Is it unusual to expect kids to share bedrooms these days?

[Helloise]

Just read another thread where the poster said she needed a bedroom for each of her 4 children- which is fine if you can afford a house that big but I was a little surprised by the word "need" instead of "want".

My kids are grown up now but my girls shared a bedroom their whole lives- even though we could have technically afforded a bigger house, we wanted to live in a vibrant, active city so we lived in an apartment where they had to share (they had the big room, their older brother had the tiny room) rather than moving to a bigger place in the suburbs. Talking to my friends now who still have kids at home it just seems expected that every child will have a bedroom, even if that means two glorified box rooms instead of one regular double bedroom. One of my colleagues is pregnant again and is selling her fully-restored three-bedroom 1930's semi to move into a four-bed new build (with all the problems inherent in some new build estates including tiny rooms , no trees, and no decent public transport) She's not delighted about it but thinks she has no choice because she can't make her two boys (ages 9 and 11) share!

I shared with my sister growing up as well, not because our house wasn't big enough but because my mother had a sewing room and a perfectly pristine "guest room" and that's just the way things were.

Yes, I know that many people share because they can't afford not to (my partner grew up as a first-gen immigrant in NYC and shared a one-bedroom apartment with her parents and three sisters until she was a teenager and they are all happy, healthy, and successful)- that's not what I am talking about here. I just feel like those who can afford or those who can afford it at a stretch it will prioritise a bedroom for every child over other things- like room size and location -more than they would have in the past, and am wondering if other people have noticed the same thing?

@JudgeJ

I do some online transcribing of old ParishRegisters for a genealogy site and I'm often astounded at how many people used to live in tiny, 2-up, 2-down houses! 8+ children wasn't unusual, thank goodness we've moved on from thar for many reasons. Apparently beds used to be shared, one sibling worked a particular shift, another would get up to go to their work and the first one would take over the warm bed!

Yes! One of my daughter's lives in an adorable but tiny 1 up/ 1 down back-to-back in Leeds and did some historical research on it (she's an archivist) and found at one time there was a family of eight living there! The whole street shared a toilet block (now a bin yard) and they didn't even have the loft conversion (which is her bedroom, she uses the original bedroom as an office) and cellar utility room/storage/Peloton bike space, which are the only things that makes it cosy and liveable for her as opposed to oppressively cramped as a single person.

It's not unusual for younger kids (primary school) to share ime. My kids have shared with each other on and off and enjoyed it.
However they've always had their own space from secondary school. They are lucky to have this especially during the pandemic

I can't believe I put an apostrophe in daughters, please ignore along with my other inevitable typos, thank you.

Where's there 4+ kids most share, for 3 or less it's definitely unusual to share but plenty of kids do, there's kids sleeping on sofas too over crowding is a huge problem. Those in social housing don't get an extra bedroom (if there's housing available) until dc are 10 if boy girl or 16 if same sex

My grandmother shared a double (or maybe small double) bed with her 2 sisters until they left home. They were very close and always there for eachother.
In a few generations it has gone from how many a bed to how many a room. 1 per room seems the standard these days.
I have 3 in 1 single room, triple bunk bed, you couldn't get 2 singles in there with a shared wardrobe too. They're very close and never complained. In some parts of the world, sleeping alone is a cruel punishment.

Another 80s kid who had lots of friends growing up who either shared with siblings themselves or had siblings who shared. A close friend of mine moved back into a shared bedroom with her 3 years younger sister for a short while when she finished university at 21. Doesn't seem to have done them any harm. Bedrooms are for sleeping in so as long everyone has space for their things, space to do homework etc. what's the problem ?

My Dad shared a bed with his younger brother as kids, he didn't have his own bed until he was about 14 when his oldest brother got married and moved out. Thinking about it my Dad has never had his own bedroom.

Blimey. My DS share, one 18, one 14. In fact they have bunk beds! As for affecting exam results eldest got 10 9s at GCSE and has just got into Oxford. They each have a desk to work from but that's all, everything else is shared space.
Just in case I'm not abusive enough to my kids my DD has the box room.
I always thought being a good parent was more about your relationship with your kids than square footage in the house.

When my older 2 lived at home they had their own rooms from the ages of 4 and 5, this was because DS1 had just been diagnosed and is at a higher risk of catching a chest infection if he shares a room.

I wonder if the trend is also related to children playing out less.

Perhaps this is true.

I also think that the current trend for open plan living spaces means people feel they need one bedroom per child as there is no privacy otherwise. I am not a fan of knocking through to make a huge open plan living room, I prefer the more traditional set up. If you have various living spaces and someone can be cooking / listening to the radio in the kitchen, someone watching TV and lying on the sofa in the sitting room and someone doing homework on the table in the dining room you maybe don’t need children to sit in their own rooms doing homework or relaxing on their own because they can have whatever space they want elsewhere.

The trend definitely seems to be for as many bedrooms as possible but against all other kinds of room!

Three of my children share a room (ages 10, 8 and 6) and my youngest (3) shares with me.

I know quite a few other people whose children share. It’s not ideal but I can only work with the space I’ve got and make it as nice as possible for my children. Their bedroom is decorated lovely and it’s very spacious, so it’s still somewhere nice to retreat. My eldest is allowed to chill in my room to do his homework or just to have his own space.
My 3 year old is either downstairs with me or asleep in bed when he goes in there.

