Is it unusual to expect kids to share bedrooms these days?

[Helloise]

Just read another thread where the poster said she needed a bedroom for each of her 4 children- which is fine if you can afford a house that big but I was a little surprised by the word "need" instead of "want".

My kids are grown up now but my girls shared a bedroom their whole lives- even though we could have technically afforded a bigger house, we wanted to live in a vibrant, active city so we lived in an apartment where they had to share (they had the big room, their older brother had the tiny room) rather than moving to a bigger place in the suburbs. Talking to my friends now who still have kids at home it just seems expected that every child will have a bedroom, even if that means two glorified box rooms instead of one regular double bedroom. One of my colleagues is pregnant again and is selling her fully-restored three-bedroom 1930's semi to move into a four-bed new build (with all the problems inherent in some new build estates including tiny rooms , no trees, and no decent public transport) She's not delighted about it but thinks she has no choice because she can't make her two boys (ages 9 and 11) share!

I shared with my sister growing up as well, not because our house wasn't big enough but because my mother had a sewing room and a perfectly pristine "guest room" and that's just the way things were.

Yes, I know that many people share because they can't afford not to (my partner grew up as a first-gen immigrant in NYC and shared a one-bedroom apartment with her parents and three sisters until she was a teenager and they are all happy, healthy, and successful)- that's not what I am talking about here. I just feel like those who can afford or those who can afford it at a stretch it will prioritise a bedroom for every child over other things- like room size and location -more than they would have in the past, and am wondering if other people have noticed the same thing?

Well I have to share my room with a boy (dh!). Can I complain about my lack of personal space?! Actually in all seriousness we are currently putting an extra room to house. Yes they can share, it's a luxury to have their own room but it will be nice for them to have a personal space. Most ppl I know growing up 80s had own room but I didn't know anyone with more than 2 kids

It's like lots of things though. Expectations change. What people find acceptable changes.

I'm obviously talking below about those who have choice;
When we bought a house (15years ago), friends were quite astonished we preferred to keep my grans old lady 3 piece suite rather than get a new sofa on credit.
Lots will prefer to rent a nice house, than buy a crappy house that needs work because they don't want to live somewhere whist work is ongoing.
People are less likely to slum it these days and will make choices which means they don't have to, possibly at the expense of other things (differing values).

@Cameleongirl

DH (late 40's) always shared a room with his brother who was five years older. His sisters had their own (smaller) rooms.

DH didn't have a problem with it, but his poor brother wasn't so thrilled about it - DH is messy and his brother is very tidy...at one point, he put a strip of tape down the middle of the room to ensure DH kept his mess on "his" side.

I actually pinned a sheet down the middle of the bedroom I shared with my sister so I could have a physical barrier we didn’t get on well as teens, happily we are the best of friends now. Probably because we don’t live together lol.

I shared with 2 sisters, 1 five years older and 1 five years younger, we drove each other crackers but it wasn't that bad really, we would've driven each other crackers even if we just lived in the same house. I have 2 DC that don't share, I would love a third DC but because it's so frowned up on to have DC sharing I probably won't because I can't afford a 4 bedroom 🤷🏻‍♀️

@cormorantes

Whenever people say that every child MUST have their own room, I wonder what they think of the rest of the world, Japanese families sleeping together on Mats- wrong!, Philippines families in multi generation crowded homes- wrong! Families in tribes sleeping outside in deserts - wrong! It just makes no sense, the view that only the richest 1% of the world population are bringing up their children properly.

Absoutely this! Many many people don't have the space for everyone to have their own room. And also posters saying they've made 'sacrifices' so their kids can have their own rooms, as if other people don't also make sacrifices! Sharing a room - sharing in general - can make for more generous, compassionate, prosocial adults.

I shared a room growing up with my baby dbro and middle dsis until i was 8, then my dbro until I was 10, then my older dsis, then my middle dsis, and then finally had a room to myself when I was 16 or so. I've great memories of my dsis studying away in the corner of the room, of listening to music together, of jokes and chats at night-time and so on.

