Is it unusual to expect kids to share bedrooms these days?

[Helloise]

Just read another thread where the poster said she needed a bedroom for each of her 4 children- which is fine if you can afford a house that big but I was a little surprised by the word "need" instead of "want".

My kids are grown up now but my girls shared a bedroom their whole lives- even though we could have technically afforded a bigger house, we wanted to live in a vibrant, active city so we lived in an apartment where they had to share (they had the big room, their older brother had the tiny room) rather than moving to a bigger place in the suburbs. Talking to my friends now who still have kids at home it just seems expected that every child will have a bedroom, even if that means two glorified box rooms instead of one regular double bedroom. One of my colleagues is pregnant again and is selling her fully-restored three-bedroom 1930's semi to move into a four-bed new build (with all the problems inherent in some new build estates including tiny rooms , no trees, and no decent public transport) She's not delighted about it but thinks she has no choice because she can't make her two boys (ages 9 and 11) share!

I shared with my sister growing up as well, not because our house wasn't big enough but because my mother had a sewing room and a perfectly pristine "guest room" and that's just the way things were.

Yes, I know that many people share because they can't afford not to (my partner grew up as a first-gen immigrant in NYC and shared a one-bedroom apartment with her parents and three sisters until she was a teenager and they are all happy, healthy, and successful)- that's not what I am talking about here. I just feel like those who can afford or those who can afford it at a stretch it will prioritise a bedroom for every child over other things- like room size and location -more than they would have in the past, and am wondering if other people have noticed the same thing?

I think we live differently to how we did when I was growing up. One TV in the living room and no heating anywhere else in the house so especially in winter, we spent more time together in the living room, even as teenagers, or we'd be outside with friends. It's much more of a culture now for everyone to have separate devices e.g. tv/pcs/gaming consoles, tablet and phones and all be doing or own thing and things that create noise and disturb others so especially teens "need" a separate space.

I don’t think it’s that usual any more but equally I think people generally have less children? Most people I know have 1 or 2 with no plans for more.

My sister and I shared a room until we were about 7 and 12, then moved to a 3 bedroom house and had our own rooms.
I have 3 DCs and live in a 3 bedroom house, so DD1 and DS (age 5 & 6) share the biggest room, DD2 (age 2) has the smallest room and DH & I have the middle room. Will be putting both DDs in the biggest room together and moving DS to the smallest room once DD2 actually grasps that night time is for sleeping

Oh, and absolutely, it's a privilege!

@ElephantOfRisk

I think we live differently to how we did when I was growing up. One TV in the living room and no heating anywhere else in the house so especially in winter, we spent more time together in the living room, even as teenagers, or we'd be outside with friends. It's much more of a culture now for everyone to have separate devices e.g. tv/pcs/gaming consoles, tablet and phones and all be doing or own thing and things that create noise and disturb others so especially teens "need" a separate space.

That's probably true. I think when you have to share a room/space with various other family members, you get better at tuning them out and focusing on what you need to focus on, while having people all around you. I used to get masses of work done at my old, very loud, very laddish workplace because I was a past master at tuning out distractions! It's a very useful skill actually...

@HarrietsChariot

I think it's wrong to make children share a room. OK there may be cases where they actually want to, but it should always be a choice. Children need privacy and alone time, they can't get that if they have to share. At best there's unnecessary friction and poorer exam results (even if they do well at their exams, they'd have done better with their own room and facilities). At worst it's an open invitation for abuse.

That's the real reason why sharing is wrong: except in the case of twins, there is usually an age gap of at least a couple of years. The elder child will be stronger and able to physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abuse the younger child as much as they want. Sibling-on-sibling abuse is grossly underestimated, it is overwhelminingly more likely to happen than a stranger abusing a child. OK you can't protect them all the time, but at least if they have their own room they have the chance to have a "safe" space to sleep in.

If a sibling is going to abuse another one separate rooms won't stop them. You don't actually know if separate rooms improve exam results and very little friction between my children. I can't believe you really think abuse will happen just because they share a room.

I was one of three kids in a three bed house and we sort of rotated every couple of years so at some point we all had our own room for a bit.

My friend was one of four kids in a three bed house, she always had to share with her two sisters in a tiny room so the oldest brother could have his own room (sensible and needs must). They weren't skint but would never have been able to afford a five bedroom house around here.