My cousin has a 5 bed, rambling farmhouse, both her daughters have their own rooms, but refuse to sleep apart, so share a bed every night. Aged 12 and 13.

@TheGirlCat

Oh, watch tv and movies on your tv, too. Imagine squabbling with your sibling over watch you watch, playing music loud, etc. No thanks, shudder.

Well I am sure you will think it terrible but not every child has a tv in their room.

This is something I am wondering about at the moment. We are a family with 3 children - DSD 9 (with us 3 nights per week), DD2 and DD0.

We are in a 3 bed. At present the plan is for all 3 to share the biggest double (it is a large room, more like a big living room size). This is what DSD wants. There is then the option to move one child to the much smaller third bedroom, if any child wants this. Which would mean two sharing - either dsd in small room and two little ones in the big room, or dsd and one younger one for the 3 nights she's here. She has her own room at mum's so she might feel she gets enough alone time and wants to keep the big bedroom albeit with her sister!

The house is big enough that we could make sure each child has a space of her own if needed. Hard to know how it will all work out as have no idea what their preferences will be when they are bigger.

Ps before we had dd2 the rooms were arranged differently so DSD has been given the largest room on the understanding it is to be a shared room.

When I was a child we lived in a 2 up 2 down. I'm the 2nd oldest of 6 girls and all 6 of us slept together in the same bed in the larger bedroom. Mum and dad had a small double in the other room. We were taken into care when I was 8 and having my own bed (in a room with 4 others) was quite a novelty but still too many people.

As an adult I never share with anyone. I have my own room and my own bed. When I had DS1 we moved from our little country cottage to a 4 bed new build. A room each and one spare. As it happened I had DS2 so we all have our own rooms.

I never share a room, if I go away with friends they love sharing and I book my own space. Never having space as a child had a real effect on me and I'm extremely grateful that I've been able to have my own space since I was 17.

At best there's unnecessary friction and poorer exam results (even if they do well at their exams, they'd have done better with their own room and facilities). At worst it's an open invitation for abuse.

😂 that statement is hilarious. Me and my sister shared a bedroom. Both very academic and we really enjoyed revising together in our room during exams. We definitely encouraged each other. The abuse comment is plain odd. Why would sharing a room lead to abuse?!

It's perfectly normal everywhere but on Mumsnet. Here it seems to be pretty close to child abuse.

We had a three bedroom house growing up, and four kids, so my parents slept in the (long) living room, my brother and eldest sister each had v small rooms, and me and my other big sister shared what would have been the master bedroom.

I had a totally shit childhood, but among my most precious childhood memories are those involved in sharing a room with her.

Children are pack animals. There are plenty of places in the world where making a child sleep in a room alone is a punishment, not a privilege.

I grew up in a 3 bed, i had 2 sisters and a brother. My sisters and i had the biggest room and it was fine but them we didn't have as many clothes as children do these days or as much "stuff". We also didn't have a tv in the room so there were no arguments about what to watch. We learnt to be tolerant and share !

My two boys share and will until they are teens.

@DockOTheBay

At worst it's an open invitation for abuse

Come on 🙄
Surely having kids in separate rooms is also "invitation for abuse" from an abusive parent who wouldn't do anything if there was another child there to witness.

I agree with this perspective. It's probably safer having another child there in the room for company.

@thewhatsit

I wonder if the trend is also related to children playing out less.

Perhaps this is true.

I also think that the current trend for open plan living spaces means people feel they need one bedroom per child as there is no privacy otherwise. I am not a fan of knocking through to make a huge open plan living room, I prefer the more traditional set up. If you have various living spaces and someone can be cooking / listening to the radio in the kitchen, someone watching TV and lying on the sofa in the sitting room and someone doing homework on the table in the dining room you maybe don’t need children to sit in their own rooms doing homework or relaxing on their own because they can have whatever space they want elsewhere.

The trend definitely seems to be for as many bedrooms as possible but against all other kinds of room!

Same here. I have separate rooms for family members to go into for peace. No open plan living in my home so you can go away from others if need be.

I hate open plan!

As an only child, I was adamant all my children have their own room (I have 3 boys). I’m privileged that even if we have 4 children they don’t need to share, but the rooms aren’t massive.
My husband is one of four & thinks it’s weird how against sharing I am, but I just think children need their own room (if possible). I wanted my own space, I can’t imagine sharing as a teenager!
I think personal upbringing skews the way you view children sharing.

I grew up in a house with 7 bedrooms, my 2 sisters shared until the older one went to boarding school, I always had my own room. The nanny had one and the other 3 were spare rooms for guests (that never visited).

DH grew up with 6 siblings in a 3 bed house. He shared with his brother, 4 Sisters shared and youngest sister shared with PIL. He had his own room later because they converted the cellar to 2 bedrooms and his oldest DSIS had one and his DB had the other with his girlfriend and baby !

2 of his sisters still live at home and share and they are 25 and 28!

His family are really close and very tidy, probably because they all shared.

I am pro room sharing - it teaches compromise and patience and avoids teaching entitlement. I shared a room in a small inner-city council flat with my sisters until adulthood. We didn't have a tv, games console or phones, but we did have a tape player and would make our own 'radio' shows. Sharing wasn't (isn't!) a hardship.

However you grew up will feel normal to you. I don't see much good in the idea of children having their own rooms and (to me) excessive material possessions. The most important thing is that kids are safe, well cared for, and raised to be kind and considerate human beings.