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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give this money to DC?

153 replies

LoveyH · 03/11/2021 16:48

I have one DC with DH who has a DS from a previous relationship. My DS is 3 nearly 4 and DSS is 9.

One of parents has recently given me a large (for us anyway!) sum of money as part of an early inheritance.

DH has always said he saw this as my money and it would be up to me what I spent it on but we ended up using the majority on a house deposit and some works that needed doing when we moved in so 90% of it has been spent on things for our family.

Me and DH have savings and we all live pretty comfortably.

I would now like to put the remainder of the funds into my son's savings account, my parent who gave the money is very happy for me to do this and I think it will be nice one day to be able to say GP paid for X or Y.

I am also planning to use a small portion to take my son out for the day. DH works some weekends so I like the idea of having a Mum and son day out doing something fun together and not really worrying too much what I spend on lunch, at the gift shop, or whatever iyswim, likely asking my parent to come along too.

DH has mentioned tonight that he thinks it would be fairer to split the money between the two children (DSS has a savings account too which DH and DSS's Mum pays into every month, admittedly with not as much in it as my parents also pay into DS's as well as myself and DH).

He also thinks we should do a family trip too.

I do see his points but at the same time I was looking forward to just having a nice day with DS and am, maybe selfishly, reluctant to agree to change this.

I am also reluctant, again, maybe unreasonably so, to split the remainder of the funds between the two children as DSS doesn't really have much of a relationship with my parent. No one is unkind, they just don't really know each other that well.

OP posts:
cultkid · 03/11/2021 18:56

I would split it

They are both your kids xx

AchyFlower · 03/11/2021 18:58

@cultkid

I would split it

They are both your kids xx

No they aren't.
TidyDancer · 03/11/2021 18:58

@cultkid

I would split it

They are both your kids xx

But they're not, are they? I understand the logic, but OP's DSS will get money from his DM that OP's DS won't benefit from.

Family day out would be nice but absolutely no split re inheritance imo.

Youseethethingis · 03/11/2021 18:59

My DH made similar noises when we were sorting out wills out. It apparently hadn't occured to him that my will would be anything other than a straight 50/50 split between DSD and DS.
It hadn't occured to me that it would be anything other than a split between him and DS, the two people I have any actual responsibility for.
Since neither he nor DSD think I am important enough a figure in her life to warrant so much as a birthday card from her, it was rather a puzzle why I was all of a sudden considered a maternal figure when it came to my money.
He got it when I explained it in those terms. I can't know my place and stay out of parental business all my life only to shaft my son and give DSD half my money when I die.
Hold the line, OP. He's being unreasonable.

NoSquirrels · 03/11/2021 18:59

At 3, a ‘yes day’ is a concept for you not your DS. He’s too little to understand that this is a one-off out of the ordinary treat, and he won’t really remember it (& if he does it will bite you because he’ll want that big toy in the gift shop next time too!)

So long as you’re clear it’s for you, not him.

I’d do as suggested- most in savings for your DS and a family outing/weekend away.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 03/11/2021 19:02

That's easier to bat back at DH than you might think.

DSS already benefits from the money - the house you live in
DH already benefits in the same way

So he and his DC have already shared in the joy of 90% of the money your parents gave you.

DSS has 2 parents and a grandparents. They save for DSS. Do they ever offer your DC any money?

Does DSS ever go anywhere without you/your DC?

Using your DHs logic they should be giving you cash for your DC and taking your DC out on their family trip/occasions.

They have the same relationship with your DC as your parents have with DSS. That your DH sees you treat them differently is because to you, they bloody well are different.

What he is suggesting is to dilute your DC family in order to include DSS. But there is no balance. You and your DC do all the giving, DH does all the appropriation for his other DC. HE needs to treat/love them all the same... but no body else does because they don't have the same relationship with them.

Tell DH that you will gift his DC some of the money when his ex ILs gift your DC some! It is the same request... let him mull it over!

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 03/11/2021 19:03

Your DH is a CF. It isn't his money nor is DSS your DC.

sunshinelover69 · 03/11/2021 19:05

You should spend it how you want and you have no financial responsibility for your stepson. Your husband is taking the piss massively.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 03/11/2021 19:05

The savings question is trickier for me and would be more of a dilemma re equal treatment. Why? DSS has his own family, he doesn't need, shouldn't expect OPs family to gift him anything!

As I suggested before, ask ILs to give OPs child some cash, to top up his savings account to match that of DSS. That would be equitable, treating them equally. See how that goes down.

It is exactly the same scenario! And before anyone shouts me down... start with one set of grandparents, work it out. Then look at the others... same relationship with the DSSs

Maybe83 · 03/11/2021 19:07

I'm a SM and DH is a SF and we have a joint child. The day out absolutely I would do. You should be doing days out with each child as their parent. So you and yours and dh and both of them individually and family days for all of you.

