AIBU to give this money to DC?

[LoveyH]

I have one DC with DH who has a DS from a previous relationship. My DS is 3 nearly 4 and DSS is 9.

One of parents has recently given me a large (for us anyway!) sum of money as part of an early inheritance.

DH has always said he saw this as my money and it would be up to me what I spent it on but we ended up using the majority on a house deposit and some works that needed doing when we moved in so 90% of it has been spent on things for our family.

Me and DH have savings and we all live pretty comfortably.

I would now like to put the remainder of the funds into my son's savings account, my parent who gave the money is very happy for me to do this and I think it will be nice one day to be able to say GP paid for X or Y.

I am also planning to use a small portion to take my son out for the day. DH works some weekends so I like the idea of having a Mum and son day out doing something fun together and not really worrying too much what I spend on lunch, at the gift shop, or whatever iyswim, likely asking my parent to come along too.

DH has mentioned tonight that he thinks it would be fairer to split the money between the two children (DSS has a savings account too which DH and DSS's Mum pays into every month, admittedly with not as much in it as my parents also pay into DS's as well as myself and DH).

He also thinks we should do a family trip too.

I do see his points but at the same time I was looking forward to just having a nice day with DS and am, maybe selfishly, reluctant to agree to change this.

I am also reluctant, again, maybe unreasonably so, to split the remainder of the funds between the two children as DSS doesn't really have much of a relationship with my parent. No one is unkind, they just don't really know each other that well.

Well I definitely wouldnt put in to your DSS savings when he has 2 parents putting in. Tell him when his ex starts transferring to your DS account, you'll do the same. Until then he can stop trying to guilt trip you considering you purchased a family home for you all.

I think your DH is a cheeky fucker actually.

As for the day trip, I would tell your DH you're taking away your parent and DC as a thank you and there is nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't go in to the whole "yes" day, it sounds all abit... precious (but I understand exactly what you mean and do it with my 3yo) And that You can all go for a meal when you're back, DSS's choice.

If OP puts half the remaining money into her DSC's account, and she and her DH split up in the future, her own parents' money has gone to a child that she will never see again.

That's enough reason for me to make it very clear that it's down to DSC's two parents and two sets of DGPs to save for him/her, and not his step-grandparents.

You’ve just put a chunk of it down for a house deposit, paid for works to make your house a nicer to place to live and paid for various other bits to benefit the family. I think it’s fair to say that DSS has benefitted from your money already.

You are entitled to ring fence however much you want for just your DS. Whether that’s putting money away in to savings for just him, taking him out for a lovely trip out with your parent (his grandparent), or just having a nice pot of money there to spend on him as and when you want or need to.

Do it all together - it’ll be nice.

She doesn’t want to. She wants a special day with her son and to go all out on that instead.

Then have a lower-key ‘yes day’ with DS (and your parent, if you like) where you go somewhere toddler-friendly and do everything he wants alll day - ice cream for breakfast etc.

Or the family day all together could be the lower key day.

I don’t think it’s up to you to fund your DSS savings, your DH is unreasonable there.

But if I was your DH I’d be pretty hurt if I was expected to miss out on seeing my child enjoy a really lovely trip/long weekend - wouldn’t you be? What if your DH said he had come into some money and wanted to take your son to Disney, alone, and you couldn’t come and share the magic because he wanted it all for himself? I’d take my child to a local zoo or something by myself, but if you’re talking a weekend at legoland or similar I think it’s pretty bloody harsh to say he can’t come. I’d never exclude my DH from a significant event in my children’s lives, they’re ours not mine.

I think the savings is fine and both children have their own grandparents who will contribute separately.

I think the big/extra special/maybe a whole weekend a way thing is a bit shitty on your step son (and possibly husband). A day just you and your son with a couple of extra treats I'd get and almost see that as the norm when your step son is with his mother, but specifically excluding your step son (and husband!) from doing something extra special seems a bit off too me. I'd be pissed off if my husband decided that he wanted to take my son away for the weekend to do something extra cool without me! (And at three years old it's not going to be something I'm not interested in but my son is like the football example mentioned by a PP)

For saying he sees it as your money, he certainly has a lot of opinions on what you should be doing with it!
Its natural that he would want both his children treated equally, but this is your family money. Your SS has his own mother to inhert from.

@funinthesun19

Do it all together - it’ll be nice.

She doesn’t want to. She wants a special day with her son and to go all out on that instead.

Then have a lower-key ‘yes day’ with DS (and your parent, if you like) where you go somewhere toddler-friendly and do everything he wants alll day - ice cream for breakfast etc.

Or the family day all together could be the lower key day.

I get that. And when I say she needs to “sell it” to her DH I’m just saying she needs to present it in a way that it doesn’t sound exclusionary and a bit selfish.

I’m not in a blended family. But if my DH said he was taking our DC to a day that was completely all about him spending his money on his kids doing things he wanted to treat them to and I couldn’t come… I’d feel hurt. Excluded.

If he said - I’ve saved up out of my money to treat the DC to this particular weekend away that we’ll all enjoy but you might not, but why don’t you arrange to take the DC to X that you’ll enjoy and I won’t, and then we’ll all have special memories, I’d be fine with it.

The reason suggested the ‘yes day’ as a lower key occasion is purely on the basis of the age of her DS. A toddler will enjoy a low-key day doing their heart’s desire in a different way and you can have just as much fun.

