Is it unusual to expect kids to share bedrooms these days?

[Helloise]

Just read another thread where the poster said she needed a bedroom for each of her 4 children- which is fine if you can afford a house that big but I was a little surprised by the word "need" instead of "want".

My kids are grown up now but my girls shared a bedroom their whole lives- even though we could have technically afforded a bigger house, we wanted to live in a vibrant, active city so we lived in an apartment where they had to share (they had the big room, their older brother had the tiny room) rather than moving to a bigger place in the suburbs. Talking to my friends now who still have kids at home it just seems expected that every child will have a bedroom, even if that means two glorified box rooms instead of one regular double bedroom. One of my colleagues is pregnant again and is selling her fully-restored three-bedroom 1930's semi to move into a four-bed new build (with all the problems inherent in some new build estates including tiny rooms , no trees, and no decent public transport) She's not delighted about it but thinks she has no choice because she can't make her two boys (ages 9 and 11) share!

I shared with my sister growing up as well, not because our house wasn't big enough but because my mother had a sewing room and a perfectly pristine "guest room" and that's just the way things were.

Yes, I know that many people share because they can't afford not to (my partner grew up as a first-gen immigrant in NYC and shared a one-bedroom apartment with her parents and three sisters until she was a teenager and they are all happy, healthy, and successful)- that's not what I am talking about here. I just feel like those who can afford or those who can afford it at a stretch it will prioritise a bedroom for every child over other things- like room size and location -more than they would have in the past, and am wondering if other people have noticed the same thing?

I reckon it's a combo of:

1. smaller families
2. smaller bedrooms (maybe the same floor space but now two small rooms instead of one bigger one)
3. earlier onset of puberty

My two share (2 and 4) and they prefer it, if we stay in a holiday place with more rooms my older one always thinks she wants her own room but then says she's scared without her little brother to protect her! I think they both sleep better knowing the other one is there.

I have happy memories of sharing a room with my sister from age 9 - 13ish, then we were in adjoining rooms and used to often share a single bed just because it was cosy and fun. I'm basically planning to keep my two sharing until they enter pubescent terrority, as I have a boy and girl it seems better to split them up then for privacy.

@TheGirlCat

are you actually introverted or you just have to say that because in RL people avoid you for being such a judgemental "know-it-all"?

Do you and your partner have separate bedrooms then? the thought of sharing a room with anyone fills you with such dread so you must have separate beds at least.

Its probably not ideal ,but family homes are expensive and young children say under 10 would be fine for a while .Obv not good as Teenagers though! Same sex DC maybe a bit older .I do think though that tweens and teenagers need their own space

@TheGirlCat
People like you are the reason why there are prejudices against only children. Your post shows why some only children would be so much better off having siblings.

I shared a room with my brother until I was 17 (!) and absolutely hated it. Never had a good relationship with him though and think it might be doable if children are of the same sex and a similar age. I'm glad my DD and DS have a room each although we're still mostly all downstairs together in the open plan kitchen / living room.

@TheGirlCat

I'm an only child and the thought of having to share a room, my sensitive, shy, introverted self would have filled me with dread, terror and distress. I always say it is selfish to have 3+ children if they don't have their own rooms, even as a kid. Only have as many children as you have bedrooms for. I do think it's selfish and wrong to expect child to share, imo it is VITAL every child has their own personal safe space, just for them. Which is why I only had 2 children. I just think it's wrong and unfair of the parents and I would never ever inflict that on a child. If as a parent you can't provide their own room for them, them you've failed imo and you make sure you don't have more than you can. Quite simple.

This is insane. Maybe you would have been less shy, introverted and sensitive with a sibling to bash to corners off you? Siblings tend to have their own boxes, chest of drawers etc which is their own space.

The idea you have failed your kids if you expect them to share is nuts, they only sleep in there FFS!