In regards the money. In my case it would be split between the two children in our family who share the grandparent but DH and I would then even it out with the remaining child. We have massive age gaps so we spend accordingly to their needs.

For example the older ones have had college and car lessons and insurance contributions from us and holidays. The younger one gets everything the older ones got when they were little. Our youngest will get the same when she is older.

We try not to have a massive imbalance between them in regards our family unit if we can.

JCFJW · 03/11/2021 19:12

For me it comes down to the fact that DSS has his own relatives completely unrelated to DS who he will inherit from. If DSS’s maternal grandparents parents suddenly decided to give your husband and his ex £10,000 to put away for DSS and you demanded half for your own DS, would DH be okay with it?

Of course he wouldn’t.

So why should it work differently the other way round?

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 03/11/2021 19:12

@Wannakisstheteacher

When it’s the other way around the Step Dads DP’s are always expected to treat and step child exactly the same as any biological grandchildren. Funny how when it’s the Step Mums parents it’s never the case.
Wrong. And even if that was the case , with step dads the children live there full time.

Even so, the expectations are fairly minimal.

If anything, it's stepmums that are put in a ridiculous position. Love the kids as your own, do everything for them, give them everything but at the same time not too much, don't overstep, you're not their mother and definitely don't expect to have any say in their upbringing,parenting,health, schooling etc.
Fuck that.

JCFJW · 03/11/2021 19:13

The day out I’d see isn’t as much of a hill to die on as is the savings account. If you think DH will be bothered take your son out when he’s at work. I’d also make a point of treating DSS when he’s next at yours with a family takeaway or something.

Squeezita · 03/11/2021 19:24

DH doesn’t get to secure his child’s future at your parent’s cost and at the expense of your son.

It’s up to him and the mother to build savings if they want to.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 03/11/2021 19:30

What @Squeezita said. It's so much more elegant than the chapter and verse I waffled Smile

Original poster
LoveyH · 03/11/2021 19:50

Sorry to clarify re the day out / weekend away.. I wanted it to be something we wouldn't usually do so likely a bit more expensive than something we'd usually do. I totally accept this is also for myself, not DS as he is very young still.

We do go out all together, to bowling, the zoo, aquariums whatever.

DH wants to do the more expensive / bigger than usual weekend away / day out I wanted to do with DS alone, all together.

OP posts:
AchyFlower · 03/11/2021 19:55

DH wants to do the more expensive / bigger than usual weekend away / day out I wanted to do with DS alone, all together. would you be open to doing that if he funded his and his kid's share? I get why you wouldn't be but thought that might be an option?

PinkSyCo · 03/11/2021 19:56

Sorry to clarify re the day out / weekend away.. I wanted it to be something we wouldn't usually do so likely a bit more expensive than something we'd usually do.

Like what?

NoSquirrels · 03/11/2021 19:58

DH wants to do the more expensive / bigger than usual weekend away / day out I wanted to do with DS alone, all together.

Do it all together - it’ll be nice.

Then have a lower-key ‘yes day’ with DS (and your parent, if you like) where you go somewhere toddler-friendly and do everything he wants alll day - ice cream for breakfast etc.

BadNomad · 03/11/2021 20:02

I don't think there's anything wrong with you doing something alone with your son. It's a mother and son day. Not a family day out. And no you don't need to put your family's money into a DSS savings account. If your husband is that annoyed then he can go ask his ex's parents to top it up.

Original poster
LoveyH · 03/11/2021 20:06

@AchyFlower

DH wants to do the more expensive / bigger than usual weekend away / day out I wanted to do with DS alone, all together. would you be open to doing that if he funded his and his kid's share? I get why you wouldn't be but thought that might be an option?
Tbh the whole point is I want to do it me and DS (and possibly my parent who gave the money), not all of us.
OP posts:
AchyFlower · 03/11/2021 20:11

Tbh the whole point is I want to do it me and DS (and possibly my parent who gave the money), not all of us. makes sense. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Your DS deserves to feel special to you xx

NoSquirrels · 03/11/2021 20:12

Tbh the whole point is I want to do it me and DS (and possibly my parent who gave the money), not all of us.

You need to find a way to sell this then that doesn’t look/sound exclusionary.

Suggest your DH takes his DS away just the two of them at the same time.

AchyFlower · 03/11/2021 20:15

You need to find a way to sell this then that doesn’t look/sound exclusionary.

No you don't OP. It should just be accepted that you will do things with your own child you may not do with your DSC.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 03/11/2021 20:18

Tbh the whole point is I want to do it me and DS (and possibly my parent who gave the money), not all of us.

Then do it! You don't have to sell it to DH, just tell him you are going - or went yesterday!

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