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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give this money to DC?

153 replies

LoveyH · 03/11/2021 16:48

I have one DC with DH who has a DS from a previous relationship. My DS is 3 nearly 4 and DSS is 9.

One of parents has recently given me a large (for us anyway!) sum of money as part of an early inheritance.

DH has always said he saw this as my money and it would be up to me what I spent it on but we ended up using the majority on a house deposit and some works that needed doing when we moved in so 90% of it has been spent on things for our family.

Me and DH have savings and we all live pretty comfortably.

I would now like to put the remainder of the funds into my son's savings account, my parent who gave the money is very happy for me to do this and I think it will be nice one day to be able to say GP paid for X or Y.

I am also planning to use a small portion to take my son out for the day. DH works some weekends so I like the idea of having a Mum and son day out doing something fun together and not really worrying too much what I spend on lunch, at the gift shop, or whatever iyswim, likely asking my parent to come along too.

DH has mentioned tonight that he thinks it would be fairer to split the money between the two children (DSS has a savings account too which DH and DSS's Mum pays into every month, admittedly with not as much in it as my parents also pay into DS's as well as myself and DH).

He also thinks we should do a family trip too.

I do see his points but at the same time I was looking forward to just having a nice day with DS and am, maybe selfishly, reluctant to agree to change this.

I am also reluctant, again, maybe unreasonably so, to split the remainder of the funds between the two children as DSS doesn't really have much of a relationship with my parent. No one is unkind, they just don't really know each other that well.

OP posts:
honeylulu · 03/11/2021 17:29

I don't think so if I've read it correctly. The DH and SS mum (both that child's bio parents) pay into SS savings account. The OP, DH (ie that child's bio parents) and OP's parents pay into her DS savings account. DSS mum doesn't contribute financially to OP's DS (unsurprisingly) which sets the tone for what OP can expect to do with her inheritance.

DSS has a savings account too which DH and DSS's Mum pays into every month, admittedly with not as much in it as my parents also pay into DS's as well as myself and DH

honeylulu · 03/11/2021 17:30

Sorry that was replying to @AryaStarkWolf

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/11/2021 17:30

I agree with you. Your stepson has parents and grandparents who can do this for him. That's not your role.

Blossomtoes · 03/11/2021 17:30

@Clymene

So you've spent 90% of your money on things that you benefit from as a family and you want to spend the rest on your child?

Your husband has a problem. His kid has two parents. You're not one of them.

This. He doesn’t know when to stop.
Winecrispschocolatecats · 03/11/2021 17:30

Inheritance Tax (if applicable) is paid for from the deceased person's estate, not from gifts made to others. So the OP won't need to set anything aside for this purpose.

stingofthebutterfly · 03/11/2021 17:31

Depends how much you're talking, but I see no reason why you couldn't do a lovely day out as a family, with both children, and then another day just you and your child. I'd then put the rest into an account for just your child.

Saoirse82 · 03/11/2021 17:32

I'm very much of making sure SC are included in the 'new' family as much as possible but even I disagree with your DH on this. The inheritance should go to your DC as DSS has his own GPS. I think then a family day out would be nice so everyone benefits.

Original poster
LoveyH · 03/11/2021 17:34

@SirensofTitan

Of course dont have yo give any money to your DSS but I don't really understand why a day out is such a big thing.

Don't you do days out normally? That seems a bit of a non issue unless you're planning something that costs thousands of £££, why does it need to be tied in to the money, can't you go for a day out whenever you like?

We do days out every now and then yes.

I wasn't really referring to money when I was talking about ice cream, just that that's the type of thing I wanted to do a "yes day" ha. I'm also strongly considering going away for the weekend with him somewhere bigger than we usually would so yes it's more expensive than we'd usually spend on a trip out.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 03/11/2021 17:35

@Winecrispschocolatecats

A large gift given within 7 years of a person dying can attract IHT.

Therefore if OP’s parent dies within 7 years the gift will be considered as part of the estate for IHT.

clpsmum · 03/11/2021 17:36

@AchyFlower

Up to you. Personally I'd pay for a day trip for us all and put the rest in savings for DC.
This
BurntTheFuckOut · 03/11/2021 17:37

@GoldenElephant

No chance. DSS has his own two parents he can inherit from.

This would infuriate me.

