sounds like both girls need to consider their behaviour.

@HogDogKetchup

It’s not for anyone to police your DD, it’s certainly not for anyone else to physically assault your DD.

This. It’s totally unacceptable for your DD to be assaulted like this, surprised how many parents here think violence is acceptable if someone is being annoying. Also just because you’re friends doesn’t mean the DDs have to be, just distance yourself from them.

It's awful that this kid reacted aggressively but my two children do this sort if thing as part if sibling bickering. One will behave in a wind up annoying way then the other one will snap and push them. Your child was winding them up and got a reaction.

I'm sure your friend is embarrassed about the comment that their child repeated.

I have to say if one if my children called another kid ugly in any circumstances whatsoever I would be incredibly mortified and that would be seriously dealt with.