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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give this money to DC?

153 replies

LoveyH · 03/11/2021 16:48

I have one DC with DH who has a DS from a previous relationship. My DS is 3 nearly 4 and DSS is 9.

One of parents has recently given me a large (for us anyway!) sum of money as part of an early inheritance.

DH has always said he saw this as my money and it would be up to me what I spent it on but we ended up using the majority on a house deposit and some works that needed doing when we moved in so 90% of it has been spent on things for our family.

Me and DH have savings and we all live pretty comfortably.

I would now like to put the remainder of the funds into my son's savings account, my parent who gave the money is very happy for me to do this and I think it will be nice one day to be able to say GP paid for X or Y.

I am also planning to use a small portion to take my son out for the day. DH works some weekends so I like the idea of having a Mum and son day out doing something fun together and not really worrying too much what I spend on lunch, at the gift shop, or whatever iyswim, likely asking my parent to come along too.

DH has mentioned tonight that he thinks it would be fairer to split the money between the two children (DSS has a savings account too which DH and DSS's Mum pays into every month, admittedly with not as much in it as my parents also pay into DS's as well as myself and DH).

He also thinks we should do a family trip too.

I do see his points but at the same time I was looking forward to just having a nice day with DS and am, maybe selfishly, reluctant to agree to change this.

I am also reluctant, again, maybe unreasonably so, to split the remainder of the funds between the two children as DSS doesn't really have much of a relationship with my parent. No one is unkind, they just don't really know each other that well.

OP posts:
GoldenElephant · 03/11/2021 16:49

No chance. DSS has his own two parents he can inherit from.

This would infuriate me.

Waahingwashingwashing · 03/11/2021 16:51

No way. It’s your money to spend as you see fit and you’ve already been more than reasonable using the big chunk for a house deposit

Original poster
LoveyH · 03/11/2021 16:53

He also said he thinks my parent, who gave the money, would like the idea of the two children having a nice time / benefitting. I on the other hand think that my parent wouldn't say anything because they are a nice person, but would rather see their grandson inherit it instead.

This is all part of a wider issue of DH hinting that I separate the children too much into mine and his.

We do argue about it per se but there is definitely an undercurrent of this theme recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveyH · 03/11/2021 16:54

We don't argue about it that should say.

OP posts:
AchyFlower · 03/11/2021 16:57

Up to you. Personally I'd pay for a day trip for us all and put the rest in savings for DC.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/11/2021 16:57

YANBU. DSS is not your child.

AchyFlower · 03/11/2021 16:57

This is all part of a wider issue of DH hinting that I separate the children too much into mine and his. I used to get similar until I pointed out they were his and ours.

AchyFlower · 03/11/2021 16:58

Pretending otherwise doesn't do anyone any good

Original poster
LoveyH · 03/11/2021 16:59

@AchyFlower

Up to you. Personally I'd pay for a day trip for us all and put the rest in savings for DC.
I could. But I just really really want a day out me and him Sad I don't even want to bring DH 🤣 it's rare these days that we get some proper 1:1 quality time and I'm really looking forward to it. I want a day where I don't want to say no to him as silly as that sounds, where he can have the huge toy in the gift shop or ice cream before his lunch that sort of thing ha!
OP posts:
1987qwerty · 03/11/2021 17:01

Presumably DSS's grandparents don't give gifts to your DS

Doomscrolling · 03/11/2021 17:01

Your parent gave you the money for yourself and their grandchild as an early inheritance. Why would DSS be part of inheriting from your parent? He has his own parents and grandparents to inherit from.

LethargicActress · 03/11/2021 17:01

Have a nice day with your ds and have a good family treat for all of you. Then out the rest into your own child’s savings and forget about it. You aren’t obliged to put your family’s money in your step child’s account. It would seem mean to do absolutely nothing nice with your DH and both your children if you’re in a position to, but it shouldn’t mean you can’t have a special day just for you and your child as well.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/11/2021 17:01

Very cheeky of him, can't believe he had the nerve to say it actually

CatRatSplat · 03/11/2021 17:01

Could you do day out for the 4 of and a mum and son day too? Anything else you do as you wish if that's for your ds only then that is your choice as pp said dss has his 2 parents paying into a savings fund should and would dss mum pay into your ds? No thought not.

ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 03/11/2021 17:02

He already saw it as your money, and as a result him and his son have already benefitted from 90% of it. Tell him you taken his points on board but you're going to proceed with your original plan, as you have ever right as it's yours.

gogohm · 03/11/2021 17:02

I think savings for your dc is fine for the day trip for you all us the the right balance

TurnUpTurnip · 03/11/2021 17:02

Absolutely no chance would I be giving any to dss.

AchyFlower · 03/11/2021 17:03

@LoveyH fair enough I get that. Could you afford 2 days? Just because your son might enjoy a day out with the rest of the family unit too. It's no big deal if you don't though. It's your money.

Moonshine11 · 03/11/2021 17:04

No I'd be giving to my own DS.
I would pay for a family day out though, could you do both?

TimetohittheroadJack · 03/11/2021 17:05

Are you talking a day out in Lapland that you dss would never get to go to die to the cost, or a day at a farm park that he is probably not really bothered about going to?

Original poster
LoveyH · 03/11/2021 17:05

[quote AchyFlower]@LoveyH fair enough I get that. Could you afford 2 days? Just because your son might enjoy a day out with the rest of the family unit too. It's no big deal if you don't though. It's your money.[/quote]
I think I've kind of just stubbornly got it into my head how much I want to put into DS's savings and how much that leaves me for a big day out if that makes sense? So to do it twice I'd have to lessen what I wanted to put away for him.

OP posts:
honeylulu · 03/11/2021 17:06

Well if your stepson's mum pays into your son's savings account too then he might have a point. But let me guess ... she doesn't?

dementedmummy · 03/11/2021 17:06

I dont think it is up to you to put money into dss bank account. He has 2 parents and his own grandparents to do that for him.
I also dont think it is unreasonable to have a day out with your your son on your own.
Could you possibly do a day out with your son and a family day out as a compromise and put some money into your son's account only?

blubberyboo · 03/11/2021 17:06

I think you should firmly point out that DSS can inherit from your DHs parents and from his maternal grandparents. That is the fairest way.
It means your DS will inherit less from his fathers parents

mygenericusername · 03/11/2021 17:07

Go and buy yourself a nice piece of diamond jewellery/Rolex or a limited edition handbag that will only appreciate with time.

Tell your husband you spent the money on yourself to avoid any fall out. Put said heirloom away for DS to cash in when he’s 18.

Your DH is a Massive CF.

Do it and tell him what you’ve done so there’s no discussion.

Also get your wills in order

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