This
drpaddington · 03/11/2021 17:38

I guess legally speaking (although I don't know for sure) inheritance does count as family money?

I'm not sure- I think if you're named in a will it must go to you, up to you whether you use it as family money/ pass some on to others.

Vanessashanessajenkins2 · 03/11/2021 17:39

It's your money from your parent. Put in DS's savings account. If my husband suggested to split the money I would be infuriated too!

As for the day out, again your money, your choice. A family day out is nice but if you would rather a nice weekend away with your son, I would just do that!

BunNcheese · 03/11/2021 17:40

@ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff

He already saw it as your money, and as a result him and his son have already benefitted from 90% of it. Tell him you taken his points on board but you're going to proceed with your original plan, as you have ever right as it's yours.
Exactly this.

You said your both comfortable so let him put his hand in his pocket for the family trip!

He's pushing boundaries.

itsgettingwierd · 03/11/2021 17:41

@AchyFlower

Up to you. Personally I'd pay for a day trip for us all and put the rest in savings for DC.
That's exactly what I thought after reading the OP.

Savings are different as he has 2 parents himself but it would be nice to do something as a family. Or even do a family and separate trip.

Chloemol · 03/11/2021 17:42

Your DSS already has two parents and two sets of grandparents he could inherit from

Your child has two parents and two sets of grandparents. In this case it’s the material grandparents, that are not shared with the children, who gave the money to you. Therefore it’s your money to choose what to do with and your child that should get a lump sum saved if that’s what you want to do

You perhaps should ask him if his ex’s parents will give your child some inheritance as they are half siblings, after all that’s what he is asking of your parents

It’s also you choice to have a day out with just your child but perhaps you could do that, then a joint one with dh and DSS, somewhere else?

whenthedoveslie · 03/11/2021 17:42

Not a chance would I contribute to any step child's savings account when they have two living parents.

I wonder if you had a child from a previous relationship would your DH would be so keen to gift them money from his parents estate? I highly highly doubt it.

HaroldSteptoesHorse · 03/11/2021 17:43

You’re in a relationship with children who are a part of your family now. Why wouldn’t you treat them both the same?

Mosky · 03/11/2021 17:43

So you used the bulk of the money on your house? That benefits the whole family.
It might help if we knew how much you were talking about.

I do think there is a subtle difference between putting the money away for your child's future and using it on a day out.
Also what if you have more children?
While I would agree that it should not go to the SS I would put the rest in an account for DS and keep the day out as a seperate thing.

AchyFlower · 03/11/2021 17:45

@HaroldSteptoesHorse

You’re in a relationship with children who are a part of your family now. Why wouldn’t you treat them both the same?
Because they have their own parents and OP is not one of them. If her DH left her tomorrow she would potentially have nothing to do with them.
ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 03/11/2021 17:47

@HaroldSteptoesHorse

You’re in a relationship with children who are a part of your family now. Why wouldn’t you treat them both the same?

She didn't find the money in the street. It's been gifted by a grandparent who wants it to go to their blood grandchild.

Flubbah · 03/11/2021 17:47

Tell DH to fuck off. Your parents didn’t work and earn money to benefit a stranger, which is what DSS is to them. DSS is not in line to inherit from your parents, he has his own family.

PinkSyCo · 03/11/2021 17:53

I would compromise and do a family trip to include DSS, as it sounds like you could easily afford that as well as a separate day out with just your DS, but no way should you put money into your DSS account! That’s just craziness.

DelphiniumBlue · 03/11/2021 17:56

I wouldn't even be discussing it. It's your money, do what you want with it. You don't need DH's permission. Do you get a say over how much DH puts into DSS's account, or how much maintenance he pays?
Anyway if DH wants to have a family day out, he has savings from which he can pay for it. DSS is not being deprived.
You have every right to take your own son out for the day/weekend/on holiday.
Just quietly get on with whatever you want to do. You don't need to say how much you are going to spend.

Subbaxeo · 03/11/2021 17:57

Is it that big a deal to treat everyone to a family day out as well as a day with your son? How much would a trip to the zoo cost? £100? Hardly going to substantially affect a largish inheritance. If you do feel uncomfortable using your parents’ gift in this way, you say you have savings and live comfortably. Could you discuss with your husband for you both to dip into that for a family treat?
And posters recommending she tell her husband to fuck off? Are you always so belligerent?

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