AIBU to give this money to DC?

[LoveyH]

I have one DC with DH who has a DS from a previous relationship. My DS is 3 nearly 4 and DSS is 9.

One of parents has recently given me a large (for us anyway!) sum of money as part of an early inheritance.

DH has always said he saw this as my money and it would be up to me what I spent it on but we ended up using the majority on a house deposit and some works that needed doing when we moved in so 90% of it has been spent on things for our family.

Me and DH have savings and we all live pretty comfortably.

I would now like to put the remainder of the funds into my son's savings account, my parent who gave the money is very happy for me to do this and I think it will be nice one day to be able to say GP paid for X or Y.

I am also planning to use a small portion to take my son out for the day. DH works some weekends so I like the idea of having a Mum and son day out doing something fun together and not really worrying too much what I spend on lunch, at the gift shop, or whatever iyswim, likely asking my parent to come along too.

DH has mentioned tonight that he thinks it would be fairer to split the money between the two children (DSS has a savings account too which DH and DSS's Mum pays into every month, admittedly with not as much in it as my parents also pay into DS's as well as myself and DH).

He also thinks we should do a family trip too.

I do see his points but at the same time I was looking forward to just having a nice day with DS and am, maybe selfishly, reluctant to agree to change this.

I am also reluctant, again, maybe unreasonably so, to split the remainder of the funds between the two children as DSS doesn't really have much of a relationship with my parent. No one is unkind, they just don't really know each other that well.

It’s okay for OP to want a day just her and her son. Jeeez. Her son is 3, her SS is 9, it will change the whole dynamic of the day, she wants to spoil her son and give him a day centred around him which she is well within her right to do. It’s your money, do with it what you wish.

If DH pays into DSS's account regularly with his mum - does he pay into an account for your son too?

All you have to say is, "SS has 2 parents contributing to his savings already. His mother doesnt need to split that money between him and our son. So neither do I. He has his maternal grandparents as well. He does not need a third parent to also add to his account.
Our son has me and you to contribute to him. You're asking me to split what I can give to my child between him and SS, are you asking your ex to give to my son? No.
DSS has financial support from 2 parents. Our son has support from 2 parents. I do not need to give my inheritance to SS. He has his own mum."

[quote Merryoldgoat]@Winecrispschocolatecats

A large gift given within 7 years of a person dying can attract IHT.

Therefore if OP’s parent dies within 7 years the gift will be considered as part of the estate for IHT.[/quote]
Yes, I agree. But a comment suggested that the OP should set some of the gift aside in case IHT is payable - that isn't how it works. Although the gift would form part of the calculations, the IHT would be paid from the remaining estate, not deducted from the gift.

But DH did say when they told me they wanted to give it that it was my inheritance to do with what I wanted and he wouldn't be bothered what I wanted to spend it on

That's big of him. Its your inheritance to do what you want with. you have chosen to share a large chunk with the family already, put the rest in your DC's future fund.

If DH gets antsi ask him when DSS's maternal family will be setting up his fund.

Well if your stepson's mum pays into your son's savings account too then he might have a point. But let me guess ... she doesn't?

Yes I wanted to say this.

I doubt the mother of step son pays into op's childs account.

Just tell you partner this op. He can arrange a nice day out with his son.

Have a lovely day out with your child and put YOUR money into his account exactly as you would like to do.

No way! I'd be giving to my own DS. Does your son get money from the DSS grandparents? No way I will be sharing the money. Your H is being cheeky. Say no, do what you want.

I think this is a little more complicated than it needs to be. We have boy/girl twins - we resist the whole 'even' thing. My teen son and my husband share a love for a favourite football team and have travelled all over europe costing unfort ££££. My daughter likes spending time with me and we have twice gone to a local hotel for overnight to spend girlie time together. Its been much cheaper than my son's european visits but I can tell you what she would prefer. Pressumably your husband spends time alone with his son - there is no reason why you can't spend time alone with your son. Doesn't stop you also having a family thing. Your hubby sounds a bit controlling.

I think organising a weekend away with your DS seems a little odd since your DH has already said he thinks you treat the DCs differently.
There's an undercurrent in your posts that you see DS as your DC and DSS as DH's. As though you have one child each and your DH doesn't have as much claim to your DS. It's an odd dynamic.
Ultimately I think this depends on how you see your family and the DCs' relationship and their futures. If this inheritance will leave your DS substantially wealthier than his DSB, how will that impact their relationship. And ultimately do you care if it creates a disparity between them? Because it sounds as though you're actively trying to promote disparity between them and that must be uncomfortable for your DH, and ultimately for the DCs too.

@1987qwerty

Presumably DSS's grandparents don't give gifts to your DS

THIS

I’d have a mum and son day and a family day out.

Say yes that's fine.

