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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give this money to DC?

153 replies

LoveyH · 03/11/2021 16:48

I have one DC with DH who has a DS from a previous relationship. My DS is 3 nearly 4 and DSS is 9.

One of parents has recently given me a large (for us anyway!) sum of money as part of an early inheritance.

DH has always said he saw this as my money and it would be up to me what I spent it on but we ended up using the majority on a house deposit and some works that needed doing when we moved in so 90% of it has been spent on things for our family.

Me and DH have savings and we all live pretty comfortably.

I would now like to put the remainder of the funds into my son's savings account, my parent who gave the money is very happy for me to do this and I think it will be nice one day to be able to say GP paid for X or Y.

I am also planning to use a small portion to take my son out for the day. DH works some weekends so I like the idea of having a Mum and son day out doing something fun together and not really worrying too much what I spend on lunch, at the gift shop, or whatever iyswim, likely asking my parent to come along too.

DH has mentioned tonight that he thinks it would be fairer to split the money between the two children (DSS has a savings account too which DH and DSS's Mum pays into every month, admittedly with not as much in it as my parents also pay into DS's as well as myself and DH).

He also thinks we should do a family trip too.

I do see his points but at the same time I was looking forward to just having a nice day with DS and am, maybe selfishly, reluctant to agree to change this.

I am also reluctant, again, maybe unreasonably so, to split the remainder of the funds between the two children as DSS doesn't really have much of a relationship with my parent. No one is unkind, they just don't really know each other that well.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveyH · 03/11/2021 17:07

@TimetohittheroadJack

Are you talking a day out in Lapland that you dss would never get to go to die to the cost, or a day at a farm park that he is probably not really bothered about going to?
I'm not sure what exactly I want to do yet, I'm toying with a few things but yes it would likely work out quite a bit more expensive than anything we would usually do. Have been thinking about maybe even going somewhere for the weekend with him when DH is working. Not 100% sure yet.
OP posts:
blubberyboo · 03/11/2021 17:08

And yes also point out that your DSS’s mum or maternal grandparents won’t be paying anything towards your sons account

Clymene · 03/11/2021 17:08

So you've spent 90% of your money on things that you benefit from as a family and you want to spend the rest on your child?

Your husband has a problem. His kid has two parents. You're not one of them.

AchyFlower · 03/11/2021 17:09

Makes sense then. Fancy day out for your son it is. You've already put enough into the family home. If possible maybe a takeaway treat or something. But if all the money has gone by then fair enough. Your son is your only child so should benefit as such as far as possible.

Clymene · 03/11/2021 17:11

Things between stepsiblings are never going to be 100% 'fair'. What if his ex wins a million on the lottery and wants to take her son to Florida for a month?

Is he going to tell her she can't because it's not fair on his other kid? Of course not

drpaddington · 03/11/2021 17:12

If your stepsons Mum inherited money, would she give some of that to your son? I doubt it.

If it was given to both you and your OH then I'd say yes it should be shared between both children- but it wasn't, it's for you and your son.

CharlotteRose90 · 03/11/2021 17:13

Nope sorry, your dss has his own parents and presumably grandparents to inherit from. Have the day out you and your son and put some money away for his savings. If there’s anything left maybe have a day at the cinema for all the family or bowling etc. You aren’t separating families but if your dss got an inheritance you can bet your ds would not see a penny of it.

RockinHorseShit · 03/11/2021 17:14

No!! & I'd guess your DPs whose money it was, would not be happy with your DHs suggestion either. Stick to your guns

LethargicActress · 03/11/2021 17:14

I think I've kind of just stubbornly got it into my head how much I want to put into DS's savings and how much that leaves me for a big day out if that makes sense? So to do it twice I'd have to lessen what I wanted to put away for him.

Yes, you would. Your son might prefer a day out with his whole family than a bigger number in his savings account though, and you say you’re all pretty comfortable so it’s not as if this is the only opportunity you have to save some money for your ds.

LadyCatStark · 03/11/2021 17:14

I’d agree to the family day out as in the general scheme of things it doesn’t really matter but no way to the splitting of funds in their bank account!

AryaStarkWolf · 03/11/2021 17:15

@honeylulu

Well if your stepson's mum pays into your son's savings account too then he might have a point. But let me guess ... she doesn't?
She says in th her OP that both her DH and her DSS's mother pay in to that account
Tee20x · 03/11/2021 17:15

Nope. His son his responsibility.

Your parent gave YOU that money so you can spend how you wish and like you said would be happy for you to put some aside for your son.

Presumably your step-son has their own mother/grandparents who will be saving for them.

