Is it unusual to expect kids to share bedrooms these days?

[Helloise]

Just read another thread where the poster said she needed a bedroom for each of her 4 children- which is fine if you can afford a house that big but I was a little surprised by the word "need" instead of "want".

My kids are grown up now but my girls shared a bedroom their whole lives- even though we could have technically afforded a bigger house, we wanted to live in a vibrant, active city so we lived in an apartment where they had to share (they had the big room, their older brother had the tiny room) rather than moving to a bigger place in the suburbs. Talking to my friends now who still have kids at home it just seems expected that every child will have a bedroom, even if that means two glorified box rooms instead of one regular double bedroom. One of my colleagues is pregnant again and is selling her fully-restored three-bedroom 1930's semi to move into a four-bed new build (with all the problems inherent in some new build estates including tiny rooms , no trees, and no decent public transport) She's not delighted about it but thinks she has no choice because she can't make her two boys (ages 9 and 11) share!

I shared with my sister growing up as well, not because our house wasn't big enough but because my mother had a sewing room and a perfectly pristine "guest room" and that's just the way things were.

Yes, I know that many people share because they can't afford not to (my partner grew up as a first-gen immigrant in NYC and shared a one-bedroom apartment with her parents and three sisters until she was a teenager and they are all happy, healthy, and successful)- that's not what I am talking about here. I just feel like those who can afford or those who can afford it at a stretch it will prioritise a bedroom for every child over other things- like room size and location -more than they would have in the past, and am wondering if other people have noticed the same thing?

@HarrietsChariot

I think it's wrong to make children share a room. OK there may be cases where they actually want to, but it should always be a choice. Children need privacy and alone time, they can't get that if they have to share. At best there's unnecessary friction and poorer exam results (even if they do well at their exams, they'd have done better with their own room and facilities). At worst it's an open invitation for abuse.

That's the real reason why sharing is wrong: except in the case of twins, there is usually an age gap of at least a couple of years. The elder child will be stronger and able to physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abuse the younger child as much as they want. Sibling-on-sibling abuse is grossly underestimated, it is overwhelminingly more likely to happen than a stranger abusing a child. OK you can't protect them all the time, but at least if they have their own room they have the chance to have a "safe" space to sleep in.

Weird post 🙄

I feel sorry for kids sharing rooms

I shared with my sis till she was 13, I was 10.

I even felt sorry for her at the time. I had chronic health issues and the amount of nights of broken sleep she had because of it... I guess in theory it might have been better if one parent had shared with each of us, but with a child developing health issues, you don't know what's next.

as I got into teens, I had my own room and my health issues got much worse. It was so much better for our relationship for her to get a decent night's sleep and then be able to hang out with me and try to cheer me up after school.

without those issues, I think it would be bad enough. By virtue of being the youngest, when we got our own rooms, I got the box room and her room was huge but it didn't really bother me because it was just exciting that we had our own rooms! and I could "visit" when she was older and putting on make up to go out etc.

I've noticed this on MN. Not sure how much it reflects the real world, tbh.

When I was a teen in the 90s, I shared a room with a younger sister. It wasn't always ideal, and there were times I would have preferred more privacy, but we mostly got along well. We enjoyed one another's company much of the time, and ultimately, there weren't enough rooms for everyone to have their own. If my parents ever discussed moving so that everyone could have their own room, it was never mentioned in front of us, that I can recall.

My 4 have always shared until leaving home - 2 boys in one room, 2 girls in another. They are very close to their siblings and it’s made them appreciate their own space when moving on.

@RedWingBoots

so true about some kids not wanting to be alone.
in the summer we had a lot of ongoing discussions of how to swap things round and asked DD (9), who is the only girl, if she wanted to have a room on her own.
I asked her to have a think, if she said yes we'd do stuff differently than if she said no, but if she says no now we probably won't be able to change things for at least a year or maybe longer (honestly, with 9 people in the house and some non-negotiable needs it gets complicated).

she went back and forth but eventually decided she didn't want to be alone. she said "I think I might cry without my brothers"
she's just not ready.

I told her to tell me when she is ready and we'll rearrange things.
As long as she and boys are all happy I don't care how long they share - we'll see how it goes.
I'm sure that she will want to be on her own as soon as she'll need her privacy regularly (I have an emergency plan if that happens before she gets fed up with her bros!)

My 2 dds have to share and there's a 7 year age gap (14&7) . Luckily it's a room big enough for dd1 to have a double bed and for dd2 to have a high sleeper with her furniture underneath so they have their own 'halves'.

It also helps that dd2 likes to spend the evenings downstairs with me so the the eldest has the room to herself for pretty much the whole evening then when the youngest goes to bed dd1 either comes downstairs to chill for a bit or just puts her headphones on to watch Netflix.

Luckily neither of them are interested in messing about with the others stuff and both keep their own halves pretty tidy up.
I imagine it could be a lot worse.

I shared a bedroom with my two sisters until I left home at 22.

I don't feel that children "need" to have their own rooms. It's nice if they can but certainly not a necessity.

Lots of my neighbours have 3 (or more) children and our houses only have 3 bedrooms so plenty of children sharing here. All ages too, not just very young.

Well times & ideas change don't they?

When my dad was a kid, he was one of 7 in a three bed house.

Bedrooms were for sleeping in so a bed, somewhere to put clothes & that was all that was needed!