Then tell your DH that next time your DSS comes over, you think you'll take him for a haircut as you don't really like the way his hair is at the mo.

Wait for the outraged assertions that 'he's not your son to make these decisions' then say yep, so glad you agree, I'll stick to my original plan on what I do with MY family's inheritance.

I would be livid at this - your DH is way out of line here. Your DSS is not your son - you do not have that kind of responsibility for him and wouldn't his parents rightly set you straight if you claimed to? Yes. So that cuts both ways. Or yes, I agree - ask when your DSS's mum is going to make a contribution into your DS's bank account? I mean - it's hardly fair otherwise, right?

YANBU, I also think your DH has a cheek. You’ve spent 90% of it on something that directly benefits him and his children.
I wouldn’t have even done that if I’m honest.

Time to stand firm OP otherwise the only way is down.

YANBU. Your stepson could inherit money from his dad, his mum, any possible grandparents he has on both sides?

My friend had this dilemma. Her now husband said that his son from previous relationship should benefit from her dads inheritance in the future (he's still alive and no early inheritance). Imo absolutely not. He had his mother and. A large family that side too.

Nothing wrong with wanting a day out just with your son either. A family day out could happen at another point so enjoy the the time just the 2 of you!

no way. his dss will inherit from both parents whereas your son will only inherit what you both own jointly if that makes sense.

You're married so if you want to keep the peace I'd offer the compromise similar to the one a previous poster mentioned - family day with both DS's (doesn't have to be ££), something special with your DS, and then put the rest in ds savings. Would the amount allow for that?

I don't think a portion of your inheritance should go to DSS savings because as pp said, he already has 4 grandparents and two parents - giving him some of your money as well for his savings is unfair on your DS.

I know you want to keep it all, but I think there is somewhere in the middle you can meet. Your H is being silly if he thinks everything you have has to be shared with your DSS though - whenever his ex-ils send your DS some cash, then you can review

@HaroldSteptoesHorse

You’re in a relationship with children who are a part of your family now. Why wouldn’t you treat them both the same?

Because she's not responsible for financially supporting her dss - his parents are.

@LoveyH not a chance I'd split the money between Ds and dss. Your dss will benefit from his parents/grandparents in time. I bet his grandparents won't be funding your son so why on earth should your parents money be used to fund him? Your Dh is being an asshole. Tell him to do one.

DH has always said he saw this as my money and it would be up to me what I spent it on but we ended up using the majority on a house deposit and some works that needed doing when we moved in so 90% of it has been spent on things for our family.

So despite his statement that he sees the money as yours - if you die or divorce he will personally benefit to 45%. Now he wants more for HIS family. He really doesnt see this money as yours. Your DSS should know nothing about this at all. So a trip out for his half-brother and his mum would be normal - gives him more time with his dad.

When I divorced my ex-H his attitude on this really came out I would preserve the remaining 10% as best you can.

Honestly you should always be able to take your child for a day out 1 on 1, regardless of money. It's important to give individual attention to your child. I don't think you should need to even consider not doing that. I wouldn't have asked, I would have said, I'm taking son out on X day for a mum/son day. The cost isn't an issue as it's not like these are your last pennies! You can all do stuff together any other time!

And yes the money should go to DS as it is from his DGP and presumably DSS has his mum and own DGP to potentially inherit from in future.

The difference in their savings doesn't matter as really you have no idea how the financial status of anyone any of the children may inherit from may change over a (hopefully very long) lifetime! No point comparing as their situations are different.

When it’s the other way around the Step Dads DP’s are always expected to treat and step child exactly the same as any biological grandchildren. Funny how when it’s the Step Mums parents it’s never the case.

I’ve got 4 kids, no step kids, and I’ve always enjoyed solo days out with each of them. Why shouldn’t you with yours?

Have a brilliant day out or weekend away with your son, put the rest in his savings.

You’ve spent the vast majority of the gift on things to benefit the whole family, it’s completely normal and okay to invest in your one child’s future.

@Wannakisstheteacher

When it’s the other way around the Step Dads DP’s are always expected to treat and step child exactly the same as any biological grandchildren. Funny how when it’s the Step Mums parents it’s never the case.

That is in circumstances where the step dad has been in the kid's life since they were tiny and they have zero contact with the bio dad.

As the boy's mother and her parents are very much involved in her child's life, the parallels are rather weak.

But I expect you know that

@Wannakisstheteacher

When it’s the other way around the Step Dads DP’s are always expected to treat and step child exactly the same as any biological grandchildren. Funny how when it’s the Step Mums parents it’s never the case.

I wouldn't expect it of any step parent or their parents.

Surely if your DH is working and your DSS is at his mums you could just do your outing without anyone being none the wiser? I would just crack on in those circs. The savings question is trickier for me and would be more of a dilemma re equal treatment.