Original poster
LoveyH · 03/11/2021 17:15

If it was given to both you and your OH then I'd say yes it should be shared between both children- but it wasn't, it's for you and your son

I guess legally speaking (although I don't know for sure) inheritance does count as family money?

My parent never specifically said the money was for me and DS only. They wouldn't have cared what I did with it (within reason obviously!). But DH did say when they told me they wanted to give it that it was my inheritance to do with what I wanted and he wouldn't be bothered what I wanted to spend it on. I chose to spend it on family things in the main because that seemed the most logical and beneficial thing for us.

OP posts:
Alpinechalet · 03/11/2021 17:16

Have the day out with your son, times like that are rare and to be valued.
You could also consider a additional family day out but with limitations on total cost.
Savings for DS only DSS has 2 parents to inherit from.

Floralnomad · 03/11/2021 17:16

Unless you are just about to say that your stepson lives with you full time and has no mother then no you are absolutely doing the correct thing by spending the money on the biological grandchild . Whilst on the subject it’s probably a good time for you to have a chat with your husband about how you envisage any future inheritances working .

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 03/11/2021 17:19

Put money into your son's savings.
Have your big day out with him.
Have a nice day out theme park/London /whatever as a family. If you have to add to the budget out of the family income then that's that. Even better, give your husband some money towards a family day out and then he can supplement the funds, organise and book this day out for HIS family.

Merryoldgoat · 03/11/2021 17:21

Can’t you do both? If there’s such a substantial amount can’t you have a full family day out and one with just your son?

The problem with blended families, step families etc is that all of the nuts and bolt practicalities are ignored in favour of the new relationship but there are confused children to deal with and they grow up with all the tension that’s none of their fault.

I personally wouldn’t get involved with anyone who has children. If I did then all the children get treated equally by me and that’s it.

You also don’t know what the future holds.

Your DSS’s mother could die. You could die. There are children here who are siblings and a relationship should be nurtured. They may one day be all the other has.

Svalberg · 03/11/2021 17:23

It's not an inheritance unless the donor is dead. It's a gift and is subject to the 7 year rule.

SirensofTitan · 03/11/2021 17:23

Of course dont have yo give any money to your DSS but I don't really understand why a day out is such a big thing.

Don't you do days out normally? That seems a bit of a non issue unless you're planning something that costs thousands of £££, why does it need to be tied in to the money, can't you go for a day out whenever you like?

Derbee · 03/11/2021 17:24

The way you talk sounds like you don’t have much money, so I’d be wary about putting too much away in DS’s account, and leaving yourselves short. A big toy in a toy shop, or ice cream at lunch doesn’t seem a decadent or normally unaffordable expense.

However, your OP says you have savings and live comfortably. So that being said, so what YOU want to do with the money, and ignore DH. Presumably your DSS’s grandparents don’t pay into your DS’s savings account?

AchyFlower · 03/11/2021 17:24

@Svalberg

It's not an inheritance unless the donor is dead. It's a gift and is subject to the 7 year rule.
That's true be careful to keep some spare incase you need to pay IHT on it
SirensofTitan · 03/11/2021 17:25

@Svalberg

It's not an inheritance unless the donor is dead. It's a gift and is subject to the 7 year rule.
Yes, @LoveyH don't make any decisions without proper tax planning Grin
Luzina · 03/11/2021 17:25

I would share it between my children and my stepchild. But that’s because we have always treated them the same, which is how we choose to do it. I 100% think yanbu and should stick to your guns if that’s what you want to do, the money was given to you

billy1966 · 03/11/2021 17:26

So he and his son have benefitted to the tune of 90% and he begrudges you doing what you want with 10%?

Can you not see how ridiculous this is?

Are your step sons grandparents gifting your child anything?

No.

I think you are being very foolish here to be discussing the 10% with him.

I also would be making realistic plans for any further monies from your parents.

ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS · 03/11/2021 17:27

I think a one on one day sounds good. My DH & I do one on one days with all our DDs throughout the year and we limit saying no if we can. They would absolutely love a yes day and we keep promising we will do it when we have some spare money.

Your DH is being very unreasonable. He was initially ok with it being just yours, then it ended up going on the home, which to be fair I would do. But now he wants to reduce the remainder of it by giving some to his child. I would say no. You are sticking to your original plan. You are happy to do a fun family trip but that money comes out of your family money, your early inheritance is yours to do with as you choose and you want to put some aside for your son. You would not expect your DSS mother to give your child money so your not giving your DSS any.

It would be different if it was your and your DHs money, then yes definitely split, but it’s your families money.