A lot of people don't live in the ideal situations, house wise, so that all children can have their own rooms all the time. Some people Do say that they need to move house because of this now, as opposed to just putting up with things , and making do, like years ago.

My dd and ds shared until they went to senior school. I actually know lots of children who share - some with two or three siblings but I am not in the UK.

The suggestion that older siblings are more likely to sexually abuse younger siblings if they share a room... Good grief!

If that's a problem, I don't think putting the abuser in his own room is going to help. It's not as though abuse only happens at night, either.

I don't think the post by @HarrietsChariot raising the issue of sibling abuse is that weird, and I am sure the poster has a good reason (either personally or through her work or advocacy) for raising it. I had a good friend growing up who was absolutely tortured by her older brother- not sexually (AFAIK) but lots of physical abuse that her parents dismissed as rough-housing, and psychological abuse which her parents said she should just "ignore" because he was only trying to get a rise out of her. This kind of stuff absolutely does happen a lot more than people think and it's often just dismissed as normal sibling behaviour. I don't think the answer is necessarily solved by making sure that no children ever share rooms- my friend certainly didn't share a room with her brother and it still happened- but it is something that parents need to be aware of and in some cases where siblings have an unhealthy (if not abusive) dynamic, separating them into their own bedrooms is probably a very good idea alongside other things like counselling and parenting strategies.

A friend of mine growing up, their house had 3 beds. Mum & dad in 1, her in the smallest, and her 3 brothers in the other. They all went to university and are still friends.

We bought a four bedroom house so the children didn’t have to share and they could have a play room, we needn’t have bothered they share a bedroom and when we broach the subject of own rooms we are shot down. Kids like sharing, it feels safe and comfortable having someone in the night with you. I expect as they get old they will want their own space.

@HarrietsChariot

I think it's wrong to make children share a room. OK there may be cases where they actually want to, but it should always be a choice. Children need privacy and alone time, they can't get that if they have to share. At best there's unnecessary friction and poorer exam results (even if they do well at their exams, they'd have done better with their own room and facilities). At worst it's an open invitation for abuse.

That's the real reason why sharing is wrong: except in the case of twins, there is usually an age gap of at least a couple of years. The elder child will be stronger and able to physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abuse the younger child as much as they want. Sibling-on-sibling abuse is grossly underestimated, it is overwhelminingly more likely to happen than a stranger abusing a child. OK you can't protect them all the time, but at least if they have their own room they have the chance to have a "safe" space to sleep in.

Ah come on!

I think that based on my personal experience of sharing with my sister (7 year age gap, and we hated each other, plus in bunk beds, which meant we could really torture each other) I've always been adamant that our kids had their own bedrooms. When on holiday and secondment, that hasn't been possible, and they get on well, on the whole, but increased friction has been noticeable when they haven't had their own rooms!

I think it's fine for kids to share but it's hard to make them share later on based on a new baby, if you have a big age gap as in the case of your friend (and me). I think that would set things up for resentment between the siblings. My DS aged 9 has a really lovely relationship with his baby sister as he feels secure in his position and part of that is knowing he will always have his decent bedroom. I'd prioritise this if we moved house and wouldn't have another child unless we could afford more bedrooms.

It's obviously linked to socioeconomic factors. People less able to afford a big house will obviously be more likely to have kids sharing rooms. In my country where housing is very expensive in relation to the average salary, sharing is SUPER common, including among teens and including more than 2 people to a room plenty enough.

I would guess the UK has been trending away from shared bedrooms over the last few decades as housing became more affordable. I would also guess that it will increase again over the next few decades since the trend toward affordability has reversed.

I only know one family whose dc share now. My youngest is 10. From age 6 and below my youngest shared and many friends did the same but by 6 ish we all moved to bigger homes.

I think this corresponds with another thing that seems to be assumed as a 'need' rather than a 'want'; that of a double bed for children, usually from 10ish upwards.

I personally think it's very practical to give kids double beds if the room is big enough for it. Then kids' rooms can double as guest rooms and same-sex siblings can just have a sleepover and share a bed if you have guests rather than having to deal with blow up beds or sofa beds. Much less faff!

great if you can afford it but not a necessity. some people on this thread really need to check their privilege. These TED talks are brilliant for putting out lives into perspective.

'Dollar Street'
www.ted.com/talks/anna_rosling_ronnlund_see_how_the_rest_of_the_world_lives_organized_by_income?language=en

'Where Children Sleep' photo project
www.jamesmollison.com/where-children-sleep

I would absolutely prioritise separate bedrooms I think it's really important.

It's not a new thing, I didn't have any friends who shared bedrooms with siblings growing up.

As this is a thread about a thread, I don't know if the original poster on that thread was moaning about 'needing' a presumably huge house with a bedroom each for her 4 DC, but really if you choose to have 4 DC, you can't moan about needing a big house... Large families are a choice not a necessity.

It is unusual on Mumsnet for kids to share a room, back in the real world it isn’t im in a council house so kids HAVE to share a room and that applies to all council houses if children are under a certain age.

[quote MrsKDB]great if you can afford it but not a necessity. some people on this thread really need to check their privilege. These TED talks are brilliant for putting out lives into perspective.

'Dollar Street'
www.ted.com/talks/anna_rosling_ronnlund_see_how_the_rest_of_the_world_lives_organized_by_income?language=en

'Where Children Sleep' photo project
www.jamesmollison.com/where-children-sleep[/quote]
OP specifically asked for comments from people who can afford it as she's aware (aren't we all) that for some it's not financially possible.