I'm only early 30s, but it was pretty normal among my friends. Multiple children and a three bedroom house was the norm, a four bedroom house was a luxury, and when a girl started my school and let slip to us she had a SIX bedroom house, we were agape

@LaBellina

If siblings are small, it’s not unusual. Once they get older there’s naturally more desire for privacy. Also people tend to have smaller families these days then it was common in the past so naturally they have more space available.

Yes when people had 10 or 12 kids the idea of a bedroom each was a bit fanciful.

@TurnUpTurnip

It is unusual on Mumsnet for kids to share a room, back in the real world it isn’t im in a council house so kids HAVE to share a room and that applies to all council houses if children are under a certain age.

I honestly wasn't aware of that! I didn't grow up in the UK and still have some gaps in knowledge about how things work. Is it the same in every council, and has it always been that way? There are a few council houses interspersed on my street and I know for example that the one just down from me has three double bedrooms and a single woman lives there alone who has two children, both female and close in age, both grown up and moved out. I assumed she moved into the house when her children still lived with her but even then that's an extra bedroom if the girls didn't have to share.

It is only in relatively recent years that children had their own bedroom. The main reason for this is people having smaller families, so they have more space.
At school in the 60's, there were many more families of 3 or 4 children, boys in one room, girls in the other. Parents in their own room.
My parents, born in the '30's, came from much larger families. DM was one of 7, they lived in a small terraced house- the 2 boys shared the small bedroom, the 4 girls the other. And shock horror- they slept together in a double bed.
DGM (widowed) slept downstairs on a foldout bed.

In an ideal world, everyone has the money to just buy a bigger house, there are never unexpected pregnancies or twins.
In real life, it's not like that.

@TatianaBis

I would absolutely prioritise separate bedrooms I think it's really important.

It's not a new thing, I didn't have any friends who shared bedrooms with siblings growing up.

I only had 1 friend who didn't share a bedroom and that's because she was an only child.

Many many children share bedrooms today even though so many mumsnetters think it absolutely essential that children have their own bedrooms.

As another poster said, if you live in a council house you are not entitled to bigger houses just because you have x amount of children.

I lived in a council house and my parents were told it was fine for 3 girls to share a bedroom no matter how old they were

hi, I have 3 kids, and we live in a 3 bed . we can't afford to move to a larger house. my eldest (17) has his own room, the other 2 boys (14 and 8) share - bunk bed. I am upset that some posters think this is unacceptable. This is our reality, and I can't see that there is any harm in them sharing. Helps them learn to be considerate of others and be mindful of their space (in theory!). I'd LIKE for my boys to have their own room, but there's no option for that currently.
It's all very well to say - it's ok when they are young - then they need more space - how do you AFFORD the new space? Unless you have a money tree in your garden, it can be pretty tough. House prices here have gone up massively lately, and to move to somewhere with an extra bedroom would be a big jump up financially.

@Sparklfairy

I was one of three kids in a three bed house and we sort of rotated every couple of years so at some point we all had our own room for a bit.

My friend was one of four kids in a three bed house, she always had to share with her two sisters in a tiny room so the oldest brother could have his own room (sensible and needs must). They weren't skint but would never have been able to afford a five bedroom house around here.

I'm only early 30s, but it was pretty normal among my friends. Multiple children and a three bedroom house was the norm, a four bedroom house was a luxury, and when a girl started my school and let slip to us she had a SIX bedroom house, we were agape

Me from poor inner city area was amazed on starting grammar school to find my new friend from a well off family lived in a six bedroom house. There were six kids in the family so she still had to share with her sister.

I bought a 4 bed so that we wouldn't have an issue if we had multiple children. It could be converted to a 5 bed easily if needed. We have 1 dc but I would like more in the not so distant future and having their own rooms was something I considered and prioritised when buying.

I'm an only child and the thought of having to share a room, my sensitive, shy, introverted self would have filled me with dread, terror and distress. I always say it is selfish to have 3+ children if they don't have their own rooms, even as a kid. Only have as many children as you have bedrooms for. I do think it's selfish and wrong to expect child to share, imo it is VITAL every child has their own personal safe space, just for them. Which is why I only had 2 children. I just think it's wrong and unfair of the parents and I would never ever inflict that on a child. If as a parent you can't provide their own room for them, them you've failed imo and you make sure you don't have more than you can. Quite simple.