But if my DH said he was taking our DC to a day that was completely all about him spending his money on his kids doing things he wanted to treat them to and I couldn’t come… I’d feel hurt. Excluded.

Fair enough. Because that's your joint DC. This isn't. What if your DH had children from a previous marriage and wanted to do something just them? Would you feel OK about muscling in on time for the DC(s) to see their dad?

And where are all these men crawling out from? The ones who expect their second wives to be the bank and social secretary for the DCs from their first marriage.

The savings question is trickier for me and would be more of a dilemma re equal treatment.

The DSS has a father and a mother to save for him, take him on days out.

The DS has a father and a mother to save for him, take him on days out.

What could be more equal? Because if the OP were also to do that for the DSS he would have three people and the DS only two. And this is something that comes up on MN regularly with these fathers. When they say it has to be fair and equal, in reality that usually means that if they had their way, the SDCs would have more than the DCs. As PP's have said the DH, and by extension his children, have already benefitted from 90% of OP's inheritance. She's spent it on the whole family, including those she's not related to.

And then there was a thread a few days ago where the OP's DH wanted to take their four week old baby, on his own, to his brother's. Several posters were quick to say it's his baby too, he's a parent too, he's entitled to take the baby alone without the mother. Well in this case it's the mother who wants to take the DC alone, so why shouldn't she? She's the baby's parent too, after all.

So why shouldn't she? Because she's a stepmum. Which means that according to some on this thread she can't win. She's damned if she does include the SDCs, damned if she doesn't. Her own child doesn't come into it, isn't allowed anything that the SDCs don't also have.

@cultkid

I would split it

They are both your kids xx

Nope. Mumsnet is bonkers sometimes. Step kids are not your kids.

Not looking at the dss side, I personally couldn't go out on a wonderful big day out with my ds and not have dh there too!! I would want him to be there.

I’d say you really should have said that before I spent so much on the house for all of us- now I’ve only got left what I planned to put in ds’ account and to take him out and have a lovely time with him when I’ve been missing spending proper time with just him.

@saraclara

If OP puts half the remaining money into her DSC's account, and she and her DH split up in the future, her own parents' money has gone to a child that she will never see again.

That's enough reason for me to make it very clear that it's down to DSC's two parents and two sets of DGPs to save for him/her, and not his step-grandparents.

Exactly. Plus 90% of the inheritance has already gone on the house deposit and house stuff.

OP, have you sorted out your will? I’d be making sure that your DS gets your share and half of your DH’s share.

A very good point is that a not-even-4yo will have much different interests than a 9yo. Pick something for very young kids that the 9yo will find babyish and be repulsed at the thought of, problem solved.

Use all the money on your child.
I've got a DSS, I regret trying to treat him equally, he's grown up to be even more of a cunt than he was as a kid. I blame his parents.😄

Offer to downsize to a house with one less bedroom so you can recoup the money you put into the house? Then he can pay for the extra room for his child. And you can afford to take DSC on a day out! (This is not a real suggestion)

Op have the day with your DC.

However I'd keep the money in your own name.
Lots of kids accounts JISA etc get handed over automatically when the child turns 18. If you have a 17yo who's gone off the rails then the last thing you want is for them to have access to a load of money. Even kids who haven't gone off rails can be a bit blow it on stupid stuff not quite getting that it's money to secure their future.

It's certainly not unreasonable to ear mark it for your DC with out the step child having access to it.

I think DSS's mum or dad are the people to give DSS his "yes" day.

But be really careful. Small children very quickly normalise "yes" and find it hard going back to "no" 😀

You could put half in your dss savings just as soon as his mum puts half of her money in your child's savings!

I'd also go for a day just me and dc although I'd play it down a bit to DH. In our family we both do things with each child separately from time to time. It's good for our relationships.

Tbh the whole point is I want to do it me and DS (and possibly my parent who gave the money), not all of us

Sort out something with the DGP and the DS. DH is welcome to do likewise with DSS.

Does DH lobby to include your DC with his other child's outings? Or is it all one way?

Honestly 90% of your inheritance has already been shared with DH and DSS. Its bonkers to suggest you can't focus just 10% of it on the donor's actual grandchild.

I would be balancing the savings for a start if dc is getting much more into savings due to grandparents then Id be reducing mine/dh contributions to dc and upping dss.

Any reason you cant do two days out?

How many times do we hear "it doesn't matter what other people do as long as they are equal in your house"?
But now that works in favour of the OPs DC because of his grandparents contribution, suddenly he must receive less in savings from his mother and father than his half sibling?

@Hankunamatata

I would be balancing the savings for a start if dc is getting much more into savings due to grandparents then Id be reducing mine/dh contributions to dc and upping dss.

Any reason you cant do two days out?

Why does she have to do this? This is insane.

My daughter has just inherited tens of thousands from GPs on her dad's side. My husband's kids got a small inheritance from their GPs. No one is suggesting that my daughter shares her money out and we'd all (my husband included) think they were insane if they did!

In the words of my 18 year old right now, fuck that noise!

Remind him that the biggest chunk of your personally inherited money has gone into a family asset, and you’ll dispose of the remainder as you as fit.

@Hankunamatata

I would be balancing the savings for a start if dc is getting much more into savings due to grandparents then Id be reducing mine/dh contributions to dc and upping dss.

Any reason you cant do two days out?

Would you say the same if DSS received money from his grandparents on his mother's side?

I'm not going to reduce what I pay into my son's savings just because his grandparents want to pay in as well thank you.