@TheGirlCat

I'm an only child and the thought of having to share a room, my sensitive, shy, introverted self would have filled me with dread, terror and distress. I always say it is selfish to have 3+ children if they don't have their own rooms, even as a kid. Only have as many children as you have bedrooms for. I do think it's selfish and wrong to expect child to share, imo it is VITAL every child has their own personal safe space, just for them. Which is why I only had 2 children. I just think it's wrong and unfair of the parents and I would never ever inflict that on a child. If as a parent you can't provide their own room for them, them you've failed imo and you make sure you don't have more than you can. Quite simple.

Yikes. I'm an utter failure then. I have three children and two of them share a room.

This week on MN I have learned that I can't afford my children because I don't earn over a certain amount, I am selfish for having them and essentially destroying the environment and now I have failed because they don't all have their own room.

It's really quite the supportive space on here isn't it?

Irish catholic family here and we all shared right up until we left home for Uni. And when flat sharing, I always found that those who had shared as siblings were just generally more considerate, less selfish as flatmates.

My sister and I didn't get on at all, but sharing forced us to be considerate and respectful to each other even if we were warring (which we did a fair bit)

My DH lived in a three bedroom house with his 5 siblings, parents and granny. At one point when he was little he shared a bed with his granny and has fond memories of snuggling in with her.

Nearly everyone in both families have degrees, some have masters /PhDs, and all have successful careers so it didn't affect social or academic performance. Both families are very close knit and while all of us are different to our siblings in many ways, we all get along and when we don't we are able to resolve issues and I think a large part of that comes down to close confines.

However. Both families were country-based so the great outdoors were our playrooms and it was great. I'd say it would be more difficult for children to share if they don't have ample play space though - that's the main consideration I think. So it's not really about actual beds per se, it's about ensuring that each child has space to carve out as their own private space - even if that's a treehouse /playhouse or a den in the garden for example.

Many of us grew up sharing, but it seems part of the higher 'expectations' that people want nowadays that each child has its own room. People used to be more content with living within their means, buying more space as it could be afforded.

I grew up in a house with 6 usable bedrooms (all with ensuite). This wasn't in UK but in Asia; my dad bought the house during the Asian Financial Crisis and tore it down for a home that was suitable for all 3 generations of my family- grandparents, parents and 2 little girls. My grandparents had separate rooms as they did not get on. We had a guest room and a playroom. My parents had the big master bedroom with adjoining study and walk in wardrobe. There was also the cinema room which I guess could also be used as a bedroom. But my sister and I always shared a room until I was 19 and went to London for university. When I returned home after university for a few months before moving back to Europe, i still shared with her. I think if I didn't get married at 22, I would have shared with her until I left home.

I didn't think anything of it tbh and was quite scared when I first came to the UK as it was the first time I slept in a room by myself. My mother grew up sharing a bed with 6 siblings so she didn't think that it was a big deal and my dad also shared with his brother. My grandma shared a room with her mother and 5 sisters. I have a (male) cousin who shared with his 2 sisters even though his parents had a 4 bedroom house (1 bedroom was used as the cinema room and another bedroom was used as the study). I think it was because our parents lived in such poverty that when they did have the money to acquire larger houses, they didn't see why children needed extra rooms. I guess the difference is that our houses were quite large so even though we didn't have our own rooms, we still had a playroom and I used to study in the family hall on the first floor while my little sister slept. I can see why it would be harder in many british homes which are smaller don't seem designed for multi-generation living. even the government flats in my home country are designed for multi-generational living (they are usually at least 1000-1300 square feet) and I do know many families who live really happily in them, sharing rooms.

Having said that, I will have one child so sharing isn't really an issue but if i did have another child, I wouldn't mind getting them to share as I shared (and every generation before me). My DH shared until age 11.

My DDs shared until they were 10 and we extended the house creating another bedroom ... they spent about a week apart and then moved back in together.

Still kip in together now when one returns from uni.

Mine shared when they were little but by the age of 4/5 they fought like cat and dog so they’ve had their own rooms since.