I think it's a bit about the expectation because families are smaller and a bit about children being more 'catered to' by parenting expectations. My gran for example was appalled that her son put a bedroom for each of his children over his need for a specific bedroom having a room that was dual purpose when his children were small. She was very firm an adult's needs should come first and he just as convinced the children should come first.

We have a six bedroom house, 3 DC and one on the way. Right now we use the bedrooms as a play room, an office, a guest room, a nursery for littlest DC, and a shared bedroom for DC 5 & 7. They wanted to share (so does 3 year old DC). Depending on the sex of the new baby it may end up in its own room or share with DC(3). We like to have the extra rooms for extra space while they're little and don't play in their rooms at all. They'll have the option of privacy in their teens though.

@TheGirlCat

I'm an only child and the thought of having to share a room, my sensitive, shy, introverted self would have filled me with dread, terror and distress. I always say it is selfish to have 3+ children if they don't have their own rooms, even as a kid. Only have as many children as you have bedrooms for. I do think it's selfish and wrong to expect child to share, imo it is VITAL every child has their own personal safe space, just for them. Which is why I only had 2 children. I just think it's wrong and unfair of the parents and I would never ever inflict that on a child. If as a parent you can't provide their own room for them, them you've failed imo and you make sure you don't have more than you can. Quite simple.

Jesus

DS and DD shared until they were 8 and 9. In an ideal world older DC need somewhere peaceful to do homework and possibly entertain their friends but this needn't be a bedroom. I see nothing wrong with sharing and liked it when I was a child.

@closedown

@TheGirlCat

I'm an only child and the thought of having to share a room, my sensitive, shy, introverted self would have filled me with dread, terror and distress. I always say it is selfish to have 3+ children if they don't have their own rooms, even as a kid. Only have as many children as you have bedrooms for. I do think it's selfish and wrong to expect child to share, imo it is VITAL every child has their own personal safe space, just for them. Which is why I only had 2 children. I just think it's wrong and unfair of the parents and I would never ever inflict that on a child. If as a parent you can't provide their own room for them, them you've failed imo and you make sure you don't have more than you can. Quite simple.

I don't think that's really a fair way to look at things, not to mention classist and culturally insensitive. I can understand why you feel that way because of your own personality, but there are lots of happy, healthy families who bring their children up sharing rooms or even beds. Being poor or even just "not rich" (which is what it takes to afford bedrooms for everyone in some parts of the world) doesn't make you a bad parent. There's more to "personal space" than your own room. It's about personal attention from your parents, protection and support when you want to be alone (even if that's just reading your book in a corner of the living room), support and love, all those things are just as important if not more important than a door you can close every night.

My kids share and are happy with it so far. We'll find a solution for when they no longer want to share.
I don't think there is anything wrong with sharing even for teenagers - it is typical of our privileged Western world to think everyone NEEDS their own room. And don't even get me started on double beds for kids!

I was the youngest of 7 children. We initially all lived in a 2 bed flat but moved to a 3 or 4 bed when I was 1. 3 beds upstairs and a room downstairs which was probably supposed to be a dining room. 1 bathroom for 9 people. We downsized (cheaper rent) when there were less DC at home. I didn't have a bedroom to myself until I moved out.

I believe that it's apparently better for mental health to be sharing but no idea. We have a 4 bed house but only ever 2 DC. They actually chose to share for quite a few years as children.

I think it's a MN thing - traditionally MN has high social ecomomic class demographic than UK generally.

But it also fits in with MN narrative that at most two children should ever be had - smaller families means more likley to have child per room and 3 bed is very usual house size and 4 bed or more not so much. There are other odd things on MN like no swaping rooms around when a sibling moves out or goes to university or moving house/area till house till kids are very late 20s.

Our children shared when younger - even when there was a spare room, then had two same sex in together - then we moved areas and managed to get a 4 bed so they do all have their own rooms and I do think it's made the teen years much easier.

However many of their friends share - because there's no choice but even then I don't think it's as common as when I was a child.

Sharing is not unusual.
However, I shared until the age of 14 when my sister went to University. I needed space so desperately and value it so much now. I feel strongly that if you can give kids their own space that is a great gift.
It matters a lot to me.