@HarrietsChariot so why do you feel twins need less alone time than single babies? You clearly know nothing about twins! They spend their lives grouped together by people like you who appear to assume they are a collective rather than individuals. They need space as much as any other child!

When we lived in central London everyone we knew with more than one child had them sharing. Some decided the benefits of having the city on your doorstep outweighed the need for space and stayed (some bought second homes near the coast), others, like us, moved further out for more space. I would agree that sharing can work well if there are other play/study spaces, whether communal ones like parks, libraries or cafes, or within the home. But if there aren't, well people have made do and managed for centuries. Most kids I know at posh boarding schools share in small groups these days rather than big dorms. As others have said it can help build strong bonds, respect for others etc.

I can't get too worked up about kids Shari g a room or not; the thing that gets me though is the kids with their own en suite!

I have a friend who has a 16 year old daughter and a 12 year old son sharing a room in a 2 bedroom house. I know they can’t move but I think it is a little wrong.
In that situation I would like to think I would set up the living room as our bedroom and give the kids a room each.

After the elder child is 9, opposite sex children should not share bedrooms. Nine is the cusp of puberty, and too old to undress in front of the other sibling. Growing libidos in one room can lead to sibling abuse. Large age gaps of 7 years or more lend themselves to emotional abuse; it’s less common with . My sister is ten years older than I, and fifteen months older than my brother. She was mean and manipulative to us as long as we can remember.

I remember as a only child being so envious of friends sharing with siblings. Actually, from what I saw it was a blessing. They must have been lucky but the ones I knew got on well and it was like a permanent sleepover for them staying up chatting in bed! I have two under two and even if we move to a larger home, I hope they can share! I really want them to have what I didn’t assuming they get on well of course.

@AryaStarkWolf

I think it's odd how this has become a thing in recent years.

Yup, me too.

It was fairly common when I was growing up.

What gets me these days is not so much that people don't want to share. It's that they think it's some horrible thing to do to kids.

It always makes me think of the fact that despite worries about over-population in some places, it's westerners who use the most resources, and the fewer kids we have the more we expect for them.

Maybe it depends where you live. We live in a nice but expensive town and I know lots of people who’s children share. A 4 bed house plus a garden where we live is usually around £800k and we aren’t in London with London wages.

I think it's really dependent on all sorts of things:

Whether they're boys or girls.
What kind of age gaps you're referring to.
Whether anyone involved has any kind of SEN or disability.
How big the room is and how much privacy can be given.
Whether the DC get along well or not.

etc etc.

I think if you have opposite-sex children over the age of nine, they really should have their own space. Many children start puberty young and I don't think it's fair to expect them to dress, sleep etc. in a room with a sibling of the opposite sex.

Big age gaps are another issue - growing up I had a friend who was 16 who had to share with her much, much younger sister. There was no real space or privacy for either of them and both struggled for different reasons. The only other room in the house was for their brother and there was no space elsewhere to split them up.

I wonder if the trend is also related to children playing out less.

My parents played out - my older sibling got freedom to roam but me and younger sibling didn't really.

We shared and as a result I think we probably spent more time in the main open plan living areas - I had my head in a book or headphones on to get space. We didn't do badly for space and our current house is spacious but many houses we looked at had tiny living areas.

There are fewer children/teen outside house friendly spaces and smaller living areas in many houses - perhaps it all adds to the perception children need their own rooms as other alternative spaces have diminished.

@Ericaequites

After the elder child is 9, opposite sex children should not share bedrooms. Nine is the cusp of puberty, and too old to undress in front of the other sibling. Growing libidos in one room can lead to sibling abuse. Large age gaps of 7 years or more lend themselves to emotional abuse; it’s less common with . My sister is ten years older than I, and fifteen months older than my brother. She was mean and manipulative to us as long as we can remember.

@Ericaequites

please always remember to say "some" or "in some cultures".

nakedness in front of each other is not an issue in many countries/cultures/families.
see also: nudists

so don't judge by saying "should".