@TheGirlCat Yours is honestly one of the most ridiculous posts I have ever read. Of course everyone is entitled to their opinion but bloody hell.

I have two girls only 16 months apart currently age 5 and 6. They initially had their own rooms (as babies/toddlers) but since the youngest was 3 we put them together. They have the same bedtime, same routine and appear to prefer the company and not going to sleep alone. When either of them start consistently moaning about sharing we will move them apart. I think a lot of it is circumstantial - age, age gap, gender and how well they get on are all factors as PP have already said. Certainly the case for us.

Wanted to add- my male cousin shared with his sisters well into his 20s even though parents had a 4 bed house! It really doesn't seem to have done him any harm. Or his sisters. He has his own room now as they have married.

Oh goodness @TheGirlCat you would hate me! My two young DDs share, they even share a wardrobe! They love it and hate being separated if on holiday/staying with family. We have a 4 bed house and they choose to share.
Obviously we have space for them to have their own rooms when older which no doubt they will want, however I won't be rushing them to do that and they will be expected to bunk in together when family come to stay/Christmas etc.
Acting like people are 'bad parents' for children sharing rooms is bizarre. You can be fantastic, loving, respectful, caring parent that happens to like in a 3 bed house with 3 children. Talk about a lack of resilience of sharing a room causes such turmoil!

@TheGirlCat I grew up in a 6 bedroom 5000 square feet house and I still shared a room with my sister until 19 when I went off to university in London. If I didn't marry, I would be back home sharing a room with my sister at 29 and I don't see anything wrong with that.

Oh and yes to add, we have a play room and a mezzanine area as additional space for them to play in. Definitely a factor

When they are little it is A ok to share
But 11 and 9? Nah. You want privacy at 11. You are on the verge of a new chapter in your life. So if they can afford it.. yeah id move too. For the sake of my kids .obvs if you don't have the funds you just have to make do with what you have...

Having a bedroom for each child is really nice thing to be able to do but definitely not essential. It is a very modern idea even very wealthy families in huge mansions used to put children in the same room even with many empty rooms.

And the vast majority of children were never abused.

@EnidFrighten they only sleep in there FFS!

Seriously??? Your room is your main part of living. You sleep, study, play, rest, have dreams, grow up in, have friends over, talk about crushes, hopes for the future, have sleepovers, etc. It is is so much more than where you sleep. It is actually where you grow up. Your bedroom is such a massive part of your life where you conduct most of it (when not at school). It's really your living quarters, not merely a bed.

I'm beginning to wonder if people on here are reacting to me out of a sense of guilt. Regardless I hold firm, I always felt so so very sorry for my friends that had to share a room with a sibling. Probably why most preferred to spend more time at my house in my room with me.

@TheGirlCat I want an only child but honestly the issue of limiting your family size because of bedrooms is completely alien to me! Limiting your family size because of finances, time, energy, health- 100%! Or simply because you don't want to or you just don't see the sibling relationship as essential (my sister and I live 8 timezones apart and don't really correspond even if we shared a bedroom for 19 years). I hope my only child would be fine with sharing a bedroom; maybe I should borrow a random child and make my child share his/her room on a regular basis!

DH (late 40's) always shared a room with his brother who was five years older. His sisters had their own (smaller) rooms.

DH didn't have a problem with it, but his poor brother wasn't so thrilled about it - DH is messy and his brother is very tidy...at one point, he put a strip of tape down the middle of the room to ensure DH kept his mess on "his" side.

I forgot to say play music/dance to music in my list of things you do in your room. Anyway, I'm out.

I live in London where obviously a 2-3million 4+ bed is outside of most people’s income. The ones I know that have stayed - rather than moving out to the suburbs - often have children sharing, as do we. We also use a spare room as an office, so I guess one day this could be swapped over if necessary.

DC are at a private school so my sample size is actually all people with plenty of disposable income, not sharing rooms at primary school is incredibly normal.