That's a good point about playing out. Also, my kids tell me most of their friends have tvs, and sometimes game systems, in their rooms. Many don't eat as a family once they are teens and eat in their rooms. It all seems very isolated.

It all seems very isolated.

I do think that's an issue - especially if you add in long work hours and commutes for parents.

It's not always possible to eat together and while game system and our one TV are downstairs they have phones and kindles in their rooms in day time. I think it's very easy to slip into ships passing in the night territory.

[quote TheGirlCat]**@EnidFrighten* they only sleep in there FFS!*

Seriously??? Your room is your main part of living. You sleep, study, play, rest, have dreams, grow up in, have friends over, talk about crushes, hopes for the future, have sleepovers, etc. It is is so much more than where you sleep. It is actually where you grow up. Your bedroom is such a massive part of your life where you conduct most of it (when not at school). It's really your living quarters, not merely a bed.

I'm beginning to wonder if people on here are reacting to me out of a sense of guilt. Regardless I hold firm, I always felt so so very sorry for my friends that had to share a room with a sibling. Probably why most preferred to spend more time at my house in my room with me.[/quote]
My kids sleep in there, spend max half hour during the average day in there getting dressed and undressed. We play downstairs mostly. Aren't sleeping, resting and dreaming are kind of the same thing?

As for sleepovers and having friends over - that's a more exciting version of what sharing a room with a sibling is like every night. I don't see why you think it's so terrible.

Agree that it is pretty common when they are younger, but not from about puberty/secondary onwards when privacy becomes more important.

Mine (boy/girl) shared from when they were 2/3 to some time in junior school.

We moved so that our DDs (2 and 4) would have a decent bedroom each (as DD2 was in a room that could barely house a narrow single bed) and within a few months they decided they wanted to share! And did for several years.

A lot depends on the nature of and relationship between the kids. I'd have hated sharing. My two enjoyed it. Even when they had their own rooms at home, they loved sharing on holidays.

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba -
I’m taking about mainstream American standards. In the States, nudists are quite uncommon. I understand other cultures have other attitudes, but I’m not personally comfortable with them. Many of my neighbors and peers locally would agree.

My dds share. I feel guilty about dd1 who is 12 and want to move next year but dd2 who is 8 hates being alone.

@HarrietsChariot

I think it's wrong to make children share a room. OK there may be cases where they actually want to, but it should always be a choice. Children need privacy and alone time, they can't get that if they have to share. At best there's unnecessary friction and poorer exam results (even if they do well at their exams, they'd have done better with their own room and facilities). At worst it's an open invitation for abuse.

That's the real reason why sharing is wrong: except in the case of twins, there is usually an age gap of at least a couple of years. The elder child will be stronger and able to physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abuse the younger child as much as they want. Sibling-on-sibling abuse is grossly underestimated, it is overwhelminingly more likely to happen than a stranger abusing a child. OK you can't protect them all the time, but at least if they have their own room they have the chance to have a "safe" space to sleep in.

Evidence?

i live on a council estate where the houses only have two or three bedrooms, unless they are they bought and extended. growing up everyone i knew shared a bedroom. i don’t even know anyone who was an only child! i shared with my sister whilst my brother got the box room. it didn’t do us any harm, and i only have the best memories of growing up sharing a room. me and my sister even shared a bed until we were in our mid teens. now i’m in an extended five bed and whilst both my boys (7&14) have their own rooms, my two girls (1&3) share. with them being so close in age they’ll probably share until one of them asks for their own room, which could be never if they’re as close as me and my sister. my sister on the other hand lives in a two bed council house with a boy and a girl (3&7). she shares with her daughter and her son has his own room, but at some point the kids will have to share. she won’t be entitled to a bigger house until her son is around eleven i think.

My kids sleep in there, spend max half hour during the average day in there getting dressed and undressed. We play downstairs mostly. Aren't sleeping, resting and dreaming are kind of the same thing?

Mine used to be like that - even when we first moved here and they got their own rooms they'd be downstairs most of the time.

They are all at secondary they usually head straight up to their rooms -after a short talk if we're at home- when they get home - come down for meals and many evening not really come down again.